Anyone else have Problems being a stay at home Mom?

Samantha - posted on 07/24/2009 ( 35 moms have responded )

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I am 25years old and I am a Mother of Two boys. My husband is in Business with his Dad and Brother. I do everything and I feel like I do not have a partner in parenting/marriage. I tell my husband the things that bother me but it does not seem to matter. We have been married for five years and together for a total of 10. He is a wonderful man and I know he loves me and our kids. I just don't know what to do! I need help.

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Chantii - posted on 07/29/2009

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Hi Samatha! We are the same age and I FEEL YOU!! lol...Every now and then I have to let my man know that I'm feel like I'm drowning. I just need some AIR!! What we have worked out is this....he too works long hours...I have three boys 5mths, 15mnths, and 7 years. When he comes home from work he gets an hour to unwind and in return i get an hour to lock myself in the room and do whatever pleases me. Sometimes i use my hour and take a long uniterupted shower. This doesnt always work out. But the fact that he respects my hour is just...i dont know NICE. Also Sunday mornings before church we work together in getting household chores done for the week. he knows when i say "babe i'm drowning" that he needs to step in help out. I know he works an insane amount of hours, but I dont get to just turn off taking care of the kids and the house...its 24/7....no matter the weather, no matter if i am sick...or whatever. So some days he has to come home to chaos and just lend a hand. and honestly girl he didnt see any of my struggles until i really got serious and broke it down for him. ANDDDD he does this one thing that i LOVVVEEEE....he tells me all the time...how much he APPRECIATES me...and believe it or not or my worst days that makes soo much more better. So communicate. Speak from your heart. He loves you...he'll get it. Sometimes you just gotta be CLEAR and CONSISTANT with what you need and want...and dont feel bad about it either!

Andrea - posted on 07/28/2009

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Hi Samantha I am a stay at home mom as well and I totally understand where your coming from my husband takes care of both me and our daughter financially but what he does not understand is that having kids is a FULL time job its not clock in and clock out and we are done for the day, dont get me wrong I understands thats he works hard and comes home tired and wants to relax which is fine I give him his time but he needs to be able to give me time to myself or even offer every once in a while to lend a helping hand it takes two parents to raise kids not just a MOMMY!

Samantha - posted on 07/24/2009

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I'm also a stay at home mom and at times it feels like I'm alone on things, but you really have to stop and think... ie. I might take care of the finances, but HE brings home the check. I chose to be a stay at home mom and what you listed... the work part and taking care of the kids come with that title. It's over-whelming, but he is out working long days..... Just stop and take a deep breath every now and then.

Sandie - posted on 08/08/2009

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I understand your situation - my husband is in the army he is a Drill Sgt and he works from 4am till sometimes 10pm 6 days a week and 1/2 days on Sundays. I do it all from mowing the lawn to doctor appt- throwing football with my son etc. at times you feel unappreciated but its not something that is done on purpose. try having 1 day a month when you and your husband can get away for a couple of hours or the day( if you can swing that sometimes it hard with little ones and sitters) - to spend time together and discuss whats going on with each other

My husband and I came up with a board and on the board list of things that need to be done for the month my husband when he can he will do one or two and cross it off .

Remember that communication is the key to any relationship and family.

God Bless

Katrina - posted on 08/04/2009

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One of the ways I stay sane as a full time mom of 6 (with a husband who runs his own company as well) is to make ‘TIME FOR ME’ a priority. And to remind myself that the only thing I can change in life is Me. So I try to ignore whatever my husband has or hasn’t done lately and I try to think about what small things I can do to make each day a little easier. Honestly we are no good to our kids or families if we are stressed out and frustrated all the time, and as much as I try, I am no Brie Hodge (Desperate housewives) so what if there is some dirty laundry in the laundry room or the beds aren’t all made first thing in the morning… that stuff is NEVER ENDING! Join a gym that has a childcare center and take the kids there and spend some time away from everyone in your family doing something healthy for yourself. Just get up in the morning, feed the kids and leave… the mess will all be there when you get back. I’m telling you, you will feel better, more energy and refreshed. Good luck, we have all been there… take care of YOU.

