Allowing your child to drink, smoke, or have sex in the home

Oliver - posted on 04/13/2010 ( 65 moms have responded )

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I'm really curious on people's opinion on this, because until recently, I honestly believed that most people felt this was a big No-No.



Of course I'm talking along the lines of teenagers here, so wether or not you guys have them or taken from your experience in your own parent's home. Do you think it's ok to allow your child to smoke, drink, or have sex under your roof?



I personally would never allow it. My parents forbid behavior like that and I wasn't the type to experiment with any of it outside the home. But it's my understanding that a lot of people actually feel it's ok because kids are going to do it any way, and by letting them do it at home, you know they're at least safe.



Thoughts?



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Cindy - posted on 02/13/2012

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I'd rather my children do those things at home than at other places. I buy them their condomns, I buy them their cigarettes, and I buy them their beer. I figure that If I don't them that stuff, they will seek that stuff elsewhere and could get into trouble by it.The only stipulations I have is they are not allowed to drink alcohol on a school night, and they cannot smoke more than 6 packs of cigarettes a week. They can have sex in our house with anybody they want any day they want.

[deleted account]

Smoking will not be allowed under any circumstances in my home. Smoking is very addictive, most people who try it, stick with it and by allowing it in my home I would be allowing him to try it and thus become addicted. Furthermore, smoking has been proven to be detrimental to long term health, so I intend to teach him that it is simply wrong and irresponsible to smoke anywhere at all, much less in my home. (plus it stinks, causes yellowing to walls and fabric, and all sorts of other things I don't want happening to my lovely little house).



Sex will not be allowed while he lives with us. I personally do not believe you are old enough to have sex until you can emotionally AND financially support the baby that may result from intercourse (birth control can fail). If my son is still living in my house, he's obviously not ready so why would I condone it? Now after he's married or brings a girlfriend home to meet us, but is living in his own place, I would allow them to have sex in my house then.



Drinking will be allowed in my home. In the US you are legally allowed to give YOUR children alcohol at any age--I will NOT be giving alcohol to other teens. I think that home is a good place to learn to drink responsibly and he will not need to drive anywhere afterwards (and if he tries, I can stop him). There are no proven long term medical effects of light drinking, most conditions associated with drinking are linked only to heavy drinking, which I do not condone and will teach my son not to do (and why he shouldn't do it).



I am interested to read other's posts. My husband's brother is currently allowing his 15 year old son to have sex with his 18 year old girlfriend in their home. I don't agree, but it's his choice.

Justine - posted on 04/22/2010

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If you condone it in the home because you think they will be safe, DONT BE FOOLED! If they choose to do it in the home, they will do it outside the home as well! Our jobs are to teach them responsible behavior, not to say "its ok to do it here, and not ok to do it there." I think ppl who allow it just want to have that open relationship with their child where there are no lies, but there are ways to talk to your children. If you discipline with anger instead of love or w the purpose to teach, ofcourse youre going to scare them, and ofcourse theyre not going to come to you with things. i think the solution is to learn how to talk to your children, show interest and always remember they all have different personalities

Dawn - posted on 04/25/2010

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I'm not sure on that one. My Mom let my boyfriend live with us when I was 15-18. The first time I got preg. was when I was 21. So if you teach them responsibility there it is OK.
I started smoking at 12 I couldn't smoke in the house because my parents didn't smoke. I stated drinking at 12 also they let me have a margarita with them now and again. But then I cleaned there bar out with in a few months. I went on to be a drinker for many years quiting 9 1/2 years ago. I smoked for a total of 30 years quiting recently. So to make a long story end I would not let my kids smoke or drink at home and I'd make sure they knew that if they did it outside the home and I found out they would get in big trouble. And they would regret it later in life as I do. Because it will get them absolutely nothing but trouble and bad habits.

Amanda - posted on 04/22/2010

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I still can not believe how many people think that my dad giving me a mickey was a bad thing! I am not an alcoholic, my liver is very healthy, and I have never done anything stupid! I haven't had a drink in four years! I have friends who parents thought the same way you guys are and most of them were drunks by 17! I also had a friend who went to spring break and had to be rushed to the hospital cause she didn't know how her body would handle alcohol, and she binged. Why is it ok for your child to sneak a drink behind your back but not ok to say hey mom/dad last night I had one drink. But I didn't get in someone's car who had been drinking. My parents put my life in my hands. If I wanted to drink the mickey then I did. If I didn't didn't. I didn't feel the need to go to a party and get drunk. Funny thing at one party when I was 16, I have a June b-day, so I wasn't 17 till after the school year ended, we were having a b-day party and the cops came. They asked us how much we had to drink, I told them straight out half a mickey. They gave me a breathalyzer test I blow under the limit. Shows you how much was in a mickey. They didn't arrest us or call our parents. They asked me where did I get it told them my dad bought it. They asked why. Told them that he wanted me and him to know what I was putting in my body and not take a drink from someone I didn't know. Guess what the cop said. Good for them they would rather you drink a small amount then get a pill slipped into your drink. A cop said it! My parents put what trust they had for me in my hands. They told us if we got drunk then we had a problem, but if he had a few then ok, we knew our limit. I agree with Sarah, they want that control of their life, giving them the control of what they do will help them mature and not get drunk and like an immature child. Keeping from this world were drugs, alcohol and smokes are in their eyes every time they turn on the tv will only confuse them. Look at the cartoons we watched. Babar, the rinos would smoke and drink and many other had it too, but we all turned out fine. Today more and more shows deal with it. Let them watch this show called 16 and pregnant. Tells them everything they would want to know. Seeing is different then you telling them trust me.

