Anyone else feel like a maid/caretaker- unappreciated and overworked?

Stacey - posted on 10/20/2009 ( 23 moms have responded )

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II love being a wife and a mother but sometimes I wonder if there should be more. I am 33 yrs old have 4 year old and a 7 week old boys. I live in a rural town where my closest neighbor is my mother-in-law. Don't get me wrong I couldn't ask for a better mil but to be honest i get lonesome. My mother lives about 30 minutes away so she just doesn't visit very often. I know it's not that far but she just doesn't, and i think my mil thinks she is intruding by coming by too often, even though i would welcome the company. My husband works long hours- usually leaves around 5:30 am and doesn't get home till around 7:00 pm and is in bed by 10:00. I realize he's tired but so am I and he just doesn't see that i'm starved for adult conversation. when he is there, there's time for a shower, dinner and a little t.v. and I'm stuck doing everything else. Hence the maid feeling. I do all the feedings with the baby and caretaking of both boys along with just about everything else that has to do with the house. I love my husband and boys and don't regret marriage or having children but I can't tell you the last time we had an evening out. Does anyone else feel this way? Any suggestions as to how I can get my husband to participate more in family life? How can I get out of this rut?

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Angie - posted on 10/21/2009

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Wow! You almost described my life exactly. I am so thrilled to be a mom and wife. But I just feel like if I disappeared the only reason anyone would notice is the dishes would pile up. I am 34 years old with a 4 year old son and a 2 year old daughter that was born with down syndrome. I am currently expecting my third child. I live out in the country and my family lives 30-45 minutes away and never seem to have time to visit. My closest neighbor is also my mother in law. That is a long story all by itself. My husband works over an hour away and leaves around 4am and home around 6pm. Always asleep by 9pm, usually earlier. I feel exhausted at all time and fight feeling depressed dailey. I love my kids and am amazed by them every day. But feel like I am being crushed by the weight of the guilt from not being able to do "it all". Not to mention how lonely it can be to be a stay at home mom. I wish I had advice for getting your husband more involved. My husband seems to be involved with everyone and everything but us. He is a very giving guy and will help almost anyone who asks, but never seems to get anything done here that we need. If you find a way out of the rut, toss me a rope, will ya?

Amy - posted on 10/22/2009

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PS I do understand that my husband has health problems so I do not bitch too much but come on. He can not get stressed out in any way shape or form or he will have a seizure so he needs to relax more. So I ry to be understanding. Now he does help me where disciple is concerned and we work together in that area. My husband does not always get along with people. He was born with his health problems except for the blood clot those he got when he was 17 and celluities when he was older. He is 40. His Mom told the doctors before he was born that she was in labor and the doctor told her no you are not go home and she did and 3 hours later her water broke. He was having seizures and strokes when he came out. The doctors told her he will be a vegtable if he lives. He does not have enough oxygen to the brain. and this burned some of his brain. I usualy do not share this but wanted you to understand why this is how it is but I do feel overwhelmed and sometimes unappreciated. He will say thanks and kiss and hug me so that makes me feel good. He admits he needs to help out more but also says he brings in the money and food in the house. I say big whoop di do. So I do understand but enjoy both my husband and my son. I do sometimes have a good cry and then go on.

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Do your best each and every day. Him participating .. well you might try to relax a few minutes after work .. If he could try to snuggle with the baby once or twice and switch to playing a game or coloring w/ your 4 year old for just 20 min after coming home then you both put the kids to sleep.. and then you have a little bit of time to yourselves and spare time to watch tv or play a game keep everything simple and offer change in small amounts once or twice and then eventually it will become routine and not so tiring

Tina - posted on 10/23/2009

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Stacey, dont feel alone !!! Many of us stay at home moms are right there with you !!! Cant seem to do anything but caretake, cook, & clean...Thats why I call myself ( MRS. C )...LOL

I live in a rural area as well and its hard to get out there to meet friends....Ive found that having weekend cookouts brings the friends to you and have your friends bring friends.

And as for your husband not helping so much with the kids...I know hes buisy and tired when he gets home, but you have to explain to him your full time job as well !!

When he comes in from work,takes his boots off and sits infront ot the tv, ( hand him a baby and a bottle) walk away and just give him a smile & finish supper or what ever else it is your doing. (That worked for me anyway...lol )

I feel like my house work is never done, as soon as i clean one room another is dirtied, Its an endless job and i still cant get my husband to help with the house !!!

