Am I really being unfair?

Kristina - posted on 09/03/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

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So as we all know labor and delivery is exhausting. I don't think people understand that. My problem is I don't want visitors at the hospital and my husband does. I would like for them to wait until we got home with our newborn before they came to see us. My husband thinks I'm being unfair and has literally turned this into a fight. I think the time at the hospital is supposed to go to recovery and rest not visitation. I'm due in November right in the middle of flu season. Which is another reason I'm not wanting visitors. I'm pretty set on everyone waiting till we are home but my husband said he would take the baby from the room and let his family see him. Though if I tell the hospital prior to having the baby I don't want any visitors he wouldn't be able to do that either. He swears I have a problem with his family which I don't. We all get along wonderfully or so I thought. I know his family disapproves of me because he's said so himself. I just want to know if anyone else thinks I'm being unreasonable about the no visitors until we are home. Or am I right to ask him this.

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Christine - posted on 09/12/2016

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I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Considering the fact that you are the one that actually are giving birth so will be exhausted, sore and generally feeling like crap, it's unreasonable for him to demand you be uncomfortable to make his family happy. Why do they need to meet the baby at the hospital? It's not like babies expire so waiting a couple days for you to get some rest, bond as a family and establish breastfeeding (if that's what you are planning) shouldn't really be a problem. Plus it's not like you singled out his family, you said no visitors at all.
You really do need to get on the same page though. The last thing you want is to have unexpected visitors and then to resent your husband for not having your back. It sounds like he is trying to guilt you by saying you have a problem with his family so he can get what he wants. Talk to him and get him to understand this is your medical event and want just the two of you until you get home. Good luck!

Kristina - posted on 09/07/2016

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Hello everyone,

A big reason I'm not wanting visitors aside from the previous stated reasons is I have a heart defect called Dilated Cardiomyopathy. So this is going to cause a lot of stress on my heart and the doctor wants me to rest as much as possible. I personally feel like my husband is just trying to show off the baby with no consideration for myself or the baby. This is supposed to be a time for the 3 of us to get to know one another but he does not see it like that. I'm having a hard time understanding his need to flaunt the baby. This is my 3rd child. My ex husband understood this completely and didn't have a problem. His family understood this too. This is my husbands second child and I understand why he wants his family to see the baby right away because his ex wife has disappeared with his daughter and he has not seen or been apart of her life. His family has also not had a relationship with his daughter. Not for lack of trying we have a P.I. looking for them. So I know he wants them to in his life. I support that but I just don't see a reason for them to come to the hospital.

12 Comments

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Michelle - posted on 09/11/2016

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Shima has some good points.
Is it really worth causing trouble in your marriage? There needs to be give and take on both sides. Let your husband know that they can only visit for short periods and not too many at once.

Shima - posted on 09/09/2016

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Im telling you the truth i was in the same situation but stop fighting with him over his parents be smart do aomething that he will tell his family you see you guys are compeletly wrong about her she is so sweet and cares alot

Shima - posted on 09/09/2016

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Ok first congratulations.second just let them be in the hospital and i know its hard but be smart if you start arrgue to much with him for sure after the baby born he ignores you so much believe me and beside that let them to come and tell the nurse they can only be in my room for 10 min plz come and tell them that we have to rest

Danielle - posted on 09/07/2016

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Kristina,
After reading this post i definitely understand what your saying looking out for your health as well playd a big factor . I think what your saying is something i would do too if i was in that situaction....

Holly - posted on 09/07/2016

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I definitely agree that the two of you need to have a game plan before you go to have the baby, but I disagree that your husband is necessarily trying to rule over you. LOL I'm not sure how many children you've had already. However I have had 3, and a lot of the things I thought were terribly important at the time we're not really that important. You're not going to get a lot of rest at the hospital anyway because they're going to be waking you up for every reason under the sun. But I'm sure you have your own reasons for wanting to wait until you get home to have family there. Everybody situation is different. For instance, I personally prefer people to come to the hospital and not my home because I knew that I was going to be at home by myself and would not feel like picking up after all the family and the children that they were going to bring along. My ex-husband family weren't considerate and would come to be entertained. They had no consideration concerning the child's nap time and they all smoked. In my situation I knew the hospital staff would take care of any unruly children Ruff Housing around my baby without me having to hurt anyone's feelings. But your situation isn't mine. Maybe if you made a list of the reasons you want to wait until you get home and had him make a list of the reasons he wanted them to come to the hospital perhaps you would help each other to understand? I don't think you're being unreasonable at all but maybe he's not trying to be unreasonable either. Maybe just a difference of opinion

Danielle - posted on 09/06/2016

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Hi i read your post in i personally dont think its wrong of u to want wait till u get home. I think he should repect your opinion. It should be ur time in hospital with the delivery it wear u out i have two girls in my youngest is 2 years old in i remember like yesterday the headache i went through my nervous were all over the place. In i didn't get no sleep foreal beacuse of the company in wrong to tell to leave. Best to just to know what u both agree before going into the hospital!!!!!

Michelle - posted on 09/04/2016

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I do know the that little note, as you may see, I am the Administrator in this community.
I was saying that picking on this small aspect of someone's marriage has no indication that he is ruling over her.
As you get older and get into relationships, you will find out that fights can occur over small things, it doesn't mean that 1 person is more controlling than the other.
I would suggest that you actually answer the question that is posted. The OP didn't ask about the state of her marriage, she asked about having people visit her in hospital after having a baby.

Cecilia - posted on 09/04/2016

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I may not know what they have said in their vows exactly, but many (if not all and not word for word) vows mention respect and care. Also, why would you marry someone if they're always dictating over you? But, who am I to judge?

Michelle, I'm only trying to help! If you (or anyone for that matter) don't like the advice I give, you don't have to use it. Like I said 'I know I'm not experienced in this kind of stuff, but I try to help people with the knowledge I have, even if it's not super helpful.'
Did you even see the little note written in pink that sais 'Powered by RESPECT, not THUMPS'? Yeah, if you don't like me, then ignore me because I'm going to continue helping people. Why? Cause I'm a nice person.

Michelle - posted on 09/03/2016

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My reply here will be the same as on the welcome page:
If they were wanting to be in the delivery room I would agree with you but the family always wants to visit when you are on the ward. That's the best part of being the immediate family, getting that first cuddle.
Depending on what time of day you give birth and how long the labor is then you can ask them to wait a day but to deny all visits is very unreasonable.
The hospital if probably a better place for people to visit since they have hand sanitizer at every door, you don't have that at home.
Is this your first child? If so, you don't know how you are going to be after birth. I have gone home 8 hours after giving birth and looked after a toddler!

I will add that a 14yo has no idea so why would we take your advice? How do you know what people say in their vows? They could have written their own.

Cecilia - posted on 09/03/2016

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You're right to ask that of him! I'm no mom (14 years old) but even I know that if he can't respect your decisions, he doesn't deserve you. You deserve to be treated with respect and care, even when you're not sick or bearing a child. That is part of the marriage vow. If he's unfairly ruling over you, he's breaking that vow and the rings and ceremony meant nothing to him. But it's on only in the vow to respect each other and treat each other equally, it's the in Human Rights Amendment.
I know I'm not experienced in this kind of stuff, but I try to help people with the knowledge I have, even if it's not super helpful.

Sources:
My knowledge
I've gone to weddings and memorized part of the vows
Looking back at notes form my Government class

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