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Loris - posted on 03/01/2012
My husband is not abusive, he respects me and never insults me, just yells when I tell him to help, actually today helped me cook and bath our LB, I think he hates when somebody tells him to do something cause when his mom ask him for help, he gets angry too! I think he is getting it....we'll see
Araceli - posted on 02/29/2012
Wow, I think you should really sit down and talk to him. We only live once and if you hate your life you should really try and change it. We (women) work so hard we need to be happy! We are only human not robots! I wish I could see nothing but happy moms!! I have the best man/partner ever. Their is good men out there! My ex was not one of them.
FlyBaby - posted on 02/29/2012
This is a tough one isn't it. It sounds like maybe there are some other issues going on too (I'm not judging, my DH and I have been struggling since DS arrived 2 years ago), but you're right that arguing or shouting in front of the kids is not good for them (I have seen my DS after one of mine and DH's arguments and vowed not to do that to him again). :(
Would it be possible to sit down with your DH at an agreed / planned time, when you're both feeling OK and not emotional about anything, and discuss it? My DH reacts best if he knows exactly what I need him to do, and he can get on with it. I wonder if that sort of approach would be helpful for your DH - but you know him best!
Maybe it would help if at the same time you explained why you don't want shouting in front of the kids and agree that if one of you is getting worked up, the other will calmly point it out and let the upset one go and collect themselves for a few minutes?
All this sounds a bit cheesey as I read it... but I hope any of it helps. best wishes xx
Courtney - posted on 02/28/2012
Let him know what you will and will not put up with,that's what I did and have a son with seizures since 2 months old and when he was 3 he wasdiagnosd with PDd nos I was my husband maid did same thing a new MoM scared to death for my son taking him to doctors neurologists therapies and on top of it I'm living with mother in law husband wasn't working at time just being a brat finally after all the therapies etc with son , my husband made me so mad one day and I told him I wasn't putting up with him talking down to me or I don't clean the way I'm suppose to giving my son his meds daily morning and night, so when he left to work out I took lil man and headed to my moms, It wasn't good for our son the way he spoke to me and our son and hearing and feeling somethingsnot right. I grew up around it, he brought bad memories, and dealing with doing the best i could to pleading him while of corse son s health and with his disability I made sure he was taken care of first. Good Luck!
Follow your heart and pray about it, it's tuff but hell. Show more respect for you, my husbands has been so much better this year and I almost feel bad that I'm the meany :
Caroline - posted on 02/28/2012
Nope! would not have that going on in my house! My Husband worked two jobs and still helped with the kids. Even would get up and help with the night feedings. I gave birth to two kids, I didn't marry one. I married a partner! You need to get a partner and tell the man to go home to his Mother!
Rachelle - posted on 02/28/2012
mine is the same way. he thinks that being a mom isnt a full time job, what men dont get is that we work 24/7 we dont get sick days or anything like that. i also went out and left him with our son to see how he felt after, i only did it for about 3 hours and when i came home he was almost in tears. i also just keep remiinding myself that soon enough our son will be walking and talking and after spending all day with moommy he is going to want daddy when he comes home and will be bugging daddy. so in a ways payback is coming :P
SONJA - posted on 02/28/2012
I understand your frustration. I am in the same boat with my husband and he is at home. I mean granted, he does help a little with our DD- but it is usually not without a sigh, or doing it half-assed. I do NOT get it what so ever and when I try and talk to him about it- yep- the over-reaction and gets all defensive and starts attacking me as if I am just trying to hurt him or something. We agreed when we first got pregnant- NOT to argue in front of our dtr. but that doesn't seem to matter.
Tracey - posted on 02/28/2012
If he grew up helping his mom, then yes, you should be able to expect more. I know my Saud friends can all cook! A friend of mine has a college-aged exchange student who has been staying with them all year. He's 20. He has several cousins in the area, all guys, all under 25, and ALL of them can cook! In fact, they came to my friend's house, and brought all the ingredients to make us kebsa (dish of roasted lamb or chicken and rice, spiced with a special hot curry-ish spice mix and "black lemons") and then taught us how to both cook it and eat it! But he himself has a tendency to wait for my friend to cook him something. But at least if she can't (teaching an ESL class or running one of her own kids to an activity) he knows how to help himself and does.
