Am I expecting too much from my husband???

Erin - posted on 02/06/2011 ( 36 moms have responded )

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So how it goes is...
Several months back we realized that in our current financial situation we could not just live off my husbands income. So we decided that I would work a weekend/night pt job so we can catch up on bills, pay down the cc debt and get our mortgage more manageable. And that when that was taken care of I would go back to soley being a SAHM. Well, it's been six months and bills are caught up, the cc's paid off and we were able to consolidate and our mortgage is manageable. I know it sounds great, but we're still just breaking even or coming up short every pay period and I haven't even quit my pub job yet. I mentioned to my husband that we need to bring in more money, and since I thought I did my part that he would step up and maybe finally go to the rigs to where the money's at. Yeah, I don't think it's going to happen. He's not to keen on working outdoors in the winter time and really likes the job he's been in for the last 5 years. Child care is not an option since there's none out where we live and would have to go into town for it and then my son would have to change schools and he's only 1/2 through kindergarten. So working a day job isn't going to happen for me.

So it leaves a few options...Either he sucks it up, goes and doubles his income, works hard, has room for advancement, works in the cold or heat in -40 or 40 degree weather, works long hours. or. I go find a night bartending job, work from 8-4am weds through sat, get up at 730 every morning, not put my children to bed 4 nights of the week, I'm tired enough doing everything around the house without weekend family time. I just feel like we had an agreement, and since he's afraid of change I'm the one who has to bend and suck it up. I've been crying all day because I know this is how it's going to have to be.
I know I'll resent him, and I'm even considering a divorce since not only is he not providing for us, but he doesn't even have the motivation to do it. I'll never really see him anyways if I'm working nights.And if we have to sell our home, I'll never forgive him. It'll tear us apart. I'm so angry at him for backing out on us like this. I'd rather work my ass off at home rather than at a FT job, but I'm the one with the education and he's not. But if we get a divorce than I have no problem working since that's my only option then.
Just needed to vent and stop crying in my room. Thanks for listening.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Erin, why doesn't your husband help you with house stuff when you work? He should be willing to help on those days especially! I'm a sahm and my husband helps me out on any days that he is not working. Everyone chips in on weekends even the kids. It's just what is fair. Mommy's gotta keep her sanity!

[deleted account]

Awe, I feel for you. Right now your in the storm and things will get better. You need to look for some clarity in your thoughts and long term plans. Have you tried cutting all excess costs yet and going down to the bare minimum? Thrift shops, food stamps and so on? I understand how important it is for you to be there for your kids. I hope it gets better soon and don't give up on your hubby. Sometimes it takes a few tries to sort things out and finances are the #1 reason and worst reason for divorce. So hang in there and know that God is on your side and can help if you just ask. Peace

Christine - posted on 02/11/2011

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Dont let something as dumb as a house destroy a marrage.....somethings have to be put on hold you cant do everything all at once especially with the economy the way it is...if losing a house means you get weekends with hubby and hubby stays at his happy job and you get to to be a SAHM...then save up money for a house. I think you are asking to much of yourself your a mom should be enjoying it..dont let society tell you what makes a family! you make the family.

Christine - posted on 02/10/2011

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1. There is no work on the rigs right now
2. The lifestyle of guys working out on the rigs usually causes break ups.
3. Why does he have to be the main bread winner?
4. Why are your finances so out of hand that you cant cover it between your part time job and his wages?
5. If your son is going into grade 1 soon, you could work days if you needed to then

Yeah I think that you need to respect his job choice, the rigs are not all they are said to be. I live in Alberta and see all kinds of terrible break ups because of them. Alberta is in a recesion along with the rest of the country. Most of the sites are not even operating right now and will be stopping very soon for spring break up

Jenn - posted on 02/07/2011

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I don't think it's right to tell him that he should take a certain job just because it means more money, if it means he will hate it and in turn be angry and resentful towards you. Why are you considering divorce? It's not like he's being a lazy bum and not working at all - that would be an entirely different story. I'm a bit confused as to how you were able to pay down all of your debts, yet now you are barely getting by on the same income.

