Any other stay at moms feel like failures?

Victoria - posted on 11/06/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Ever since I became a stay at home mom I've been feeling like a complete failure. Some days I feel like there's no hope. That I have to give up everything I ever dreamed of before my son (14 months) was conceived. I am 22. My husband works full time at a medical office. I quit my old job in June which wasn't much (hostess at a Japanese restaurant), but working and contributing financially made me feel important and i was able to be out of the house part of the day. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do. He was having to commute an hour 30. So we decided to move out of my house that I shared with my brothers into his parents house. I was happy we would have savings since he wasn't spending $20/day on gas anymore. But now all i do is sit at home with the baby and I am so depressed. I want to go back to school, but I have no babysitter. His mother works full time and his father is retired so i don't dare ask him for help because hes busy playing tennis or fixing things around the ect. I only ask him to watch him so i can shower. I just hate this hopeless feeling. When my husband comes home i seldom ask for help because hes home from a full day of work and wants to go to the gym, relax, or work on hobbies. If I do try to ask him for time to do things i like he complains and says he never has time for things he wants to do anymore. I hate what my life has become. I used to be a technical theatre major working in my field at just 19-20 yrs old. Then I got pregnant. I saw many of my friends have babies and were still able to go to school and work. A lot of them are working in the medical field. So i figured i can handle this. ill just have to work hard. but i cant even work or go to school. theyre moms and they work full time. Seeing that makes me feel like such a failure. Why can't I go back to school? My husband has two younger siblings that live at home. his sister 21 who goes to community college and works. and his brother 18 who is a full time student at San Francisco State. I feel like everyone in his family looks down on me like im a lazy failure. That I dont fo anything except take care of my son. I hate when friends and family ask me what i do all day. why arent I working. It is the most uncomfortable question. Ijust want to die when it comes up. I told my husband my biggest fear is dying without accomplishing anything significant besides having a son. I feel like the only thing I have to look forward to is my son becoming successful. Any other stay at home moms feeling what I'm feeling?

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Rebecca - posted on 11/07/2012

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Well put, Brittanie! Victoria, I am another SAHM (25 years old) who gets incredibly frustrated during the day. My husband is very supportive, but it still gets to be, well, depressing and overwhelming.



My husband and I both graduated with our bachelor's degree in August 2011 -- I had big plans to continue doing archaeological field work to gain more experience before attending grad school. I had big plans, and my then-boyfriend couldn't have been any more excited for me. The work is great because I could do work for three months in North Dakota, and during the winter go to Arizona for 2 months, as an example. Traveling, hooray! What fun, I thought. A job I'm passionate about.



While I was working on my first post-grad field project, I found out I was pregnant. This was like . . . 2 months after we graduated. I was depressed even while I was pregnant. Needless to say, I couldn't walk across fields or dig meticulous holes while pregnant, so I quit my job and stayed home for the duration of the pregnancy. I continue to stay home with our daughter, now four months, and every day brings it's own set of challenges.



She is a WONDERFUL baby, sleeps through the night. But during the day ... man, do I wish I was in the field. I get on the internet and do research about schools I'll "never" go to. Sometimes I am incredibly pessimistic, other times I can shake it off and remember that I can do anything that I want to do (but in reality and with timing, that just isn't the case either, with a family).



Sincerely, I hope that you can begin to realize what an important job you have and that everything you do matters -- not only to you and your son, but your entire family. You are shaping him in to the man he will be one day, and Brittanie nailed it -- one day we will all look back with fondness on the times we had at home with our little ones. I am struggling to do the same on a daily basis! We can both try to remember -- we have the most important, hardest job.



There seems to be a huge awareness of financial contributions among SAHM. Frankly, I've learned to let that one go. Guilt may arise, but just remember how much you are saving on child care! (Not just money, worry! I don't want to leave baby girl with anyone but me!) As for working, I have been trying SO hard to find a part-time job with hours that would mesh with my husbands at-home schedule... but seriously, how many [advertised] jobs are there with hours between 7pm-12pm and weekends only? I've bartended for years, but when would the sleep come? I'm sure you've found the same troubles. You're not lazy, AT ALL. This is a high-energy-cost position to have.



The last thing I will suggest is that I try to better myself in small ways during the day. It's easy to keep on mind-numbing daytime television, but instead I try to read, do my 15 min yoga DVD and lift my arm weights. Walking with baby. Small things that are totally attainable and make you feel good. I listen to Frank Sinatra's "That's Life," and it makes me a little bit more positive. Maybe that's silly, but find something that works for you! :) The best of luck to you my dear, I have no doubt you will find a way at some point in your life to do exactly what you want!

Brittanie - posted on 11/06/2012

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Hi Victoria,



First off you are NOT a failure. This is life and it's life being mom. I do know how you feel because we are a lot alike. You see, I am a young mom (22 years old) and I was 19 when I became pregnant. I was attending college getting my pre-requisites done for Nursing but when I had my son everything changed. I took 6 months off to recover and learn how to be a mom. I started back up only to find the criteria for the program changed. I felt like my time and effort was wasted and felt rather down. I picked up the pieces and moved on, I even tried the medical assisting program- which again the criteria changed and I was unable to attend. With my Husband being the only one working I have no choice but to be a stay-at-home mom. But you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way simply because, I have come to the quick realization that time flies by so fast and I would rather be a stay-at-home mom and watch my son grow then worry about working and going to school and missing out on my son's childhood. I am not going to lie, I still feel this way from time to time simply because I too quit my job when our son was born to become a stay-at-home mom and feel like I don't contribute the way I would if I were working, but guess what? I do! And you do too! Being a mom is the hardest job of all. It entails long hours, housework, financial stress, taking care of the children, etc. (which you already know).



My best advice is to not worry about what you don't have or what you can't do and focus on what you can. You have the wonderful opportunity of watching your precious little boy grow up. You get to watch him take his first steps, say his first words, and grow into a little person. Some mom's don't have this luxury and I think this is something that money cannot buy. You are young, and school will always be there but one day your little boy is going to grow up into a man and you will want to have those wonderful memories of being at home with him. If you are still focused on wanting to attend college, I suggest enrolling and taking online courses. I have been able to successfully take online courses while being a stay-at-home mom and am almost finished with my degree. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need a to talk to a mom that has "been there" let me know. :)



Brittanie

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Victoria - posted on 11/07/2012

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THANK YOU Rebecca and Brittanie. Your words mean a lot to me. I do try to keep busy with positive activities. I've lost all my baby weight and more. I working being as healthy as possible since I'm home all day i figure I have no excuses. The least i can do is look incredible ahaha. The rest of my time is filled with house work and baby bonding (more like running around the house with him) ive even created an Instagram to track my fitness progress called it momspo. I was tired of seeing all of those unhealthy thinspos. Why not have a healthy way to i courage moms to get healthy and look great not just for a mom. Those words always bugged me. "You look great... For having a baby" anyhoo thanks again so much ladies. I will try to be more positive about my life, its hard work, but I am definitely greatful for the memories I've already created and the many more i will create in the future.

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