Raylene - posted on 02/28/2012
Don't do any of his crap for a couple weeks and then see if it opens his eyes.Just do what u need to for you and your children and then see if he approaches you to talk, if he starts screaming take the kids out for a walk or put your ipod on and see if he gets the message. Give him the silent treatment until he realises he has to talk to communicate with you not yell. Counselling may help if you can get him there but it sounds like he knows he's not doing his part he just doesn't want to hear it because thats too hard to deal with. He's not violent physically is he? If so have options like a women's refuge number or friend which you can call or stay with. If he didn't want to help raise a child or children then he should've talked about this b4 you were married or b4 the kiddies came along, being a parent is the hardest job around and double time if there's only 1 of you on board the ship!! Goodluck
Kristen - posted on 02/26/2012
I am sorry I just don't understand when a father, husband isn't involved in raising their children. When my husband and I got married we decided that I would leave my 70 hours a week job and stay home. Now I work the same amount and lost a lot of money doing it, but I love it. He works a lot and has a stressful job but has been a wonderful provider and is great with our son. He plays, feeds, and changes him whenever he gets the chance. I know when he is having a rough week or has some extra stress at work then I just do my thing and don't expect anything when he gets home, but he still amazes me and helps out. I know this prob. isn't helpful but I also wouldn't put up with much else. I didn't become a stay at home mom to be my husbands maid, eventhough I do all those things because I am home, he doesn't expect them at all anyways. I think you need to stand your ground and tell your husband your job is hard, your not sitting just watching t.v. all day and doing nothing. I suggest telling him to stay home and you will go back to work. I bet it wouldn't last long. My husband had knee surgery and was home for 2 weeks and couldn't wait to get back to work, and he likes helping me. Sorry I wish I could help more, I think you just need to be stronger and more bold with him, don't put up with crap.
Toya - posted on 02/26/2012
I am in the same situation,but as I realize its becoming overbearing,I stopped doing a lot,taking his breakfast,lunch to him and that worked he now gets his own whenever he's hungry.he helps with the dishes and cooking.I love being a mom,but its not an easy job,some days are easy breezy and some are totally not.So I know what u Are talking about.Every one has there own techniques how to make our lives better,so u need to show some touGh love. Good luck!
Mitzie - posted on 02/26/2012
To Mariah, marriage is never 50/50. You just have to decide if he is worth it:) Women seem to give more. I think its the maternal instinct in us. And I do believe we all meant our vowels when we said them. It's just, you don't realize how long a life time is. Wishing you a life time of love.
Mareena - posted on 02/26/2012
Wow.. I was really glad to see how many ladies pitched in to help the lady.. Hi Loris, I'm really sad to hear about your husband but I totally understand.. Because I went through the same situation and am still going through.. But some days are better than other and some are really good..
My husband never used to hellp with anything at home at all.. I work a full time job (8 to 5 pm), we have a 5 yr old daughter and I do everything at home, even from tracking & paying the school fees to utility bills, to cleaning, to cooking, to washing, to doing kiddo's homework and everything else.. you name it.. All my husband does it he works a full time job just like me..
Initially it was very difficult as all my friends had such lovely husbands who would help with everything even when they are not working at all.. But lemme tell you, where I come from (India), relationships are taken in a diff way.. Men are kinda used to behaving this way and Ladies are expected to take the toll of everything else... But a lot has changed in the present generation..
I used to get angry, frustrated, lonely, EXHAUSTED & extremely depressed.. But then my church friends started helping me.. Spiritually & Emotionally.. Just think for a moment. R u going to lose this relationship - ur marriage or make the best of it.. We are not the first ones.. There are many who have gone through this.. I'm a christian believer and the Bible says what God has brought together, let no man seperate. Marriage is a relationship or covenant till u die..
I started praying and saw a lot of changes overtime.. It's not easy but not impossible either. God will help you, guide you and show you the way. The best thing to do in these situations is to have Godly mentors / friends, who can help you & guide you and maybe even counsel you both as a family in a family environment.
Pls do read "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. It will definitely help.. Give it a try & lemme know the changes.. God bless you and May your life be filled with love, joy & lots of help.. May your husband become the BEST HUSBAND for you... Lots of love...