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Dawn - posted on 04/25/2010

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Luckly all my bad habits are gone now but I am also 42 1/2 now with a baby that needs me for a long time to come. And if continuded the way I was going I'd not be here for him.

Justine - posted on 04/22/2010

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oh and btw i wasnt refering to anyone with my post lol ..i didnt even read most of them. I was just giving my opinion on the subject ;-)

Sarah - posted on 04/20/2010

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i dont believe sex in my home for my daughter but i would rather have an open relationship with her and talk her thru things and tell her everything think i know abt it all.my mom did that with me i have never smoked and had my first drink on my wedding night also lost my v to my husband on out wedding night.i just think her being honest made me feel that i didnt need to rebel so that i felt in control of my life i think that s why teens rebel so that they feel like they have control of there life its like when kids learn that they can say no and dont need mommy to do everything for themself well most everything but that is just how i feel

Annemaree - posted on 04/20/2010

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i also belive the more restrictions u put on the teens are gonna make them rebel even more try n come to a compromise

Annemaree - posted on 04/20/2010

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no it dosnt make you a irrasponsible parent at all,, if u have a teenager like i was a strong willed little monster i think it would b great to come to a compromise..... as a teenager myself my mother caught me smoking and bought a packet n made me smoke the whole packet in one sitting eww i was 13 n i have never smoked since lol it worked...... when it came to drugs my mother forbid it in the house she knew i was taking them to much of her disgust and disapointment ..........when it came to drinking it was totally different as we were brought up with a alocholic abusive father who was of the scene by then, mum was a little hesitant she sat us down told us what can happen under the influence but als said that she would prefe if we wanted to drink to do it under her roof as she would know that i was safe and she can monitor how much i could actually handle.. when it camr to sex she was hoping i would wait longer but somhow she knew when it happend she said i looked differnt mothers sence apparently lol. she was extremly disapointed but also glad i did it safly she didnt aprove of sex in the house but she always said if u r going to do it anyway at least she was in the nxt room if i got into trouble.... me an my mum dont really get on we never really have but i think she did a wonderful job with bring us kids up with good values.. i have always said u hold them back they are just gonna go do it all anyway n yes to be upfront with so u at least know what there up to is a good thing.. i have always said my kids can tell me anything n illl listen my kids aint that old yet but as much as i dont want to even think of them drinking smoking n having sex i know its gonna happen so yes under my roof will be fine ... but it is up to the individual parent n how mature the child is good luck with this one

Shannon - posted on 04/20/2010

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Absolutley not!! That is your house to raise your children to be self aware, responsible, contribute to society , and RESPECTFUL. Yes most kids will do that stuff anyways only because they have nothing else to do. I feel if yo allow your child to drink and smoke in your home th you are contributing to their deliquince. We are suppose to teach our kids healthy choices and that some choices have bad consequences. Unfortunately parents have to live with their kids choices too..concerning the sex, I can't even say how much that makes me ..ugh..thta it should be ok to allow ones son or daughter to have sex at home. Yes they will eventually do it but come on people why? My opinion on all this is you can't be a responsible parent and condone irresponsible acts of your children.

[deleted account]

I think certain things should be forbidden by parents, if only so that the child knows that there are limits and learns to be responsible for his own behavior. If he breaks a rule, then he suffers the consequence. How does a child learn proper behavior if the parents fail to first set boundaries?



That said, my parents allowed us to drink small amounts of wine in the home, but only at family dinners, only on major holidays, only after age 16, and the adults in my family also modeled responsible (moderate) drinking. It removed the notion of alcohol being a novelty item to be binged on one's 21st birthday, or worse, at college parties as a minor.

Adrianna - posted on 04/20/2010

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in my parents house well at least my fathers, he said if ur going to drink do so here at home so u dont get in trouble but smoking and sex was off limits in his house

Rachel - posted on 04/20/2010

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Wow .. my mouth just hit the floor.. I cannot imagine giving any of my children an alcoholic beverage to help them become responsible drinkers..! Alcohol is a drug.. it is also something you can become addicted to.. And it causes damage to your liver.. And it alters a persons ability to function most things.. Wonders where you even thought of this as being a bright idea.. :|

Jessica - posted on 04/19/2010

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Ok, first off, it my spelling isn't correct please excuse me. My mother was pretty good at this sort of thing. She didn't tell me not to just she wished me not to and why. So when I would get cought doing something she disaproved of she would be disapointed and not speak to me. This hurt worse then any punishment she could have set. she would not allow us to smoke or have sex in the house, its disrespectful. As for the drinking, our father was an alchaholic so we saw firsthand what drinking can do so aside from tasting it at a friends we did not drink. I didn't lose my "V" till i was 18. I did however pick up smoking (college) and I had my first child 2 1/2 yrs after i was married. Not that I couldn't do any of these things at a friends house but my mom gave me lots of info and her trust. She also had rules:

1 no dating til 16

2 no friends house unless she met the parents and aproved

3 boys could come to the house to stay but they were downstars with her and i was upstars. (she never slept)

The thing I rebeled on was i wanted to date guys I knew she'd disaprove of but still follow the rules. She would say I don't care who he is and I would lose intrest fast ( smart mom lol)

Liv - posted on 04/19/2010

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Your House your Rules! Stand by your beliefs and your morals, dont let society raise them.Tough love and straight up facts work for some kids others you need to take them on a tour for example what drunk driving can do and teen pregnancy facts and maybe talking with teen parents also kids at any age need to respect there parents.Absinense and respect for marriage. Asking about there goals and how there going to achieve it with peer pressure knocking on there door! I went to school with a lot of kids saying there parents care less. They were heavy smokers and kids that got pregnant cause they had no boundaries. Etc. An idea to young girls and boys are promise rings to stay pure and focus on there goals for the future like college. Also getting them involved in after school actives like swimming ,girl scouts , boy scouts , paper route, chores can keep them busy . Also telling them you Do Care what they do and how they feel and that they can always come to you day or night if they need help or to talk because they do matter to you! I hope this helps!