Anyway, here are some suggestions:
- find ways to cut back and live on less
- get someone to come into your home to watch your child so that you can go to work FT during the day
- work an extra shift on a day that he is off

This conversation has been closed to further comments

36 Comments

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Jennifer - posted on 02/11/2011

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I am sorry to hear that you are going through this! I know good paying jobs are tough to come by right now but, in my opinion he needs to go look for one of those! It sounds to me like the two of you had an agreement that he would work outside of the house and you would take care of everything else. He didn't keep his side of the deal up. If one day you just decided not to have his home clean and make him dinner any more or take care of the kids he would be upset because you broke your end of the deal.

Christia - posted on 02/11/2011

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I am glad I am not the only one going through something similar! My husband and I agreed when I got pregnant, that if he had a good enough job to support us by himself, than I would stay home and take care of the kids. In November, he was laid off. He tried to get unemployment, but was denied. We had some MAJOR problems during this time. FINALLY, in January, AFTER I started to look for a job because he didn't seem to want to look for one, I finally was able to talk him into working as an OTR Truck driver. He has had his Class A CDL for almost 5 years, but refused to get a driving job. He turned down a job that would have more than just paid the bills because he didn't want to go OTR. Once our car was repossed (not after we lost our home, no) he finally decided to get a job OTR. We lost our home, and he still wouldn't look for a job. I don't have any training or schooling in anything that pays more than minimum wage and he can make $1200/week to do what he is doing now. I don't think that you should have to go to work when you both agreed that you would stay home with the kids. My husband and I were on the brink of divorce, as well, because of the stuff he was pulling. When we got pregnant, we decided to do what we are doing, when he decided that he didn't want to work anymore, instead of talking to me about it, he made us lose our home and our car. All I am saying, is that I am totally 100% behind you, I agree with you. If you are working, he should be helping with the housework, makes it easier on both of you and leaves more time for you both to spend with the kids and each other. Good luck with your decision and I hope he makes the right one!

Crystal - posted on 02/11/2011

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My bills were getting tight also and I am a stay SAHM I was looking at getting a job on the weekends and realized it would take a lot away from the kids and not even bring in much money.
One day I needed make up so I called my Mary Kay lady.. I realized that having my own business where I can make my own hours would be a better option for me.. I am not a big cosmetic person so I started looking around for Consultant Jobs that were comparable.. I LOVE to cook so I became a Consultant for the Pampered Chef.. I LOVE it,, you make your own hours ..I make have never made less then $80 for a show and have made up to $200..that is for about 3 hours of my time..we get a bunch of people together... I make a recipe, everyone drinks chats and eats what I cooked and show the catalog it is a great time out of the house PLUS I make money and earn free products.. If your interested let me know..it is as low as $80 to start and you make that back in one show..

Ilene - posted on 02/10/2011

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The only company I've encountered that will actually work with you on your scheduling is Weis. Sit Mr. King down and let him know where you stand. What you posted sounds just like what you should say. Just make sure your clam. And if you decide to let him in on the "D" thing, maybe he'll come around. I don't know him of course, but it could go in many different directions. When my bf does something or says something that's un called for, I tell him and either he can like it or not. I can't count how many times I've (and other ppl) have told him to man up. I've been told that the boyfriend's job is more important. I just let him talk (sometimes) cause he's the one looked at as the ass. As a woman you have the right to choose. My oldest is 14 and I think the bf is still jelous that our kids come before anyone including him. A few weeks ago,maybe months ago, I said that to him and he got all defensive and upset. The only thing I could think of was man-up. my heart bleeds (he loves this one lol) purple puppy piss for you, NOT!. How about trying to be a real man and also take care of your lady emotionally. Yeh, ok, like that'll ever happen. It's not just the kids that make some women go bonkers. Guys are tools, period.

