Am I Wrong?

Christi - posted on 05/20/2010 ( 186 moms have responded )

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So let me give you a little background. My son is 17 months and I have been a stay at home mom since he was born. It wasn't really a choice, but I couldn't find a job. I still can't find a job and so here we are. My husband works during the day then scorekeeps softball two days during the week and weekends. I contribute to bills and groceries from inheritance. I clean, cook, make sure all the bills are paid, run errands, make doctor appoinments and so on. My husband told me the other day that I am not entitled to an opinion when it comes to finances or things that involve important decisions because I do not punch a time clock. Needless to say, I hit the roof. Was I wrong to get mad?

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Vikki - posted on 05/21/2010

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Whoa!!! You were not wrong to get mad!! Have you ever watched the TV prog Wife Swap? Its corny but it works as it gives the other half a real perspective of what their other half lives. Our is a manual labour 24/7 job, husbands can often leave their job at work and relax when they get home. We get to relax when our eyes are closed - and even then we're in bed thinking of what our tasks are for the next day!



What does he consider important decisions? What your son eats? Whether he has clean clothes?



Seriously if you had to swap roles for even just 1 day, who would cope better? You in his job or he in your job? OK women are better at childcare, its the way we are made but thats not the point, are we going back to the dark ages where women had to protest for equal rights?



Nowadays they are thinking of changing the law so that if a couple divorce the woman is treated the same as the man, and doesn't necessarily "get half of everything" as she is seen more as an equal. So if the government are making that stance, your husband is getting it all wrong.



I love my job. I stay at home and look after my children and my family (which includes my mum and my sister), its a never ending job. I do feel uneasy sometimes about not being able to contribute financially, but the job we're doing is priceless. You absolutely CANNOT put a price tag on the value we bring to a family home.



Punching a clock is not the only way to support your family. If your family were rich, could afford every luxury, but had no cohesion as a family what would be the point of all that cash? Support is financial and emotional and a ton of other things, it cannot be boiled down to 'punching a clock' in order to have an opinion. I am getting a bit emotional now myself. I hope you find a way to put your point across to your husband, and I hope he can see the value in all that you do for him and your child.

Bethany - posted on 05/21/2010

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oh man, don't get me started! This is a material world where the $ rules. Or so alot of breadwinners think. He needs to consider the financial contribution you are making just doing what you're doing. Sit down and figure out how much it would cost to get someone in to clean, and someone to nanny and someone to cook and someone to shop (they exist you know).

We just do this stuff automatically, thinking we're not contributing, but we are, monumentally.

What an absolutely ridiculous thing for a grown man to say, and a husband, no less. That's love for ya. We really should nail those vows up on the wall, or on the back of the toilet door, you know, about loving and cherishing and protecting...

We don't punch a time clock because it NEVER ENDS.

Katey - posted on 05/27/2010

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NOPE!!!! I would have done the same thing. My husband works 8-10 hours a day as a contractor, he makes okay money. He always asks me if it's okay to get this or that, or if we can do this or do that. And if I tell him we can't afford, he don't question me. I clean, cook, do the doctors appointments, run his errands when he needs me to. You had every right to get mad. You should have told him that being a mom is a full time job. Because it is. My daughter is not even a month old yet, and I need help from him at night after working, and he helps.

Liz - posted on 05/27/2010

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Holy hell! No, you were NOT wrong to get mad! He has NO right to dictate like that. You are in a marriage as a partner, not a paid slave!

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, and if you at any time feel like you are being cornered, domineered or abused, get out and save yourself and your child!

Also, I would advise you to make sure that your inheritance money is ONLY in your name. Protect what assets you have.

