will it ever stop hurting? need to vent... and get encouragement

Amber - posted on 02/22/2011 ( 9 moms have responded )

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not sure how to explain my sitautation. i feel so stupid, so pathetic and so unlovable. i have one little girl and a baby on the way. i got back 2gether with an ex, not my daughters dad, we were back dating about 2 weeks when he asked me 2 marry him, i said yes... we started trying for another child and my daughter started calling him dad. i know thats all a little quick but i knew i wanted to marry him when i was 16. Anyways about 2 or 3 weeks after that my so called fiance abandoned us. about a week later i found out that i was indeed pregnant. so now i have a daughter who is asking for her daddy all the time and a new baby who will never get to meet its dad... his new girlfriend has been phoning me and threatening me and my daughter. i keep wondering what im going to tell this baby about its dad i really do love him but he cant be in our lives. took my life and my daughters life being threatened to realize this. his mom has told me that she is not grandma material and doesnt wanna be involved with this baby either. im coming to realize how blessed i as with my daughter. my daughter sees her bio dad maybe once every 6 month or so. and she sees his family ever other week or so. she also has his last name. how am i going to explain to her why her name is different then mine and the babies. so anyways now im heartbroken, scared for my life and dealing with a broken hearted little girl who just wants her daddy... someone please tell me that we will forget, both of us. specailly her. i feel like such a failure as a parent for allowing this kinda uproot in my daughters life. not too mention im dealing with all the preg hormones and fears for this new baby or babies... he has twins in his family. my daughter and i will truely be the only family this baby or babies has, my daughter doesnt really have a dad but she does have a family besides me and my family. this baby doesnt have a dad or any other family and that is totally overwhelming to me. my family is supportive in some ways but really not in others. i realize how much support my daughters dads family has been.... they have even told me that this baby is thier grandbaby as well and will never be treated any different then my daughter. but i feel kinda gulty letting them do that when thus baby is npt a blood realitve to them.... im probably wrong to fell like that but hey. i just feel so alone and overwhelmed. is there anyone else out there who is or has been in my sitautation? i wish someone could tell me everything is goign to be ok.... that God will never give me more then i can handle. anyways this will soon be a book so i should let u go.

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Christina - posted on 03/05/2011

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It is better you know now while you are pregnant than in a year or two down the road when the baby is use to daddy being there and your daughter is really attached. This is YOUR baby, an no one else's baby. You smile, keep the douche bag's name OFF the birth certificate, and just move on with your life. It is hard but yes, you will heal. Someone will fall for you, and it will be so much easier for you to have a healthy relationship with that man because you won't have some nasty drama going in with this baby's sperm donor. It is just another lesson in life. Be positive and keep your daughter positive. Have your daughter spend more time with her dad's family right now since she is hurting, and do lots of fun mommy/daughter things like painting toe nails, and snuggling in bed watching Disney Princess movies. She will start smiling again, and being happy, and watching her be happy will make you happy again.

Reeva - posted on 03/05/2011

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I went through something similar... My son is now 7 months and my daughter is nearly 3. I left their father when I was 6 months pregnant, I flew back to NZ (I was living in OZ) as this was the only way I could completely break up.

Once I left he immediately went into I want you back phrase and we spoke about getting back together counselling etc Not long after that he shacked up with another chick and has been living with her ever since playing happy families with her daughter. it broke my heart and I have only just started to release he pain and my life is sooo much better now.

At the time I was going through this I found it hard to understand why this happened to me what did I do to deserve it.. he promised me he would sign our sons birth certificate and be there to help me... he has done none. I have finally accepted the fact that this is who he is, I gave my son his surname despite all this as I was not going to explain to my kids that they have the same father but different last names.

As hard as this was for me my only advice is for you to go through the emotions.... ride through the hurt and depression because next stage is anger. Once you get angry you will start feeling a little more in control. Once your in controls start being kind, kind to yourself to start with, you have had no control over the situation and I can see why you would feel overwhelmed. You need to let go of the man who abandoned you, in reality he did you a favour ( thats how I now look at my ex new partner she took the problem off my shoulders.)

If your daughters fathers family are wanting to treat your new born as their own let them, it takes a village to raise a child the more love your children receive the more confident and secure they will become. As for the name thing it is important to me because my kids have the same DNA however in your shoes as long as you let you baby know how much you love them and bring them without the half sibling status it should be fine.