Weve been married 10 yrs.. but I have a 5yr old and a 3yr old and he does help with them.( It just takes a little pushing on your part to make him help with the kids)

But do try the cookouts at home, you dont have to hire a babysitter and your at home where your comfie and its a real good way to socialize and have adult conversation.

Good luck, hope I didnt talk ur ears off :)

Tina B.

Amanda - posted on 10/20/2009

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I am a mother of a three year old and a 3 month old. I totaly get what everyone is saying!! I know that my husband works hard,he works from 6 am to 6pm but dang it i work hard too! I kinda hate to say it but i make him help out with the kids and stuff around the house and i get him to do without nagging!!!!! My secret? I tell them if there is less stuff around the house to do and the kids are happy and sleeping then i would have more energyand time to do what HE wants TO DO...if you catch my drift!!! Its worked for three years so far!! He helps with dishes,feeding the baby and stuff like that and if he is at home and the baby gets up he'll get up with him. I ge t alot of crap from my mil to my dad but a happy wife is a happy family!! I send the kids with my mom for the weekend which gives me and my hubby a break and we always make a point to go out to a nice place and some pampering for me!!

I hope my advice helps!!!

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Rhonda - posted on 06/15/2013

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I'm going through this as well... my hubie actually controlz me with the computer and belittles me..... I may get out soon don't want to split so boys hav there dad.... but no woman should be treated unfair even if he's working! No excuses...

Agnes - posted on 10/23/2009

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hi i'm with you on this but it will get better. i'm 38 i have 4 kids 18y.o,15y.o,13y.o and a 11y.o . i moved to be with my husband, my mum was 30min away my sister over a hour away and none of us could drive. i didn't learn to drive until my youngest was 2 so my life was built around my kids , the housework and the kids but it did get better get your mil to mind the kids, make a nice meal and talk to your husband tell him how you feel after all he is a man they need these thing said, just tell him you miss him and want to spend some time with him this is what i did we picked a night got the kids to bed early and we had wine,cheese and a crusty bread on our bed and did puzzles in magazines. it helped when the kids were young, it helps being in this group because you can talk about it.hope all go's well .

Mary - posted on 10/23/2009

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I hear you! Been there, done that..I'm 49 and have 3 wonderful boys, 26,24 and 14.I know exactly how u are feeling..Similar situation..You have got to communicate your feelings to your husband...Can you talk to your mother-in-law or friends?? But just remember one thing, your kids will not stay young forever...So, enjoy every minute of it..They grow soooo fast! I wished sometimes they were little again, but not gonna happen...I will say a prayer for you ladies

J - posted on 10/23/2009

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Oooh Stacey I am there with ya right now. I have a very similar life. My oldest is almost 8 and that's how long I've been at home. I have two girls, 8 in Dec., 5 next March and my 8 month old boy. My husband also is gone from 5:30 to 4:30 or sometime later.

I too do all the housework, kid related stuff and activities. I have a FIL that's close, my mother lives 30 minutes away as well, my MIL is 20 minutes away and doesn't work.

Anyway, for me I have coped over the years doing many things. I've been a member of a moms group, went to ECFE classes to meet other SAHM's. I've done direct sales (Discovery Toys, BeautiControl, and now considering Norwex.) Those things got me out of the house to talk to adults. And the mom's group was great to have other mom's for me to talk with and other children for the kids to play with. The other thing is to make a date with your husband and stick to it...have your MIL watch the kids. Also have MIL watch them at other times to do errands...time alone...whatever to regenerate.

Use the resources that you can and make up the rest. If you can't find a mom's group...ask around if there are other SAHM's that you could arrange playdates with.

Hope some of this helps!

Amy - posted on 10/22/2009

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I have red the book, If life is a bowl of cherries, Why am I always in the pits. It is very funny and soooo true. I am in the same situation but somethings are different. I am 42 years old have an 8 year old son. My hisband can not work has 12 different types of seizures, blood clots, Mini storkes, celliulitius. Pardon my spelling. My son is in school now so it is a little better during the school year. My husband does not lift a finger except for once in a blue moon. He is home all the time. I am very active as well as my son. I am in 12 step coupes , Alanon is one of them. He will not watch my son while I go to meetings. Neither of us do not drive so that is hard. I am visually impaired legally blind. He will watch him while I am in church and that is it other then going to the doctors. He says too when I am at the doctors or to the drug store running some kind of errand that was my time. I HATE when he says that.