Sabrina - posted on 04/19/2010

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I grew up in a home where NOTHING was okay. And my mother and I still don't speak. I think it's just fine for teens to drink AT HOME, I don't want them doing it out with friends or behind my back. So I much prefer they do it from home. As for smoking, I can't tell them know, my DH smokes and I can't wait to not be prego so I can smoke again. And I have never understood why people don't want their teens to have sex. It's a great part of life and I see no reason to deny them that. However, I do ask that they do it safely and that she is over the age of concent. Otherwise, I have no issue with it.

I had LOTS of sex, drank LOTS of alcohol, did LOTS of drugs and started smoking in elementary school - ALL of it was done behind my mothers back and ALL of it was done in very dangerous situations. Had I been able to he open and honest with my mom, I wouldn't have been at so much risk. Today, I am a successful business owner, I have succeeded at everything I ever tried... And I know they can to, but unlike me, I don't want them to HAVE to do it alone like I did...

Jenelle - posted on 04/19/2010

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NO!! It is not okay!! If you allow them to smoke and drink under your roof with your supervision than you are committing a crime. If you are concerned that they will do it somewhere else anyway, then you need to be stricter with the rules, and more involved in their lives,,,who their friends are, what do they like to, know their friends parents.

Cindi - posted on 04/19/2010

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None of this is allowed in our home, Our 17 year old has a girlfriend and they are not allowed to be at home by themselves at our house or at her house, it makes it comforting to know that his girlfriend's parents have the exact same rules and expectations that we have set for them. He has told me many of times that his friends and other classmates ask him all the time why he doesn't hang out, he told us because all they do is drink smoke and use drugs and he wants no part of it. So proud of him. We talk to both of our boys all the time, and tell them if we ever find out they are doing any illegal drugs we will call the cops. It's very challenging to raise kids these days, I pray everyday that they will listen to us and be their own person and make the right decisions and follow the path that the good Lord has for them.

Amanda - posted on 04/18/2010

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Kristine Sarvela,
I think that your son was to young too, but I do applaud him for his honesty. My parents were stick about curfew for me too. They held very high standers for me, but told me that if I was going to drink it was my choice and they couldn't stop me. I would walk out of the house with a half drunken bottle of alcohol and they wouldn't say anything. I talked to my mother about this subject and here is what she had to say. "We thought about it long and hard when you were kids. I tried weed and did have one drink but I knew everyone at the parties I did go to. With working at a high school I see what kind of people are out their. I knew you and your brother would try alcohol and maybe drugs but your father and I both thought that if we made sure you knew what you were drinking you wouldn't end up at some guys house being raped. You both told us strait out that you have had a drink our two at a party with your friends and that you only took it from people you knew and trusted. But if you were to get drunk then what. So we came to this, buy you one mickey a month that is it. We trust that because we are buying this for you that you will not drink any more at parties. If you are going to a small party with close friends, ie new years then one glass of wine will also be added. We did not see anything wrong with trust because we knew what kind of kids you guys were." I also see nothing wrong with it. A mickey is small! I never would drink any more then a mickey a month when I was 16 and 17, most months nothing. At a 10% alcohol in sour puss a 1/4 of a bottle did not get me drunk. I swam from the time I was 8 till 17 and think that this had something to do with me never getting drunk, smoking and drugs. I knew what would happen with my swimming, NO MORE. I also had swim meets twice a month on weekends so I never had time to drink. Come on moms trust that your kids will make right choices. If they don't they have learned the hard way. Life will throw many things at you that well are worse then alcohol, in my experiences, so teaching them how to handle them is better them then not learning how. You all know that in some way shape or form you tried something that your parents did not agree with. Doesn't mean your kids will be like that, but they may. Take what you learned from yours and help teach them! But don't shut that door of possibly trying new things. Kids are getting younger and younger when it comes to sex, drugs and booze. But I blame these singers, actor, actress. Dressing like Sl*** and doing Sh** like drinking and driving. But that is a whole new subject.

Jessica - posted on 04/18/2010

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Someone said in an earlier post (sorry I can't go back and find it right now) that your children will live up to the expectations you set. After thinking about that for a while I think that is a very important point. I think if you are more lenient about things like this while they are growing up it will ultimately affect the decisions they make and their standards. My parents were pretty strict while I was a teen and I often hated it growing up. I felt like my rights were restricted and that they were being ridiculous with their rules on where and with whom I could hang out, how late I was allowed out, etc. I always felt left out because I felt like most of my friends had way more freedom than I did, and they were always running around and going to parties, had no curfew etc. But looking back I don't think its that my parents were being unneccesarily strict- I think theirs just didn't have very high standards for them. And while I snuck around when I could (often got caught), experimented with sex, alcohol and drugs to an extent, I really think its because of the high standards that my parents had that I never went too far down that road to the point of it being out of control. They kind of became ingrained in me and it helped me ultimately make good choices.