Jennifer - posted on 02/09/2011

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It is amazing that I just came across your post. I feel like I am in the same boat. I have been crying and feel like I am at my breaking point. My boyfriend (even though we act like we are married) went back to school and I am also in school. I graduate in May. Well I have been working and going to school (doing an internship now unpaid) and I get no assistance from him. I have a 4 year old who he loves and claims as his own and some times I don't mind being the one working and going to school because I hope that he will take care of us once he is out of school but I feel like I do everything! I cook, clean, do laundry, take out the garbage, go to work, go to school and raise my son. I am exhausted and overwhelmed. I don't know what I am going to do. Anyways, I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I will pray for your situation and hope that it all works out for you.

OWENS - posted on 02/09/2011

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if you feel that you will resent him and you know he wont change any thing to help maybe you should leave b4 you start hating him.the 2 of you need to be on good terms for the child.some men just dont get it.money trouble is one of the most reasons people do get divorce its hard try to tell him what you told us if he cares then he will do whatever he has to to keep his family together. if he can make that good of money on the rigg maybe it can be a short time thing a year or so then when the money sarts to come in he will want to stay.dont let him forget that a happy wife is a happy life.lol. good luck with what ever you do i hope it works out for the best.and you want the best life for you child and dont want to work just to pay someone to watch your child grow up cause your at work so no i dont think you are asking to much.

Angela - posted on 02/09/2011

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Hello Erin. I have also battled PPD and anyone who has not been there or watched someone they truly care about go through it will never understand the battle that goes on inside your head while trying to push through it. With that being said I would pay no attention to the people telling you to go work on the rig yourself. We are here to help each other NOT judge! When I read your post I don't hear a person with serious financial problems, I hear a mom who is having a hard time processing her thoughts. My advice ,as it has worked well for me, is while you are in clarity(knowing that things are ok) promise yourself that the next time you get upset you will remember that you have PPD and most likely things are not as bad as they seem. I know this is much easier said than done but the more times you do it the easier it will get and eventually you will be able to decipher between what really is a bad situation and when you are being effected by PPD. I wish you the best in your quest to overcome what so many will never understand just know that you are not alone in this and that it wont last forever. (BIG HUG)

Julie - posted on 02/09/2011

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Sounds like you are stressed on many levels...But demanding your huband quit a steady job in this econmy is RISKY - as new man on a new job - He would be the first to go if there were any issues. The Grass is always greener - what you should do is figure out what the "ideal" situation is for you. Then work towards that goal - it may take several months or years, But remember slow and steady wins the race. Just sounds like you are overwhelmed - Have you considered doing at home day care? It could bring in a few hundred a month yet allow you to be home during the day...just a thought

Casey - posted on 02/08/2011

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Thats a tough situation that you guys are in, I understand where you are coming from if you have always dreamed of being a stay at home mum then the thought of having to give that dream up would be hard, however I think it is wrong of you to pressure him into going away to work and doing a job that he is clearly going to hate just so you don't have to go to work. My partner does work away and I would not wish it on anyone, yes the money is good but watching your child scream and cry for their daddy is heartbreaking and then when they do come home the kids are so used to them being away that they don't want anything to do with them, trust me it's not worth the money and the only reason I have let my partner continue to work away is because he loves his job and this is what he was born to do.
I think you need to both look at your financial situation before making any permenant decisions, if you've paid off the credit card then cut it up and don't ever use it again they are the biggest trap ever we had one years ago and we'll never ever have one again, maybe go down to one car if possible, shop in bulk cause it's cheaper, switch from using brand name stuff to no name products, go without cable or foxtel whatever you want to call it, look into doing a party plan buisness from home, walk instead of driving wherever you can and if worse comes to worse sell the house and downgrade to something smaller and cheaper until your kids are all at school and you are happy to go back to work. I would much rather be poor and live in a small house and drive a crap car and be happy then live in a nice house, with a fancy car and lots of money and be miserable or see my partner miserable. At the end of the day money isn't important.

