How do I handle my daughter wanting her dad?

Kasie - posted on 09/10/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My daughter LOVES seeing her dad and is at the point where she wants him. He isn't around and when he is he promises her the world, then he is gone for 2-3 months at a time shooting the occasional text,"Tell my princess I love and Miss her". Leaving me to be the one to tell her, not him. She is 2 and half and very very smart. She asks to call him and see him but he is very hard to get a hold of and it breaks my heart when she cries because she wants to see him and he doesn't answer. I don't want to be the mom who keeps the dad away but I am starting to understand why someone would want too! Is there anyway to handle this situation without fighting and hurting her?

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Cassandra - posted on 01/21/2010

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My daughter is now 9 and hasnt seen her dad in 5yrs...It is very hard at times but has finaly come to the point where she doesnt even ask any more... She seen counclers and they were the ones that told me to tell her the truth. I also set my foot down with him and held to my word... I took him to court and had set visatation set up... (best thing ever) I would start with the court thing and tell him I am doing this for our daughter so she has a set schedule and can know what to expect. If that fails, make sure that you set it up in court that if he doesnt show up at a certain time and misses a set number of visatations then you have the right to restrict further visits...

...With her tell her the truth, be there for her, tell her you are sorry she is sad but you are here for her and hug her, ask her if she wants you to hold her. Tell her that just cause her dad isnt around that he still loves her. Also let her call her, her knowing that she can do that might just make her stop asking knowing that she has the power to call him if she wants to. If he doesnt answer then you can say I am sorry he is busy right know but would you like to call your grandma.

...when he sends the text tell him to tell her his self and have her call him... I had to tell my daughters dad that he was not allowed to promise her anything, that if I didnt like how the conversation was going it would be ended. Promises dont need to be made, he can ask her questions/talk about her fav book, tv show/latest thing she saw.

>>So set your ground rules and stick to them/you dictate things not him, and always be there for her telling her how much you love her and your sorry for how she feels. Hope this helped some

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Vanessa - posted on 07/12/2010

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I am reading all these comment and tears are in my eyes. my daughter is going through the same thing, i wonder if these dads have any idea how much they hurt these children.

Florencia - posted on 01/17/2010

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I had/have this same problem. It is hurting your daughter more by letting him walk in and out of her life as he pleases. Don't put him down or bad mouth him to your daughter, in time she will realize the person he is on her own. By that time he will want and be ready to be a more involved parent but she will have moved on and have her own life. My daughter is 9 now and wants to stay home and play with her friends or have a family night with me or something rather than go to see her dad. Her dad would only take her on days to have fun every now and then, so if he wants to see her she expects a trip to cedar point or something. You can go to a family mediator and have a visitation schedule made for him. As far as him telling you to give her messages, I wouldn't. He can talk to her just as easy as he can talk to you. If she isn't that important enough for him to want to speak with her then why should you pass on the message. If you do that just gets her thinking about her dad and wanting to see him. You need a schedule, so that you can give your daughter an answer of when, when she is asking for him. Maybe you and he can talk about when is best. If it's only convenient for so many hours every other week at least it would be something that is routine for your daughter. If he chose to miss the visitation I would tell him he has so many chances after that you would not allow him to hurt your daughter. I have done this, my daughter was not phased because of who her father was, the way he treated her and it was what she was used to. So after so long she wouldn't really ask for him. But it would take a few weeks or so before she would have asked about him in the 1st place. The older they are the more phased they would be so now is the time you want to nip this issue in the butt!!! Good Luck, I hope he realizes what he is missing out on and chooses to grow up be mature and become the loving and involved father that your daughter needs him to be. Know this... right now you are not keeping your daughter away from him, he is keeping himself from your daughter. This is causing her pain. You are her mother you are supposed to protect her. So it will partly be your fault if you allow him to continue to cause her pain.
While discussing everything with him, make sure your daughter isn't around to hear any arguing or what not and sense any tension. That wouldn't be right to put her in that situation regardless if he thinks that would be the perfect opportunity for him to see her, and if you're discussing it over the phone kids are pretty smart so she shouldn't be around for that either. She doesn't need to see you stressed out or upset or arguing with him. Look out for her and protect her, I wish you the best of luck!

Melissa - posted on 12/28/2009

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I have the same problem with my daughter's dad. Thank's ladies for the advice.

Marjorie - posted on 09/14/2009

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My son is only 18 mos old, but I'm already worried about this exact thing too. My ex only seems to want to be involved in our son's life when it's for show (a family function or to impress some girl) or when he wants something from me. He also likes to send me the same type of texts you get, and usually does that when he's in front of one of his girlfriends. He has 3 other children who are all older (the next one is 4 yrs older) and their mothers have all written him out of their childrens' lives completely. I didn't and don't want to do that, so I've been talking to others for advice and doing research on the matter. To get a perspective I can't relate to, I talked to a couple close male friends and to my boyfriend about this (all who were only children raised by their moms with no father or stepfather). All of them seem to agree that the child is better off having a father who is out of the picture than one who pops in and out randomly. One of my friends said that his dad was like that, and that it hurt so much that when he was a kid he used to wish he had no father at all instead of one who only cared sometimes. That hit very hard with me. I've thought a lot about this matter and have come to the conclusion that there is really only one answer to this... Do whatever is best for the child/children. Our babies are our priorities, and if that isn't what they are to their fathers, then it is up to us to determine whether or not to keep the father away. Just be careful and don't let your own relationship history with the father cloud your judgment about what is best for your little one. :)

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It is a harsh reality to always tell the childrenthe truth and let me tell yhou you daughter being 2 yrs old do not diminish the reality of telling her just how it is. take it from me be staigth up and explaine to you r daughter what is going on and also have the father tell also waht is going on and if you could do it both togehter so she will get a better understanding.

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