Amy - posted on 02/25/2012
Yes, you are married to an Arab and yes, like many others here, I am in the same boat as you. I am also married to an Arab and yes they are big bratty babies who think women are meant to wait on them hand and foot. If the wife is not Arab, thy go on about how Arab ladies can do it all and not complain. Well, that's cos in Arab countries, they all live together and all Arab ladies either have their mom, mom-in-law, sisters, nieces, older daughters, or maids to help with everything! Thy don't hire anyone to help us here or joke about bringing some dirty broad to help us while servicing them. I was disabled when my spouse meet m and he knew it and my health has declined since then and he still does what he does. My house is usually a pit because it is difficult for me to keep up with normal stuff and then he expects me to cook a big pile of food for him to take to enjoy with his friends. While I am making the food, he doesn't properly take care of our 2 year old that I could have died trying to bring her into existence. He takes the food and lavs me with a wild 2 year old and a huge mess to clean that I am too tired to deal with. Kid gets last of my energy, mess waits til next day. Oh and sometimes h will tell me 5 minutes before that he is having someone over so can I clean up the house! And he always tells me to only make enough food for us to eat at one meal and then has the nerve to ask if I have enough food for his guest too! They like to run in all different directions with what they want from you and what you are permitted to do. This comes from having a mom with all her helpers and they give all the credit to one person like she did all the work herself and then expect you to be the same way they think their mom is. They have no clue that it is not possible to run a house and take care of kids and do it perfectly when you have no one to help. This is culture and not the religion. The religion says they have to help. Thy MUST help yet their mommies spoil them while they train their females to do the same for their own sons. I may be sickly but I have thrown him and all his crap out 3 times and each time he came back he would be good for like 5 minutes and then his crappy old self again. Next time I get fed up,he wont be coming back again cos it's gotten old.
Courtney - posted on 02/24/2012
I have been in same situation,dont give in stand your ground, there are plenty of times i just said screw it and yeah we argued but now at least he knows im not perfect like his mom was to him. We. Had nasty fights,seperations, i moved out with our son who was going through a hard time health wise, but after two weeks being gone i was kinda enjoying him not complaining and nagging me all the time,he called finally apologized and he cleans more than me and works and if your hubby makes a remark telling you to get a job say ok, grab your keys and you go and enjoy a nice quiet car ride or park and just sit leave him with the kids for a little.good luck!
Vanessa - posted on 02/24/2012
Every relationship is different, and every man or woman is different, so we can't really compare and judge each other as no one really knows how difficult or easy different SAHM have it. The reason many of us are looking for appreciation is because we have tried so hard for so long to please our husbands by keeping the house clean, cooking for them, or whatever it is that they expect of us and with no appreciation in return. Some SAHM may have more responsibilities than others depending on their situation ( more kids, pets or whatever) My to do list is so long and I can never get around to everything, it just seems too much. Then to have my husband walk in after I've been doing nothing but chasing after the kids and cleaning up after them all day to have my husband come home and say"what did you do all day? This place looks like a bomb went off, why don't you clean up for once?"
It is frustrating and I just wish he would understand what I go through every day and show a little appreciation once in a while. I've tried to explain it all to him but he doesn't get it. He replies "Most Moms I know are able to get their kids dressed and out of the house by 9 am, why can't you?"
I'm sure that they are not the Moms that are up all night with crying children.
If it wasn't for the lack of sleep I would have the energy to get a lot more done. I haven't had more than 5 hours of sleep a night in 3 years. Once my second child was born I was up about 4 or 5 times a night with each child. That is 8-10 times a night of 15 to 30 minute nursing and trying to get the kids back to sleep. So waking up at 6 am exhausted and trying to feed and nurture crying children, do laundry etc. and getting no help from my husband who was often at home and sleeping in. Some husbands are really selfish and some wives just need to vent about it.
Jenna - posted on 02/24/2012
If you really love someone, you'll want to find ways to meet their needs even if their needs don't necessarily mesh with your needs. If you expect the other person in a relationship to show their appreciation for you first, you'll be waiting a long time. Of course there are those who are fortunate to be in relationships where their spouse is acutely aware of their needs and focuses on that, but the bottom line is people are selfish, that's the way we naturally are, and it takes work to be unselfish. When we're unselfish, others around us eventually start to see that and often will reciprocate, but it doesn't happen overnight, in a month, a year or sometimes even ten years. People do not like to change, and they especially won't if their spouse/partner is highly critical. That never brings about change. Just loving them and trying to meet their needs is about the only thing you can do. Of course that takes communication and effort and it has to start somewhere. YOU can't change anyone else, which is why the place it starts is by changing how YOU do it, how YOU act about it.