Jennifer - posted on 05/27/2010

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All I can say is we'd be getting ALOT of overtime & we would bring home ALOT more $$$$$ then our spouses if we had to clock in because we would never clock out!!!! I felt bad when I was laid off after I had my triplets(2 girls & my boy) 20mos. old & to a certain extent my husband felt the same as your (not saying things that directly) but he would have some comments that would have been better left unsaid - It bothered me & I did explain that I understand all the weight of just paying the bills was extreme, but he gets his breaks, he goes & does all he wants w/o the babies in tow - I on the other hand have NOT slept in in way over 365 days, my breaks are cleaning & doing other tasks when they are asleep & trying to do that quietly is a task all in itself - I love my children & if not making dinner or cleaning up before he gets home doesn't happen, I'm ok with that & he just needs to get over it - our children grow up so fast & I feel priviledged that I can enjoy ever moment with them, get a new prospective on life thru their eyes. They are so beautiful & such a joy to be around I'm so glad I don't have to punch out, I'm glad it's neverending(sometimes) LOL -
My Suggestion : get a time sheet & write all you do, show it to him & see what he thinks it worth..... Have him write you a check & put it in the babys acct. maybe that will opens his eyes............
Like another said - you can't put a pricetag on raising your children, it is priceless...............
I love everything about being with them & I did get quotes from daycares & sitters showed it to my husband & said think it over, let me know if you really want me to go back to work......
Needless to say I have yet to rec. his answer :) Don't let him make you feel bad for doing what your doing - just know your not alone :) Enjoy your little man :)

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186 Comments

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Jamie - posted on 05/29/2010

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Your welcome! You are a hard worker, all of use moms are and its about time we get the recognition we deserve!

Crystal - posted on 05/29/2010

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i asked my husband if he ever or would ever tell me i didnt have a say with the money he said no because we are married and its our money

RENEE - posted on 05/29/2010

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hell no u are not wrong!!!! this makes me mad lol even if u did not have inheritance and wasnt making a dime u are his wife and mother to his child and u have a right to contribute to finances!!! omg i cant believe he said that to u . u stick to ur guns and stay mad about it and wouldnt do anything for him laundry, cooking grocery shopping (get only for u and your child) anything so he can see what u do. good luck ;)

[deleted account]

I believe that marriage is a covenant relationship, not a 50/50 contract. When you tied the knot with your spouse, your "rights" and his "rights" to the money or being selfish went out the door. Obviously, if this is his attitude, he seems to view you as some sort of slave labor that serves his needs, which is very WRONG. However, if you are doing the things you do in order to check a box and vindicate yourself, that would be wrong as well. It's really difficult for all of us living in a fallen sinful world to have the right heart attitudes sometimes. So even though your husband's attitude is sinful and wrong, you cannot change him...you can only take steps to love him while enforcing true boundaries. I would recommend reading the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Townsend...it has helped me alot in this area. My husband and I have had similar struggles, but thankfully after years of prayer and some counseling (for me dealing with other issues), God has been faithful to work on my husband's heart and mine, and we are seeing fruit in our marriage. He has softened in his control on the finances, and I have been able to forgive him and not retaliate in a way that is equally unloving...at least more often than not. :) So there is hope. Christi, I will pray for you in this difficult time.

Outi - posted on 05/29/2010

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wow.. Ive been a stay at home mom for about 8 y with a few part time jobs that lasted a few months two or three times.
I dont contibute at all monitarely, but just because i dont make it doesnt mean I sont have a say in how it gets used.
Its our money, not his, even if the check only has his name on it. In a few months i'm going back to work full time and that money too is ours to pay bills and get groceries and what ever we want to do with it.
I never undersood your money and my money when it came to marriage because marriage is about coming together and sharing your lives 9 and money) If my husband would have demanded separate accounts and keeping our money separate I never would have married him to avoid fights like you guys are having now.
So no, I dont think you were at wrong at all. Try telling him that since hes not home much he has no say in how to raise your kids and see how that goes over with him..lol

Camille - posted on 05/29/2010

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You were right to be mad and throw a big fit because you work. You work by staying home and taking care of your son. It is the most difficult job to be with the baby 24/7. It is mentally, physically exhausting. And it is worst if a stupid husband tells you you are not entitled to an opinion about finances. This is emotional abuse. Enough said!

