Am I Being Unreasonable???? My Marriage Maybe In Trouble?
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
Jane - posted on 02/10/2012
I agree with Katherine. Counseling would be an excellent idea for either or both of you, although punching him in the face might bring you some short-term relief, at least until he punches you back. But the important thing is that whatever quibbles he may have with what you do or how you do it, he should not be harassing you over them or making you feel bad.
Being a SAHM with a small child is exhausting work. Some days will be worse than others and there will be days you never even get out of your nightgown. Your husband is being immature and unreasonable in his response to you. He should be asking you what is wrong, not telling you off.
A suggestion to help in the short-term: when you do feel like cooking make extra and freeze it. That way when you have a bad day you just need to reheat the meal instead of making it from scratch.
Medic - posted on 02/10/2012
I would punch him in the face....yes I realize that is not good advice. Just because you stay home does not make all the cooking, cleaning, and child care YOUR job. It took BOTH of you to have the baby, it takes BOTH of you to dirty the house, and it takes BOTH of you to eat the food. Tell him to get over himself and start helping with the family he helped make.
Katherine - posted on 02/10/2012
Wow, how mean. I would suggest counseling. If he isn't up for it maybe you can go by yourself? Being a SAHM IS a lot of work! It's demanding and tiring. I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old. I also have an ex that gives me NO money, so as a single SAHM, I have no income.
Of course I'm tired all the time it's a 24/7 job! Especially with a 5 month old. You have every right to be tired. Why is he being so mean???? That's off the wall to throw away your meal! It's also ridiculous to get mad that you don't know how to work his phone.
The only thing I can say is counseling. Either for the both of you or just you. Maybe you need a break too. To say you do nothing is crap.
Eron - posted on 02/11/2012
being a stay at home mum is the hardest job in the world even if you have family friends all around you. You are alone in a new place and you just lost you mother - one of the most important people in your life. i think you are doing an amazing job and it sounds like you are coping really well.
Does your husband earn enough to pay the wages of a 24 hour a day 7 days a week nanny? + cleaner? + chef? - to look after himself and HIS child? How much would he be able to earn if he had to stay home, clean house, look after HIS baby etc? - You are at home for a very good reason, and its definitly not because you are lazy!
You are both parents together - he isnt working to support you and YOUR baby - he's supporting his family.
If he cant see what you do, that means you are doing a fantastic job - try doing nothing for a few days - let him see the mess that stacks up when you actually do nothing all day.
Being a stay at home mum is looking after your home and your child - if you didnt live with your husband, and you were still a stay at home mum and he was paying maintenance would you still cook for him, clean his home and do his washing? NO - and guess what - he would still have to go work, pay his bills and contribute to his child.
So...how dare he throw food away that you have gone to the effort to prepare and cook for him? If he doesnt like what you are cooking why doesnt he cook for you? (again i have to say that if you werent there, he would still have to work and then he still have to cook his own dinner when he got home).
Maybe he's feeling pressured, and hes taking it out on you, if thats the case you need to get him to talk honestly with you, listen - dont argue, try to see his point of view and explain yours, and try to find a way that you can be a team at home - you are BOTH parents.
He's treating you badly, if you choose to allow it then things will not get better. Be fair to yourself, if it makes you feel bad its because its not right. x
Donna - posted on 02/11/2012
Sounds to me as if your husband has pulled you away from those you know, left you without a car - which is stupid of him, what would you do if the baby got really sick, how would you get you and your child to a hospital/doctor's office? He sounds abusive and the next thing after yelling and screaming and throwing perfectly good food in the garbage comes the physical abuse. You need to get out of this relationship sooner rather than later in my way of thinking. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but he certainly is. He needs to lighten up and get you a car and let you talk to people and make friends.I'm less worried about your marriage being in jeopardy and more worried about your safety and that of your infant. Get out now while you can. Go to a safe house and get a restraining order - especially since this isn't the first time he's done this. Maybe he's having an affair on you, feels guilty about it and is taking his guilt out on you. Still, you need to get out now! Don't wait. Leave him and take your baby somewhere you'll be safe. No joke.
