Anyone trust your parents to take care of your kids?

Trician - posted on 09/18/2012

I will never leave my baby with either of my parents unaccompanied! My mom was physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child. My father is off his meds bipolar and is an up by 4am for his first cocktail alcoholic. My parents have extremely bizarre personalities and my husband is totally on board with limiting their contact with our baby after shes born next month. Fortunately i live 1000 miles away from my horrible parents so i see this as a non-issue. I only see them twice yearly. My mother in law is great and i would leave my baby with her anytime, but shes 2000 miles away.

Cassie - posted on 05/02/2011

I'm lucky and have parents (and inlaws) who are very supportive and want to help. However we have had to set some ground rules for my mother in law: 1. She must give my son his medication or she will not be able to have him again (and yes we will notice!) also he has to have a certain bedtime otherwise he becomes uncontrollable and she will want to hand him back! We also have the rule of no presents unless its a birthday/xmas/easter etc. If she must spend money on the kids - clothes are welcome anytime.
My father used to take my son occasionally for a little "man skills training". My daughter would be doing this now but Dad is getting on a bit now and we've had to change it up a bit. Dad can take the kids for a few hours but otherwise overnights have finished. He has also been told that smoking near the kids will leave us no choice but to ban his visits (to which he & I are not happy - but hubby is right about the kids health coming first so I do support him in this!). My father is keen to help us out when bub#3 comes along but knows that his hearing loss makes being a babysitter difficult.
We've suggested that it's important that our kids be around when the new baby arrives to get to know them aswell and see that I'm not going to send them away/ignore them for the new baby but that I have some ideas on how he can help (which he is thrilled to do):
1) Babysit in my house with me - aka entertaining and feeding them while I sit with the baby. A short park visit for them is fine. So it's more like having someone come over to play than remove them from Mummy.
2)Do a few of the chores (mowing lawns, washing dishes, a load of laundry etc.)
3)Spend sometime keeping me sane - aka adult conversation! During those first weeks (especially when number 2 comes along) you can quite willing put yourself into a seclusive state. Company forces you to atleast have a shower once a day and not loose those hard earned conversation skills.
4)Do my grocery shopping for me or help me coral the kids while I do the shopping (my shopping lists have brands and sizes on them cos hubby occasionally has to cover for me when I'm crook).
5)Cook dinner - and eat with us! We'd love to go out to dinner with him but it's not always feasable. If he cooks for us it feels just as special and the kids get to experience someone elses cooking.
All in all we're pretty happy with how things go - especially since my mother in law realised we were right about our sons meds! It was a little awkward when we had to set the rules for MIL but we've worked through it because we we're all determined to do the best for the kids. Gently and with respect for their experience and views (even if I didn't agree) worked for us as an approach to my fathers bruised ego (getting old sux apparently).
Hopefully these suggestions may help you too!
Best of luck! :D

Kristi - posted on 05/02/2011

I understand you completely and I do not trust my parenst with my children as my parents are totally uninterested in being grandparents it seems. I had a c-section last June and I had my 15 month old at home so I really needed help (I think you will too). I was fortunate enough to have my sister in law to help me and it was great! I think it would be a good idea for your mother to come to you, that way it is your turf so to speak. Your son will be happier, not feel 'sent away' and replaced by the new baby and I think that is really important. He will have time to bond with baby too.

Jillian - posted on 05/02/2011

there is no easy way to tell her without hurting her feelings i wouldn't trust my mother with my pet nevermind my child, nor my mil and i tried for my husband but everytime i picked him up she was drunk one time he was playing with carpenter screws while she was drinking in her office i fight with my husband about this all the time but if you can't trust someone go with your instinct and just tell her or it causes more problems in the long run just tell her you want him with you so he feels part of the experience and doesn't develop jealousy towards his sibling if you are there with her it may be easier thats how i am with my mil now she can only be with my son if i am there his safety and health comes first i didn't care that it insulted he in the long haul my son's life is worth more to me than my mil's feelings

OhJessie - posted on 05/02/2011

For whatever it's worth, I wouldn't leave my kids with my mother for five minutes (in fact, it took about 5 minutes for my mom to try to turn my daughter against me. She's just evil,and she gets her jollies making babies cry too.) If you don't trust her, DON'T. But then not all moms are as cruel as mine. I hope.