Kristine - posted on 04/17/2010

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when my parents found out that I smoked they would not allow me to smoke anywhere near our home. They were realistic and explained the effects of smoking to me but ultimately they knew if I was going to do it I would with or without their approval. I wish I would have listened to them and never started. My dad told me it was against the law so until I was 18 he would not buy them or allow me to smoke around them. His point was that he would not condone me breaking the law. There are a reason there are rules and they need to be followed.
My kids will not be allowed to have sex in my home as kids, drink in my home until they are 21 or smoke near me until they are 18. However I know that my kids may try all of these things. Just because I do not allow it in my home does not mean that I will close my eyes to reality and communicate with them. I have always been honest with my 14 year old about all of these issues. He came to me about 2 months ago and told me him and his girlfriend had sex. I was blown away, scared, disgusted, and sad but I was proud that he came to me. I did not like his decision and wish he would have waited (14 is very young) but I made an appointment for him to get screened and learn how to properly use condoms. He knows the physical risks, I have explained them in worst case scenario possibilities but I have also explained in great length the emotional repercussions for both him and his girlfriend. I sat down with him and his girlfriend and expressed the need for her to go to her parents as well. She was not comfortable telling her mom which made me sad that they are not able to communicate or that she does not feel that she can talk to her mom about it. I have always told my kids that they can trust me if they have a secret that they need to share and I did not want to break that trust. On the other hand I would not be ok with somebody else taking my child in for birth control without my consent. I gave her some options ie talking to a aunt, grandparent, school nurse etc and she ultimately decided to go to the health department and get on birth control. I am still disappointed that she does not feel she can go to her mother, but I am proud that my son came to me. He did have the expectation though that once he came clean about what he was doing that he could just have sex and it was very difficult for him to understand that I did not condone his behavior but that I wanted to make sure he was safe. He was angry that his time with her is now watched much more closely and they do not get to spend nearly as much time together. He will get over it. He is mad at me now because he thought being honest would be a free pass to doing whatever he wanted, but my job is to be his parent not his friend. 2 weeks ago he called me and asked me to pick him up from the skating rink because his friends were leaving to go smoke pot and drink until the session was over. He is still being honest even though he did not get his way.

Mary - posted on 04/17/2010

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There is no way in Hell that I would ever allow my child to smoke, drink, do drugs, or have sex under my roof. If my child wants to do these things then she will have to get a place of her own and learn to pay the bills herself etc. and see what it's like to have to take care of a house etc. on her own but I'll be damned if I'll let her do it in my house. My sister was a druggie and we kicked her out of the house. She slept in the park and wherever but was not permitted to come into the home. Also, neither my husband or myself smoke (I used to but I quit when my daughter was about 2) or drink (esp. since I'm an alcoholic in recovery) I don't permit any type of alcohol to be in the house at all or permit anyone who visits my house to bring it in or to smoke in my house. If they want to smoke they will be asked to go outside and do so. As for sex, we plan to teach my daughter that she is to obstain until she is married to a man. We believe this is God's plan. As for the kids doing it anyway, sure they will when the schools are giving them free condoms and telling them how to use them and taking the kids against the parents wishes or knowledge to have abortions and telling them that abstinance is a thing of the past etc. The more we do away with God in things the worse the country is going to get. If my daughter wants to have sex in my home then she had better be visiting with her husband before they have sex together.

Kelina - posted on 04/17/2010

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THis is an interesting one so I have to put my two cents worth in. For me it's not something that would ever be allowed in my home. I recently lost my mom to lung cancer from smoking and i have three family members who are all alchoholics. AS for sex, well ya kids are going to experiment with it, but I think there are other ways to keep them safe. WE can educate them, teach them our beliefs and then pray they don't do something overly stupid, and support them whatever decision they make. But jkust becasue something is going on in our own home doesn't make it safe. That's my feelings.

[deleted account]

as for the smoking, well, my parents both smoked, so they really couldnt tell me not to smoke, just that they wished i wouldnt - i never smoked in front of my dad, but i did with my mom.... then my mom passed away and all bets were off.. that was a sad day for us both. i was also a wild child and partied in their house while they were away.

now im 31 - =) i have 2 kids of my own and i dont smoke - (because i dont want them to be able to use the same rationale i did) and i dont really drink ... but when the time comes i will talk to my kids, and we will be honest with them and hopefully they will be honest with us too.

Kim - posted on 04/17/2010

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Here is my thought on kids today,you have to have disapline and rules.Todays parents try to be there kids friend,wrong thing to do,thats why we have rules and they have to be followed.All kids will experment at some time of their life,there are exceptions,but most do,what we have to do as parents is teach our kids to be smart about it.As a parent you tell them the facts on smoking,drinking and having sex before they are ready.Parents are to scared to talk to their kids about any thing now a days.Life is simple we as adults make it hard.If you as a adult did any of these things when you where a kid,tell your kids,and tell them what happened to you and how you felt about all of it,kids what to hear these things and respect their parents more if the parents are HONEST.I did all of these things as a teenager and now in my 40s realize how silly every thing was that I did.Again life can be so easy if we know the consequenses of what we are doing,and stand up and be responsible for what we have done.