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Ruby - posted on 09/15/2012

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Same situation. Stay- at - Mom is 24/7 life commitment (No vacation,No days offs- not even Mother's Day,etc.) I told my husband I wanted to go back to work,he comes up with excuses so I can stay home. The other day I was feeling ill, he had told me " I get scared when your sick cause I have no clue about taking care of our babies". I was laughing in my mind,lol:) So I told my husband it takes a Husband & Wife for a marriage to work, A Father & Mother to raise our children.

Tiffany - posted on 08/08/2009

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I do not attempt to tell you how to live in your marriage or how to be a mother, but only to give my story of what works for me.
My husband and I defined our roles as wife and husband prior to marriage and it works wonders. We do argue, but not over the trivial stuff. My role is clearly defined as maintaining the house (doing the laundry, making meals, keeping the house clean etc.) as well as taking care of the children. I readily accept this role because we are both very traditional in our morals, values, and such. My husband's role is to be the "man" and go to work (he's a firefighter and works 24 hours shifts) and earn the money to support a household of 6. He also maintains the yard work and cleans the kitchen after meals. He will also do any other task I ask him to do as long as I respect his need to rest after his shifts. I do not expect this to work for everyone, but my point is that it is very important to define your roles and specifically outline what your tasks are in the home. Remember, he works very hard also and he doesn't ask you to go to work for him and earn the money (hopefully). Best wishes to you and your marriage. Also, in the meantime, pray for God to help you, your husband and your children and always strive to do more for them than for yourself.....but the key is to NOT seek reciprocation.

Rebecca - posted on 08/07/2009

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I'd say the best way to respond to your husband is to tell him that you respect him and everything he does for the family. If he feels you respect him the more he will be willing to do for you. Staying at home is a hard job. We don't get thanked very often, but if you make it a point to appreciate him, he will start to show his appreciation for you more.

Jennifer - posted on 08/04/2009

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I know how you fell when my hubby comes home he exspects the house to be spotless, kids to be well behaved no fighting or yelling(witch I am very bad at I yell all the time because I can never get the kiddos to to anything) all he wants to do is watch tv and play on the computer when his kids want him he yells at them to leave him alone. I love my hubby to death but I would like him understand that the whole day I had to referre the kids fighting, it took us going to counsling for him to understand that and now he helps out around the house more. on the weekends he does the housework with me not only the outside but also the inside. he cooks almost everynight not because I can't but because he loves to. we take turns bathing the kids. and also putting them to sleep. basiclly what i am trying to say is tell him how you fell and make sure he hears you because guys tend not to hear you when you are shareing your fellings and just maybe he will start helpping you out more if not try counsling if you know some one who can help you out around the house get them to help you. take time for you. get dressed up when he comes home. just make yourself fell good and go out on a date night get a babysitter if you can and spend one on one with hime I know the more affort you put in the more affort he will put in

Erica - posted on 08/04/2009

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Hello Samantha! I definitly know how you feel! My hunny is a Police Officer so of course his hours and days off change so there is no way I can work right now, I dont mind, because I love to be home with my son, but sometimes I dont even know what the heck to do with myself!

Lori - posted on 08/04/2009

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I'm a work from home mom (I am a photographer). I still do most of the house work and take care of the kids, shopping, doc appts, etc. My husband does help clean once in a while. Or I ask him to, he would not do it if I did not ask. At first he thought that I was just lazy, then when we sat down and really talked about it he understood that I also bring money in, and need the time to do it. I still take the kids to a babysitter when i feel like I have a lot of work that needs to get done fast. Otherwise I keep them at home and work while they sleep or play. Some days are difficult, and others are easy and relaxing. You just gotta go with the flow and give yourself a break once in a while.

