Anger issues how do you cope?!!

Cristina - posted on 01/12/2011 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I am the mom of an extremely hyper boy who wont sit for one second, aside from that I have noticed that I have myself anger issues that get from bad to worse in an instant I tell my self that I need to control it but when the time comes to blow up I just burst, the smallest things would set me off, I'm tense all the time my back is always tense and it literally hurts me all day everyday, I have spanked my son in one of the anger episodes and its leaves me so drained and feeling like the worse person in this earth he doesn't deserve to get the sour end of things I made an appointment with a psychiatrist and I'm awaiting the appointment date, worried that she will tell me to take some meds for this, that I'm nuts and that I should never have more children, I honestly need more help at home with my son, I'm with him all day everyday, while I cook, clean do laundry and mow the lawn run errands and many other things, all that while keeping my son from killing himself as he runs without looking leaps from high places and such.
Please I need some advice as to how to get a hold of my life again. I was such a different person before I got married and had a child, could it be a chemical imbalance after birth?

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Alicia - posted on 01/16/2011

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How old is your son? Just curious... mine is 18 months, and only in the last few months have I been able to get a grip on my anger problem. It's a good idea to talk to your doctor/psychiatrist about this issue, because if they DO tell you to take meds, it should help. I told my doc about my severe anger reactions to my son, and was prescribed medicine, but I didn't take bc I was afraid the issue was just with me, bc I had a ton of things I was angry about (aside from just my child's behavior), and so I was afraid the medicine wouldn't have made a difference. Now, I think my hormones (or whatever the issue was) have balanced out, and looking back, I wish I would've taken some medicine, bc the issue was NOT just me.
Of course, there are other issues as well that medicine will not fix--things throughout your day that make you angry, and will make it harder to deal with your child. Considering how you are the sole caretaker of your child, and after reading your other response with how your husband expects you to take care of your son even when he's home, it's easy to misplace your anger at your hubby and your anger at the situation you've been placed in and take it out on your son when he acts out. Being a mom is SO much harder than anyone really talks about (aside from jokingly, usually). You have a demanding child that forces you to constantly drop what you're doing to keep him from killing himself, or to deal with his temper tantrums (It's like we're reduced to a slave like existence for our kids). We used to be as independent as our husbands, working (or not, but by choice), able to go out without worrying about a child, but now we have this mini boss... and if our husbands are not properly supportive, it feels unfair, because although yes, they may have to work to support us... at least they still have that freedom. THEY do not have to feel like a servant to their child daily, and by choosing to not help out with the child when they are home, it is almost like they're flaunting the fact that they can choose what they want to do...but we're stuck in our role bc, ultimately, we WILL take care of our child. Storing up anger from that makes it hard to differentiate between the anger that comes from being 'stuck' in this role without proper help, and anger when suddenly your child acts out. You should try talking to your husband and get him to see that your son is HIS responsibility just as much as yours, and that his having a job does not make him exempt from helping out when he's home. Your child is not your job, and he needs to realize that. I hope I'm not completely off on the problem here... I'm just speaking from personal experience and what I've dealt with. I know what it's like to deal with extreme anger towards my child, feeling like I'm the only one, and feeling like I'm a monster bc I've acted out on my anger.
(sorry I wrote a book!! haha)

Melissa - posted on 05/01/2012

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I struggle a lot with Anger myself and finally have learned to look my kids in the eye whenever I speak to them. I have to tell them to look at me but it makes a huge difference! It is a lot harder to look in their eyes and lose control.

Erica - posted on 01/16/2011

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If he's working so much can't you pay a neighborhood boy like $10 to mow the lawn for you once a week? I know where I'm from we always have young boys knocking on the door asking if they can mow our yard for a small fee. That would take at least that responsibility off your shoulders! Sounds like your not angry with your son to me. Your angry with your spouse for not helping around the house. My husband works a lot like yours only he rotates from days to night and is on mando almost every other day off. (which means he has to go in the moment they call) But he does the laundry, mows the lawn, helps with our 1 child, walks the dog, and anywhere else I may need him! So it sounds to me like your hubby needs a wake up call. If your expected to work 24/7 why isn't he?