Keri - posted on 02/24/2012
I hate to even write on here. My husband is kinda the opposite. So much so I'm sure part of our problem is he'd rather be at home & have me go to work. Which really sticks in my throat as it in turn makes me feel like he thinks he could/would do a better job. Which hurts! Although he would never say it. In a nut shell I feel more inadequate than anything. He never wants to go out with friends, never encourages me to see mine. If I buy anything there will always be a question or comment made. I have never felt more micro managed in my personal life than I do now. I've tried talking about this many times which usually turns into me screaming. Because when I repeat the same thing over & over I get frustrated. Nothing ever changes wither we talk or I scream.In one ear & out the other. He says all he's doing is trying to help by doing my jobs.. All I want him to do is spend QUALITY time with our children NOT revolving around tv, pc or ipad & do the things on his list. I hate it, because arguments usually happens in front of my 2yr old. He just sits there & looks at me. Then I feel bad because all my child sees is me attacking daddy. I in turn for this privilage resent him deeply. I am so tired of feeling this way. I am 8 months pregnant with 2nd child & just feel totally stuck & like a horrible person. My 1st pregnancy was such a joy & I was incredibly happy. I feel the complete opposite this time around & like I said, makes me resent my relationship with him even more.
Mitzie - posted on 02/24/2012
I don't think its all a culture thing. I am married 18 years to an all American "boy", who thinks the world rotates around him. Partly my fault because I let him think that when we were dating. He was also raised by a very self center mother. They won't change unless you do. You can tell him, yes honey you come first, right after ME. I have 15 year old twin boys who I am raising, (I hope) to be more better husbands. Good luck!
Kirsty - posted on 02/24/2012
Wow:(. Many different opinions and options.
Unfortunately I am in the same boat.:(
Being a SAHM I expect to keep the house clean, laundry done etc, however to be told to get his coffee, make him a sandwich etc is to far.
I think you DO need to stand up for yourself, just choose your battles carefully.
Mine has been hearing the "no" word ALOT lately and each time he will have a tantrum like a child but I stick to it.
Work out what you ARE prepared to take care of for him and what you are not and stick to it.
Fiona - posted on 02/24/2012
I don't expect anyone to change but I'm certainly not gonna go research ways to better service him, if he didn't appreciate anything I was currently doing... I will bend over backwards for my partner if I'm shown appreciation & if he told me things he wanted from me I would try for him... I do believe every relationship has a hero & let's face it most men are pretty oblivious to the things happening around them but every hero gets acknowledgement for what they've done
Lisa - posted on 02/24/2012
I have to be honest, some of the responses here are pretty ridiculous. Why do we women think we can nag a man into changing?! I'm pretty sure no one here would miraculously change because our hubby whined at us for the hundredth time.
That being said, I do understand your position. Been there. Still there, some days. Things really started to change though, was when *I* changed. I took the "job" of being a SAHM seriously. I researched ways to save money and get things done more efficiently. I found ways to make cooking and household chores easier and less time consuming. Just changing my attitude towards my "job" made me more joyful about it. I asked my husband what kind of things he really needed from me, like the top 3 things. Every guy has different "needs". Then I started fulfilling those needs. I was then able to calmly explain what I needed from him. He saw that I was gladly going out of my way to meet his needs and that made him want to meet mine (=Love). I was reasonable with my requests and showed much appreciation when they were met. Every relationship needs a hero. Being mad and waiting for him to come around isn't the answer. Work on being the best wife and mother you can be. He will notice the attitude change and hopefully reciprocate. Even if he doesn't, you will feel better about yourself because you are doing everything in your power and doing it well!
Hang in there, girl. hugs.
Two REALLY REALLY good books are:
*His Needs Her Needs
(if you can get him to read it too, even better! It helps the emotionally challenged man understand be able to communicate his needs as well as understand his wife's - this book seriously saved my marriage.)
*Created to be His Helpmeet
(this is a book with a strong christian perspective but no matter your faith, or no faith, it will challenge and encourage you on your journey of being the woman you were created to be!)