Jane - posted on 08/03/2009

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consider hiring someone to do the yard work and clean the house once or twice a month. those little things may be very worth it. if you are in charge of the home, you can best decide how to get those things done. it could be very worth the money all around. men think of different things than we do. i find that my husband is always worried about money and long-term issues; mortgage, college money, etc. while i'm worried about manners, potty training, sleep habits, bath time, feeding, etc. so you're both definitely doing for your family, just in different departments. it's hard to do, but see if start sharing your concerns and your day-to-day things, maybe he'll do the same and you can see how your pieces of the puzzle fit together and compliment each other. i also think when kids are this young, things are very hectic and overwhelming for both.

see if he can carve out some time for your family, even just 4 hours where every thursday night, it's "ice cream night" or something like that so you can feel connected as a family. if your family or his family can watch the kids one night or afternoon a week, you two can do something together as a couple.

Rae - posted on 08/02/2009

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im there my husband and I have that problem he works full time and has to commute to work it is really frustrating. I do it all too. I have 4 kids and by the time I am done doing everything its time to start over. I completely understand he works I stay at home but sometimes you just need a break for a minute, and you just want him home sometimes. Hang in there it will be ok.

Kimberly - posted on 07/31/2009

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It sounds like you have a good relationship with your husband. I had this problem with my husband. I've been married 17 years. I have worked in the home and out of the home. What I did, I sat down with my husband and explained I need some time alone without the hassles of home and hubby. Just one day alone. It will help you feel more like you are not doing everything on your own. He takes the kids to wal-mart or the park. Anywhere. Then when you are working on "everything" you will feel better and know you have a great husband who cares and have a more fulfilling relationship. Just remember good men are hard to come by these days and you have to work at any relationship. The door is communication and understanding. Men tend to get it in their minds if we stay at home we don't do anything. But it's a full time job at home also. And they need to realize that. Hope the info helps.

Katrina - posted on 07/30/2009

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I jst recently became a stay at home mom although my fiance is not my sons dad he does bring home the check so I dont mind at all that I do all the work. He works nights so he sleeps most the day. And he has two kids that we get every once in awhile and i take care of them too when they are here which is also not a problem. Sometimes it does get hard but its worth it bc kids need atleast one parent home with them if it is possible bc i know alot of moms and or dads are going at it alone.

Amber - posted on 07/30/2009

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hello ladies,



i feel all your frustrations...my husband is in the military and when our baby was born he was on a 15 month deployment and asked me to give up my job with the state to become a stay at home mom. i love being a stay at home mom but i crave the interaction from other adults, our daughter is 16 month old now and he actually got to spend time with her when he got home from deployment which by that time she was a year old. so i was a basically single mom but acting as daddy as well at the time. i also had to move to a different city alone about 2 hours alone with out him and if anyone has had experience with the army, i had to switch over all our info by myself as well which was like jumpin thru fire hoops...when he came home (only 6 months after i just moved our family), it was time to move again except from colorado to kentucky and i handled this move and all that comes with as well. as well as handling all the business i handle the finances, the keeping in touch with the family (cuz our daughter is the first grandchild on both sides), prepairing the meals, handling business with our condo that we rented out in colorado, take care of the animal, the cleaning, the laundry, unpacking, and all the fun that comes with raising a child that never takes naps. he also works long hours and sometimes he comes home with an attitude or he does not help me when i ask him to help me with me things. i on the other hand to not take a gental approach when i feel like i am drowning....i make it a point to let him know that although he bring home the paycheck i make his life pretty darn easy and all he has to worry about is work (when he is not deployed work is pretty easy). all i ask of him is to do simple chores around the house...take out the trash and take over walkin the dog to pee when he gets home and he acts like that is sooo hard...so when i feel the need i do not clean and i do not cook and i tell him he can do it and he can also walk the dog and take care of the baby...and i just sit there and watch...and by the end of the day he has had a reality check and realizes all the work i do to keep this family going and healthy and to keep our crazy military life as organized as it can be....

