Am I being reasonable?

Community - posted on 09/17/2010

Ladies,

This thread is now closed for discussion. Please remember that our communities are safe places for moms to seek advice and friendship, and personally attacking any member is against our guidelines No THUMPS. Please remember if you violate these guidelines, you will be removed from this community.

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Megan - posted on 09/17/2010

No one is ready or prepared when they have children!! Trust in god and there is always a way!! If you cant take care of it give it up for adoption there is so many women out there that wont babies and cant have them. Make someones dream come true!!

Miranda - posted on 09/17/2010

You have to do what is right for you and your family!!!! But with what every you decide I would talk to your doctor because it is not good for your body to keep having abortions. I don't know what birthcontrol you are using but if you keep getting pregnant on birthcontrol and not wanthing kids then you need to switch to something that will work!!!!

Jamie - posted on 09/17/2010

God wont deal you a hand you arent strong enough to play out! :)

Chelsey - posted on 09/17/2010

Hey! This is such a hard topic to answer, but I will give you my thoughts... Our son was not planned either.. my (now) husband and I had been together for 8 months, and I got pregnant, and we decided to keep Gavin (our son). Even though I was not done school, I worked part time, and had not much money to stand on, we thought that we could make it work. my husband originally had not wanted children, but, now we could not as for more of a blessing in our lives. I realize you have children already, and it sounds as though you love them SO much, and so, i think that this baby would be blessed to be brought into your home and have wonderful older siblings to help take care of him/her! The truth is, if you wait until "you are ready" again, or "have enough money" or a "bigger house" then the time will never come, becasue (I've learned this), there will always be something more that you would like to have before you have another one.

That being said, it is VERY difficult to bring a baby into the world and not have your husbands support. A friend of mine is going through this right now, and her fiance, is very nasty regarding the baby.. if the baby is crying or whatever, he will say "you wanted it, not me." Perhaps he will "grow" out of this in time, but its still not very fair to her. Two people made this baby, you cant get pregnant on your own and I think you should tell your husband that; if he isnt prepared to take responsibility for his actions, then maybe you shouldnt be with him; I dont know. This also may not be an option, but have you ever considered adoption? Where you have 3 others you may not even want to think of that, but, that i s always out there as well and there are SO many mothers who cant have babies that would be so willing to love and look after yours for the rest of his/her life.

I guess all in all, I would keep the baby.. just giving you some things to mull over. If you want this child then nothing should stop you, don't let your decision be due to circumstance, but, dont let your heart cloud your judgement either.. Man... thats tough. I apologize if I was not any help at all. LOL.

Charlotte - posted on 09/17/2010

I have a question for ARYAN: Why come on CoM if it's just to be nasty? You should learn a bit of respect girl! Who do you think you are coming on here insulting and judging ppl who ask for help?!

Heather - posted on 09/16/2010

Crazier things have happened. People learn to adjust for what comes their way. I think yall could do it. best of luck!

Tina - posted on 09/16/2010

wow this is a tough one...
if you want to keep the baby then i think you should. tell your fiance how you feel about everything!!! with your housing, look into subsidized housing or something like that where they base the rent off your income and family size. if you want this baby then you can find a way to make it work.
with your beliefs on birth control...i have a friend who for religious reasons will not use birth control. she uses a method called natural family planning which tracking your cycles and when you are ovulating. then when you are and for a few days before dont have sex. or use condumns i read that u said you do use them which is great but like any other form of birth control they are not 100% effective.
if you are pregnant, then i wish the best for you and your family and the decisions you and your fiance need to make. you are right theere is no reason you should go throough that again if you dont want to. i really hope all works for you.
tina selix

Connie - posted on 09/16/2010

Wow, this is a hard one. Listen to your heart. If you are pregnant, Congrats. God gave you this baby for a reason. If you decide to keep it, I'm sure it will be quite hard, but it always works out in the end. You said that you don't want to have an abortion, have you thought about adoption? Also, Please make sure you and your husband are both comfortable with whatever you choose. You are a team. I know I would of loved the idea of being a surrogate mother, but my husband would have no part of it. About the birth control issue, it's a personal choice. I have looked at Plan Parenthood and they sometimes provide surgery for both sexes. Just a thought.