I am a people person. I do go to a Moms group and church activies but always need to ask for rides. So that also makes it hard to get out. I can not afford a cab or a bus so I depend on rides. My husband does nothing with my son except for video games and stuff in the house. So I take him places that I can walk him too. We live in the city. I do all the house work laundry, cooking, dishes and everything. Most of the time I am very tired. I feel overwelmed.

My parents live 20 minutes in good trafic, His parents live a half an hour or so away. My parents help us get to places and so does his parents. My parents keep him usually from Thursday night till Satuday around 5 then bring him home which helps us alot. My Mom will come over and complain about the house being a mess and saying our marriage is not normal. And othe comments. My parents mentally and verbally abused me as a child and adult hood so when she does this I really get upset. I do love both my husband and my son very much and would do anything for them. Trying to give my son chores. Like bring his plate down when he eats upstairs, cleaning his room and he does not help because he sees Frank not helping so he thinks this behavior is normal and ok. I am glad to know I am not the only one. I would not be so overwelmed or upset if he worked. Maybe overwhelmed but would not be as upset but he does nothing but play video games all day or sleeps all day and plays games all night. I hear you and am here if you need to vent just email me. Does anyone live in Reading PA or in berks county. Maybe we can call each other or visit.

Kimberly - posted on 10/22/2009

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I hear ya we have four kids and take every opportunity to spend time together wisly. we are everything to not just our kids but our husbands too. if you ever need a good laugh about the situation find the book "If life is like a bowl of cherries why do I feel like I'm in the pits" by Erma Bombeck. Believe me it explains every ironic aspect of being a mom.

Cathy - posted on 10/22/2009

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Colette - posted on 10/21/2009

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I am a stay at home mom of 7 children. My five oldest go to school. My husband is also gone all day to work. I have often felt that people expect so much from stay at home moms but don't realize just how much there is to do in a day. Sure everybody has to cook clean and do laundry but do they also have to change dirty diapers and wipe snotty noses etc. all day long I love my kids and am thanful that I am able to stay at home but I wish that sometimes i could be like other parents and get to leave the job at the end of the 8 hour shift. Alas my job is 24/7 365 days a year!!

Sherry - posted on 10/20/2009

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Hi ladies! I am a mother of 5 grown children. 33,29,26,24, and 20. Those children have been the ride of my life. Many Many times exhausted tired and even sick and tired. But girls I seriously tell you, I miss being a mommy. I am a Mother til the day I die. And I do so enjoy my adult children. But they do not kiss me and call me mommy. Try to see thru the dust and grime. Even ungrateful husbands and enjoy your babies. I married off my baby in June, so that brings me to being a retired stay home mom. Now what do I do. I truly do understand your anguish but I hope to give you hope. ENJOY THEM. One day you WILL miss them.

Chantel - posted on 10/20/2009

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I'm 25 the mother of two girls and wife of a hardworking man. I must say I didn't picture my life this way. I wanted to be someone my girls could look up to. A woman with a career, a good mom, and a good wife don't get me wrong I do my best to take care of everyone one else but whose suppose to take care of me? I wish I knew how to answer your question but from what i've read you and I aren't alone.

