Taking on someone else's child!!

Sarah - posted on 03/11/2009 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I have just recently come out of a 18 month relationship with a guy that me and my son loved dearly. I met him through work and he new I had a child right from the very start. After only living together for a few months he said he couldn't take on my son no matter how much he loves me. I have moved out and wonder if i will ever meet someone who will feel for my son the way they do for me...



Am i living in a dream world or do men like than exist? Please tell me....

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Known - posted on 01/02/2014

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This is ridiculous, I mistakenly found this page while searching a much different branch off of this basic topic, (Dealing with Roommates whose child is awful and gets away with it, the kid needs her mouth washed out and put in a corner for a few hours, parents prefer coddling and hoping she doesnt have one of her "moods"). My ever present curiosity made me dive into the boards and comments anyhow.. What I found was a prime example of why the situation is present in the first place.. Honestly ladies, it does not matter if you ever find someone who will love your kid the same way they love you... why are you so set on some other person having to be completely head over heels for your offspring? Cant that person be crazy about you and not completely pissed that you have a kid too? Im positive its possible to be madly in love with somepne and not completely crazy about their baggage.. As long as that man can be a positive influence and not an asshole to the kid, he should get the right to say, Yes I love you very much, and I can happily put up with the fact that you come with a permanent anchor, we can make it work... all this, the right man will love you both shit is for the birds... That way of thinking is one of the many reasons your probably not able to function very well in your relationship with life... Be Real..

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Tracy - posted on 06/22/2014

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Robert, just stop talking. I was married for 24 years and my husband got hooked on pain medications after a long illness and then lost his mind and became a full fledged drug addict. We were active in our church and community. I knew him since I was 14 and yet things changed that I could have never forseen. Please don't tell women they are not taking the due diligence to get to know someone before they have children with them. I was with mine for 24 years. How much longer should I have scoped out the situation? Back to the moms on here......

Evelyn - posted on 05/18/2014

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Robert-You can not claim to know my situation or any of the other women on here who are MOM's. This is a mom's site for questions, advice, and debate at times. You do not know any of the history of any of us here. Some may have indeed done as you have stated but I am not one of those women. I do not have to defend myself to your assumptions about me. I was certain at the time but over the course of 12 years of marriage things changed and I was not made aware of those changes he did not like or had happened to him. Its part of life. But I do have a good relationship with my two grown children and that is the important thing.

Robert - posted on 05/18/2014

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Why are women always the victim? That is the better question. I am 100% sure you are not 100% innocent in all of this, so don't kid yourself. Regardless, you married a coward and didn't do your due diligence in weeding out the cowards from the real men. In historical society not all women had children.. Why? They had something called patience to find the right person and didn't start sleeping with the first thing that called them pretty.

Evelyn - posted on 05/18/2014

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Well, Robert, since you are such an expert on this why not tell us how it should really go? When my ex reached his early 30's he decided he was done. He never said why and so he decided it was time to move on. We were both sure of ourselves when we decided to get married. A thing called Change came along.

Robert - posted on 05/18/2014

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Rolf, it takes a real man not to leave I the first place. Finding that man before you have kids is your duty to your children.

Evelyn - posted on 05/18/2014

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Robert--might I remind you that not all women who become single moms just had sex wantonly and got a kid out of the deal. A lot of women have been married and had their husbands leave them and the kids. It takes a real man to be able to take on another man's offspring and help care for them.

Robert - posted on 05/18/2014

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The better question is.. Why did you have kids with someone who left you in then first place. As a man. I would NEVER support another mans kid and that expectation from a women who put no effort into finding a real man to begin with is absolutely absurd. It was your choice to have sex with someone that you didn't put the due diligence into learning about, not mine. That being said if I had children with a woman I would never leave her side, not support her or not be a father to my children. Your problem was having sex with a douchebag and not a real man, don't make it mine.

Jason - posted on 10/21/2012

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Sarah i hope you get this message im a 30 year old male and have just come out of a relationship with a woman who has a child not my own our relationship ended suddenly due to her suffering of mental health and has created a wedge between us so severe that i cant go near her 5year old daughter i would take care of her after work while my partner was at work i got her ready for bed she would come to me for comfort fall asleep with me on the couch cuddle up in bed and as a family we did everything together. Importantly when i meet her mother i knew there was a child involved i made my decision then before things proceeded. I truly believe that i love her as much as her mother i pray for her well being everyday in my heart i would still love to see her however at this point its not possible maybe in the future. Its funny ive been trying to google how to deal with my feelings after taking on someone else child and not having any rites as a father would and i came across your message so in answer to you question men do exist that will love both you and your son but when you find such a man please understand how he would feel if the relationship would end.

Krista - posted on 01/21/2010

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I had the same worries when my husband left me. At the time my children were 3 yrs, 21 months, and 2 weeks. I thought that even when I was to the point of ready to date again, I would not find a guy who would want to take on someone with three young children. It is now almost four years later and I am with an amazing guy who loves my children and treats them as if they were his own, and we have been together for almost two years.
So yes, it is possible and one day the right man will come along, probably when you least expect it!

Becky - posted on 01/13/2010

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This is so interesting! I have a young daughter and I dated a guy with a preteen and a teen. I got close to his daughter and ended up hurting her when I broke up with him. I still feel so bad about it. But I wouldn't stay with that guy just for her sake. But the lesson I learned is: Don't get the kids involved until you know he's the one! And I agree that you're a "package deal". My current boyfriend has a son and he totally gets me and accepts me and my daughter. One idea for all you ladies looking for your prince...don't forget about all the guys out there who are single dads! They understand a whole lot better than single guys without kids! Keep believing!