Colleen - posted on 05/01/2011

My own mother isn't mentally capable to watch my kids so she is out. However we were letting my MIL watch the kids and stay over at her house. We have recently changed that because of her health is failing and it isn't safe for her to have the kids. She may not like the decision but it is the best one for the kids and that is what matters. You are the mom and what you day goes when it comes to your kids. Only you know your mom and if you don't trust her with your kids then don't.

Jamie - posted on 04/29/2011

I trust my parents to babysit my daughter for a day but I wouldn't leave her with my mom for long periods of time or chose he to be DD's guardian if something happened to me and DH.

Robyn - posted on 04/29/2011

I trust both my mom and my inlaws to watch my kids, my inlaws watch my girls more than my mom because they live 5 mins up the street and my mom lives an hour away.they watched my oldest while i was in the hospital recovering from labor with my second. they love they're grandkids and wouldn't let anything happen to them, i'd even say that they're a little too overprotective lol

Amanda - posted on 04/28/2011

i trust my mom and my in-laws to care for my kids. A few days after i had my first baby i had a seizure and ended up being put in the hospital for over a week and my MIL and mom took turns keeping my baby girl for me. It was hard for me to be away from my new born but there is just no way that i could of cared for her with myself being in the hospital. My husband had to work and needed a lil help anyway b/c it was our first baby. My family really helped me through this and when i had my second baby my mom came to stay with me at my house for a few days while i was recovering from my c section. I am thankful that i have parents that want to help me out.

Maria - posted on 04/27/2011

My parents watch my 10mons old all the time... The first time he spent the night was at 2mons old... It was hard for me but know he spends the weekends, I live only 5mins away ands over all the time and the love being with my lil man, however we dont trust my fiance's family with him... my MIL barely spends 5mins with him before giving him back and then complains she doesn't see him alot... It all depends on how you feel... Just be honest, you know whats best for you and your little ones :)

Jasmine - posted on 04/27/2011

i feel the same as you! my son is almost 12months and there have been times when she has wanted to have him stay with her for the night and stuff but i havent allowed it,she doesnt keep a close enough eye on him for my liking.

Jane - posted on 04/27/2011

If no one's mother or MIL can be trusted to take care of their grandbabies, then how did they manage to raise all of us?

Patricia - posted on 04/27/2011

i don't trust my mother inlaw as far as i can kick her just tell your mom hubby is a great support and want to do this for you

Viridiana - posted on 04/27/2011

dont tell her. just tell her you'd be a lot more comfortable taking care of him yourself. if she asks why just say your use to it and will miss they baby too much, not to mention your husband won't know what to do without him.

Amy - posted on 04/27/2011

Honestly, I'm not crazy about sending my daughter & stepson to their Grandpa's house. That's mostly because I know that he doesn't do rules anymore, so they get whatever they want, don't go to bed until they want to (midnight or so) and he's mostly deaf so my daughter gets frustrated easily when asking him for something. We still let them sleep over there about once a month so that they get time w/Grandpa & we can have a night off to go on a date and have some time without worrying about kids.

I agree with what a lot of other moms have said about having your mom come to you. If she really wants to help you out, she'll understand that it's better for your son to be home with you while you recover. Not to mention, you can get help with housework, cooking, etc. and your son can get used to the new baby while there's someone else to help take care of him if you're feeding or changing the new baby. Also, like someone else said, if you send him to Grandma's for a few days, he may feel abandoned - especially if he's not used to going to Grandma's on his own, and that's the last thing you want your little man to feel.

Jenn - posted on 04/26/2011

I trust my MIL more then i trust my mom. Not that my mom isn't capable because she was a great mom to me and my sister, she is a very intellignet woman and i love her with all my heart, but simply because of some things she does like smoking in the house and drinking etc. I know she would keep my kids safe and would never intentionally harm them but i feel more comfortable with my MIL because she lives for her grand kids, they are everything to her (she has eight). My mom never shows an interest in taking my kids anyways even for an hour so it works out fine.

Rebekah - posted on 04/26/2011

There is a big difference between giving up control to a grandma who spoils her grandkids and does things you wouldn't necessarily do yourself, and those of us who have legitimate safety concerns about the quality of care. Cookie before dinner? Fine, it's not every day. Lost my kid and I find him playing 3 feet from a busy road? Not so cool.

At any rate, the way I would approach it is to say that you don't want your older son to feel neglected and that Mommy doesn't want him, so you'd like to have him around, but it would be great if she could help around the house with meals or laundry, or lifting your son -- whatever restrictions you might have or things that would truly be helpful. Best of luck to you and congratulations on the baby!