Sara - posted on 04/16/2010

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When my son (& future kids) gets older Im going to talk to them about the consequences of doing each of these things, and hope they make the right choices, but I wont be so naive as to think that they wont try at least some of them before their old enough. Im hoping that by the time theire old enough for peer pressure that smoking is a thing of the past. I hate cigarette smoke! If As far as the drinking, My parents dont drink (or smoke) and would never had allowed me to drink, but my friends parents let us drink at their house, but the rule was if you have even 1 sip of a drink they got your car keys until the next day. That way they knew we wouldnt be driving & they stayed sober & "babysat" us incase some sort of accident did occur. There will be no sleeping over allowed between my children & their boy/girlfriends, therefore no sex in my home. Once they are old enough to live away from home & if they have a boy/girl friend that lives with them I will prob allow them to share a room, but they have to be in a serious relationship. My parents did not allow sleep overs, but I did date some of my brothers friends & they were allowed to stay over, but in my brothers room only. I didnt have sex until I was 18 and I was on birth control & we used condoms everytime too! So hopefully my kids will also do that. HOPEFULLY!

Kristin - posted on 04/16/2010

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We will do our best to educate them on booze and smoking, but oh the priviledges that will be revoked if mine get caught drinking or smoking. As for sex, we will definitely be educating them on how to be safe and telling them that the smartest option is to just not have it. That being said, if they choose to partake, then they will have to sneak around just like I did and my parent's did. They will have the $$ to have condoms.

Jade - posted on 04/16/2010

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i would try my hardest to stop my son from smoking and drinking and doing such silly things at that age but then i would be a hipercrit i will try and stop it but if it doesnt work i would rather he do it at home were i know he is safe,then go out on the streets doing where i have no control.i wouldnt want my son making the same mistakes me and his father did but if he were to get his girlfriends knocked up at a young age i would support him and her as i would of iked the same done for me. drinkning i hate but smoking i can deal with you might get hooked to smoking and have bad health but drinking you get silly and do really stupid things and it is just as bad for your health if not worse

[deleted account]

Well i divorced my 1st husband when i was 28 and moved back in w/ my mom to help her as she had surgeries on her feet and needed extensive assistance for about 6 months. I never even thought of doing such things under my mothers roof even at that age. However when our living arrangement became a more permanent thing and we decided to live as roommates to help make ends meet for both of us then it was a totally different situation. I wound up finding my husband who was living on his own at the time and stayed with him if we were to be intimate. He lost his job and his place to live after christmas one year and moved in with us. Sex was a part of our lives and since I was paying rent and bills, I figured I could do what I wanted. The arrangement made all of us uncomfortable however and soon after, we wound up finding a place for mom to live on her own that she could afford. It is not the best of situations for any child and parent to live under the same roof as adults because those kinds of things are not something that any parent wants to think of their child doing. As for drinking and smoking. I never smoked in my life. I think it's a disgusting habit and would never ever do it period and won't allow others to smoke in my home around me. So allowing my child to do it around me would be a definite no, and drinking...well it was never taboo in our house. My mom said if you want to drink let me know and i'll get some. I don't want u going out and getting wasted and doing something dumb. I did just that. I drank a few times when I was underage, and never to excess. I think if it's not a taboo subject that's made to be bad or wrong then kids won't think so much of it. Even when I became of legal drinking age, I didn't go out and party or get drunk. I have never been drunk in my life actually. I just never found it necessary. America is the only country that doesn't allow drinking until 21 and we are the country with the biggest problem with alcoholism & under age drinking..Kinda makes you wonder doesn't it?

[deleted account]

I believe that if they are not old enough to drink alcohol or smoke that they shouldn't be allowed to do any of the 3 you named. I find it as being disrespectful to the parents.

Gina - posted on 04/16/2010

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In Kansas the under age for statutory sex is younger then 16 or 17 i think for both male and female. My parents always told me that none of the actions in this topic would be allowed in there house,and I trusted that they would kick my rear if I ever tryed.i snuck my first smoke when I was about 14. It made me so sick that I didn't try it again till I was 18 and could buy them myself. Got drunk @ a friend's house when I was 17 (my friend was already out on her own,married ,and pregnant.)and didn't have sex until I was 18 (thinking any age sooner would land my 21 yr old bf in jail.)I often say that I was a late bloomer because all my friends were active in all those thing way younger then me.

i'm honestly not sure if I would allow my 2 girls to drink ,smoke ,or have sex in my home.I'm not to that bridge yet they are only 5 and 5mo.

And to Kelly Hazel: i beleive that it's illegal even to give your own teens alcohol.my neighbor got arrested and had to go to court for allowing her teen to drink in her own home.Noone elses kids were involved.

Karen - posted on 04/16/2010

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None of those were ever allowed when I was a teen and they will not ever be allowed when my kids reach that age. I was always shocked to see that my cousins parents let their kids drink and have boyfriends stay over cause they were gonna do it anyways right, and it was better to just buy them the beer. Well a certain set of cousins, one was pregnant very young and the other went to jail for a long time, neither are doing good now. My nieces were allowed to do stuff once they had already done it (drank, had a baby) while living at home and guess what, the one with the baby had another one and her little sister got pregnant even younger than her. Allowing smoking in the home is just enabling a future addict, I see that way too often.
If they really wanna do something they will find a way, just not under my roof. I found ways but was scared shitless to do anything in my house.

Alyssa - posted on 04/16/2010

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I feel like if I know he is at home drinking then I know where he is and I know he isnt going to leave and drive somewhere. I dont really think it matters where they have sex bc they are going to do it anyways. I would prefer him not to smoke but if thats what he chooses to do then I guess we will cross that bridge when it comes. My son is 10 months old now.

