Alone

Keri - posted on 05/13/2011

You are not alone. Your story is so similar to mine. It can be so hard. I too feel like there is no answer & that I have to just hang in there till toots goes to to pre school & hopefully I'll make some friends. I have to be honest, church doesn't work for me as I am a strong believer that politics & religion should NOT be discussed among friends it is a very personal thing to me. Just how I feel & not offence is meant to those that do.

Heather - posted on 05/13/2011

You're not being selfish at all! I am a single SAHM and I own my own business and it's rough sometimes. My family is a great support and they take my daughter every few weeks so that I can have some "me" time. I truly feel that it makes me a better mom and that not only do I need a break from my 15 month old daughter, but I truly think she needs a break from me too. I would tell your hubby that you need some "me" time and schedule a day every so often and just go...go to the mall and walk around, go see a movie, make new friends on here or thru facebook....just do it! Good luck to you!

Anne - posted on 05/13/2011

I totally understand how you feel. My husband didnt get it at first either but now he is amazing. Being preggers with out second he looks after our lil one so I can get some me time. Youre not being selfish. its hard sometimes and bubs can be so demanding.it can take a toll emotional and mentally :) What area do you live in?(Im in Oxley) Im always looking for new mummy friends. :)

Jeanette - posted on 05/12/2011

hunni you are not selfish you are a mum. of course you need time to your all us mums do. how about finding a mummy and baby class first off all that way you will meet other mums in the same position as you. then when you get to know them you can may be go for lunch etc. (i know the point is wanting time for your self i'am getting to that lol.) then when you all know each other better you can maybe start a sitting service ie if i watch your kids this week you do mine next time. that way not only are you getting to meet and make new friends , but then you have a sitter if you and your hubbie want time together. also it means you have some friends to go out with if you want a girls nite out.
i always try to go out with my friends once a month just to let my hair down, it does both me and hubby good as i'm getting time away from the kids and he gets to spend that time with them. also as i can relax for a bit i'm not as much of a nag. win win all round. xx

Stacey - posted on 05/12/2011

Sounds like you need a mom group.

We make friends by connecting to people on a similar level. It sounds to me like you need mom friends. Have you checked local MOPS or meet-ups? Library reading times? I moved 3k miles away from everyone I knew and got pregnant. I was alone and lonely. It took a while to make friends, but it truly helps to have someone who is in the middle of the same life events as you.

Melanii - posted on 05/12/2011

Not selfish, realistic! If you don't take even a little time for yourself, you have nothing left to give anyone else.

I recommend joining a class like yoga or something you are interested in. Even one hour a week will do wonders for you, and it's a great way to meet like-minded people.
Let your husband know how you feel, he's probably just never stopped to think that you might need a little break every now and then!
Good luck.

Mechelle - posted on 05/12/2011

Thank you all for the great ideas and support! I have been looking for Mom groups in the area and told my fiance that I am going to join a gym that has 24 hour access so that even if he gets home late, I can still get out and do something. As far as the MOM groups, I am waiting for a response about different meeting dates.

Tracie - posted on 05/12/2011

All of the replies have great ideas but try this :

It seems that you're inability to make new friends is partly due to a lack of transportation, save some money here and there for an economical car.

Walk to the park or join the pto/pta at your nearby elementary school. you will meet like minded parents and since your children will eventually attend you get to help with decisions in their school. Childcare is usually available at no cost .

Investigate day trips in your area. Some provide transp and you have a great time

Most importantly keep a smile on your face when you are out and about and just say hello!

H avesome fun

Brie - posted on 05/11/2011

i know how you feel lol.. i don't ever do anything until the hubby gets home (mainly because i didn't have a vehicle until recently) and its always with hubby and baby... when my best friend comes we hang out here or if we go somewhere we take the baby or hubby comes and baby is at my moms... she recently informed me that the next time she gets overtime and has some extra cash she is going to inform hubby that he is watching baby and she is taking me out to get a day of child and hubby free pampering but who knows when that will be lol.. it will be the first time since before baby was born that i will be going anywhere without one of them!