Eillim - posted on 04/26/2011

do you consider yourself as turning out ok? if so, then let her help! she raised you didn't she?

Kat - posted on 04/26/2011

I didn't have a C section with my son, so I'm not sure exactly how much help you'll need and with what you will need it with. However, I am assuming that you're going to need some assistance for a little bit around the house and with diaper changes and things that require a lot of motion. If you feel that your son is in danger if your mom is watching him, stick to your intuition and tell her you'd prefer to just let her know on a day-to-day basis if you need help. If you don't feel your son is in danger with her (and I mean life or death), invite her over to help out in the house...that way her energy isn't geared towards watching your son but you also have her there to help with minor child-related tasks that you can supervise.

Sarah - posted on 04/26/2011

I don't trust my mother to watch my baby either. I never leave her alone with her I don't think there is a way to deal with it without huting your mom's feelings. I think the best thing to do is to be honest this way she can fix what you do not trust. It will hurt her feelings but she will get over it.

Diane - posted on 04/25/2011

Hi, I just wanted to say that it is VERY hard to tell your parents (who in most cases raised u) that you do not trust them or 'want' them to be alone with your children.My oldest (with my husband,I have 'other'children that came (and unfortunatly) stayed with their dady. but my oldest turned 4 last September.Until early this year they had never been with a sitter and have only spent the night without their father and/or I once.The biggest reason we have been having them with a babysitter is because in Jan the kids and my husband were in a car accident,totaling our van so it is hard to take everyone with us... Before my daughter was born to now I have always told my mom that she is not and will not have my children alone and they are never to be left alone with my stepfather.we usually end up arguing about it every time she brings it up and it is very hard to not give in.I know they love my kids and my kids love them,but sometimes it isnt about the love.For many reasons I do not trust them and have explained them all to my mother before.My mother in law I trust with my kids,but they do not stay at her house either with out my hisband or myself (my mother in law will come to our house to watch the kids whenever we need her to).I still am not sure how I feel about them staying at their Grandfather (my husbands father) and doubt they will ever stay at my fathers.
My suggestion to you is to be honest and open with your parents.Explain to them what makes u not trust them and see if there is something u can do to compromise. ( My mom will come here and play with the kids,sometimes I will lay down while she visits with them but I am most always with in ear shot).one day last summer, we went to visit my parents and then they went on a picnic with. I try to include them in as much as I can with the kids so that they get time with each other,i can rest a little and it helps heal some of the hurt feelings... Best of luck to you :)

Sandy - posted on 04/25/2011

I don't trust my mom to watch my child alone, but because she has health problems and hasn't watched children on her own in over thirty-five years. I do trust my in-laws though, because they had another grandchild recently and teach Sunday school so are accustomed to children.

Tiffany - posted on 04/25/2011

My parents yes...I don't like to leave them with my MIL and FIL no way!!!

Nicole - posted on 04/25/2011

I am lucky enough to trust my parents and my in-laws. However when my son was younger this was not the case, he is now almost 3 and we r good. I would suggest maybe letting ur mom come to ur home to help?! That way she is not alone w ur child but u still get a bit of help!

Stephanie - posted on 04/25/2011

I trust my mother and stepfather as well as my fiance's mother and stepfather to watch our son, but I've never let my father and his girlfriend of my fiance's father and his wife to watch him. I've also never let either of my 2 sets of grandparents watch him (though both have expressed an interest), I'm just not comfortable with the idea. I trust our mothers because they hardly ever take an eye off him (and when they do they're always listening just in case something happens when he is unsupervised.

I also let my brother and his girlfriend watch him once in a while if it's for a short period of time (like a few hours) and would be ok with my fiance's siblings watching him. My point is, there are some family members I trust more than others when it comes to watching our son. I'd never allow someone outside of our family to watch him.

Celissa - posted on 04/25/2011

I don't think you should leave him with your mother if you don't trust her, period. I'm sure you have plenty of good reasons. I think it would be difficult for you to relax and heal while you worry that he is ok. Just tell her no, you'd rather he didn't and leave it at that. If she presses for reasons, tell her the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts peoples feelings but unless you want to lie that's you're only option. I always go with my guy instinct.

My mother keeps my son a night every other weekend. She'd had to keep him for a whole week before while my husband was in the hospital. I didn't worry about him but my mom knows my rules and she follows them (with some lenience, you have to let them spoil them a little.) Every family is different and just because other people trust their parents to watch their kids doesn't mean you have to.