Ash - posted on 03/10/2012
He sounds like a total jerk, serioulsy, throwing the food because it isn't properly seasoned?? OMG I've made pretty unedible food for my husband and he eats it with a smile and commenting on how it's great that I tried, lol... I'm a SAHM too and my son is 4yo and in kindergarten, he's in school during the mornings and I still have lazy days when I don't clean or cook because I just didnt feel like it, your husband should understand, I mean you lost your mother for god's sake!!!
I'm sorry youre going through that :(
ya hitting is not an answer, it could lead to more physical abuse, but i took enough of him yelling in my face and blaming me for how his family doesnt come over or all that i expect of him and that im a money hungry B! and i bopped him across the jaw. he backed up and raised his fist to me and i walked away. he had me backed up againist the wall in my face yelling and calling names. we too lived at one time in an extended stay hotel, the lowest i had been. but we had electricity, cable, food and a roof over our head. i think he is feeling the stress of everything that is weighing on his shoulders which is why hes being mean. he may wish he had your help with income as you stay at home. is there away to get daycare and work too to help get you guys out on your own place? when we were in a hotel, my husband wanted to work so hard to provide for us so i could stay at home with my little one who was one at the time because when we were divorced the first time i had to go to work when i was pregnant until we got back together last year. lets just say, all the stress of him loosing his dad who was his bf last march and his job and our home and everything else, he still went to work everyday. but, his resentment towards me finally paid its price andhe left us just a month ago.
Lynn - posted on 03/09/2012
Check out a book called, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.... that will help you determine whether you are dealing with a grumpy guy who is having a bad day or if you are being emotionally and verbally abused. People who feel the need to control others usually don't think very highly of themselves .... so you have a choice to make.... do you want to stay with a controlling man who's behavior is likely to worsen, possibly becoming physical/sexual/mental abuse as his lack of self-control continues to get worse? I am happy he's agreed to counseling but in my opinion, he has some work to do in individual counseling before he's going to be ready to do the work necessary for successful marriage counseling. All I can say is this.... if this man doesn't change, or denies that he has a problem, you need to take a serious look at your future with him. What would we be teaching our children if they watch us allow "dad" to mistreat and abuse their mommies? You deserve to be treated with love and respect, ESPECIALLY by your husband, who is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader, your best friend, and the person who would DIE before he could ever think of hurting you. THAT is what marriage is.... real love. Good luck to you!!! :-)
Katie - posted on 03/09/2012
Honey My ex husband was that way as well. And it was a living hell. It goot to the point I would have a panic attack if i couldnt find the remote before he came home from work. I have been divorced a year and while it is been so hard to make it on my own, but my son is happier and that I feel like i can finnially breath. My best advice is to start looking for a job that you are able to do from home example babysitting. Then apply for foodstamps and WIC. The more money you squirrel away the stronger you will feel. Trust me it is haard but you too can make it on your own.
Stacey - posted on 03/09/2012
I'm going to play the devils advocate here a little bit and ask you to try and talk to him, sit down, no attacking, no fighting. Preface the conversation expaining to him that you need to talk to help your marriage, and he needs to be willing to communicate with you and respect you throughout the conversation. No one ever said that having children would be easy. It sounds like you have one child and that child is a baby. The biggest change you both will ever go through is having kids. It changes you, changes your relationship, changes everything. Sounds like he is just having a hard time adjusting to the new you, the new relationship, everything. Was he like this before you had your baby? My husband would never throw dinner out that I worked hard on, but he's also not abusive in anyway. Your DH may be abusive in some ways, but that doesn't mean all hope is lost. A couple months ago, I was in your position (not with abuse, but with other issues) and I've found that as long as we are both willing to communicate respectfully, we can get through anything. That doesn't mean everything is perfect now, but it is starting to be much better than it was before. Surprised me, but it worked. I did talk to a close friend and divulged all my issues with DH to her and her advice was to simply start communicating, even if it's easier to just be quiet and act like everything's okay. Once I really started telling DH how I feel about things, everything got so much better. You may never know what it's like to be the breadwinner, and DH may never know what it's like to be at home with the kids full time, and do all the home stuff. So, you guys need to start by respecting eachother's positions, and realize that both of you work hard and need support by the other. Even when it doesn't feel good, or you'd rather curl up with a book or take a nap. Even if you have to schedule time off, or make a chore chart for each of you, or have everything written out in a manual(that you both create together) then do it. It's definitely like running a business, but can be mutually fulfilling if you are both in for the long haul. It may sound tempting to just bail, but please consider your child. Just because you may think you'll be happier to leave, you will still have to deal with him for the next 18 years, and it probably will be more upleasant for you and your child. Just take that into consideration! :)
Becky - posted on 03/09/2012
Honestly, it doesn't matter if he understands what you do at home or not. He should RESPECT you and not be verbally abusive to you. Plain and simple. When he becomes disrespectful, that is when you need to decide whether YOU want to continue to put up with him or not. A marriage is about equal partnership, love and respect. Do you believe that is what you have? Only you can make that decision. All I know is do what makes YOU happy and he can take care of himself! Life is too short to be in a destructive relationship! Do what makes you happy., with or without him. You are a strong woman, after all, you are a SAHM!! right?!