Sarah - posted on 02/24/2012
I know it would be hard at first, but you two need to talk. Find someone who can take the kids for a few hours and tell your husband you two need tot alk about wht is expected in your marriage.. YOUR NOT A MAID. I am, well was, a SAHM for over 15 years and not once did I iron anything for him. He has arms too!! I did consider it my job to make him dinner, he worked all day to pay for the food and our home. I DID NOT AND DO NOT "fetch" him his "gear"~coffee, robe, cigarettes~ whatever~ God gave him two legs also.
Yes.. YES he is going to get mad!! Your asking him to do something he doesn't wanna!! boohoo.. He's notta child, he's not living at home with Momma. He's now a Father and Husband and more is expected from him that a frikkin tantrum when you try to discuss something with him..
So, my advice would be to talk to him, have it out and quit doing all the little extras that you do for him ... who does those little extras for you girl?? Yeah, thats what I though, no one.
Allana - posted on 02/24/2012
My husband was like that for the first 3 years, and we already had our daughter when we got married, it wasn't until I told him I wanted a divorce (for other reasons) that things started to get better I had put conditions on my staying, its taken nearly a year, but everyday he gets a little better. I look at the way his parents we're and I can understand why he's like this. But I was working, and paying more of the bills than he was, and I had to come home and do all the housework, and if he was off work and I wasn't, I still had to take a bus (not his car) and drop our daughter off at daycare so he could "rest" wasn't just sleeping, otherwise there wouldn't be a mess to clean up, working all day and cleaning all night makes for an exhausted grumpy and fed up wife. Take a stand for yourself!!! You'll be glad you did!!,
HANNAH - posted on 02/24/2012
I appoligze hun i have lived in this situation and i do understand my fiance was like that the whole time i was prego and now i told him to get the FUCK! up and help out speak your mind shock him and yourself !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lauren - posted on 02/24/2012
I understand (Emma) your feeling around "conforming" to a man's culture, HOWEVER, I don't believe for one second that Loris didn't know what she was getting herself into (Sorry Loris...I do feel for you and understand) before she married this man.
I can say the same for myself being married to a middle eastern man. I thought because he'd been living in Canada since his early teens he'd be different...doesn't work like that. All the signs for me (and lots of women) are there. Some like me think you can change that person, others choose to ignore the signs! Women, especaially when marrying into another culture need to observe how the men interact with their family members, but most of all their MOTHERS!! It'll be an eye opener that's for sure! I was at my in-laws place every week and observed...it was the women that "served" the men! Either you accept it or you don't! Plain and Simple. And if you don't accept it, don't marry into the culture and if you already have you either accept it or leave!! But in Loris's case and mine for that matter, it's easier said than done when you have no job and two kids.
For people to tell Loris to tell her husband to "shut the *&^% up, tell him to help out, get his own sandwich (which I do think is ridiculous at 11PM), etc. unless you have lived in this situation you really have no idea what it's like!
Have a great day all! And to Loris and all the other SAHM's who don't get the respect and recognition they deserve....in the end, it's all about your kids that matters...they love you unconditionally.
Michelle - posted on 02/24/2012
h needs to help when he comes home . being a mother is a full time job. period. any mother can tell you that. ask him if he wants to switch you go to work lets see how long he can last without cracking. not long i bet.helping him is one thing but to do every little thing for him is ridiculous. and no he should not be yellinga t you like that in front of the kids.
Vanessa - posted on 02/23/2012
I know how you feel, my husband is very similar. We have been married for 3.5 years and have a 3 year old daughter and a 1.5 year old son. My husband can't make a sandwich for himself either, but I would never do it at 11 pm if I was already in bed. That is asking too much. I have been trying hard to get through to him since my daughter was born. He is getting better, but I still don't feel appreciated and get no empathy from him from a hard day with the kids. I do all the daily chores, dishes, laundry cooking etc. and all the childcare. My husband has only changed 3 or 4 diapers and only the wet ones. Preferably my sons diaper only. He is always complaining about toys on the floor and dishes in the sink and drops of juice on the floor. I don't ever get to sit down and relax. My husband can't handle being left alone with the kids for more than 10 minutes. So he won't watch them while I take a shower, I have to have them in the bathroom with me. He also won't help me discipline them. Rather than tell them no, or get them down off the counter or whatever it is they are doing, he calls me out of the bathroom or wherever saying, "they are climbing on the counters, come in here and tell them no."
My husband has a bad temper also. Though I am not afraid of confronting him anymore and I put him in his place a lot now when he complains or shows lack of appreciation. He has started doing little things like setting the table for dinner, but we still have a long way to go.