Kim - posted on 04/24/2011

I think you need to look back to your past and remember the times you spent with your grandparents. I bet there are lots of great memories and most of them are because nan & pop did things completely different to mum & dad. We live in a society where kids are wrapped in cotten wool and not allowed to explore their environment, take chances, or god forbid experience an injury however slight. Kids learn by doing, not just watching and, experiencing things in different ways is just another way of learning. While my parents and in-laws do things I wouldn't, and let the kids get away with things I wouldn't, they were none the less safe, and have grown into well adjusted kids. As for losing your kids - lets just say that one of mine was very good at losing the adult a few times until I put a harness on her. Grandparents like parents make mistakes, but at the end of the day we survived. Now put the shoe on the other foot, how do you think you would feel if in the future, your child feels they can't trust you to look after their children?

Stephanie - posted on 04/24/2011

my mom, yes....my husbands mom, no. my parents and my sister are the only ones who have watched my daughter and she is 2

Ronni - posted on 04/21/2011

Melissa I feel the same way. I have never left my son with my mom either. I dont think she realizes how much stuff he can get into. I know her and my dad work but they only live 15 min away. When she visits its only for a few min. Shes only changed his diaper once and thats because I talked her into it. Shes never made any effort to try to help with him. I know Im over protective but when she says stuff like they over protect kids around here and make the parks too safe. What am I supposed to think. Im an only child she always hounded me to have a kid. Now that she has a grandson I feel like she doesn't even know him. It makes my boyfriend (my sons dad) very upset. Maybe you should just let her know that you appreciate the offer but you are afraid that she cant keep up with attention he needs. Hes at the age where he gets into everything. My son is 20months and loves to show off what he knows and hes very emotional. He likes to give lots of hugs and kisses. As far as my mom watching my son I just make excuses. You can try that too.

Jane - posted on 04/21/2011

I have trusted my parents to take care of my kids when my parents and my kids were younger. Sometimes when my husband was facing yet another health crisis they would drive down and get the kids. They would keep them for a week or ten days, until my husband was sent home. Then they would bring them back.

My parents always loved taking care of my kids because they behaved better than my brother's kids. And my kids always enjoyed staying with them except for one thing. As my daughter put it, "At Grandma and Grandpa's house you have to eat SALAD!"

Now my parents are in their 80's and my kids are in their teens, so these days we (the kids and I) take care of them. In fact, the last time the kids were with my parents my Dad had a fainting spell at a restaurant during the trip back and my daughter freaked out. I reminded her to call 911 next time and she has gotten less worried. She was 14 at the time.

My in-laws would have been terrific at looking after the kids, too, but they were much older than my own parents and lived several large Western states away from us, so it never came up.

Ann - posted on 04/21/2011

I would let my kids LIVE with my parents, thats how much I trust them. They are probably more over-protective and careful than I am, and trust me I am OCD when it comes to my kids. If you don't trust your mom with your son, than trust your own instincts... You are probably right! I don't think its a bad thing to let her help you with your son (i.e feed him, change diapers etc.) when you are there too, just don't leave him alone with her. And simply tell her that you don't want him to feel left out because there is another baby here and having him around while she helps with ensure his security from his momma and makes him feel less "abandoned". Hope that helps :)

Sally - posted on 04/21/2011

I trust them for short amounts of time at my house.
The time limit is because: My inlaws are old and unhealthy and as much as they would love to take care of the grandkids, they physically can't take it for more than an hour or two. My mom loves her grandchildren, but has never been good at paying attention or taking responsibilty. That's not as bad when kids get bigger, but with littles...not a good idea to let it go too long.
It happens at my house because: My in-laws have a dog that bites; my mother's house should be condemned; and neither of them has shown much interest yet in making sure my allergic one eats the right food unless I provide it. They also work very hard to make sure the non-allergic one gets all the treats that are unsafe for her lttle sister and little sister is getting big enough to be upset about it. Those treats simply don't come into my house so it's not an issue here.
Would it be less scary to have your mom in your house so you can keep an eye on her? It's not like you'll feel up to taking him out anyway. If you really can't handle her, just tell her that as much as you'd love help, you'll really be fine. Or ask her to help with the household chores so you can give both your children the mommy time they'll need. I
Good luck

Sarah - posted on 04/21/2011

Both sets of parents watch my kids. I had to let go of some things but realized that thy would never let anything happen to them. I did have a seemingly casual conversation (as I did not want them to take offense at making sure they watch my kids) about TV shows and being totally freaked out about CSI and whatever when kids are involved in the crime. We talked about how things have changed since I was little (running down the sidewalk all by myself to wherever I wanted to go) and what that means when we (generic we) take kids to the playground and the like. It was agreed upon and recognized and the kids are watched like a hawk when they are out.