Tiffany - posted on 09/16/2010

First off, I am trying to say everything I say as best as possible and replying to a whole considering everyone who replies to this. Not particularly all of this is to you(although most is). Not trying to start anything and not trying to put you down. Many of these people who have replied asked about birth control. You made yourself vulnerable and should be prepared for the obvious questions. They are not throwing any nasty comments out or trying to be rude. This is very much a subject that applies to your question although maybe not one to your choice as I believe everything happens for a reason. One of your replies was that you prefer not to use IUDs because you feel they are "barbaric". Is that more barbaric than an abortion? It's something to think about. Obviously whatever it is you are using isn't working. Is it fair for your children to suffer because as one person said her "husband doesn't LIKE using condoms"!?!?! I could not believe this. If this is how this person validates having children for something as selfish as that!?!?! WOW I cannot be more furious with that response than I am...THAT is not reasonable to me. But I am happy that you said you did at least use condoms.
Anyways, to answer your question I don't think you should have an abortion. Everything DOES happen for a reason. And everything works out for that matter as well=) Maybe you should think about going back to school or getting a job yourself or both. Also, get to know other moms. Trading babysitting can save a lot of money. I think if you made it through 3 children, you'll have no problem with 4. As for housing-you can make it work. Maybe look around. Perhaps a house that isn't exactly in an area you'd prefer would work, and sometimes they can be cheaper in rent too. At least it'd give you some time to get to where you want to be and until then live there. Everyone wants everything in life and right away. But sometimes those aren't the cards we are dealt. We have to deal with the cards we ARE dealt at take it from there.
Best of luck!

ASHLEY - posted on 09/16/2010

I think you should keep it and then change you bc method. I'm not being mean but if bc methods don't work for you your gonna have to find something that does plain and simple. I do not believe in abortion but to each his own. I think getting an IUD would be far less tramatic than an abortion but thats just me. You asked if you were being unreasonable about wanting to keep it... definetly not. But using abortion as birth control instead of using ANY other preventive measure IS completely unreasonable.

Ashley - posted on 09/16/2010

Well, I was not going to put it that way, but I knew the second you said that an IUD is revolting and barbaric you were going to have a lot of negative responses.

Jenni - posted on 09/16/2010

There's always a way! Things will be a whole lot tighter though. As long as you're all happy that's all that really matters.

Rebecca - posted on 09/16/2010

If he isnt willing to look in to a vasectomy, and yet says he doesnt want any more babies, then he should be willing to not have sex. You have birthed children and have gone through an abortion...it is selfish of him to expect to have sex yet not put enough thought in to the "what if" of another baby. We carry the kids and whatnot. In exchange, it is HIS turn. Birth control is the responsibility of the man and the woman. Not just the woman.

Vasectomy is scary for a man, im sure. But it is no where near as involved as pregnancy and labor. It is expensive though. Somewhere between $500-$1000 I believe

Sarah - posted on 09/16/2010

Congratulations! That is so awesome if you are pregnant. I would for sure keep it...little ones are such a precious blessing, and you never know what a blessing this little one might be. Your man will come around...don't worry about it. :)

Charlotte - posted on 09/16/2010

Well Nicole my last post was a cut'n'paste so you must've missed it. But I don't appreciate ppl taking me for a fool who doesnt know what contraception is. I am not that stupid! I've had enough of ppl telling me to get better BC; Not only is that NOT the subject of this thread but the ppl who tell me that don't know what they're talking about!

Nicole - posted on 09/16/2010

Ok I did read it again and there was nothing in there about BC....and I'm not trying to be judgemental or nasty you asked for Honnest advise and that's what I tried to give you! if you don't want it that cool...not everyone is going to think the same way I do, but you asked and I threw it out there! do what you want with it!