Coralyn - posted on 07/30/2009

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i was going through this recently. i have been with my fiance for 4 years now and we chose to have a baby at this point. our daughter was born on april 20 and at first he was great! he helped we everything and we shared the nightime wake ups. but after about a month it became all MY responnsibilities and he thought because he went to work than he didnt need to help with the baby i would ask him everyday but he never seemed to help. i started to feel like i was doing it all by myself. it gets really frustrating and eventually i just broke down i couldnt help it. i cried and cried and eventually hde came around. he has been helping and trying a lot more now.

Michelle - posted on 07/30/2009

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It is hard to be a stay at home mom. I have three kids and I do believe I am blessed to be able to stay at home. I also do most of the work around the house. I believe that it is my job because I would rather have my husband be able to play with the kids when he gets home from work rather then do the yard work. It gets hard at times but I vent to my friends and them I am better for awhile.

You just have to keep thinking what is best for the kids and are they enjoying their lives!

Brooke - posted on 07/29/2009

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I totally get what you are saying. I am too a stay at home mom, I have an 8 month old son and I literally do everything. My sons father is a police officer so he does work a lot of different hours and can sometimes end up with some pretty long hours due to overtime but when he is home he gets to sleep and mess around on his computer and do whatever he wants and I feel like my job literally is never over. I don't have a spare second to just relax, my day starts at 5 am and doesn't end till 2 am, there is always something to do. I wish he would help a little bit more when he is at home. For a long time I was trying to talk to him but then I would just get mad because he it didn't seem like he cared. It's gradually getting a little better, (I Hope it keeps going that way) but it's still pretty overwhelming. If you need to talk/vent at times, feel free to. :) We all need to just do that sometimes. :)

Kristen - posted on 07/28/2009

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Your husband must be in some kind of construction?? I am in the same boat :)

Sarah - posted on 07/28/2009

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Well.. I think that you are in a situation similar to all stay at home mothers. The fathers work hard to support the family and then we feel guilty about having them watch the children and have time for ourselves. This doesn't work in my house. My husband had a week off and so did I. My husband woke up early so he got the baby. I slept in and etc. It made him realize how much work a baby really is. Now when he comes home from work he rests for a few hours and takes the baby and has his alone time with her, because that is important. Babies need time with Daddy. He then gets her ready for bed and etc. That gives me time to do things I need to do and not go crazy everyday. Marriage is all about balance and sometimes you have to teach your partner how you feel. You can talk all you want yet it won't do any good until he literally understands where you're coming from. Well, good luck!!

Sharon - posted on 07/28/2009

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Samantha I wish you the best and to all the stay at home moms out there, GREAT JOB! I have been a stay at home mom for the last 19 years with three kids and even though it is been great at times and hard at times ( my husband traveled ALOT) and I felt I was the only one who appreciated me, it was worth it! Hang in there ladies!!! I told my husband that even though I have the title Stay at Home Mom, I prefer Domestic Goddess so treat me like one!!!!!

User - posted on 07/28/2009

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I understand where all of you are coming from, when my husband comes home and its time for him to help a little I get some attitude or nothing gets done. I feel bad when I ask but I'm not the only parent or the only one living here. I understand where he is coming from, but it's family time along with all the work that a family comes with.

User - posted on 07/28/2009

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Hi I am also 25. I have 1 boy and at times being a stay at home mom drives me crazy but most of the time I love it, like today Cole and I went to the Zoo.

Laura - posted on 07/28/2009

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Hi Samantha,

I can't tell you how much I identify with you! My husband works very long hours in our family business as well. Things have been so stressful for him lately. He has to work so many hours but I need his help too. Sometimes I feel guilty just asking for help. My husband provides for us and makes sure all of our needs our met and more, but sometimes I wish that he would take a pay cut and go into some other business. He is a contractor and things have been so stressful for the last few years. He comes home and "dumps" it all on me...and I KNOW that it is part of my job to listen and support him, but it is HARD after all day with my extremely active and fussy toddler. I try to do everything I can to support my husband but life is hard right now for us. I am trying to figure out the best way to get us through it.