Michelle - posted on 10/20/2009

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WOW I FEEL WHAT YOU ARE SAYING! I AM A NEW MOMMIE OF A 9 MONTH OLD BABY GIRL. THIS IS MY FIRST CHILD I AM 30 YEARS OLD. WE BOTH DECIDED THAT I WOULD STAY HOME WITH THE BABY WHILE HE WORKS. I AM VERY ACTIVE WITH MY BABY GIRL. I AM A VERY GOOD HOUSE CLEANER& COOK. HE CONSTANTLY THINK THAT SINCE HE WORKS THERE IS NO REASON I SHOULD BE TIRED. I GET SO MAD BECAUSE I DO ALL THAT I CAN SINCE I AM NOT WORKING BECAUSE I HAVE HELD DOWN A JOB BEFORE THE BABY. HE THINKS THAT HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT IS TIRED I TELL HIM THAT I DO JUST AS MUCH AS HE DO IF MORE CAUSE BABY IS 24 HOURS. HE DOES HELP OUT I WILL GIVE HIM THAT, BUT JUST LIKE HE NEEDS A BREAK SO DO I. NO MATTER WHAT I CONTINUE TO GO ON AND HAVE A DESIRE TO BE WITH HIM CAUSE WE NEVER SEEM TO SPEND ANY REAL TIME TOGETHER. I CAN SEE HOW COUPLES MAY FAIL WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE WE HAVE ALOT ON OUR PLATE WHEN IT COMES TO RAISING OUR FAMILIES. I DO BELEIVE THERE IS A WAY TO BALANCE THE BOTH YOU JUST HAVE TO BE WILLING TO MAKE TIME CAUSE EVERYDAY GOES BY QUICKLY. I HAVE BEEN TRYING DIFFERENT METHODS TO TELL MY HUSBAND WE NEED US TIME BUT IT ONLY CONTINUES TO BE THE SAME. I LOVE MY HUSBAND& DAUGHTER BUT I DO FEEL LONELY AT TIMES. I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE AND ENJOY IT WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE. ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY AND HOPE THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO FEEL UNAPPERCIATED& LONELY WE ARE ONLY HUMANS. WITH THAT SAID YOU STILL HAVE TO FIND A SOURCE TO RELEASE YOUR STRESS SO IT DON'T EAT U UP INSIDE. NO ONE WANTS TO BE UNHAPPY!!!!!

Chrissy - posted on 10/20/2009

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i no that 1. i keep getting why dont you put make up on for me any more when i met you you didnt go out untill you had your face done, and then if i find 5 mins to put makeup on he says who you all tarted up for there is no wining with them. at the mo he is watching football at his mums when he gets back he will wine that i have not done the washing up, why cant i have time off. THIS IS MY TIME OFF...... bloody men!

Stacey - posted on 10/20/2009

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I thank my lucky stars if I can get a 10 min shower EVERY day lol. My husband actually have the nerve to ask what happened to my hair one day (no time to do much with it) . he told me i needed to watch my time more wisely. I told him if he could just train is dirty laundry to jump in the washer then the dryer then fold, iron and put itself away or have the dishwasher load itself I would have time. Ya know in between eating my bon bons and taking a nap.....

Chrissy - posted on 10/20/2009

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why is having a bath if i find time with out a child getting in to called time to myself?

then my hubby takes the mick and will say "you got it easy sat at home all day watchin t.v" because washing, cleaning, picking up toys, hovering, walking the dogs(this is also time to myself even tho i have to walk around a feild with lee in my arms in the rain picking up dog poo) cooking cleaning out the rabbit he got for the girls that no1 else remembers weve got, and trying to keep the girls bizy is so easy unlike his job sat in a van driving around all day

Heather - posted on 10/20/2009

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Amen sister!! I'm having one of those days.....I feel the same way. I'm a SAH with a 3yr old girl and 16mth boy. My husband also works long hrs and has time for eat, sleep, and shower when he is home. I also feel overworked and underappreciated. I also feel like my husband is missing out on things with our kids due to his schedule. I know that his job is what keeps me able to be at home with our kids. I wish i could give you some great advice but i am in the same boat. If u need to vent or just talk some things out please feel free to contact me.

Stacey - posted on 10/20/2009

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Why is it that if you leave the kiddos at home to go to the grocery store - they consider that time for ourselves????

Chrissy - posted on 10/20/2009

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yes yes and yes they do there best to bring in the money but sometimes money wont buy what i need and just once in a blue moon a cuddle and kiss followed by "how was your day, dont worry about the kids i will put them to bed then run YOU a bath", would make my week and i am a 25 year old woman i have needs (and i dont meen a need to do the washing) i love both my girls and my hubby but now he is chatting about number 3i just think to myself more on my work load. im nolonger a young sexy full of life bouncy woman, im more like a child minder.i dont see many mates anymore as they dont have children i have my mum 2 mins down the road but i have to go to hers and my MIL lives over the road but she works long hours so is not home alot and when she is i feel bad as she dose not get alot of time off work. i have found the mum and baby group nice but its only on once a week, iv even found the school run nice as there are othere adults to talk to.

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