One of my biggest problems is that I don't know how to divide up chores fairly. I have asked him to help with childcare and chores in the past and he says he has enough on his plate and he always seems stressed out so I don't bother asking. He does do the yard work and when he has complained about the trash or recycling bins in the kitchen being too full, I told him that I have enough to do and that that is something he should do. So now I let HIM know when it needs to go out and he does it.
I don't have any advice for you as I am in the same boat, all I can say is you can't change them overnight, it is a long term battle. And you have to know what you expect of him, communicate that with him and stand your ground about it. I also keep reminding myself to appreciate him and our beautiful home. Sometimes all I want from him after a hard day is a little sympathy and a hug...hopefully one day I can get at least that. I wish I could leave for the day or have him do my job for a week, but he would just hire a babysitter. With all that said though, he does let me hire a mother's helper/ babysitter once or twice a week to help with the chores and kids. The really issue is feeling that I don't have a "partner" in raising the kids and I don't feel appreciated or equal.
Fiona - posted on 02/23/2012
Us wives do a lot & we do handle it.... But being woken up to make him a sandwhich is something he can handle by himself!!!! You're not a maid & shouldn't be treated like one.... It's called respect :o) and by the sounds of it, job or no job the household chores would be expected of you anyway :o/ A maid isn't gonna be there at 11 at night to fill his tummy when his hungry!!! he might get another woman to come do it for him if you dont live up to his expectations but I'm pretty sure there'd be a man out there that would appreciate what you do & give a lot more respect than that!!
Tracey - posted on 02/23/2012
I'd tell him if he wants a maid, he needs to hire one! Am I right in guessing he's not the same ethnic background as you are? I have a good friend who from Saudi Arabia, and his mother has three maids. She still interacts with the kids and runs the house, and she cooks (because she's a great cook and enjoys it), but if someone wants a sandwich, it's either do it when a maid's around, or it's self-serve (unless the person asking can't yet tie his/her shoes).
Leilani - posted on 02/23/2012
That is what we do as wives.. WE HANDLE IT! If not you, another woman will come and do it for him. Sweety, I'm not going to sugar coat anything. The fact that you don't have a job makes it harder on you both, so keep your head high and keep reminding him that you're doing what you need to do as a mother/wife.
If he HONESTLY wants you to get a job.. do it.
Lauren - posted on 02/23/2012
I know men can be lazy and all, but this sounds more like a culture issue than a "man" issue. I say that because i'm married to a middle eastern man and I'm Canadian through and through.
"They" were born and raised that way! Really it's not there fault...sorry, but it's true! I was born and raised where the man/father is involved!
I had a very difficult time with it in the beginning, especially when I worked fulltime and was still expected to come home and cook and clean. I assumed since he'd been here in Canada for the last 20 years that he'd be different! Nearly caused us to divorce. I can count on one hand how many times he changed my son's diaper, and my daughter? Forget about it!
We went to counseling, kinda helped, but it was more me coming to the realization that he will never change and either I accept him the way he was or I leave! If there's one thing I've learned, it's you can't change a person only yourself.
Once I became a stay at home mom ( 4 years ago), my attitude changed. I am a stay at home mom and it is my responsibility to care for the kids and cook and clean! HOWEVER, my house is not spic and span on a daily basis...after all I do have two kids! But for the most part it is tidy and there is food on the table 5 out of 7 days!
I feel for you I do, especially with your kids being sproo young! Mine are 4 and 8 now....my 4 year old started school this past September...a bitter sweet moment, but I had been looking forward to that moment for a very long time! Finally a break! A few precious hours to MYSELF. 8 years of not having time to myself EVER and now I can sit and do absolutely NOTHING!
Anyway, I'm sorry if I rained on your parade as I realize my comments weren't probably what you wanted to read, but I do believe what I've written is probably bang on. For your sake I hope your husband changes, but don't count on it! The real issue is what are you wanting/willing to do about it.
Audra - posted on 02/23/2012
That he had a maid all his life explains a lot. He needs to know that you are not his maid. He's come to expect being waited on, but he's not a child anymore. There's great value in doing things yourself.
Audra - posted on 02/23/2012
You've got a birthday coming up...Happy Birthday (early)! He should never scream in front of the kids. It's so disrespectful, and it shows a total lack of self-control when he can't delay the argument long enough to move to another room.