I wish you the best!

[deleted account]

Hi Samantha, I just wanted to suggest that it is possible that your husband feels that he is supporting, respecting, and appreciating you. Men see things completely different than we do. And they don't always show those things in a way we can understand them. For him, supporting you might mean working so hard to provide the comfort and financial security for you so you don't have to work. In his mind he might think he's giving you what you want and is confused that you're not happy about it and like most men it doesn't occur to him that all he has to do is ask you what you want. Try giving him examples of what you want. Like tell him, I need you to support me by being willing to put the dishes away in the evening even though you had a long day too, not everyday, just once in a while when I really need it. Or let me go watch TV in the bed room or read a book in the evening every now and then while you get the kids ready for bed and put them to bed. Not doing those things all the time, maybe only a couple times a month, but be willing to do it when you need it. Figure out exactly what you mean by support, respect, and appreciation. What actions can he take to do those things, give him actions not emotions. Also I recommend reading "For Women Only" and ask him to read "For Men Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. The book for women explain why men do those crazy things, and why they seem to do everything the hard way....like not asking directions. And the one for men explains why we do things that confuse the heck out of men, like say leave me alone when we really mean come comfort me and assure me that you love me. Good books, easy fun reading. Hope that helps.

User - posted on 07/24/2009

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Wow - sounds like he has found a job that he truly loves! Is the business going well enough to hire even one part-time person to help with the workload?

My husband needs to be reminded from time to time of what I need from him, whether it's words of affirmation, physical touch, or an act of service. When you talk things over with your husband, use "I" phrases, rather than "You" phrases. "I feel unappreciated when it doesn't seem like you notice that I cleaned house today," comes off much better than "You didn't notice that I cleaned house all day today?"

User - posted on 07/24/2009

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As wives and mothers, we do need to be encouraged and affirmed in our roles, especially when we choose to stay at home and raise our children! It's a tough decision to make, but a rewarding one. My daughter is only 10 1/2 months old, and baby #2 is due in January - and I wouldn't trade her smiles and giggles for anything the work force has to offer.

Samantha - posted on 07/24/2009

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My husband left the bussiness four years ago.It was the hardest thing we have ever been through. He got a job that he hated so much but stuck it out for us. I was there for him every step of the way. Together we got through it and made ourselves stronger. We are both responsible for who we are today. He went back over a year ago with a new stronger attitude. He now does what he wants to do with the business. He is now the leader of the business. His dad is 68 and is slowly backing out of things. My husband works long hours to get the work done and so he can have weekends off. I don't care about the work anymore I just need him to put the same amount of effort into both work and Family (His fam at home). Thanks Again!

Samantha - posted on 07/24/2009

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I am fine with all that comes with the title Of STAY AT HOME MOM! I am lucky to have a husband that wants to take care of his family Financially. I am a strong women that can handel almost all things but I need support, respect and Appreciation as much as he does.

User - posted on 07/24/2009

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Samantha,

I'm glad that your husband wants to be home more - that's encouraging!

One other suggestion - you might ask him (when the opportunity is right) if he truly LOVES his job - I've asked my husband that several times over the course of our marriage, and he truly does LOVE his job. However, if your husband's family is all about work and money, and he doesn't LOVE what he's doing, the family business may not be the right fit for him. Gently ask him if he feels pressured to be a part of the business because his dad and brother are in the business. If he's good at what he does, another company with better working hours may be a better choice. (Just a suggestion for a LONG-TERM, not a short-term solution.)

Knowing that you support his decisions, whatever they may be, will help him out a lot. Decide together how much $$ is actually needed to operate the household a comfortable level and research the hours he is working. Does he NEED to work all the hours in order to generate the needed income? Or does he work the long hours because his dad and brother do? If all the money isn't needed, he may need to stand up to his dad/brother and tell them - Thursdays I'm leaving at 5:00 to spend time with my family - I understand I won't be compensated for the time that you are on the job and I'm not - but my wife and children need me, too.