Sarah - posted on 05/29/2010

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I too am a stay at home mum. I too would have hit the roof. Thankfully my husband has never questioned me staying at home. I think he sees the economics of the situation. I look after the finances and he earns the money. Point out all the things that you do while he is at work without being paid for them. Good luck with him

Angharad - posted on 05/29/2010

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I am a parent, cook, housekeeper, teacher, nurse,

handy man, maid, security coordinator, supervisor, manager, secretary,

nutritionist, caretaker, personal assistant, life coach, bookkeeper,

laundry maid, and a motivational speaker. I don't get holiday pay,

sick pay, or days off. I am on call 24... hrs a... day, 7 .........days a week but just call me mum if we did get paid we would be paid more than any man

Lakeisha - posted on 05/29/2010

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Not at all, I am all for keeping the peace at home but hubby's need to realize what we do everyday it a job, unfortunately they rarely do really appreciate it, I hope it all works out!

Julie - posted on 05/28/2010

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Not wrong to get mad! In fact, i'd say leave the Man before he starts to beat the crap out of you. Seriously, this is called conjugal violence and No one deserve it

Tia - posted on 05/28/2010

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You had EVERY right to get mad.. my mother never worked since before she met my dad, but her paying the bills and whatnot allows her to have an opinion.. now the funny true part is.. she has no opinion about the president and voting according to my dad is because she chose not to register for voting.
but once you start paying the bills.. you have every right to have an opinion.. just because you get paid for working don't mean shit. does he pay the bills? does he cook and clean, does he spend HOURS as a father or as a worker? you're a mother.. you have a full time job whether you have a job or not because a mother is 24/7 no sick days. just because you don't get paid doesn't mean anything

Christina - posted on 05/28/2010

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Absolutely not, you weren't wrong you are entitled to know where every penny goes, especially since you do contribute. Most couples do not really understand the full meaning and commitment of marriage. You become one in a marriage there is no yours or mines its ours and it belongs to us is the terminology. I hope both you and your husband realize this and recognize that the both of you are working equallly as hard in the marriage although in different capacities but it's what you both do that keeps your family intact and functioning on a daily basis. You couldn't do it without each other

Crystal - posted on 05/28/2010

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i think you had every right to get mad! i am also a stay at home mum to my daughter who is almost 17 months, my partner works all week and pays our rent. i stay at home with the baby do the cooking, cleaning even mow the lawns, i also pay the foxtel, internet, power bill and the food bill and chip in for petrol, but lately if i mention anything about having a bad day he has a mental at me about all i do is sit at home with the baby while hes out working and if i try to defend myself, its almost as if he black mails me for not having a job, even tho without a job i still manage to pay for bills then he does AND do everything around the house and for the baby. men are simply idiots at times just try and talk it out with him calmly?

Erin - posted on 05/28/2010

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You were definitely not wrong to get mad about that. I have to wonder if he really meant that or if he was just angry about something else. Make sure he knows that you want just as much say as he has.

Les - posted on 05/28/2010

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We are a family with 5 children: 3 in school, 2 at home. Yeah, my husband tried that before. So, I got an overnight job. He had to take care of crying babies at night and getting the kids ready in the morning. Boy, was he tired & more crabbie. He'll still say stuff & I tell him that I will be glad to get a job, but it'll have to be at night.

I did the calculations for 24/7/365 making minimum wage to be around $54,000.00 yearly for a SAHM.

Marsheric - posted on 05/28/2010

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Not at all!!!! A mothers work is never done. We don't get paid for what we do. Being a full time at home mom does not pay off until later. These husbands of ours sholud at least for 1 year stay at home and do what we do. Cook, clean, wash and still contribute with what we get to the household. He needs to respect that you are a huge say so when it comes to all decisions that affect the household. Remember, a marriage is a joint union where two people have come together under a covenant. That covenant is all about decisions... decisions that affect the whole family.