You should be able to open up to your spouse. If not him, who?? He's the one who should know your home and family best. He's naive if he thinks it's going to run without conflict. When all is well, you should ask him what he wants you to do the next time you run into a home/kid/marriage-related conflict...he should have an answer of some kind.
You should be specific with him. Tell him exactly what you need him or want him to do to help. Give him one thing to do at a time. Don't be afraid to say "Honey, I can't..." It's OK to say "Honey, I can't get you tea right now because I'm managing the kids." At least, it should be OK. He's a grown man...you can do for him sometimes, but you have more to do than to just fetch what he needs...
Jenna - posted on 02/23/2012
Men can be really brainless, sometimes. I've been married 10 years, almost 11, and we have five children. I have stayed home with the kids since day one. My husband has had his periods of time where he is super-helpful and pleasant and periods of time where he won't do a darn thing.
I have come to understand that yelling at him, telling him he is being lazy or unhelpful, or criticizing how he does things when he finally does them is not going to go over well. What does work is asking him nicely, "Honey, I'm busy trying to change the baby's diaper, can you grab the chicken from the fridge and start cutting it up and then I'll be in in a second to help you finish up." Give direct, specific instructions but do it politely, as you would a friend or co-worker.
Also, when he does ever help, even if all he does is bring you a bottle of water from the fridge or hold the baby for a minute while you run to the bathroom, whatever, you thank him profusely. "Honey, thanks so much for holding the baby while I went to the bathroom, that was the first time all day I was able to pee without bringing the baby in with me." "Thanks so much for getting me this water, I was so thirsty. It really means a lot to me when you help me out." He's more likely to repeat the task if he's complimented for it. "Thanks for rinsing off your dish instead of leaving it on the counter" (even if he only rinsed the one dish and left a sink full of dirty dishes--next time he might wash all of them!). It's a long, slow process, but it does work.
Also, let him know you appreciate the things he does. He works and brings home the money so you can have food, clothes, a place to live, etc. Be appreciative of that. I hate my husband's job and go through periods of time where I am so mad he decided to stay with what he does even though he had better career options at a few different times in our marriage. He's a fast food manager and it's not a very family-friendly job. He's ALWAYS on call, even at 3 am, and his job isn't even helping people, like a doctor would be. But I've learned to let him know that I appreciate his hard work and his willingness to do that so I can be home with the kids.
It's amazing how these little things will soften his heart so he will be more willing and eager to help you out and might even do it on his own without being prompted!
Stifler's - posted on 02/23/2012
I would say absolutely not to a sandwich at 11PM too. Or I would get up and make him watch a sandwich making demonstration so that he has no excuse not to do it himself in the future. I understand doing most chores since you stay home but making sandwiches at 11 and doing everything while he watches tv or plays computer is a bit rough.
Tiffany - posted on 02/23/2012
o wow well i dont have that problem sometimes i feel like a single mother and im a stay home mom that does everything my husband does help but sometimes his helping isnt what id like it to be and yes i know he is tired cuz he works very hard to support us. maybe you need to tell him he needs to help they are his kids to adn he helped create them so he can help take care of them, i know thats stright forward but sometimes you have to stand your ground and show him you mean business
Michelle - posted on 02/23/2012
I think it would be best to sit down and have a talk with him. Don't accuse him of treating you like a slave but eplain to him that you are partners in the marriage and you feel that some of the household chores need to be divided.
Maybe even sit down while he is at work and draw up a chart of what he could help you with.
If all else fails, go on strike for a day or two. My ex husband was like that and when I left (for other reasons) he found out how much I actually did.
Fiona - posted on 02/23/2012
Yeah I understand I sit back & often think 'I've allowed this to happen by doing everything' but in saying that they shouldn't take advantage of our good, caring natures & actually show appreciation for what we do... Saying if you don't like it get a job is sooooo wrong & an arsehole of a thing to say :o/ my man has said that to me too many times & it makes my blood boil because I have a job a bloody 24/7 job not a 9 to 5 job!!! We are here on call & should be appreciated for it at the least!!! My heart goes out to you because I too am in the same boat & it's depressing... Sometimes it makes it hard to appreciated the things we should be because of the strain they cause!!!