Jeanna - posted on 02/08/2011

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I am sorry for your situation honey. I am having the same problem at home and since he keeps saying that he will get a good job...rigs, I have not been out and about looking, I did apply for one place and all looked well, I was overqualified and the lady wants to retire. Come to find out not until next year. At the same time my best friend where we live and my husband got a little bit to close the other night and she was going to do daycare if I got a job...but as it stands I am up in the air on everything, I wonder if it would be better if I was a single mom....may be less to worry about. Best luck sweets and head up

Sarah - posted on 02/08/2011

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Have you guys considered cutting back on "luxury" items? Like things you have a bill for but could go without if you had to? Also, save up coupons, they really help. In my opinion, you both really should sit down together and map out everything that is important and not important. It sounds to me that you aren't on the same page. Maybe he has his reasons as to why he doesn't want to change jobs or take on another. Marriage isn't all about 'self' it's a two way street. If you don't have communication, how can you expect to get what you want? (currently having some marital issues of my own). I really hope for the best for you and your family.

Belinda - posted on 02/08/2011

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Congrats on getting help, sometimes that is all that you need for a bit of perspective.I am so glad that it has worked out.

Katrín Ösp - posted on 02/08/2011

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It´s good that you worked things out and that you have a clearer view on things. Best wishes to you and your family.

Tiffany - posted on 02/08/2011

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I think it should be equal. You should both have jobs if that is what you have to do! You should not make him do anything if it comes down to that he has to work that job then him being a man and father he should just take it! But I think in a family the parents should be equal! I have been raising my son by myself since he was born and I wish I had a father figure in my sons life even if we was only makeing a dollar an hour. But I dont! You should never force someone to do something because just like you saying you will never forgive him if you lose your house he will never forgive you from making him work when you stay home all day! Just my look on it all hope I dont upset you in anyway and would like to say Good Luck!

Chrystal - posted on 02/08/2011

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Aww I'm so sorry you are going through all of that. If I were in your shoes, I would simply tell your husband you need to talk to him. I would lay everything out on the table. Everything that you just told us you need to tell it to him. Just talk in a nice calm manner though, No yelling, screaming, throwing things, none of that LOL! If you talk very calmly you might get the response you want to hear. I hope everything works out for you and good luck:)

Erin - posted on 02/08/2011

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Katrin, funny, my husband called my parents out for some guidance last night. I got them to look at the budget and told them what was going on and they said we were doing fine. I was worried that we weren't saving anything and they were like "you're saving $100 a month for the kids education!" I never looked at it that way. They helped us realize that we're actually doing fine, and I was freaking out for no reason. When we looked at it closer, I don't need to pick any more shifts up. And if we have a rough month with a lot of expenses my husband said he would work some more OT or I could ask for a few more hours that month. Sometimes my PPD will strike back and I'll get in a ridiculously low mood, and everything just seems to be falling apart. Thank goodness for my parents and their support and understanding. They have a lot of great advice. And one thing they pointed out was that with my tips, we can put half aside in savings and the other half is play money. It makes sense. They also said anything above and beyond the minimum take home pay that I have on the budget, we would do the same with too. And if there's any money left in the account from the following payperiod to the next payperiod, we do the same with. So we'll always be saving. It will just vary from time to time. And if we are able to follow the budget to a T and say my husband does get a raise in the near future, I may just be able to be a full fledged SAHM. Thank you to everyone for your reccomendations and support!

Katrín Ösp - posted on 02/07/2011

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Hi Erin, my man has a job he likes but does not pay very well. He could be in a better paid job but then he would never be home with me and the kids. We don´t have much but our family helps us when it gets tough, babysits invite us to dinner and so forth. Have you asked your folks to help you out? I know it is hard to ask for help but sometimes we all need a little help. I know you will work this out.

Jenn - posted on 02/07/2011

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Sorry, I didn't see where you mentioned about cutting back your shifts - that's why you're just getting by now. Well, what about the other suggestion I made of getting a babysitter to come into your home - or a Nanny. Most of the time they will do little things to help out around the house as well, which would cut down on your extra workload and take some of the stress away so that when you are home, you can enjoy it. Perhaps there's more to the story, but I still don't see how he's lacking motivation if he already works full-time.