Good luck!

Samantha - posted on 07/24/2009

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I know you were not insinuating anything. I just wanted anyone who was reading my question to know that I am not another wife that blames her husband for everything.

The hours are just what they work. In the summer when it is hot they will start early. Since it is a family owned business they work hard and long hours. I am supportive of this. I know when they are busy they work hard. I make a point to explain to our three year old that Daddy works very hard for us. So I am very supportive and thankful to him. I tell him often how much he is loved and respected for what he does for us.

He wants to be home all the time. I know he wants to spend time with us and he does. I just feel he needs to be more involved in other things. I do not expect this as soon as he gets home. I try to hold off the Kids so he can take a shower and unwind from his long hard day. His hours change often. Some days he starts at five am some days he starts at 8. It all depends.

He comes from a family that everything thing is about work and Money. This is not what he wants his life centered around. So that is not a problem.

I just need someone to lean on as well. It’s hard to be a mom/wife. I am so happy that you responded to my question. I will try your suggestions! Thank you for your time and post.

Sorry if I am all over the place the kids wont leave me alone~

User - posted on 07/24/2009

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Samantha,

Marriage is for better or for worse - and I was not trying to insinuate that you are not handling your frustrations correctly - but when I am frustrated with my husband, I don't always give him credit for what he does right and only see what he does wrong. :)

My husband and I have been married for 6 years this October, and dated for a total of 7 years before that - so, like you, we've been together for a while.

One thing that I've found that helps me is to write out what I'm frustrated about FIRST, then, after I've had time to process it and make sure that what is frustrating me is actually worth bringing up - I am able to present the situation to my husband in a much calmer and analytical manner. (My husband is an engineer, so being analytical about the problem helps him understand what's truly going on. If I unload emotionally on him, he doesn't "get" it as well.) This also helps me have a 1-2-3 approach when we discuss the problems. 1) Here is the problem. 2) this is how it makes me feel. 3) what solutions can we come up with?

Working 12-14 hours a day during the summer must be exhausting for him as well. Is he frustrated about the amount of time the business requires? Does he want to be home with you and boys more and just isn't able? Or is okay with things the way that they are? If he wants to be home more, is there a way to shift his hours a bit (go in at 5 am - come home at 5 pm) etc?

I would recommend waiting to bring up anything until you have some time for just the two of you - fins a babysitter, plan an evening when you can calmly, without distractions, discuss what's happening. You might also want to write out what you would LIKE to happen in your home and marriage - keep in mind that you might not get it all at once!

I would recommend reading "The 5 Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. You will learn some things about your husband, yourself, and your sons.

Good luck!

Samantha - posted on 07/24/2009

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Vicki,

First things first I am not trying to bash my husband or anything like that. For better or worse Right?

I do about 98% of all things. I do the yard work, finances, kids dr. stuff, ect. I know I am a stay at home mom and I am expected to take care of a lot of things. That is fine with me this is what my husband and I decided we would do. But I would like some help in so many areas.

I tell my husband that I am not expecting him to come home and take care of the things I didn't get completed from that day. I just want him to remember that even though he has a bussiness to take care of he also has a family as well. I am very respectful when I bring up my problems with him.

In the summer my husband works 12-14 hour days sometimes more. I understand that summer is the busy time and I am fine with that.

I want support, respect, an active father/husband.

User - posted on 07/24/2009

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Questions:



When you say you "do everything" what do you mean by that? Does your hubby take care of the yardwork, the car maintenance, the finances, anything at all? Or do you truly "take care of it all"? (I ask because when we're frustrated, we have a tendency not to see the whole situation as it really is.



How many hours a week does your husband work? Is he at home at all to play with and help with the boys?



What things bother you? How are you communicating these things to him? (timing, tone of voice, wording, etc.)

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