I am engaged to the father of my two girls. He is constanly cheating do I leave or stay what is best for my girls?

Melissa - posted on 02/11/2009 ( 30 moms have responded )

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My girls will be 2 and 3 in April. The girls adore there dad as do I. I am a stay at home mom. He is regualry seeing another woman who he wants to be around our children, and on top of that he is also seeing other women all the time. I know for myself I should leave him but what about what that will do my girls. I crave a tradtional family for them. Help?

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Catherine - posted on 09/18/2010

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looking out for you and the girls, i would leave him. easier said then done. i was in the same situation and i tried to stay with him while cheating with many women aswell and not only was it hurting me but also our children. we both had made each others life miserable because we tried to do what was best for our children. stay stronge for your kids and let him be, u will find your much happier knowing you dont have to worrie about who and where he is at night ya know. so much relief. best of luck to you and your daughters.

Pamela - posted on 03/29/2010

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Trust me hun when I say this...LEAVE! I was in a relationship for 6 1/2 years, and 4 1/2 was horriable! I cried every single night when I was with nathan's father. I knew he was cheating on me left and right. It wasn't until I finally heard these words from a very good friend of mine that finally made me leave him "A HAPPY PARENT ='S A HAPPY CHILD." I looked at my son one day and I could tell that when I was upset, he was upset, and I didn't want to put him through that anymore. Do what is best for you hon! If you want to leave, leave. Don't stay there just because of the childrens sake!

Crystal - posted on 02/08/2010

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the only thing I know is that Traditional families these days have many different meanings I think as long as the girls know that love for them won't be gone and will always be there I know things will be fine! its easier said then done for sure I still struggle with my daughters father at times but he's the same way he like to be with more then one girl at a time but I figure as long as he's still in my daughters life and still be an active parent then I'm ok with his choices as long as its not interferring with his parental duties!!! That said I'd reccomend looking up the definition of Family I know for my daughter & I and all our relatives we live by this saying "Ohana which means family in hawaiin and Family means no one gets left behind, EVER) So I believe if one acknowledges a family as a family wether the parents are together or not their still a family. Love of a Child for a child and to a child is everlasting, you may have to explain that some people are in our lives forever and other such as friends will come and go and that no matter where or what Mommy and Daddy are doing that you'll both always be in their lives cause thats what family does! I think whatever decision you make will be the right decision for your beautiful Family!

Desirae - posted on 11/17/2009

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leave girly!!! u have to do whats best for you. Oh man you have to put your well being first... That way you are showing your girls how to be happy. Otherwise your girls may be presenting the same question to you 20 rs from now.That wouldnt feel to good.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/04/2009

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You are teaching your girls thats its ok to be cheated on. They will grow up and want to be with man that cheats on them too. It will breakyour heart. Leave him and dont look back. It is your responsibility to show them what a good relationship looks like. I was with a man that didnt cheat but the relationship was empty and loveless. I was unhappy and chose to leave and divorce because I didnt want the kids to think this was normal. I adjusted and so have the kids. It was scary but necessary.

Joanne - posted on 10/28/2009

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In response to this i had to go through something very similar. My partner and father of my five chldren was conctantly cheating on me throughout our entire relationship (while dating and in turn our marriage). I like you questioned what i should do constantly in your situation and the question that i should ask you which i also asked myself is 'are you happy?' Because if in my opinion and from experience if you are not happy with the situation (even though you may try put on a happy front for the kids) because if you arent your kids no matter how young will know you are not happy..and this in turn will have a negative impact. Also, do you want to teach your daughters that it is ok for them to have a partner do the same thing to them? I put myself in the mindset how would i advise my daughter if she came to me when she found herself in the same situation what would i tell her to do, and i came to the conclusion that if i was unhappy my kids would be too. There is no point in staying in a relationship for the kids sake and if you drag it out with that as the only reason then that eventually would have a negative impact on them and their future relationships. You are a role model for your daughters with ALL of your actions and relationships. I ended my relationship with the childrens father and my children couldnt be happier because i am, i have since found someone new who makes me and my children happier than we ever were in my previous relationship. Everyone craves a traditional family, but sometimes that is not the best thing to have. I hope this helps.