[deleted account]

I think you should get him to read these posts!
I think you're well with within your to be annoyed.
Good luck

Anja - posted on 05/28/2010

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no you have every right to be upset... i think it was very disrespectul and rude of your husband to say that

Sonia - posted on 05/27/2010

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You weren't wrong at all to get mad. I think Dad's out there think that since your a stay-at-home mom you don't really DO anything. But by GOD are they wrong. I'm kind of in the same boat your in. I was laid off in April and I have a 6 month old. My boyfriend sometimes comes home and I'm like "Babe, you need to take the baby for an hour. He needs to be fed and I think he may need a diaer change." He says" Well I worked all day and I just want to relax.' So I made sure I gave him a piece of my mind. #1 Being a Parent is not just a few hour job. Its ALL DAY EVERYDAY!! and 2 if this was a job I woulr be making a Hell of alot more than what you are!!

I think Dads get the idea that since were home we get to relax because we don't have a physical job to go to and boss's to answer to. But boy oh boy. A child is your Boss and the work place is home.

Just let your husband know that being a Mommy isn't an 8hr punch in job but it is a job--and even if you have a job (Good luck on the job hunting =]) you still have to come home and be a Parent becasue thats a 24 hour job with no Holidays or Weekends. and theres alway overtime!!

Dahlia - posted on 05/27/2010

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Even my husband said that way out of the line...If you not there who will take care of him and kids and bill and almost every thing at home....Sometimes you need to make your stand...

Crystal - posted on 05/27/2010

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i am sorry when u get married everything is ours not his and hers i have been a sahm for 3 yrs my husband has never said that to me i take care of everything and our daughter plus my husband is in the army so i have to deal with the stress of being an army wife and raising our daughter by myself when he is gone

Nicole - posted on 05/27/2010

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OH HELL NO!!!! a marraige isn't about who works more, who makes more, or who does more!!!! it's about working together!! he gave up his right to make important decisions on his own the day he said I DO!!!!! You do allot it sounds like, so that is your contrabution. if he wants to put it that way, make a price for everything and if he doesn't pay you don't do it!! LOL

Valerie - posted on 05/27/2010

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hell no! excuse my language. but you were not wrong to get upset! stay strong girl!

[deleted account]

Oh, hell no he didn't. Even my husband would go crazy over that. You gave birth to his child and work your ass off taking care of the house, the bills and your kid. I be darn if I would let my man talk to me that way. I would be taking my money and sticking it in my pocket, sitting down and say "You do it all then!" My husband knows he couldn't do as wonderful of a job I do and I don't even do all that you do. I get half the bills and I take care of the house and kids. I get one of his two jobs pay checks so I can buy diapers and things for the kids. He knows what I spend my money on and I know what he spends his on.

Pam - posted on 05/27/2010

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Obviously, he makes the money, but how it is spent effects you and your child as well. I would have been super pissed. It would be like you telling him, he has no say in the decisions you make for your son. Caring for a toddler is hard..I had 2 at a time. Maybe you need to remind him, that when you got married, you, in other words, agreed to be partners, and to share EVERYTHING. Personally, if it was me, and I had my own money, I would find a place of my own to go, but we all know, when you have a child, things aren't that easy. Or, if he is going to act like that, use the money for bills, and use it on yourself and son..make him pay for everything, and see how he can keep up with it all then..LoL. Good luck to you, and I hope things can be worked out

Tanya - posted on 05/27/2010

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Hubby's got problems!!! Sorry to say- NOT UNLIKE A LOT OF HUSBANDS! Sweetheart you just know that you hold as much of a right as he does on ANY financial front simply because your his wife PERIOD!!! No matter if you contribute to the finances or NOT! Hubby needs a wake up call some how some way!