Charlotte - posted on 09/16/2010

Nicole please read the thread before making a comment!
To clear up the birth control issues, I can't take hormones because of too many side effects and I refuse an IUD as I find the very idea revolting and a bit babrbaric! lol We use condoms, none have split this month but I am 3 days late ( usually I'm very punctual, I'm talking 28 days on the hour!). I wanted my man to get a vasectomy and he keeps saying he' ll look into it. It's been nearly 2 years since he first said that.I'm looking for honnest advise, no judgemental or nasty comments please.

Ashley - posted on 09/16/2010

I think it's your choice. You have to decide what is best for you and your family. I would have thought about abortion when I was younger and unmarried. I would have thought about it when I was sick with cancer and had a baby I could barely care for. But now, when we could scrape by and take care of it, even though it would probably be a hardship - a baby brings so many more joys than struggles. I just couldn't imagine going through that heartbreak if you don't think it's the best thing.
But I also think that perhaps you need to think about a more "reliable" form of birth control too. I'm not trying to be nasty at all. If you are not pregnant, consider getting a Mirena - especially if you have insurance. I got one and didn't pay a penny. And it works for 5 years and I love it. I don't have to worry about it at all.

Nicole - posted on 09/16/2010

Personally I do NOT agree with abortion but in a few select situations, if you want the baby, you should keep it, and just start using better BirthControl!!! have you been using any at all?!

Jamie - posted on 09/16/2010

Do what YOU think is best. Personally, I do not support or agree with abortion, BUT, if that is what you think is best then I would never judge you for it. If you want to keep that baby, you will make it work. You have your hands ful yes, but you will find a way. I never thought I would have a baby not, me and my fiance at the time planned on waiting a few years until he got out of the military, both got good jobs, had a house, but about 6 weeks after he came home from Iraq we had a little surprise. It's not easy, I'm alone with the baby and have basically been a single mom for her entire 13 months of life, he has probably spent a total of a month with her her entire life, and that is weekends once in a while and 2 leave periods. He has missed everything, her birth, her first everythings so far and it sucks, but you just do it! I do not regret one bit having this baby, so if YOU want this baby, then go for it!

Charlotte - posted on 09/16/2010

My man really doesn't want to keep it. But I couldn't face another abortion. What do I do?

Beck - posted on 09/16/2010

I have the same thing right now, tho we have 1 10 yr old who is my step son and two young girls who are one and two. We also live in a two bedroom home and I have the feeling I may be pregnant but it is still a bit early to tell. I am not judging please don't take it that way but even with circumstances being bad I couldnt get an abortion. I know this is not the case for everyone so I'm not saying that is a decision you should make. I do understand that having another child right now is going to be hard but I wouldnt stress til you know for sure if you are having another child. If you are then think about how you will feel if you do decide to terminate. That is something you have to live with and if you don't want to go through it again maybe you are being told something.
I really hope it all works out for the best and I will be thinking of you. Good luck

Charlotte - posted on 09/16/2010

To clear up the birth control issues, I can't take hormones because of too many side effects and I refuse an IUD as I find the very idea revolting and a bit babrbaric! lol We use condoms, none have split this month but I am 3 days late ( usually I'm very punctual, I'm talking 28 days on the hour!). I wanted my man to get a vasectomy and he keeps saying he' ll look into it. It's been nearly 2 years since he first said that.

Sophie - posted on 09/16/2010

ego for it it will be fine the twins can
share with 2 year old AS THEY CAN SHARE TIL TWINS ARE 14 and new baby in your room

Ruthy - posted on 09/16/2010

It sounds like you have your hands full right now with three! Wow! Hats off to you! The question is can you cope with a baby, four under 5 yrs. in a two bedroom apartment? That's only for your to answer based on your own enegy level, time, costs, your sanity. It's a tough call since you've already had one abortion and I can understand not wanting another. I don't know what I would do in your situation. I have three and it's enough for me right now. Whatever your decision this time, perhaps you should consider using a better form of protection-birth control to prevent this situation in the future? It sounds like you get preggers often and puts stress on you and your family. I wish you the best.