Emily - posted on 03/09/2012
I worked full time before I had my baby, and let me tell you, being an SAHM is WAY HARDER. I tell my husband, its like a full time job that you NEVER get to take a break from, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and you are so emotionally involved in this job that it makes you cry on a regular basis. I NEVER cried at my boring desk job!
Your husband is being a capital D Douche, but you know, if you just don't let it get to you, you can be happy no matter how childish and ridiculous he is. Go ahead and throw your tantrum about the groceries and the ground turkey. I am above your petty drama because I have more important things going on in my life!
Don't let him pick fights. If you don't like the turkey, DON'T EAT IT. If you don't like the way I do things at home, YOU CAN LEAVE. Don't give him the power to control you. Don't let his childishness illicit an emotional response. Treat him like you would a spoiled 2 year old throwing a fit.
Tammi - posted on 03/09/2012
What he is doing is emotional abuse. It is wrong of him to treat you that way.Tell him if he does'nt like your food a certain way,to do it himself. And it would not hurt for him to help you with the kids,and clean a bit. Your a mom,not some animal. Step up for yourself. And seek counseling if possible.
Jade - posted on 02/13/2012
Oh my, where do i start? I feel terrible for you that you are being treated this way. Before i became a SAHM, I thought it would be tiring, but mostly be cooking, cleaning, and feeding. What I didn't realize, is it would be ALL cooking, cleaning, and feeding. :) People who have never stayed home with child have NO IDEA how tiring it is.
I feel the same way you do sometimes, "why am i so tired", "this is my job to cook", so don't be hard on yourself. Your husband should be there to pull you up, support you, comfort you. I am in absolute amazement after reading your post that a so-called husband can even act this way. Of course we all get short, but to criticize your every move????!! I think I would have punched him already. :) To throw your dinner in the trash, WOW.
As many other wives have said, counseling may be a good start. I think it may help him to hear someone else's reaction to his obviously hurtful behavior. If he won't go to counseling, I would try going alone. I have tried it before, was very nervous to go, and yes, it did help!! Just to get things off our chest to someone who is uninvolved can't hurt.
I wish you much happiness, and don't you let him take that happy-go-lucky out of you!! :) You deserve to be happy because you sound like an awesome Mommy and wife.
Eron - posted on 02/11/2012
ps, i have 4 little devils and go to college and have also worked, its sooooo much easier to get up, get yourself ready and go to work than it is to be a stay at home mum - i love being a stay at home mum but it has to be said that its alot easier to go to work lol x
Rene - posted on 02/11/2012
You need to tell him how you feel when no one has been drinking and you arent fighting. He may feel resentment for missing time with his kid. Working all the time he may feel under appreciated. It takes a lot of work if you can't take it leave but you should at least get his perspective. As for tired one day your husband gets days off you should too. You dont need permission your not a child. You can do what you want and if I was you I would start now.
Carol - posted on 02/11/2012
I'm very glad that he agreed to counseling. Make sure you and the therapist are very specific as to what is appropriate and what isn't (for you too, nobody is perfect). My ex was a master of manipulation and twisting things. We sat through only 1 counseling session. I vividly remember him standing on the steps outside of the counselor's office telling me that he is not changing anything and that everything is my fault which went against just about everything in the session. At least I didn't have long to wait for him to show his colors. I was gone within the week.