Loris - posted on 02/23/2012
sometimes I do tell him NO, and he begs and I fall asleep, but its my fault, foir being so naive and stupid, he is my first love, my first man, and I think lack of experience on how to behave in a relation ship has made me being sp silly, but as you say, I can put my foot down and enough is enough
Fiona - posted on 02/23/2012
Loris I don't know what your life if really like & it's hard seeing this is all he knows but if my partner asked me to make him a sandwich when I was nearly asleep I'd tell him to go get stuffed cause I'm stuffed lol not a laughing matter but maybe you need to put your foot down just like I need too!!! Hopefully you can gain strength from everyone else on here & hopefully I can too :o) goodluck!! It's horrible not being appreciated for everything you do.... At least they get a payslip at the end of their week.... What do we get??? :o/
Stifler's - posted on 02/23/2012
That's crap he really needs to help out. Let him have dinner and half an hour alone because my husband explained last night to me that I"m craving attention because I"m home all day but he is around people so he needs to be left alone for half an hour and then he can help with the dishes or putting the kids to bed or whatever you want him to do.
Jessica - posted on 02/22/2012
mu husband did this ( still tires to sometimes) i couldnt just leave my baby has been very ill from birth. And it sucked. i simply took bub and said grow up, or stuff off, and left for a week. he rang around everywhere after 2 days and i just appeared a week later. he got mad and i said r u ready to listen or be a jerk. it worked. and now yes we still have bumps but not as many
Crystal - posted on 02/22/2012
Not that it matters, but how long have you been married, and how old is your child/children? In my experience and in reading the same post over and over on here, you're not alone. I have been married almost 10 years and my kids are 6 and 4. I've been a SAHM since my son was born and it took YEARS for my hubby to really get what I was asking, when I would ask for help. It took arguments, calm discussions and flat out honesty about what I expected and what he expected. He needs to realize that both of you chose to bring your child/children into your lives, and are both responsible for raising them. His job doesn't end just because he left work. He still has a family and household to be a part of. Whether you live in your own house or with his family (as you mentioned), the space you live in is all of yours, and you should all be responsible for cleaning and caring for it. He uses dishes, sheets, towels, clothes, etc. Just because you stay home doesn't mean you should solely be responsible for it all. Has he ever been alone with your child/children? does he know how to juggle everything himself, as he expects you to? Its time you put your foot down, DEMAND his assistance. It may take you just stopping everything, taking care of the kid(s) and nothing else. If he wants clean clothes for work, he'll need to clean them; if he wants dinner, he can cook it. SAHM does not equal personal maid. :) Best of luck. Be strong.
Fiona - posted on 02/22/2012
I feel your pain... I have a 4 year old & 2 year old twins. My partner has never given any of them a bottle, has changed 4 nappie's tops, has never ever touched the vacumn, washing machine or dishes. He won't look after the kids so I can have time out & it drives me nuts!!!! I even do the lawns & gardening (my choice cause he would do it but it's my timeout.... I'd rather listen to a lawn mower than the kids!!) he will cook but I help with all the prep work so I know how ya feel :o) they are good for one thing & that's making the kids!!! In saying that not all men are bad a couple of my friends have hubby's that do everything!!!! I picked the wrong apple from the tree lol his lucky I love him..... For now anyway lol ;o)
Darlene - posted on 02/22/2012
Loris, you are not alone! I am married to one simalar to yours. I took alot of crap like you for several years. Speaking from experience, you need to take a stand! Stop doing things for him...tell him that you are not his maid. Make him get his own coffee, do his own laundry and so on. You married him "For better or worse, for richer for poorer", You, my dear did not marry him to be his maid. Stand up for yourself! I had to after 25 years of marriage. I got fed up with alot of crap. I worked for thr first 22 years, then our daughter came along (very late in life) and he did to me what yours is doing to you. One day I got really mad and decided that he needed to see what it would be like if he did not have a wife. I stopped doing EVERYTHING! After a couple of weeks, he got the message. He began to do his own laundry, helped cook and keep somewhat of our house cleaned up, and help with our daughter.
Now, I home school our daughter and nephew. He helps...if not I go in into "Witch" mode. I take into consideration that he works but remember the "Mom / Wife Moto" A Woman's work is Never done, starts at dawn and goes to bed when all work is done!
Honestly, just let him know how hard you work and you would appreciate a little help from him. If not, then show him how much you do by not doing it...either way, he will get the message. I hope things work out for you.