Rachel - posted on 04/16/2010

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I seriously cannot see anyone ok with any of it in their home.. Well exceptfor those that are on Jerry Springer of course. I had my 17 yr old sister move into our home. At the time we only had 2 children and of course her. She already was a smoker before she moved in. The rules in our home is you are not allowed to drink do drugs or bring guys back to our home. If you go out and come back under the influence, I am sending you back to moms. This lasted 3 months and then I caught her on the web cam nude in the middle of the night drunk.. We ended up calling the police dept and that very next day my husband dropped her off at the airport.
I refuse to have any form of this near or around my children...I dont care how old you are. Family values and morals start in the home..

Brandy - posted on 04/16/2010

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i had my first drink on my 18th birthday that was under mom's roof. i think that once they are 18 they can do what they want. until then parents just need to take more responsibility and not be blind. your kids might do it anyways but there should be prevention and punishments as well. I think parents can sometimes be niave and they need to open there eyes and realize that any teen is capable of these behaviors and not say my jane would never do that because givin the right conditions and pressures she would. i think that allowing it in the home is a slippery slope to more inappropriate behavior. so no i won't allow it with my children and if i find out they did any of these things there will be consequences.

Maggie - posted on 04/16/2010

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When I was living at home I was allowed to have a small amount of wine at dinner for special occasions once I was in high school. Also, I started smoking when I was 14. My parents found out when I was 15 that I was smoking. In their opinion they couldn't tell me not to smoke because they did it themselves. They felt that they couldn't do the old "Do as I say, not as I do" thing. I didn't start smoking in the house until I was 16 (which, if I remember correctly was the legal age to smoke when I was younger - I live in Ontario). My friends were not allowed to drink at my house but they were allowed to smoke if their parents new that they smoked. I didn't drink out of the house. If there was alcohol at a party I left and went home so my parents were not afraid of me drinking outside of the house. As for sex, I was terrified of getting pregnant, and caught (how embarrasing would that be!).



That being said, I have quit smoking and I will not allow it. With everything that we know about smoking now I could not condone it. I will allow my kids to have a small amount of wine for special holiday meals once they are in highschool, just as my parents did. And, as for sex, I will hope that it is not going on in my house. But I will trust my children to make the right decisions about things of this nature because I will trust that I have taught them what decisions to make.

Sarah - posted on 04/15/2010

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My son is only 7 months, so we've got a LOOONG time before I have to deal with these sorts of issues. But, it's definitely not too early to decide how I will handle it in the future! I will not allow my son (or any future children) to smoke, drink, or have sex under my roof. And I plan on having honest discussions about all these issues so he knows what he is potentially getting himself into if he DOES choose to do these things either inside OR outside our home. My husbands parents were SOOO controlling, so we were constantly sneaking around to try and see each other when we could. I have to admit that we did things behind our parents backs from time to time. (We were 17 & 18, but still living with our parents.) I don't want to drive my son away or make him think that he can't come and talk to my husband or me. But, he needs to know what will NOT be tolerated...and these issues will NOT be!

Rachelle - posted on 04/15/2010

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i've heard this and i disagree. telling your kids its ok anywhere is a lie. it's not ok to do those things no matter where they are and approving them is a big no-no. your kids will almost ALWAYS live up to the standards you set. so if you say it's ok then it is and if you don't then it's not. plain as that.

Jessica - posted on 04/15/2010

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My parents were pretty strict when I was a teen, but lightened up once I graduated high school. Later teen years I was allowed to have a small amount of wine (like, half a glass) with dinner on special occasions. Of course I wasn't allowed to have sex in the house (but I hate to say it... not that it stopped me). Once I went to college though they let me have a beer or wine when I was home- they knew at that point I was responsible and wouldn't drink and try to go anywhere, and they knew I drank at college. My mom and dad were very different though (and divorced so it depended where I was). Mom came from a more liberal background and was generlly more lenient than my dad. I picked up smoking at age 18 and though my dad strongly frowned apon it he didn't outright stop me from smoking when I was home. I was respectful and didn't do it around him, didn't leave butts laying around etc. When my mom found out I had started smoking- she asked me for one LOL!

I figure I'll probably do things similarly with my children. I can't imagine *allowing* my teen to drink or have sex... well, at all, but especially in my house. However I'm not so naive as to think my kids won't necessarily do those things either. I know I did lots and lots of stuff my parents never knew about!

Amanda - posted on 04/15/2010

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seriously the only way you will ever stop your child from being around underage drinking, smoking and drugs is to keep them locked in their room. Home schooling them, not letting them be in a sport, cause I was exposed to underage drinking in grade 8. I had a friends arrested in grade 10 for drugs and alcohol in their locker at school. If they are exposed to it chances are they may try it. Again I talk about my now 19 year old cousin who got high and drunk when she was 15 and her parents didn't believe it cause she wasn't allowed to do it at home. She dropped school, is only now finding a job, and is finally sober but still addicted to drugs. If you think that your kids wont even consider having a drink or a drag then you need to walk to halls of their school, and go with them to parties. I knew which locker to go to for alcohol and drugs at school. I had one friend wanted by police at the age of 17. His parents were in disbelief too. You can't think that your child is the little angel you think they are. Having an open and honest relationship with them is the only way you will know what is going on. When they tell you they have a had a drink you can't scream either, cause they are telling you. Yelling and scream will only make them do it again cause now they know what button to push. The legal age where I live is 18, but when I went to clubs there were so many underage girls that we would leave. Things have changed since you were growing up. Teachers get high, and if you talk to your adult friends I can almost guarantee that one of them still smokes pot. Look around you and see that there are more drug dealers and sick people out there who will use buying drugs and alcohol and way to get near your kids. Don't give them tools to rebel with getting drunk, give them the tools to get home safe, and tell you what they did. May seem like I don't care but trust me I do. I would rather get up at 3 in the morning to pick my son up then get up at 3 in the morning with the cops knocking on my door telling me is he dead. Think about it.

