Always angry at kids :(

Terrina - posted on 08/12/2016 ( 21 moms have responded )

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Hi,
I am a stay at home mom (partner is a non participating parent so all parenting falls on my shoulders) with two girls, 6 and 8. My 8 year old is giving me such issues that I spend most of my time around them angry. She is so so negative, ungrateful and complains about EVERYTHING. I'm ALWAYS angry. I hardly smile anymore. i can't stand being around her negativity. It's constant. It's draining. I'm mentally exhausted by it. I am so apprehensive to plan things for her because i know somewhere something is going to make her complain and I'm going to feel such resentment towards her for not appreciating (yet again), something that I went to the trouble to organize for her. I can't enjoy being a mother or having fun with them because I'm so tired. Tired of being the only responsible parent, tired of my 8 year old not listening, whining, ignores anything I say, never asking for permission for anything, she is selfish, only bothering with things that benefit her (not how I raised her!). Even in the off chance that we are having a 'normal' moment, I can't enjoy it because I know somethings going to happen soon and she's going to go back to being negative and complaining about everything.
My anxiety is through the roof. My six year old I feel is not being paid as much attention as she should be because by the time i'm done with her sister, I just have nothing left to give.
Yes, I've talked to her about it. I've tried consequences. i've tried taking things/playdates/sleepovers etc away from her, tried time outs on the stairs, time outs in her room, even had her write out what happened and what she thinks would be a better way to handle it next time, and keep it in a journal, even tried getting my very good friend to talk to her too.
Now I just scream like a banshee and growl through gritted teeth at her when she complains. Imagine: A complaint about every phase of the day (didn't like breakfast, is this cup clean?, won't sit at the table because there's an ant on it, that's not what i wanted for lunch. Even a 'do you want to go to the park?' is greeted with 'can samantha come too?' if she gets a no she launches into 'but why??!! This is the worst day ever!' Where do I find the energy to still want to take them to the park when she has shown she's so ungrateful even before we leave the house?
And so I just scream. But it's the way I scream ... that's what scares me. and the look of fear in her eyes, and her sisters too sometimes. I feel so ashamed after and say it's not going to happen again. But it does. I don't know how to deal with her calmly. I need some advice about how to stay calm when every inch of you just wants to scream and slam cupboard doors :(

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Sarah - posted on 08/15/2016

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I wanted to add something.
Not so much for you Terrina, but for other people who read this so they don't end up in your situation - it is a common situation.

Advice to young people.
- Dating is about finding someone who is a good match for you, a man who will be a good husband to you and father to your children.
Be wary of guys who are charming, often they have learned to manipulate women - they know what buttons to push to get you to fall for them. But often they are shallow and selfish (there are exceptions.)

Learn what to look for in a guy, learn how to identify the those who like Terrina's partner, and the many other guys you see in these forums are deadbeats/imature.

Stay out of their beds! As so as you jump into bed with a guy, the emotions cloud your objectivity! Be Chaste. Learn what the word chaste means.

Michelle - posted on 08/13/2016

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Kids are resilient and staying in the same home isn't doing them any good.
They will be a lot happier when you are! They aren't stupid and they pick up on the stress you are under.
You should never stay with someone for the sake of the children, you have told us that it's not a happy house as it is.
You need to stop making excuses and get out there and be the best for your children. Show them how strong you are and get a job and move out with them. Better still, kick him out and get those court orders.

Michelle - posted on 08/13/2016

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No worries. The thing about having them written down is that everyone can see them. It also makes it easier for you to point out what she has done wrong and what the punishment is.
Have punishments like no technology for 3 days or early to bed for 2 days. You need to find her currency to be able to make the punishment effective.

Michelle - posted on 08/13/2016

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Have you drawn up some house rules?
Write down the rules and the consequences for breaking them. Get everyone to sign them and put them up somewhere so everyone can see them.
Then you can calmly point to the wall and tell her the punishment. That way it's her choice if she wants to break the rules or not.

No No - posted on 08/13/2016

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You have a tough situation but it's good you are ready and willing to fight! (For a happy family).