[deleted account]

I hope you're doing well. I've seen your post several times now and am hesitant to respond because I don't really know you and your situation. But I have to say, no one deserves to be treated with such disrespect. Get out of there. You'll feel so much better in the long run. Move back in with family if you can. If not, I know there's a big stigma attached to it...but apply for government assistance. There are many programs available to single mothers that can help get you started. Plus, child support will help you as well. You need to set the example for your daughters. Kids aren't ignorant. They'll start to see what's happening and think it's okay for men to treat women this way. In turn, they'll end up in relationships just like the one you feel stuck in now. I'm sure you don't want that for your girls. It's a difficult road. But you can do it. Just think...5 years from now, do you want to me married or still engaged to this jerk...or living your own life, happier, saner, and maybe in a healthy relatinoship with someone that really does love and respect you. Because honestly, the man you're with now doesn't.

Cassie - posted on 08/17/2009

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Staying with him for the kids sake is only going to end up hurting you in the end. You don't deserve to be treated like that and he needs to know that you wont take it from him. It's going to be hard on you and the kids but they will soon know what he's doing and what's going on and you don't want them to think that it's okay to be treated like that. You need to think about what is best for you and the kids even if that means not having the traditionaly family. I craved the tradinaly family my whole life and always told myself that I would have a child that you have a father no matter what. When I ended up getting pregnant I saw another side of the man that is my childs father. He was abusive more verbal than anything but that's when I decided that I would give up my dream of the perfect, traditional family to keep my daughter safe and I'm no a single mother with no help(my choice) and I'm soooo glad that I choose to give up my dream, b/c I don't want my daugther thinking that it's ok to be treated that way.

Stephanie - posted on 08/16/2009

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leaving him is the best answer. the girls will have a hard time, as well as you. but they girls will also fall into your footsteps with the mood change. they will not understand why daddy has other women if he "loves" mommy. tradtional family is always the best, thats what i want too. but i've been a single mom for 7 years now. and i love it. it has done my daughter and me alot of good.the older they get the more they will understand.

Nadia - posted on 04/20/2009

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you know what to do!! you can answer that question your self. LEAVE HIM!! your kids will not have any respect to there father when the day comes they will find out. i think if it comes down to that they will probably do the same for the fact that if "daddy did it, why can't i" talk and attitute. do you like the fact that what your partner does going and seeing others make you happy?? i think he has control over you and i also think that your kids know what his doing and feels your frustrations..your the only one that can fix these problems, and i suggest the first thing you need to do is take your kids and leave..

Melissa - posted on 03/17/2009

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Hey its good to hear from you.  Um i have been putting out my resume but still no luck. Those are some good suggestions though thank you.  Things are not getting any better so i know i have to do something.  And i am working on it.  I am lucky though that i have his family becasue they are truly the best and they are so supportive to me.  They also love the kids more than anything.  They are behind me 100%.  Its really nice to have someone checking on me thanks so much for thinking of me. :)

Amy - posted on 03/17/2009

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Hey hon, Checking up on you again. Any luck finding a job? Have you been able to make any steps towards leaving yet? I'm hoping so.. :) Trust me it hurts really bad for a bit and you feel guilty but soon you realize that it is the best thing for everyone... especially the kids. You may also want to look around at social services provided in your area they may be able to help you find a job, start on some education classes, find childcare and find somewhere to live. Anyway let me know how things are going I've been thinking about you!

Michelle - posted on 03/12/2009

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It would be healthier for you and your girls to leave! If you want a traditional family it is not likely, him cheating on you is definitely not a traditional family. "TRADITIONAL" and "NORMAL" families are very rare these days... in my opinion its healthier to leave and find somebody that actually wants YOU and your kids.

Cindy - posted on 03/12/2009

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Luckily some of the women here are speaking straight. Honey kick him out, leave him alone and don't give him another thought. Neither you nor his children are his proirity. You're better off without him. It's better to be unhappy and alone then unhappy in a relationship, i assure you !

Sarah - posted on 03/11/2009

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Being a single mum now myself i know this must be hard for you. I too always wanted the traditional family for my son but i also wanted it to be a happy one and that's the most important thing. My son is very close to his father and it was hard to take him away from him, but i didn't want my son growing up thinking that the relationship me and his father had was normal and the way all relationships should be. Just think the effect it will have on your girls in the long run by staying together and if one of them in the future were in your situation what would you advise them.