Erin - posted on 02/07/2011

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Yeah, I tried day care and it was unreliable. Some months I mad 5-600 $$ other months was like $150. I couldn't budget that much of a deficit so that's why I started working at the pub. And it took a lot away from my own children :(

Belinda - posted on 02/07/2011

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Erin, I hope that things will continue to work out for you. I had a thought since you live in a rural area and there is no daycare available I was wandering if there is a need for a daycare provider in your area. If there is, would it be feasible for you to start something in your home? I don't know if that would help you cover your bills though.

Lisa - posted on 02/07/2011

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I don't think it matters about the first agreement if your situation does not mean that it is ready to be honored. If you can't afford it financially, you can't afford it. Both of you need to make scarifices to make things work for your family. I don't think it's fair for him to have to "suck it up" so you don't have to do something you don't want to do. You both need to do what is best for your family to get you through this hard financial times.

Erin - posted on 02/07/2011

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When we got our finances sorted out he wanted me to cut down my hours and be home with the children, we both wanted that and still do. So I cut back to just two nights a week. I am going to find more work though, but we live in a rural area and there is no daycare out here unfortunately. If I work during the days then we'd have to find childcare in town and my son would have to change schools half way through kindergarten. But If both he and I are working full time in town it seems bizzare for us to live out in the country. It'll take a while for us to sell the house maybe a year or so, so regardless I'll need to be working. The hospital I used to work at would definitely take me back and I could go back into Health information management schooling. But then there's being torn from losing all that time from my children. When I worked at the hospital every week I was working overtime and it was normal to work 36 hrs straight. On top of that I was doing my HIM course ft and my husband was literally a single parent for a year. I don't want to do that to him with two kids now. I had really bad pregnancies and was put on disability with the second so I couldn't finish my first year of school. Along with PPD due to the feelings I have towards my pregnancies it's just been a rollercoaster for almost the last 6 years. I told him I don't want him to work the rigs if he doesn't want to and that I'll be the one to step up and make it work. Even if I'm needing to work 7 nights a week. What ever needs to be done. He feels like a failure though, but he's an awesome dad. He's not a dead beat or anything like that. It's the lack of motivation and initiative he has that drives me crazy. He hates change and when he's cozy and content in a certain situation he can't handle the stress of just thinking about change. So then it falls back on me. It always does. On the nights that I work, he puts the kids to bed and tidies up and sometimes even does laundry. He'll do that for a week and then the next week he does nothing around the house. The most overtime he puts in it maybe 8 hours a week max. Where as when I was working at the hosp. I was working 12 hour shifts and then overtime. He's torn because he wants me to be home with the kids, but doesn't want to change jobs. He won't be able to get a wage increase and he can only work so much overtime before there's nothing to do. And counting on overtime is like counting on tips at the bar.

Robin - posted on 02/07/2011

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i know you are upset, but i really don't see cause for divorce in this situation. getting a divorce because you don't have enough money will only make you have less money.
i totally understand resenting him though. when i first got married my husband and i agreed that i would work FT and he would work PT because he was still in school. but it didn't take long for me to resent him because he was doing the housework and that's what i always pictured what i would be doing. that said, you don't want him to resent you for making him do a job he hates. even though you had an agreement because he might not have thought it would come to that. but he should be helping you with housework. especially cooking on the days you work.
i agree with jenn, you should try to find a nanny so you can work a few days at a day job. yeah you'd still be working, but at least you'd get to put your kids to bed and spend your evenings with your husband. do everything you can to keep that bond. it's important. good luck

Katherine - posted on 02/07/2011

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I have a different outlook on this. Whenever my husband and I were in a tough spot I got off my butt and got a job to help out. He is not theonly one in this relationship. I am there to help and have his back in all times. I will not allow him to go through anything on his own and then turn around and complain cause its not good enough. When we first moved to this town I was the one with the job until he got one. neither of us got alot of sleep because we worked crazy hours and our kids and house needed to be taken care of. Oh well you loose sleep, what spouse hasn't. When it comes down to it you both have to be there for each other- thick or thin. be supportive, and be understanding. He is out there busting his butt. He can only do as humanly possible. Life sucks sometimes you just go tto get through it - together.