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Joy - posted on 05/01/2012

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i understand where you are coming from,you are not alone.however thankful i am for my children it just makes my anger worse..I cant grasp myself.my husband works and so when he gets home he needs his time to relax so I hope one of theese days he will say okay honey put your feet up im taking the kids out for a bit..Sometimes you get so angry you start jumbling your words. I wanted to be a stay at home mom until my daughter learned how to walk..I applaud you though considering that you are at least trying to get help. Hang in there momma...Take a break, i understand hyperactivity especially with my 5 year old...

good luck,

Alicia - posted on 01/18/2011

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This is definitely something alot of women experience! I have talked to many moms and they are about to lose their minds or ready to snap! Me, also being one of them! I, too, was a very different person before my husband and I had our son! He's 5 yrs old now and i will NEVER have anymore kids! EVER!!! and my husband feels the same way. Not because of our child, he's a wonderful kid, I get compliments on his manners, behavior, and how good he is and how he sits and waits when told, quietly most of the time. I cant believe how awesome he is! But we dont want anymore for the simple fact of how hard life gets once you have kids and how exhausted you become. How you NEVER get to stop until it's bedtime, how much tension from it all it puts on a couple's relationship! Our son is our world, but I always advise against having kids, never said anything around my son of course. I dont want him to think we dont love him or arent happy with him. But having a kid changes everything. Spending more time sad, mad, exhausted, frustrated, and to your wits ends, than you are happy! And it all builds up to a point of explosion, which is often why kids get abused. I have never abused my son, but he did get raised with spankings, and still does occassionally. My husband and I were both raised that way, and there IS a difference between abuse and a spanking.....Anyway, if you have to spank, then spank. I know it's hard to not feel bad about it, my husband and I both do too. But take a look around at the kids of today and wonder why they are so out of hand...because 95% of them arent getting some kind of discipline! I watched a little girl, about 7 yrs old, in the store the other day, kick, hit, scream, and cry at her mother because she wasnt getting what she wanted, then she pushed the buggy over. And all the mother did was pick her up, while the little girl continued to kick and hit her, and walk out to her car. My 5 yr old son looked at me and said, "that girl shouldnt be acting like that! her momma should bust her butt!".....I said , " that's right! you would never act like that would you?" he said, "no!" I said, "I know and that's what makes you a geat kid! cause you know better!", I also told the mother, she was more than welcome to spank that little girl, cause she needed it! ...Sorry to ramble.....but now that our son is older and knows the difference between right and wrong, we dont spank as much, and when we get upset with him, we make him sit in his chair in the hall, facing away and tell him to think about what he has done, then after he sits there for about 10 minutes, we talk with him face to face, in the eyes, no tv on, no distractions, so he understands why we are upset. Not to mention, that time he is sitting and thinking, gives us time to calm down as well! lol! Every parent has the right to get upset and angry! Having kids is the hardest thing on the face of this planet and the only thing to come without instructions, because every child is different! Nothing in this world can prepare you for life with a child! Just try to stay calm, breathe, and walk outside or into another room if you have to, scream into a pillow if you need to, it's all normal and perfectly ok!

Ginger - posted on 01/17/2011

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It could be a number of different things, post partum, chemical imalance, depession, anxiety issues, etc. I's not uncommon I should know, I have 3 wild active REDHEADS with severe ange issues. I know that it is partly my fault for no having a handle on my own anger and self-control. I always knew that I would be a good Mom someday, and couldn' t wait for my husband and I to have our first. 3 years afer we were married we finally had our daughter and it was perfect for a couple of months. I sarted getting so irritataed so easily. I wasn't the Mom I thought I would be already. But I continued on like nothing to avoid fights with my husband over it. When my middle son was born I felt even worse I tried talking to a doctor and taking meds but I had an issue then with taking pills, my Mom was going through the worst pain pill addiction and it was ruining my family so I never took anything long enough to see if it worked.. Well to shorten this some my youngest is now 5 and we have been through an emotional rollercoaster that has taken its toll on my kids and they have totally picked up some of their issues from mine, and its so hard to see.. I realize now that there is a difference etween a pill once a day to calm me down or help is no going to turn me into my mother. I think I have grown up alot in the past few years and have overcome so muh also, kids are not easy! I still struggle an I too am afrai that one will hurt the other or will get hut because of how rough they are but kis will be kids, thats what they say, right? All I know is that we will get through it one way or another and so will you. Your not a bad Mom or person. At least you have seen there is a problem and are willing to do what it takes to see it through.. Good Luck.. (sorry so long i get caried away sometimes, its a good release tho..LOL)

Heather - posted on 01/17/2011

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Everyone has times where anger gets the best of them... I can admit I have had days where my eight month old just makes me so angry that at times I could swear I have room in the freezer but I don't. My step sister has the poster child for hyper activity. He managed to lodge a plastic ball through a balcony window when the window was closed. He has set the kitchen on fire twice and flushed four sets of house keys down the loo. He is three and sometimes I wonder why he is not black and blue. Your not nuts.. you are just a mom who is passionate about being a mom that things stress you out a little more. Eight months old, three years, or Sixteen children are designed to piss us off. It's natures way of paying us back for the crap we put our parents through. :) Just remember that broken things can be fixed, you can always find the cat or dog, and cake does come off of your ceiling. If you have to put yourself on a time out. Take 15 minutes and just breathe. It's ok to be you and get angry. If every time someone's kid stuck a cheese sandwich in the dvd player or game system, their mom didn't want to punt them out the window. I would be worried. My step sister has a motto with her kid that she can always scoop the playdoh out of stinky the $80 garbage truck at the end of the day. My motto with my son is that no matter how many times he bites the cat or dumps dvd's on the floor ( I have 3000 imagine the cleanup... ) There is nothing that a hug can't fix. Mom might be mad but when he turns sixteen... mom can get even :)