Samantha - posted on 09/15/2010

He is your fiance and you love one another - tell him your feelings for why you'd like to have this child and that everything happens for a reason and afterall a child is the most precious gift of all.

Anna - posted on 09/15/2010

honestly i think you should have it dont know if you religious or not but god dont make mistake and remember you already tired to correct one mistake but it came back to you so that your sign that, it just suppose to happen. hope that was some help i ve been in the same situation and it end up working out for the best and am a single mom

Rachel - posted on 09/15/2010

people go through worse, you need to find a family member or a trusting friend to help you watch your babies, maybe it's time you work as well. you need to get on Medicaid, or whatever your state provides that can help with your situation.. if you are pregnant with your 4th, the best thing for that baby is to be the mom you can be, nobody is perfect and we all struggle, im a sahm living in a 2 bd apt, i have 2 kids an 2 month old and a 3 year old.. he makes good money, but it's stil never enough.. theres always going to be things you need/want, or bills that are late and need to be paid.. you need to get help so you can be a good mother, don't have unprotected sex if you don't wanna bring a child into this world, if it's one thing i learned from my mistakes, baby don't need to suffer from us not being careful about sex.. theres always someone out there who will pay for your pregnancy,clothes, and will be a good mom to that baby you couldn't keep... you will feel a lot better knowing you helped someone that could'nt have babies, and you can focus on being the best Mom for your kids..

Ramona - posted on 09/15/2010

Everything happens for a reason we may not know the reason but someone higher above does.

Blessed Be

Amanda - posted on 09/15/2010

I see no reason why you should have to. We were planning on kids after my fiancee got a job, we were married had a house yadda yadda yadda... two months after he came back from War, SURPRISE and its a struggle but worth it.

Cynthia - posted on 09/15/2010

Wow, you definitely have your hands full girl. And I completely understand your concerns. If it was me I would keep the baby, and just try to find a way to make it all work. I'm not sure where you live, but maybe you could find subsidized housing which is based on your income and family size, even if only a 3 bedroom, it would help. We all go through rough patches in our lives and we always "freak" out and dwell on what we cannot control. I have learned over the years that somehow, things do work out. Sometimes it takes longer than you would like and it feels like you have the whole world on your shoulders, but just take the time to appreciate the beautiful family you do have and make the best of every situation. And as I said, I hope you decide to keep the baby. I myself would love to have another one but have medical problems that won't allow me to do that. So I guess I'm a little jealous that you are so blessed. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Sarah - posted on 09/15/2010

@Theresa some women, like myself are highly fertile and birth control is not really effective and most guys i know are uncomfortable about wearing a condom, I personally have the will power to go with abstinence but its not that hard when you're single and at the end of the day just want to sleep

Charlotte - posted on 09/15/2010

Theresa, I said that I was looking for honnest advise, no judgemental or nasty comments please. Also your comment is inappropriate. Please read the thread before answering in future.

Amanda - posted on 09/14/2010

Why do you want to wait? Is it that your home is already too crowded? Or, you feel like there is not enough money? I guess part of the answer to the question would be knowing the why.

Theresa - posted on 09/14/2010

It may be too late now, but it sounds like you need to find better birth control.

Candy - posted on 09/14/2010

I sure like the rest of us you didnt have money when you had the first one. If God meant for you to have this child then he will make a way. It may be hard but it is worth every second in my eyes.

Montana - posted on 09/14/2010

you will find ways to make it work for you. always do, right? my husband knew he was going to get laid off and that didnt stop us from bay number 2. when he didnt get called back we struggled a little but now hes got a new job and its working for us.

Meilan - posted on 09/14/2010

If you want it, go for it! It'll work itself out, it always does when you want it...

Good luck!

Sarah - posted on 09/14/2010

where there's a will there's a way :) everything will work out for the best, sure it may be a struggle but things will work out