[deleted account]

Haha, well, I say it's a man's responsibility to provide. My husband works for the railroad. He leaves home on Sunday night and doesn't come home until Thursday night. While I don't like going to bed 4 nights a week by myself, I like our bills being paid. He makes a great sacrifice for our family because we both feel it's his responsibility. I am the one taking care of the home and children and he brings in the money to provide for all of that. Plus, my husband helps with chores on the weekend when he is home. He works outside, in Indiana, Ohio, Michigan, and Illinois, so it's very cold in the winter. And he also works in 95 degree heat. He didn't want to have a manual labor, outside job. He originally went to college for Culinary Arts, but he loves his job now. He says he couldn't sit at a desk inside and not do anything all day. Just because he is gone during the week, doesn't make it terrible. Although I only get to see him Thursday night through Sunday night, I spend quality time with him. He is all mine for the entire 3 days. He was working close to home before, but wasn't bringing in m uch money unless he worked overtime. Then, the overtime made him tired and grumpy. We hardly had alone time then. So, I say, if you had an agreement, he does need to stick to it. My husband and I discussed the roles we would play before we got married. I don't know if you did that, but you discussed it while married, so even if things were one way before, they have obviously changed. Ok, long run-on sentences are bad. Anyways, I'm trying to say, I whole heartedly agree with you. And then some. He needs to suck it up and provide. Good luck!

[deleted account]

I see....that is tough. It is impossible for you to work on 3-4 hours of sleep half the week as well. This arrangement will not work long.
You have 6 options, I would lay them out in writing to him and find best option together:
1. You find a way to cut more corners.
2. He goes to the rigs (I don't know what that is btw).
3. He gets a job that he enjoys, but that pays enough to support you.
4. You get a day job on the days he's off, instead of evening, (because you NEED sleep).
5. You can go back to work in the field you are educated in, and he can work nights at the pub.
6. You can go to work at the rigs and he can be a sahd.

I do agree with Lesa though, if you are both working outside the home, he needs to pick up some house work. Not just a little either, he should be putting forth as much as you are.

Also, somehow in my first read, I missed the part where you had an agreement with him. If he agreed to do something, then he should be held to it and you are right to be upset. That said, I still wouldn't force him to take a job he hates. Especially one that sounds as harsh as the one you described-- -40degrees! Sorry, they'd have to pay me about 2 million a year to do that! In other words, I wouldn't ask my husband to do anything I was not willing to do myself.

Erin - posted on 02/06/2011

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Kelly, I did cut back to just two nights a week :( It's not seeming to be working. We had a decent of enough talk and decided that if I can't pick up more hours at the pub I'm working at already that I'll contact the other bar and see if I can get in bartending there. I'll be able to make enough so that we can stay afloat and still be able to put money aside for things we need like windows. It just sucks because in all reality you have to spend money to work. Clothes, commuting and so forth. I know there will be meals out because I'm only working 2 nights a week and am wiped from that. An example day that I work would be... get up with kids at 730, do the house stuff and so forth then go to work at 8 or 9pm and work until 330 am. At least on the weekends I can sleep in a little, but then house work falls behind and it's daunting on monday when I turn from working mom to SAHM.

[deleted account]

Well, I'm a little torn on this...
I think it is wrong to make your husband take a job he would hate, because basically, you are asking him to take a job that he hates so that you do not have to do a job that you hate.
Plus, if he hates his job, he will not be happy, and you will have to deal with that when he is home.

If you were earning enough with both of you working before to pay off all of your debt and still make your mortgage, and now your debts are paid, why not just cut back on your own hours to one or two nights a week? You would still get to put your littles to bed all but 1-2 nights a week, and it would give your husband some special "daddy only" time with them.

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