Alicia - posted on 05/11/2011

I understand what you are going through!!I am a 25 year old anf have 3 boys, they are a total handful, but would not trade it for the world!!! Like the saying goes an unhappy mother makes an unhappy household, or something like that!! :) You need to talk to you husband and let him know that it is important that you take a well needed and deserved break. Even if it is for just an hour, that time lets you unwind and clear your head!! Good luck!!!

Tracy - posted on 05/11/2011

NO HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND. BUT PLEASE TRY AND FIND PLAY GROUPS IN YOUR AREA YOU NEED TO GET OUT YOU ARE MORE THAN JUST A MOM BE HONEST WITH HIM AND YOURSELF AND FIND AWAY TO GET TIME FOR YOURSELF..

Ashley - posted on 05/11/2011

I have been feeling the same way lately! I talked with a friend of mine about it and he said that it's not really up to my husband whether or not I get to go out. A marriage is a partnership, and you have to have boundaries! I told my husband that I was signing up for a yoga class, because I needed to keep my sanity. I didn't ask him if it was ok (like I usually do) but I did tell him that I *needed* his support in doing this in order to feel stable and happy. He was a little taken aback but he recognized that it was something I really needed. It's like they tell you on an airplane, when the oxygen masks descend, put yours on first, that way you are able to help your kids with theirs. You are useless to your family if you feel like you are losing yourself!

Kelly - posted on 05/11/2011

No.. Your not. Your first priority is you. Yes..your children need you.. But if your mental health is in jeopardy and you let this go on you and your children will suffer. Regardless of your fiancee.. take care of you first! Without a 'whole' you..there is no 'whole' mama.

Lisa - posted on 05/11/2011

When my kids were small, a friend and I started a moms and kids group at our church. That's how I got connected with other moms. Once they started school, I made friends with their friends' moms. Playgroups are also good but sometimes its hard to start up conversations with strangers...although, most moms LOVE to talk about their kids...they are a good ice breaker...then u can kind of figure out if the mom wants to talk too. Chances are, if u are feeling lonely and isolated, other women are too.
Another thing I did was invite other moms over from 9:30-11:30am on the 1st Wednesday of the month for coffee. I started this when my kids were in school but I encouraged the moms to come even if they still had little ones at home. My husband did not feel our home was up to par to have people over (he wanted to do some remodelling) but I decided that women needed to feel free to invite people in to our imperfect homes....and I needed the companionship and encouragement of other moms. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed with life in those days so I made it simple...a pot of coffee....the kettle for tea and if and I mean if I was able, I would pick something up for a snack ...like muffins or something...and if moms brought their kids, they needed to bring a snack for them....and u know what happened....usually somebody showed up with something to eat for us...often homemade or maybe "Timmy's" and we just talked and enjoyed eachother's company. Sometimes we would talk about some issue someone was facing....sometimes it was frivolous stuff that women talk about...no gossip...absolutely not....and usually we talked about the developmental challenges we faced raising our kids and living with our husbands...nothing gossipy though...always respectful....and always confidential.
Eventually, we had a core group of women who wanted to get together so I would call them and eventually we kind of did an informal phone tree to remind eachother of our next get together and the location because everyone started to offer to hold it at their house...so we took turns....we did this from Sept 2005 until last May when I moved away...BUT I am moving back and I intend to start up again next September when the kids go back to school.
I hope you find something that works for you!!!!

Cassandra - posted on 05/11/2011

my husband is kinda the same way, its annoying. because he doesn't even realize that he goes out a lot. and what makes it worse is that he works all week so we only see eachother on the weekends but that is a new job and he only went out once since that job started. and him and i and are two good friends had a little party so we are doing good soo far now. i finally go it through his head that i need time too. he gets his time away cause he is gone all week, and im stuck wit the kids all week. i love being wit my kids though and when i do get my time away im ALWAYS thinking of them. and one time the kids went to their nana's and we had a quite day and we didnt know what to do with ourselfs.

Steff - posted on 05/11/2011

Hey Mechelle, you are not being selfish at all...you are working hard at a job where the hours and financial pay are lousy, the bosses (ie the kids) are demanding.....everyone needs a break from that, for their own sanity. I know my husband never really appreciated how hard it can be until he's had to look after our two (aged 5 & 3), he now realises it's not all cuddles and watching Dora the Explorer, and says he could never do it full time, lol!!