Allie - posted on 05/27/2010

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I'm sorry but just because he is the one who brings in the money, doesn't mean he is the one who is better with financial planning. Technically, if paid, stay-at-home-moms would earn $134,121 per year. I hate how there are certain people who just don't understand how much we really do work. Everyone is entitles to an opinion. Finances are a joint decision, especially since you are contributing from your inheritance. Maybe you two need to go into some counseling, even if it is financial counseling. That will help with BOTH of you deciding where money goes.

[deleted account]

Um no! Men are not good with change and unfortunately their schedules with a baby dont change much at all and us woman are expected to do most of the work. Besides its not like you dont wanna punch a time clock but having the work load of everything else doesnt make it exceptionally easy to get much more done. He needs to understand that you do work, 24hrs a day. Lets be honest here you are probably the one who gets up when baby cries as he stay snuggled in bed all nice and warm right? I say quit wearing the skirt as men say and put on the pants sister, if my man ever spoke like that to me, that would be the end. I am not a broompusher and deserve the respect I give. Wow! you handled it a lot better than I ever would, but my man also knows not to let stupidity fall out his mouth.

Cheraki - posted on 05/27/2010

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Absolutely not...When you enter into a marriage you become one. When he punches the time clock so do you..I would have more than hit the roof I might have hit him..but seriously you are entitled to anything that has to do with your home. Since you to are contributing to the income your opinion is just as important if not more than his since you are doing all the other things.. all he's doing is punching a time clock and leaving you to do everything else...He should walk in your shoes on one of your really busy days and see if his attitude changes. I am appaled that he even had the nerve to say that to his not only his wife but the mother of his child. I would give him a reality check.. I would tell him fine since your opinion on "important" financial things isn't very important to him I would not contribute to the bills.. I would put it away in a bank account with only your name on it.. and see after a couple months how he feels about your opinions then.

Good Luck and best wishes

Claire - posted on 05/27/2010

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Hiya

no you were not wrong to go mad i would be the same if my partner had said that to me!!

The men dont understand how much work it is to look after a child 24/7 i am the same i look after my 14 month old daughter and my partner cos out to work and a clean the house make the dinners and do the washin noone will understand the work it take to look after the children till u do it yourself so i think that u n ur husband really need to talk and make him understand how much u do in the house!!! u go out for the day and leave ur son with ur husband and see how he copes and then he will have a understandin on how much u do

Jaime - posted on 05/27/2010

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HELL NO! You were right to hit the roof. You have a much harder job than him and you are contributing...you pay bills, you said so yourself! Not to mention you work longer hours so he can stuff a sock in it!

[deleted account]

Definatley not! Just becuase you dont get paid for your job doesnt mean that you dont work. And you are more than entitled to have an opinion about finances. You are the mother, finances ensure the well being of you and your child. Also, if you are helping pay bills with inheritence, does that not prove that you have a say in the money matters? Not only that, you are married, therefore everything he makes is yours too. And vice versa! He does not need to be selfish the way that he is. Put your foot down !

Cara - posted on 05/27/2010

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Oh And I would also be quite tempted, since you "don't punch a time clock", to begin writing down what time you get up in the morning and what time you finally go to bed, I'd keep track of everything I did that day. Then at the end of the week add up all the hours you put in. I'd also stop doing stuff for a while just to prove that I put my time in and that I DO NOT deserve to be treated as if I am less than him.

Cara - posted on 05/27/2010

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You were in no way wrong to get mad. I would have been livid. As a stay at home mom I don't get the option to bring money in for us, but my husband and I both agree that me staying home was what is best for our daughter. We still make our decisions together and whenever there's something I need I get it. In a marriage things are supposed to be shared. Just because you aren't out pulling the money in doesn't mean that you are less than him. Sounds more like he has a control problem. And I would also make the point to him that if you are at work then your child will be in day care, and depending on the job you may be better off just staying at home.