Cristin - posted on 04/15/2010

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I live in the U.S as well and it is illegal to provide alcohol to a minor. 21 is the age and that's that. I don't allow anyone to smoke in my house so I consider this a non- issue. The drinking and the sex won't be happening. I too have seen parents that allow these things to happen and I think it's only because it is easier to give the kid their way rather than battle the behavior. I'm a firm believer that if you won't let your child do it outside of the house...then they shouldn't be allowed to do it inside the house.

Joan - posted on 04/15/2010

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hi

in my house if it is not legal by law it is not allowed.,otherwise you are sending your kids mixed messages.

Kim - posted on 04/14/2010

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This is a very tough subject, My opinion was it would never be allowed in my house, then one day i found out that a girl my son "had" (but not anymore) been seeing was pregnant (6 months along) she didnt even know it until then. this is a long story that i won't get into but once the girls grandparents found out they kicked her out onto the streets. I was asked if she could stay with us for a couple of days until another place could be found, my husband and I agreed to let her stay for a little while which lasted 6 years. My son and her got back together to try and make things work out for the baby, she stayed in the living room for a few months then gradually she moved into my sons room. But they were never allowed to smoke or drink on our property and they were very respectful in that manner. Now with our 10 year old daughter there is no way she is having sex, smoking or drinking in our house. I just hope she doesn't come home pregnant, but if she did--- we would never kick her to the curb like the girls grandparents did.

[deleted account]

Well, I think it would be hypocritical of me to teach my son that drinking is "bad" and that he should never do it because I drink myself. I set an example for him to drink responsibly. I'm certainly not going to offer a drink to him, but I want to be with him when he learns how alcohol affects his body. Every body is different and one of the big reasons so many teens and young adults get so wasted is that they do not know how the alcohol affects them. They get a buzz and think more drink will make it a better buzz so they drink more and more until they are so drunk they think they can drive.
I am not sure if this is making sense, but it took me a couple years to figure out and predict how I would feel and act after drinking different amounts of alcohol and I think it is important to know how to do that before drinking in any situation where you have to decide how to get home.

Myra - posted on 04/14/2010

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I know that one day my daughters are going to have sex. I know they will probably try alcohol and most likely will try a cigarette. As their mom - not their friend - I will not allow them to do those things in our home. My husband and I don't drink; I personally can't stand people when they are drinking. However we both do smoke--outside, away from the kids. In my opinion, I don't want to know my children's bad habits, and I don't want to know when they are having sex. I do want to know if they are sexually active while still under my care so that I can take them to the doctor and have more in-depth discussions about the subject; like what they think and feel. Something about that ideology of your kids doing certain things in your home so you know they are safe seems almost like sick behavior on the part of the parents.

Dawn - posted on 04/14/2010

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my girls are no where near teenagers yet ,but i would never allow underage drinking or sex in my home and when they are old enough to understand i will tell them all about sex, drugs and alcohol . if you talk to your kids about these things and the consequences of drugs, drinking and underage sex, you will be helping them make informed decisions,but no parent can follow their kids around all day to make sure none of these things are going on.they will always find a way around you so the best thing you can do is talk to them about these things.

Cindy - posted on 04/14/2010

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I'm guessing you know of somebody that is doing this which is the reason for you wanting other peoples opinions on it.



My opinion is no it's not ok. Straight up just not ok. Not if's, and's, or but's about it. Not ok.



I'm sure alot of Mom's think That there kids will end up trying it or doing it anyway so why not? Thats probably not the way you should see it. Because not every kid is going to try smoking or do it, and same goes for alcohol and drugs.



I never touched cigarettes, I never touched drugs, I never drank a drop of alcohol untill I was 21 years old. No thats not because my Mother or anyone else taught me, I did that because I decided to it was my descision to never smoke or even try it, it was my descision to never try drugs, it was my descision to not drink untill I was 21 without my Mom having to say anything to me.



If a parent says go ahead smoke here at home and drink here at home, I want to know you're safe while you're doing it. That confuses the child a little bit because they've been told that its bad and shouldn't do it but yet my parents say they want them to do it at home if they want to do it.



My husbands father did that with him and him and his brothers and now my husband says thats what he'll do with our son Logan when he becomes a teenager. And I said to my husband OH HELL NO YOU'RE NOT!



The thing is that you shouldn't say anything to them about If they end up smoking or drinking that you want them to do it at home because then that plants the idea in their head and makes them more curious to try it. Dont say anything just let them make the descision on their own because NOT EVERY CHILD WILL END UP DECIDING TO SMOKE OR DO DRUGS OR DRINK.

Amanda - posted on 04/14/2010

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I agree with Brennis. They want to do they will. But if you tell them you will pick them up no questions asked at least they come home safe and sound. I was 16 when my dad gave me a mickey of sour puss. For one you can't drink a whole mickey of sour puss. It would take me at least two parties to finish it. Mickey is the smallest bottle you can buy. I am from Canada it is like the size of my hand. You can tell them all you want they are not of legal age but they don't care. I have seen it many times. The kids who told their parents they were going to have one or two drinks usually had one or none. They ones whos parents wouldn't allow them to drink would get wasted and then spend the night. Think of it would you rather have an open honest relationship where they can come to you with everything. Or would you rather them sneak a drink not know what it is or having something in it. I knew what was in mine cause it had a twist off top and I would close it and keep it will me. But if they bum it off of someone they put it in a cup, could put something in it, or share it out of the bottle and who knows what they could get. Telling your kids you don't want to get drunk it good, but telling if they do tell me I wont get mad but there could be consequences is all you can do. Education about everything is how you keep them safe. Keeping them from it will only hurt when they are off to university and spring break when kids have sex and go missing and die on the beach cause their friends are too drunk to see they passed out! I never drink either. My parents trusted me not to get drunk so I never felt the need to get wasted because it wouldn't be away to make them mad. Still never get drunk haven't touched it since 2006!

