Another baby out of guilt?

April - posted on 11/21/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I am 21 years young, my husband and I just had our first son Aidyn about 8 months ago. I was set to breastfeed and had no intention on bottle feeding at all! Then BAM I gave birth and they said he was having some difficulty breathing. I was already crying. They told me it might have been from his weight (8lbs 5oz) he was a big boy. Or it could have been the perscription Zolof I was taking for anxiety. Therefore I could not breast feed! I was set into depression from that point. I pumped and dumped for a while and that made my anxiety and depression worse. I quit sadly after only a week. I feel guilty for not sharing the bond I wanted desperately, he also has a cows milk allergy, and I know I could have given him comfort with the correct food made for him. Im about to cry now! So I don't know what to do about this guilt. It wont go away and I think about it every day. I thought of having another baby to exerience this but then feel more guilt because having another baby doesnt seem like the right way to go about this. My body still need to heal from my first kid too. I have mirena so no accdents can happen, and my husband says no no no! "We can't afford another baby" He says this bc he hates buying 35 dollar a can formula for his allergies. I would be breast feeding so it would be a 0 dollar cost.... I need some help to easy my mind please and thanks :)

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Tracy - posted on 11/24/2012

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Having another kid will not alleviate the guilt in the slightest. Each kid and each pregnancy is a unique experience. If one kid died, would another replace the experience you had with the first? Never. So how could a new pregnancy experience with a new child change the first experience? It wouldn't. Maybe, one day when it's about bringing another life into the world, having another child would be a great idea. But for the reasons you are thinking now, it's not a good idea. And how do you know you can breastfeed the second child for certain? Weren't you just as certain you would breastfeed this first child too? What you need to do is let go of the idea that breastfeeding is the only way to go. I was pretty serious about breastfeeding my first but couldn't product enough milk. I was certain that if I had another child (which ended up being 12 years later) that I would breastfeed that one. The whole pregnancy I was preparing to breastfeed and bond. I couldn't produce enough milk again and she had trouble with her stomach accepting any foods. I tried and tried to breastfeed for two months. I cried when I thought about giving up because I felt I was failing her. Yet I cried and cried because I had to feed almost 24/7 and STILL supplement with formula. I finally did give up around 2 1/2 months. I felt like a failure. I can tell you now that after about the first week or so it was such a relief. My husband could help out, I could sleep and I could spend time doing things OTHER than crying and feeding. Now she is 3 years old and her brother is 15. Whether I breastfed either of them doesn't mean a lick to me. I kind of wish I could have, but I realize that in some situations it just doesn't work out and realizing that is VERY important to your mental health. Don't buy all the "breast is best" crap to the point that you are miserable. It's a great start for your kids BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT, both of my kids are super smart (not mommy's opinion, everyone else's opinion), mature, well behaved, yadda yadda yadda... My son and I have a close bond in certain ways, but he's always been super independent but my daughter, who is equally independent, loves to cuddle and I can never get her off of me - to the point I have to send her with hubby out of the house just so I can have 10 minutes without her touching me! :) They are both bonded to me and me to them. It's not all about the breastfeeding time for bonding - it's about demonstrating in 1000 ways that you are there for them when they want/need you. The only way to do that is over time and with consistency. They won't remember or care about the breastfeeding in the long run. They will care if you pick them up on time and hug them even when they run away screaming "ewwwww!!!!"



Please sweety, don't let this eat you up. I did and was miserable for months. I promise, if you can give this idea of what you wanted a release - let it all go and accept what is real - you will never regret it in the long run. You will enjoy your child SOOOO much more. Forgive the situation AND YOURSELF so that you can enjoy this very limited time in your child's life.

Angela - posted on 12/11/2012

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I think you missed the point of my post. I was trying to make it clear that your baby needs your motherly care far more than he needs your milk. Compare an unhappy mother that's breastfeeding (and finding it a real struggle) as opposed to a happy, relaxed mother that's formula feeding - which baby gets the better "vibes" from Mommy?



There really ARE breastfeeding bullies - there are also people who are very opposed to breast feeding and try to convince every breastfeeding mother they meet to transfer to bottle feeding. It's bad to be a breastfeeding bully, it's bad to be a formula pusher. Each mother makes a choice according to her own health, circumstances etc .... Other people should butt out.