Good luck x

BEVERLEY - posted on 03/09/2009

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leave this guy he can still see the kids u deserve someone who adores you and only has eyes for you ,have respect for yourself and walk away and be happy with ur kids x

Jane - posted on 03/08/2009

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Okay - I'm a blunt speaking Londoner (i.e. from London, England) so I'll stick to my roots and just say - give him the boot love!! Do you really want your girls growing up thinking that it is fine for a man to have all the women he wants and they should just sit at home and wait for them? You say you want a "traditional family" - what on earth is traditional about a man having two women? You say you are engaged? You are not seriously considering marrying a man who is going out and sleeping with whoever he wants? He comes home looking for love and affection from you - I'd kick him right where it hurts and point him to the door!

Sorry, but your girls need to see you being treated with respect and love so that they understand that is what they should expect. This is not healthy for anyone - except your fiance who is having his cake and eating it. Tell him to shove his ring where the sun doesn't shine and hold your head up high!

Good luck!

[deleted account]

I know you had this posted for awhile but i was with my partner for two years and found out he was cheating on me my son was only 8 months old... Like you i wanted the traditional family as i never had that... But my ex decided he was better of without us.... he still sees his son but now 2yrs later im very happy with the way things are you can never trust them again and my son loves us both theres no fighting between my ex and me our child will always be our child no matter who is in the picture... I dont think i would of respected myself if i had stayed with my ex... I know your a mum but you were a woman first and your happiness is your childrens happiness.......

Angie - posted on 02/27/2009

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I feel for you, sounds like he is the bread winner and you rely on him very much. Isn't there anyone, family or a friends house you can go to with your girls until you get on your feet? He still has an obligation to pay child support for your kids. I know you can't help but love him but you can't change him either. Glad you didn't take it the wrong way. I haven't been exactly in your position before but with other issues with my sons dad and I know you just want to stay and make things work but you can only do so much yourself. You will just continue to be miserable if you don't leave. Take care!

Melissa - posted on 02/27/2009

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You said exatly what i need to do i need to stop being so scared to leave and do it becasue in the long run it will be better for me and my girls.  Thanks for giving it to me straight.

Angie - posted on 02/27/2009

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Ok, now thats just rediculous!!! That is just total disrespect to you and your daughters. I know he is your husband but he is continuing to do this over and over is sounds and without any reguard to your feelings. Do you want your daughters to grow up and think its ok to be cheated on? You have to look at it that way. Real talk...get a backbone and leave!! Your a beautiful girl! And you and your girls deserve better than that!!!!!

Melissa - posted on 02/23/2009

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Hi thank you for checking on me i am hanging in there trying to stay postive for the girls, I have not made any choices as of yet. But i know that i have to seeing as its becoming so obvious things are not going to change. Like last night he goes out with this other women who he sees every sunday and thinks that when he comes home things are going to be great. He spends all afternoon at this womans house and then comes home looking for affection and love and im just to the point where i am like no i do not have it in me. I am looking for a job and need to get independent then i can break free i guess.  I just wish i didnt love him so much.  Thanks again though it helps to have someone to talk to. :)

Amy - posted on 02/23/2009

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Melissa,
How have things been going lately? Have you made your decision or are you still conflicted? Been awhile since you've posted anything- worried about you!!

Telisha - posted on 02/22/2009

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I left my daughter's father when i was 5 months pregnant because i was so tired of the cheating. it was simple for me. i did not want my child to grow up seeing me being disrespected and taken advantage of, because if thats what a child sees that is what she will accept in her own life as status qou. your girls deserve your best, a traditional family doesnt always offer that unfortunately. but the fact that you even have to ask makes it clear your conscience is already telling you what must be done, you just have to make your heart fall in line. its not easy, especially since you will still have to see your kids' father on a regular basis, but if you love them and yourself, you deserve a man who treats you like a queen and not a concubine

Michele - posted on 02/17/2009

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I understand that it may be hard to go out there and figure this all out on your won. I am a single mom of a terrific 8 year old boy. His father was never part of our life by his choice. I ended up dating a man that I have known my whole life, and thought he was the one. Turned out, he was cheating on me and got the other girl pregnant. The worst part is that I am also pregnant with his child! I am due in October. But, I knew the best thing for both my kids would be to end the relationship, and I let it go. Once a cheater, always a cheater and leopards never change their spots. Do you really want your girls growing up thinking that is the way they should be treated by their future boyfriends because that is what they saw Daddy doing to Mommy? Remember, girls grow up looking for a man that reminds them of their daddy! Don't let them see that this is appropriate behavior. I wish you luck, and remember, we are all always here to vent to!