Brennis - posted on 04/14/2010

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I also agree, If you let them do this and they want to rebel, what they rebel with may be way worse.

However, I also want to give my child a choice. Obviously no smoking or drinking until you are of LEGAL age. I hope to talk to my child, who is 15 months, and convince her to wait on sex. However, these are things that if they really want to, they will go somewhere where they can.

Samantha - posted on 04/14/2010

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I am from a family that believes in strictly no sex before marriage, i was with my now husband from the age of 13 (true childhood sweethearts) and we waited til our wedding day because i respected my parents wishes we also lived over 100 miles away from each other for the last year of our courtship and even though we had a guest bedroom he had to sleep downstairs on the sofa when he stayed at weekends in case he got any 'ideas'. I now have 3 children and totally agree with my parents but as we know we were all young once and if there going to do something there gonna do it but not under my roof. As for smoking and drug taking again a deffinate no no my mother in-law used to let her 13 year old smoke and give her cigerettes which i think is disgraceful but i gotta say the drinking isn't really an issue i think if you don't make it a big thing they won't do it i was always allowed a glass of wine (never spirits) with a meal from 16 and now i NEVER drink.
i am from england and the legal age for drinking is 18 just in case you thought 16 was a bit young.

[deleted account]

I'm not sure that it's legal any more in all states to give your teen alcohol, check the social host liability laws in your state. Some of them cover parents providing alcohol to their teens and their teen's friends.

In answer to the question, no, no, and no. If it's illegal it won't be happening in my home and having sex under age in your parents house is disrespectful IMHO. I know abstinence isn't always the cool thing to do, but I'm really trying to raise my kids to respect themselves enough to wait (which, I didn't do and I do regret now) and I would hope that if they choose to, they would have enough respect for me not to do it under my nose. I don't know if that came out the way I intended it to, I hope so. It's hard to get the tone just right when typing.

I just found these stats about drinking and being more responsible in countries where they are allowed to do it when they are young -

http://www.dontletminorsdrink.com/report...

Underage Drinking in U.S. and Other Countries
There’s a continuing argument that the lower drinking ages in many European countries lead to more responsible drinking habits among their young people. However, recent evidence has proven this claim to be false. See below for more data.
Youth Drinking Rates and Problems: A Comparison of European Countries and the United States

This research addresses whether or not European youths drink more responsibly than their American counterparts. The data shows that, with the exception of Turkey, the United States had lower reported instances of alcohol abuse than any other European nation.

[deleted account]

Hi Amy, it was me that said it is legal to give your child alcohol in your own home-- In my state you must be the legal guardian of the child and you must be in your home for it to be legal. I don't remember if this is a federal or state law (I'm in the US).

In answer to the question about what we would all do if we caught our teens in any of the above acts, it would depend on the act for me.

If I caught him smoking (anywhere) I would take him to the doctor for the safest way to get him to stop, and I would enroll him in the anti-smoking seminar at our hospital and make him attend (even if that means going with him).

If I catch him having sex, unfortunately, the leash will be shortened so to speak. I know that too little trust will cause rebellion, but if he breaks the trust I give him, then he will have to earn it back. I will teach him about safe sex and condoms, but I will also teach him that birth control fails often and that he is not ready for sex until he can be financially and emotionally prepared for a kid.

As for drinking, like I said, I would allow that--as long as he does not drive. I hope that by the time he decides to drink someplace other than home, he will already know the effects of alcohol on his body and to call me for a ride home. If I ever catch him DRIVING while drunk, I will take his car away for good (another great reason I want to be the one who buys his car).

Amy - posted on 04/14/2010

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my family was actually the most strict out of all my friends parents. but i did give them a reason to trust me so the strictness was not a problem and it was pretty easy for me.my parents smoke and my brother started moking when he was 15 so that rule was not important to them. they are not alcoholics and would not incourage drinking but there were a few hollidays that i could have a few drinks. not like hard drinks. i was only allowed to have Boones Farm which shouldnt even be classified as alcohol lol. and when i was 17 i was dating a guy who told me he was turning 19 but he was turning 21. my parents freaked when they found out and so did i. but he did say the nightat my parents house in my bedroom. the first time he did my dad got up at 4 in the morning to leave for work and at about 5 he walked outside to see my boyfriends big green dodge blocking him in and omg he was pissed! he cam bareling up the stairs and kicked my door in to find me on my guest bed in my room on the ther side of the room of my bed. both of us were fully clothed and in seperate beds. he was stll pissed but kindly told him to get the hell out of his daughters bed and move his truck. after this if i wanted him to stay the night i had to take the door off of my room lol so for about 4 moths i only stayed at my parents house for an hour before school and sometimes 1 or 2 nights a week. i drove almost an hour to go to school every day so that i could stay in a different town with my boyfrend. and i dont think the thing a previous poster said about it being legal to give your child alcohol is correct. because wouldnt that be considered like supplying alcohol to a minor? which is against the law. and if there was a cop that came while you let your child drink they could charge the child with a MIP which is minor in possesion? correct?

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