Isha - posted on 01/01/2010

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Hi!
I have been reading all of the exchanges around this conversation interesting! I had a boyfriend who first charmed me by being all into my son and than turned on my son after he moved in with his son. He played his son against my son not so nice! I thought I loved this guy too and I felt a heart break like I have not for a long time. But I had to ask him to leave my life as i feel we are a package deal as well! I too felt bad about exposing my son to this at first but actually in retrospect my son is learning from these experiences too! We both are stronger and more wiser because of the experience. I have stopped dating for now and realize I need to focus on my son and I and creating a more solid foundation for us! A stabile home environment is the most important thing for a child. I agree when you are ready the right guy will come along. I feel we learn alot about ourselves by being in a relationship so it is important to date when you feel ready. I also feel out children choose their parents and there souls know what they are getting into. We are there guardians and it is also important to be the best mentors for our children and role models. Also I have realized that being a single mom is a big thing with our generation it is new for men too! I never dreamed I would be a single mom but actually I have grown so much through this process and it continues. The rules have changed and as a society we are all figuring it out. It is part of our soul growth so we need to just relax and trust ourselves and our soul growth. I believe there is someone just right for each and everyone of us! It is also important to know we don't always get what we want but we certainly get what we need for our soul growth so pay attention! Blessings, Isha

Michelle - posted on 12/31/2009

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Sarah, there are plenty of men out there I can list a ton I know of. Its just all a matter of finding the right one. My boyfriend actually said to me on our first date that he doesn't really like kids...so I said "ok well I still want you to meet my daughter and if you like her and are fine with her then we can see eachother again...if not then I can't be with you." Next morning he came over met her and we all had breakfast together, about an hour later he was on the floor playing with her and showing her a magic trick.

You just have to find the right one he's out there trust in that.

[deleted account]

The right guy will come along. I was the same way right after my ex-husband left me. But I kept telling myself one thing...all good things take time. I know some days you will think that Mr. Right will never come along. But he will and he will love you and your son unconditionally. The guy you were with obviously didn't care about either of you. Just hang in there and one day your prince will come.

[deleted account]

I'm having conflicting feelings about this as well. My biggest fear is that I won't find a guy who will love both me and my daughter. Her biological father has chosen to not be a part of her life. I do want to eventually fall in love and get married. I would want the guy I'm with to be a father figure. I'm just worried I'll never find a guy who will be able to give her a father's love.

Regina - posted on 06/19/2009

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HELL NO IT NOT A DREAM WORLD!!!
That is what you both deserve, and the man for that matter deserves it! You are now a package deal, If your son doesn't llove them, you don't love them, and vice cersa...My son was in love with my boyfriend before I was...I think that was one of the Big selling points!

Good luck lady!

Jessica - posted on 05/19/2009

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I have dated since me and my daughter's father split up. And I have learned it is a special breed of man that can and will date and love a single mom. I haven't found Mr. Right. I have just learned to keep my kids back, I personally don't want them to get attached to a guy that is just gonna turn around and leave us. I have been dating this guy now for over 4 months. He finished out my pregnancy with my son (his father is a dead beat like most dads), but I told him from the get go, I don't need you in my life, but I would like you to be there. But I don't bring my kids around him unless there are other people i.e. our friends, other kids, etc. I also told him both of my kids have dads and they might not be involved but they have dads and I'm not looking for a "new dad" for them.

But one day you will find someone to love you and your son, he will come, you just have to be patient. That's what I have learned.

Cindy - posted on 03/15/2009

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It seems lose lose i know, and it is =) The problem for lots of men is that it's easier to break up with mom then the kids. I mean the kids are easy to deal with, mom's the one you have to have the "real" relationship with right ? Eventually when you date someone you have to get your kids involved, sadly time is the only thing that tells us the truth. Not moving in with someone you're not married to works too, but yeah then you're stuck with the situation of people who believe their children are "better" then yours cause they're only around a fraction of the time, or people who aren't used to having children around and then it's a surreal experiance for them when you DO move in together (and/or get married). There's no right answer, but there's no wrong answer. All you can do is the best you can do, and someday it'll work out ? Love and Nature are all you have, let day and night sort the rest out.

Sarah - posted on 03/15/2009

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He was the first guy i have dated since splitting with my son's father so i hope to learn from my mistakes. Yes i guest i could never expect anyone to love my child the way i do and his father is very involved in his life so he doesn't need another dad.  But i did court him for over a year before moving in with him and my son was involved in that but i was careful at the same time as i didn't want to mess my son around. Can single mum's win either way if you meet someone and have dated for a long time and make the move to move in together does any man really know what it is really all about until they move in together and have the child around all the time? (if they have not had much experience with children). Also your right it is better to not be in a relationship than having a child get attached to someone then to have them leave again. So what should we do? not date at all or not get our children involved?

Cindy - posted on 03/12/2009

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You will find someone, but it might take a very long time. I suggest not moving in with the next guy, and making him court you AND your son. You also can't expect someone to love your child as their own, nor should they. It's not their child and in my case my kids dad is very involved, they have a father. What kids need to see is both parents (or 1 if the other is out of the picture totally) in a happy, stable relationship, not jumping back and forth, not moving in with people (i've done the same thing, i assure you) but they need a good example of what a GOOD relationship is. It's better to not be in a relationship then to have your children be attached to people that will just leave them again. Obviously when dating you take this risk, and thats ok too, but you will find the right person, when the right person is ready to find you =)

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