Amy - posted on 02/16/2009

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Well, you have some things to work out like how to support yourself, what you would split up in the divorce etc but first you need to sit down and be frank with him... he can't continue doing this and live in the same house as you. That is what I told my husband and he promptly moved out (though the house is in my name and I have a full time job so that makes it much easier) If you would be the one leaving do you have somewhere to go? He seems to want his cake and eat it to- which is what my husband did and I let him go back in forth saying he wanted to work on our marriage but live with her (she moved in 3 days after he go his apt.) but finally I knew that it was too much for me to handle and the emotional turmoil was making it soo much harder to be the mom I wanted to be. I felt numb for a few months but once I made the decision that I deserved better than that and made my mind up that he did not love me and soley me it was a little easier. He still tried to convince me to let him come back and forth and do as he wanted and it was hard really hard to be strong. He knows what my weakness are, my insecurities etc and used them well. So though I was strong it still hurt like he double hockey sticks (didn't know if that word is deemed inappropriate) but as each day went by (funny how you start marking time by minutes, hours and days during all the craziness) I felt a little stronger and now it is easier. He has finally stopped trying to get back with me and we've been able to work out some of the conflict so that we can get along in front of our son. You said above you crave a traditional family- that is still possible in a way- in time you could find a man who loves you the way your deserve who also cares deeply about your kids... they can only have one true father but there can be other people in their life who care about them. Ok I got on a bit of a tangent... how are you going to be able to do it on your own? How are you going to stand up to their dad? Those are your immediate concerns and as overwhelming as it is you need to figure those out. Some words of encouragement... my mother and father divorced and she had no schooling beyond high school or a drivers license when they split. She moved in w/ my grandparents and went to nursing school. It was hard to do with 3 kids but she did it so even if it looks very bleak there is hope- you will make it through it one day at a time. Look at the end goal and you will be ok. And don't worry about what your kids will think b/c you left their dad... my mom is a huge inspiration to me and honestly I think we had it better than some kids whose parents stayed together... we are better adjusted now and my parents are happier in their lives now than they would've been. Let me know anytime if you need emotional support or a friendly ear to listen about it all, or a sounding board for how to get through this

Melissa - posted on 02/16/2009

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Thank you so much for responding to me, i am am really conflicted with what the right decision is. Your words are very true i know that right now them being so young they really dont know whats happening they just see that daddy is not around as much as i am. We no longer fight in front of them though becasue i think both of us realized what that was doing.  Its just such a messed up situaition.  He is with this other woman whom i have met and they each other 3 times a week and he doesnt get home till late on those days leaving my girls to be constanly asking when is daddy coming home.  we live together and he wants me and this ohter woman to get along be friends so that he can have her here and she can be around our kids which obviously i am adamant about this not happening as I am not going to have him bringing people around the girls.  On top of that he is seeing 3 other women that he juggles.  I just know that i am not happy and your right if im not happy how can i be a good mom for my girls.  any advice you have would be great and thanks for listening.

Amy - posted on 02/16/2009

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I am currently going through the process of divorce b/c my husband was seeing another woman. I wrestled with this as well for awhile trying to decide what would be best for my son. I realized though that me putting up with it or forgiving him so he can do it again would not help my son. Me letting my husband walk all over me would only teach my son that it was ok to treat someone that way. Furthermore I knew that I would be unhappy and the best way to be a good parent is for you to be ok. I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't hard giving up on it and being strong enough to stand up to him about it. When my son was having a hard time (as he did at first not understanding what was going on) I kept second guessing it but now that 4 months have went by it is going well. He misses his dad but since he sees him on a regular basis he is doing alright. He seems to be adjusting pretty good with only a minor potty setback. It will depend a lot on your relationship (as a parent not putting your child in the middle of your guys problems which you and him being together and him introducing the kids to other women would in my opinion be putting your kids in the middle) and how you two act in front of the kids- they will need to know that mommy and daddy both love them (so no bad mouthing in front of them about the other parent). If you need to talk sometime just let me know- This is all fresh with me and honestly there are still things to figure out- I know how hard and confusing and well conflicting it all is- so if you need someone to listen or want advice let me know... good luck with your decision!

Kassanrdra - posted on 02/15/2009

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As hard as it would be to possibly not see their father daily i think leaving him would be the best for your girls because by him bringing other women around he is disrespecting you in front of your girls and soon they will understand what's going on and in turn may end up disrespecting you..plus i'm assuming you fight over his infidelites and to be around constant fighting is worse living with parents that are constantly at eachother than them not being together and being happy in their individual lives.

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