1. Stop yelling. It doesn't do anyone any good.
2. Get away from the dead beat in the basement.
If he only wants to pay bills he can sleep in his mom's basement.
3. Try rewarding the kid and turn things positive when you get the desired behavior. ("Good job hunny let's see if Samantha can come over tomorrow) we know your getting no praise, and it's not easy but get these kids on the right path and your world will blossom.
4. Be around people. Invite friends over, go to others homes. The kids will see everyone has dirt, bugs, chores, vegetables to eat, it's a team effort. 5. Stick with your faith and support groups. And provide the same for your kids. Maybe Stephanie is her confidant.

My phone picked a fine time to freak out and delete a few lines.
One was
6. that our kids deserve an even playing field and a fair chance at happiness. We owe them that.
7. You can do this.we all can. We have to.

21 Comments

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Michelle - posted on 08/14/2016

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Erika, go and troll somewhere else before I remove you.
Michelle,
SAHM Admin.

Sarah - posted on 08/14/2016

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Given this thread is not about you or your problems, it would not be appropriate to answer.

However, do you think you could give Terrina some useful advice?

Terrina - posted on 08/13/2016

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Who are you and where did you come from! You hit the nail on the damn head :) Seriously what I needed to hear. Thank you. His mom is in the UK so that's out. But everything else is spot on. I have even tried everything you have written before, and noticed the positive affect, then crap happened, either with her or with their father, or I just got damn tired of it all...and we reverted back to what is unfortunately becoming our 'norm'.
And I appreciate your step by step guide. Kids aren't the only ones who sometimes need things spelled out for them! I like your be around people thing. We don't do that enough. I think that will seriously help both her and me.

Terrina - posted on 08/13/2016

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Also...I've been a stay at home mom for 8 years. So I don't work and I don't think I have to say how difficult it would be to get back into the workforce again. That's why we are still in the same house. Ironically, I am trying to provide some consistency for my kids by keeping them in their home, neighborhood, with their friends nearby, school, school bus stop...keeping all that the same for them.

Terrina - posted on 08/13/2016

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We do have rules (acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior), but haven't thought of writing them down and making them tangible in that way. Might be worth a shot. At this point, I'll try anything :)
Thank you :)

Terrina - posted on 08/13/2016

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There is truth to that. Thank you for your reply. Lots for me to think about. Most importantly, in the meantime I need to find a way handle my daughters behavior better. The yelling at her is obviously not the best method :)

Michelle - posted on 08/13/2016

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It doesn't matter that you are unofficially separated and living in the same house. He's still the Father.
Maybe you should look at getting your own place. Then you can go to court and get custody, visitation and child support sorted out.
It must be very confusing for the children that Dad is in the house but has checked out emotionally. To them, he doesn't care about them at all. You need to get away from him if he can't even be a Dad.

Terrina - posted on 08/13/2016

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Hi Michelle and Sarah,
Thanks for your replies so quick. Was nice to wake up and see a response. My partner and I are unofficially separated but live in the same house. He has made it very clear that he thinks his only role is to work and pay for food and the mortgage. I do my own childcare to earn some extra cash and all everything to do with the kids from their school to extra curriculum activities and everything in between falls on me. I have tried to make him see that his kids need much more from him than just financial 'support', but it usually ends up with us fighting and the kids suffering as he literally locks himself in the basement and sleeps days on end just to stay away from what he calls my 'nagging'. So now I try and handle things on my own. I just don't know how to deal with my 8 year olds constant complaining. All the time. And she has started being rude, and even mean. She's just a negative child and I can't seem to tap into any part of her that even wants to be positive. I'm sure being in this situation affects her subconsciously. And I don't know how to not let that happen.

Michelle - posted on 08/13/2016

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I would be blaming your partner as well.
He needs to step up and be a parent, he helped create these children so he has to help raise them.
I suggest you talk to him and get some couples counseling ASAP. You shouldn't have to raise your children alone, especially if you are still with their Father. You really should have been calling him out on this years ago.

Sarah - posted on 08/12/2016

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It is not normal for an 8 year old to be so negative. Something is wrong.
There may be something else in her life causing her negativity.
Your partners lack of help is also a problem - is he the father of your girls? He needs to be a "father" and spend time with them. He needs a mens group to "man up" and be a father to the girls, and husband to you.
Seek help.

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