Candy - posted on 01/17/2011

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Maybe you need to look into a part time job and daycare.Some woman can stay at home and others cant. Maybe if you had sometime away once a week or so you could control your self better. A chemical imbalance is not a bad thing. You may need some meds for a short time. I went to anger management class and it did me a WORLD of good. You might look to see if there is one in your neighborhood. You and your husband need to get on to same page. He needs to listen and talk to you. Make a dinner and sit down quietly and talk about the way you are feeling. You have to tell him what is going on inside you and your home. It will get to the point that you blame him for everything and your marriage will fail. He has to know that.Good luck

Debbie - posted on 01/16/2011

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I remember telling a friend of mine that I don't contribute financially to our household now that I am home looking after kids and she got stuck into me about it. She said that if I wasn't around, doing all that I do, and my husband had to employ a cleaner, cook, child minder, laundry person, etc, etc... he wouldn't be able to afford me!!!! BTW, I got so sick of my lawns being the over grown ones that I have started mowing them myself too!!!

Cristina - posted on 01/16/2011

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Thanks ladies, I now feel like I'm not alone in this.

Alicia, thank you, you hit the nail on the head, that is exactly how I feel, now the thing with this man I married is that when I do try to talk to him about the situation he makes it look like I'm talking unfairly towards him, like if I don't appreciate what he does, I do but I honestly don't think that HE appreciates my job although I do not get paid, if there were a pay for our job as mom it would be in the millions, they couldn't afford it! Dang it! Just thinking about it makes me angry! Your right, it's him, plus my financial situation does not help either.

Debbie - posted on 01/16/2011

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Yes, if someone has the miracle cure - please share 'cos I need it too!!! One thing I can share is that the more rested, relaxed and happy that I am within myself, really makes a huge differnce to my anger levels and how short my fuse seems to be with my kids. Self care is a real tough one, especailly when you are home with children. But it has really become evident to me that if I can take some small steps to take care of myself, it actually allows me to take better care of my family.
Also, anger can be a result of lots of other underlying isses (as others have mentioned). Anger can some times be coming from a place of fear, depression, anxiety. This can be helped with conselling as well as meds. But don't jump to any conclusions about that as we are all different. Just know that you are not alone in this. And if you ever feel like your anger is getting out of your control and may be heading towards you hurting yourself or you child, seek help straight away. Hang in there!!

Stifler's - posted on 01/16/2011

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he's off for a week, there's time enough to mow the lawn! tell him to stop making excuses and do it. my husband works 50 hour weeks and he still has to do it on the 2 days he has off bahahahaha

Pamela - posted on 01/16/2011

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i have two boys one is 2.5 yrs. old and the other is 9 months and my 2 yr old is crazy sometimes i can't even blink with out him doing something he shouldn't so i know what you mean you can only take so much and when i get to that point i fine that taking deep breaths and counting to 10 can help and if that doesn't work i make my kids laugh i also always have 1 hr of quiet time a day were my son has to sit quietly and play or watch a movie it gives me time to do the work thats hard to get to

Cristina - posted on 01/16/2011

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No I'm married, but my husband works 6 days out of 7, 5am to 10pm sometimes then he gets a week off in between, but even on his days off he just lays around doing absolutely nothing, just investing in the market and he wont even get up when the baby gets in his stuff, he just call out to me( no matter what I may be doing) I have to get over and get the baby out of trouble, witch is almost every minute. So anyway, I mow the lawn cus, I hate to see the house a mess when all my neighbours are tidy with their.

Rosie - posted on 01/13/2011

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I think all us stay at home mums are in the same boat.... we all get fed up of being at home cooking and cleaning :( I get bored at home all day on my own with Georgia and don't really have many friends, so i looked up local play groups in my area now on a wednesday afternoon we go and Georgia gets 2 play with other children and i get 2 talk 2 other mums... Maybe he's bored and thats why he run riot?? We all get angry we are only human... Good luck.

Jessica - posted on 01/12/2011

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When you have the answer please post it on here for the rest of us with our cranky pants on =) My daughter is only 9months old at the moment so i can walk out of the house and up to the letter box without her getting into too much trouble. I put my little girl into daycare for one day a week and it got alot easier. I do little bits through the week on the house and then on fri i only have to do a little bit here n there then the day is mine =) Its nice to get a break from them and my girl loves daycare. She gets to make mess and noise all day long

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