On the positive side. You are now armed with what to watch out for. My 2nd husband is beyond awesome and the best father to our kids that you could hope for. I really hope that your husband comes around though.
I am glad he has agreed to counseling. I hope things work out for you guys. I do believe that you do owe your child a honest go at fixing things before you leave. This unfortunately may be how he is reacting to his own stresses (not that I think it is appropriate). But talking about it will be good for you two. Good luck and dont forget to force yourself to give you some you time and make some friends too.
â¥âªMeganâ«â¥ - posted on 02/10/2012
Ok so I asked my husband and he said next time do just that, nothing. Don't cook, don't clean, don't do anything but what your child needs to have done. His opinion is that if that's what your husband believes you do, then do it. DH also says that if this is something that's constant with your husband then you should consider just leaving completely.
Of course I married a man who knows that if he did that to me, he'd have his parents, a few cousins, a few friends (we have a lot of mutual friends and I knew them first) my parents and a step daughter to deal with. My ex though was like your husband and also verbally and mentally abusive so I'm glad I got out of that.
You're only human like him and like the rest of us and you get tired because you're human. What he did was out of line and I would've smashed the turkey in his face if that'd been me. Of course I have my job I can fall back on if I have to.
He does need conseling and I hope it works. If not you should seek some help and figure out how you'll get out and support yourself.
Jimena - posted on 02/10/2012
I agree with all here!!! my husband is almost the same... he pick stuff to fight with me that are almost unreal! I think the counseling should work.... Were are you if you dont mind me asking... Im in S.Fl...
If you were close we may take the kids to the park or at least talk over the phone....
Michelle - posted on 02/10/2012
My ex husband was the same, even when I went back to work for 2.5 days a week with a 3yo & a 6 month old! I still cooked every night and did all the housework as well as helping him with his business. Whenever I asked him to help out he would say that he worked more hours so why should he.
Well he got the shock of his life when I left him!!! He then realized that running the house and looking after the boys was harder than his work. It was too late for me though.
I have since married the most wonderful man who helps out around the house and with all 3 kids (2 not his). A marriage is a partnership and there needs to be respect from both sides. As the other ladies have suggested, I would try and get him to go to couples counceling.
Christy - posted on 02/10/2012
Him throwing the food away would be the last straw for me. He sounds like a controlling spoiled brat. Can you leave a few days to spend with a family or friend, and tell him you need to get away from him a bit to re coop?
Has he ever verbally or physically abused you? Pushing counts, btw. I may sound over dramatic here but sounds like he needs anger management classes at the least.
Lyssa - posted on 02/10/2012
carol is right. he sounds like a total control freak and has no right to emotionally abuse you! you have many more than just one reason to have a "tired" day. he obviously thinks that because you're a sahm that you truly do nothing, which is quite the opposite! sounds like recently you've been through quite a lot, no mode of transportation to get an occasional change of scenery, and an overbearing, control freak husband. i think i actually would punch my husband in the face if he treated me like that! and i can totally see why you're starting to resent him. have you ever just given it right back to him? maybe a really good dose of his own medicine may make him think a little. good luck and my heart goes out to you
Carol - posted on 02/10/2012
He sounds like a control freak. Counseling is a great idea even if it's just for you so you know you're not imagining things. My ex-husband was verbally abusive and a total control freak. He only shoved me a couple of times, but the nitpicking and badgering was so much worse, right down to the spices I was allowed to use in the house - even if it wasn't for him- and which toothpaste I was allowed to use. Being isolated away from family and friends is another way to control you. I recently moved for my husband's job (different, much better husband). I don't feel isolated though because of Skype and the phone and both our attitudes. New friends are slowly being made mostly through my kids playdates. Join a playgroup. It will give your baby some friends and let you talk with other adults.
I lost my mother suddenly almost a year ago now and the sadness makes me really tired and lazy feeling. You have the added weight of caring for a baby - that's so tough. A night off every now and then won't make your husband starve. I assume he's capable of making himself a bowl of cereal or a sandwich. He should be supportive for you right now.
Join Circle of Moms
Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.Join Circle of Moms