Tracy - posted on 05/27/2010

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My husband often made comments about the fact that I don't contribute to the house financially and that is the stem of many of our arguments. My solution was for one week to keep track of my hours that I "worked", you know, doing the household chores and everything that a "housewife" is expected to do. At the end of the week I showed him the "invoice". While we still have arguments about how "lucky" I am to stay home (which I do agree to an extent, because it is what I want to do), he now understands how hard I do work and all the things I do, without complaining. You are not wrong at all for being upset. You contribute to your family just as much as he does, if not more.

Sarah - posted on 05/27/2010

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Hell no you were not wrong...sometimes men just dont understand how much work that we do at home...its like shit i dont just sit around eatting bon bons all day! I told my husband i would trade lives with him for one day and see how he handles cleaning and laundry and the kid and everything else lol needless to say he passed lol you r just as important as he is maybe even more so

Stacy - posted on 05/27/2010

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Your husband is wrong to tell you that. You are working as much as he is. I am a stay at home because I have special need children and my husband in the military. He try to say that to me and my mom told him that I was working as much as him or more because I am making sure the home keep running. Maybe you should tell your husband how about you do my job for week alone with working your job and see if you can handle everything since I am not working.

Sara - posted on 05/27/2010

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I dont feel you was wrong for getting mad.After all you do pay the bills and so on and little does he know you have a full time job.Being a stay at home mom is a full time job.I have 5 kids and oneon the way and I have been a stay at home mom for a few years and then got a job a lilltle over a year ago and when my 1 year old wa born never went back and my husband likes it that way.I think as a married couple that you should have a say in everything.My husband and I do everything together.Way to make a stand!

[deleted account]

Nope! You are entitled to be treated as an equal partner in all things related to your marriage, home, family, and finances. No one partner has more say than any other or it is not a real marriage.

Samantha - posted on 05/27/2010

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Screw that. My husband used to do that as well, until I set his ass straight, so to speak. I'm a stay at home to my daughter, plus two other children that are my husband's. I do the wash, the cooking the everything. So you have every right to be pissed off your husband would say something like that. Set him straight. You may not get paid doing what you do, but who else is going to do it. Because most men? Don't want to be bothered with that business. The decisions your husband makes impacts you, your children and your life as a family. So he better realize and learn that even if you don't work, you're still keeping your family taken care of, though with no paycheck.

Ella - posted on 05/27/2010

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No that's absolutely absurd! To me that might be lines for separation until he got over his shovenistic ways.

Lorraine - posted on 05/27/2010

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That is crazy, your husband would want to wake up and smell the coffee. Your his wife, a housekeeper, that does all his washing and ironing, and maid if I say so myself, you pay the bills and still your not entitled to opnion of importances, he needs a good shake. Sorry jsut really annoyes me.

[deleted account]

SO NOT WRONG! My husband and I know that regardless of who is bringing the money into the house it is our money and we make all decisions together. hope things work out for you.

Laura - posted on 05/27/2010

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WOW, your not wrong at all. I'd be floored if my husband said that to me. It's wrong for him to have said that to you. You should tell him how you feel for one. We may home all day but we do a lot, more then them going to work. They get breaks we never do we are on the go all the time. Your a team and have to stay that way if your going to make it as husband and wife. Your his wife and your opinion matters a lot, your not a housekeeper and a babysitter. I'm mad at him and I don't even no you or him. I'm sorry he said that to you. Men just don't think before they say things. Tell him there needs to be more teamwork, good luck.

Gina - posted on 05/27/2010

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No ma'am. You are entitled to your feelings. My problem is similar however, i reiterate that being a parent/mother is 24/7. Jsut because you do not punch a time clock doesn't mean that you are not working. As you described in your post you are making sure this and that is done, on the phone making appts, transporting, cooking, cleaning, running errands, you are basically holding the fort down. All the details that you describe are JOBS, the only difference is you are doing them from your home and you know who is in charge in a sense your son because you are making sure that everything is taken care of financially, emotionally, physically you name it. I guarantee that if you give all of YOUR DUTIES to your husband, oh boy he would be careful of what he says the next time. You are entitled to have ownership of your feelings!

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