Trying to find a local moms group is a great idea, try your local churches, as someone else suggested, and maybe try googling for local parenting groups etc. That will at least get you connecting with other mums in the area, and if maybe a group of you get together for a moms night, your fiance will be happier if you are not alone. Even an hour or two at a local coffee shop / library can be relaxing...last year I joined a book club at my library, which means I get to go out at least once a month.

Laural - posted on 05/09/2011

Your guy needs a dose of reality. Tell him you'll be going out and it is his turn to watch the kids. Then let him do it and see how hard it is. Of course he does not understand why you need some down time. Women make taking care of the kids look too easy, so the guy assumes it is.Once he has had a day with them, he can better understand your need to get some tine to yourself. If he can't do that for you, he isn't worth marrying.

Sherry - posted on 05/09/2011

I would say join a moms group where your kids can play with other kids and you can meet other moms and make some friends. It would be a nice way to make some friends and you wouldn't have to have a sitter to start out with. Then, you should talk to your fiance and tell calmly that you understand he works hard and needs some time to relax and get out sometimes, but that you also work hard taking care of the kids and need a break once in a while too and would like to make some friends of your own so you don't feel so isolated. It really sucks not having any friends nearby and being stuck home all the time with the kids. If you talk to him calmly ( and preferably when he is in a decent mood so he doesn't be a major GUY and shoot it down just to be a jerk) then there should be no reason why you two can't work out a plan.

Awhina - posted on 05/09/2011

in all the 15yrs that ive been a mum i have never ever ever had a break oh no i have when i was rushed into hospital and needed an operation so i know how you feel i crave adult company that i never get i have a small family so i never have babysitters and childcare is way too exspensive both my 2 best friends died of heart attacks and well thats it solo mum of 6 and noooo freedom at all

Stifler's - posted on 05/09/2011

no way. i would go insane if i never had 5 minutes to myself. i make him stay home some nights and go shopping late night or even groceries by myself. it's good and i can think straight. however most of my friends have kids, so we all ditch the kids and go out together or take them with us during the week while husbands are at work so we have something to do.

Mechelle - posted on 05/09/2011

We've been trying to go to church but it's hard because something always comes up...the kids are sick, he needs the car, etc. I thought about joining a gym or the local y, but he works all the time, and like tonight, he won't be home until 9 or later. so it makes it hard to join anything while he watches the kids. He just called and asked if I wanted to go out for drinks with HIS friend... it's nice that he finally made the offer but I want my OWN friends. I want him to take the kids and let me live a little and make friends.

Sorry, I don't mean to complain, but I've recently joined the site and in the few short days of being on here, it has helped so much being able to connect with other moms. :) Thank you all

Kristine - posted on 05/09/2011

Your fiance sounds like he cares a lot about you! Our silly over protective boys! They are so wonderful to us...most of the time ;) Do you attend any groups, like a church? Many churches have moms groups that meet during the day with free child care. You are not alone in this! You'd be surprised how many moms are in the same boat, and may live in your community.

Keli - posted on 05/09/2011

you definetly need some time to yourself. my fiance is simular,he works in alot of camp jobs so he is away alot,and when he is home he thinks he is on some holiday and doesnt have to help out as much.while i try to give him some slack and let him enjoy days at home it would be nice for him too relieve me more

Andrea - posted on 05/09/2011

Nope, I would be signing up for a class that interests you or joining a sporting club and making him stay with the kids once a week!! How rude for him to just take it for granted that you are fine with staying with the kids all the time.

Don't get me wrong there is probably always going to be some inequality, but SAHM's need a break too!

Mechelle - posted on 05/09/2011

I've already asked that but he doesn't want me going alone because he's afraid something bad will happen to me. It is nice that he is worried about me but it makes it hard to do anything. I can't even go grocery shopping by myself without him calling to see if I'm ok and if I'm driving home yet.

Kristine - posted on 05/09/2011

no, no, not selfish at all! It's that other "s" word...survival that you're talking about. A book I recently read made the point that mommy martyrdom only saps away from our families. That is, sacrificing ALL of ourselves to tend to our little kiddos and husbands doesnt' serve them as well as you would think. If we dont' take care of ourselves too how will we be able to keep up taking care of them well? Maybe you could ask your fiance if he could watch the kids for a night and take yourself out to a movie :)