The new Mrs is intimadeted by you hence the threats just cvut them off you know you dont need the stress, hope this helps....

Tiffany - posted on 03/05/2011

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Everyone on here is right. One more thing though, if the last name difference is goin to be hard for you, give your new baby your last name. My daughter has my last name, not her fathers. I wouldnt have it any other way.

Amber - posted on 02/27/2011

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i dont think i wanna change her name... right now, i think i will wait till she is older and let her decide... besides u need the father permission and im not sure her dad would give it.

Jessica - posted on 02/26/2011

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in my state it costs 50.00 and you have to turn in the original birth certificate and social security number with a request for the name change and they do it in six weeks. i don't know about other states. before the age of one, the name change is free. i know it is that way in WI, too.

Dana - posted on 02/26/2011

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Jessica is right! However, changing the last name is a bit involved depending on what state you live in. Don't worry about it so much!! I'm a single mother of a 4 and a half year old and 9 month old. I do it alone with just the support of my mom and my sisters. I don't have anyone else either. Sometimes you will get lonely but hang in there. It's better to be lonely than abused!!! Take the love! Take all the help you can get. Take care of yourself!!!

Vanessa - posted on 02/23/2011

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I am a single mother of two. My son and my daughter have different fathers. My sons dad and I are best friends and I am super close with his mother, we talk all the time. My daughter has ever met her dad and |I don't plan on her ever meeting him. I split up with him then afterwards I found out that I was pregnant..... and yeah I understand the feeling.... But hey! I have a beautiful baby girl, a happy little man who loves being a big brother and my whole family is super supportive. My sons grammy (his dads mom) thinks of my daughter as her own and has even invited me and her to join my son to come to her place for summer vacation.. I am so happy for that love. Unfortunately there can be miserable people out there that just love to bring others down. I am sorry that you have experienced that and I hope that it will get better soon. And I know it will, if I can do it anyone can.... I gave my daughter my last name and my son has his dads and when ever he asks me why his baby sister has my name I tell him that's the name I chose for her and he has asked about her dad and I told him that her dad is busy working, so he offered to share his dad with her... lol. Which was great because his dad agreed, he told me that she is his sons little sister and she is apart of "our" family. Mind you it took a lot of hard work and patients to build the relationship I have with him.

Keep thinking positive and put a smile on your face, no matter what is happening things will always be/get better. :)

Fiona - posted on 02/23/2011

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Sometimes family are blood related and sometimes they are not. There are plenty of "families" out there that treat each other really badly because they are blood related and feel they have too. There are also plenty of families that aren't blood related but are families because the members choose to love, care, cherish and look out for each other no matter what. You, your daughter and your new baby/ies deserve a family.
Accept what God is giving you and enjoy your little ones.
God Bless.

Jessica - posted on 02/22/2011

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take a deep breath...



did you do that?



good.



you cannot change what has happened. you can only change what will happen. you made a mistake. it was stupid. you admitted it. but it will be okay. your daughter will forget that guy in another month. she will stop asking for him. you just have to tell her that that was not her dad and he left because he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and that it had nothing to do with her. the next guy that comes around, have her call him by name until he adopts her and it is official. she is young yet and one of the best things about kids is they forget and they forgive.



as for the new baby... you did it alone before, you can do it again. you will learn from your mistakes and not act so hasty the next time you meet a guy. you will be okay. you already had one baby, so you know what you are doing and how to take care of a baby... and this time you will do it better because you already have experience. yes, it sad that your baby won't have his dad's family in the picture... my kids don't either... but your baby will be okay. as for your daughter's family from her dad's side willing to take this baby on as their own flesh and blood? accept the help where you can get it... a child can never be too loved. a child can never have too many people in his or her life... if they are willing, embrace it.



you have to take everything a day at a time. some of these issues will never be issues. if you want your daughter to have your last name, change it. if you are okay with it, then it will be okay. she will ask, you tell her, and she probably will be fine with it. as for your new baby not having a father? that issue will start out small and grow as your child grows. you will deal with it in baby steps and figure it out as it goes. as long as you love this child with all your heart, your child will be fine. you can do this, you will be great, and it will be okay. you will learn from your mistakes and not repeat them... your mistakes do not make you lesser of a person. they help you grow and learn and bloom.



meanwhile you get a great gift... a baby.

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