You were left with no choice but to bottle feed. I'm really sorry if that took away a breastfeeding experience you were looking forward to but your baby needs your love more than your milk. Don't feel guilty.



Your post reads as though you feel you failed your baby - you didn't. But it also sends an insidious message to every mother reading this that formula feeds her child.

Toni - posted on 12/02/2012

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Hi April, I really think that maybe you need to speak to your gp about post natal depression. It's very normal to have grief about certain aspects of birth or loss of expectations but not to the point that you seem to be feeling. Please get help and move forward.

April - posted on 11/27/2012

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Im sorry but your advice has no meaning to me. You could breastfeed your kids. If anyone's the bully its you dear.... you don't know what the hell its like so I'd appreciate it if you would get the pole out and see that this is tearing me apart. The reasons you have listed to be the reasons why you breastfed seem very selfish to me. I'm thinking of my child. Your thinking about yourself! That sort makes me sick.

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Elizabeth - posted on 12/19/2012

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I know what you are talkign about. With the last baby that I had, i was intent on breastfeeding. I had to try to pump for a while becasue she was in the hospital, when i finally got her home i still couldnt get her to latch on. I was able to pump for like 2 weeks and then my milk supply just dried up on me. I felt the same way that you do. I realized that i didnt have to give her my milk to make it right. She to was on a special formula, and the bond that i got from just holdong and feedign her and her gaing the good weight make her perfect. I would notblame yourself for not being able to breast feed. Some people just cant and sometimes a baby is not able to becasue of a helath condition.

Mom - posted on 12/10/2012

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I have 5 children and I couldn't breast feed them.I didn't feel bad about it.I held and snuggled them when they had their bottle and it makes a strong bond with Mommy and baby.It is the love and closeness that matters most.My children grew well and were good and healthy.A lot of mothers don't breast feed for all kinds of reasons.Some just don't want to.It doesn't make them any less a great mother.So quit feeling guilty!

Angela - posted on 11/27/2012

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Bringing a human being into the world just to get the breastfeeding experience you missed out on doesn't seem like a great idea! What if you felt even more guilty because your second child was breastfed and obviously your first child was not?



All my own children are grown-up now. They were breastfed (all 4 of them). This wasn't so I could offer them the best food and a nutritious start in life, it wasn't so they would be protected by my immunities or so I would apparently "bond" with them faster. It was merely for my own convenience plus the vain hope I might lose weight a bit more quickly after the birth.



I really despise the notion that breastfeeding mothers are "better" mothers than those who bottle-feed. Breastfeeding (or formula milk feeding) only lasts for a short time out of the whole of an individual's life. If you can breastfeed your baby, well that's great - but don't make other parents feel guilty because their kid happens to be formula-fed.



Banging on about your disappointment that you were unable to breastfeed gives a message to formula-feeding mothers that they've "failed" in some way. Don't ever be a breastfeeding bully!



http://pregnant.thebump.com/new-mom-new-...

April - posted on 11/21/2012

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Thank you for your post :) Yes hes 8 months old now and is using less formula and WIC said we make too much??? I know that having another baby won't solve this problem but I really can't seem to let go of the guilt. I have heard of re-lactation and I would love to give him the milk made for him. I also researched some pills to kick start lactation for adoptive moms. He never was breastfed and he seems to HATE my breasts when I do try to put him to it. Even if I can give him some from a bottle I think I will feel a little better. Have you heard of re-lactation?

Krystle - posted on 11/21/2012

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Have you considered WIC for helping with the formula?



Also, I had a hard time stopping breastfeeding my son and daughter but I had to go back to school and pumping and feeding was draining me physically and emotionally. I stopped with both at 6 months and I felt SOOO guilty!! You can't beat yourself up about it, if you couldn't breastfeed then it's not your fault! Some choose not to just because at least you really wanted to try!



Having another baby before you're ready and before you and your hubby agree that you're ready it will cause more stress for you both plus you can't see the future and the new baby may have some issues or you may have some issues that prevent you from breastfeeding again! There are SO many other ways to bond with your baby! You can still do skin-to-skin contact and cuddle together or you can use a sling and go on walks so you feel close or take a warm bath together!



Your baby is healthy and you are both together that's the most important thing! Don't feel guilty A LOT of moms go through things like this! Plus it'll go by so fast baby will be eating regular food and formula will be a thing of the past sooner than you think!! Good luck and God Bless!

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