You do need to give her a chance. By never letting your kids be with her alone she is going to pick up on the fact that you don't trust her and that could hurt your relationship. I have 2 kids and had a c-section with both. Believe me when I say you are going to want the older one to get out at some point in those first days home. But you do want them around as well. SO, maybe watching in house is good and then Mom can take him for a walk or something. You are going to need to learn to trust her and if you feel concerned and notice no improvement, you are the parent and you can set the rules.

Chairettie - posted on 04/21/2011

I don't trust my mom (even if her health was not failing miserably. I am sure there is good intent but I am sure there are a ton of us out there feeling the same was as you are right now. I would just tell her you appreciate her offer but it isn't necessary. If you have someone help out just let her know you had already had offers and you didn't want to impose becuase you know how demanding 18mo little ones can be :o) Congrats on on your new bundle of joy.

Charlotte - posted on 04/21/2011

I wouldn't trust mine either! But that's ok cos we don't live in the same country and even when I went to visit with the kids she never offered to look after them. I was adopted at 14 months and was very much in advance for my age so she has no real experience with young kids. What's more she prevents me and my man from telling them off for bad behavior so there is no way I'd want her looking after them!

Crystal - posted on 04/20/2011

I couldn't imagine not being able to trust my Mom. She is the first person I go to if I need help with my kids. Is your concern that she doesn't pay attention to him while you're there, or doesn't want to interact with him? If its when you're there, it may be because she doesn't think he's her responsibility, or doesn't want to step in when you're there. If it's with a situation that is dangerous to him and she lets it happen, then I totally agree. If its when you're there, maybe go slowly and let her watch him while you go to the store for 20-30 mintues, and build up. ???

You're most likely going to need someone's help. Best of luck!

Sherri - posted on 04/20/2011

I honestly can't imagine not trusting my mom and not allowing her to watch my kids. She is one of the only babysitters I do trust on occasion. Kind of makes me sad.

Heather - posted on 04/20/2011

i would have your mom be around you while you are recovering not send your boy with her. when i have my next child i too will have a c-section and im not sure on wether i want my child away from me because its a new change so having your parents around is not such a bad idea it includes them and your child will be there to experience this new life that came into the world

Chesnie - posted on 04/19/2011

I deff trust my mom. She keeps her about 2 nights a month and any time I need her. She has liver disease and is on disability so doesn't work but when she isn't feeling well or dehydrated I don't ask her too. I love my mom dearly, she raised her other 12 year old grand daughter so she knows what to do.

Chesnie - posted on 04/19/2011

I deff trust my mom. She keeps her about 2 nights a month and any time I need her. She has liver disease and is on disability so doesn't work but when she isn't feeling well or dehydrated I don't ask her too. I love my mom dearly, she raised her other 12 year old grand daughter so she knows what to do.

Tracie - posted on 04/19/2011

I love my mom dearly. She was and is a great mom to me. However, she has forgotten how diligent one must be when watching children. She lost my 4 year old at a crowded outdoor carnival and had no excuse except to keep saying, "She was right here!" I found her after a very frightening and excruciatingly long 10 minutes.

Every time since then, I have politely declined her offers to watch my girls.

The truth shall set you free. Be honest with your mom. Tell her you're concerned because toddlers require CONSTANT supervision. I call it being on "suicide watch" because you have to stop them from accidentally killing themselves 20 times a day. There is no room for even a momentary lapse.

If she hears all this and feels up to the challenge and you don't mind, give her the chance, but stay nearby in case she falters. Your first duty is always to protect your children, even if it's from your own mom.

Best of luck to you for a quick and painless delivery!!

Jacquie - posted on 04/18/2011

Don't have that choice my mom is dead but I as hell would let her. I wouldn't be able to keep her away if she was a live. So don't be so hard on your mom. It's sounds to me that you want to punish her for something in your pass. Who wold get your kids if god for bide you and your spouse were to die? Would your children go to your mom or have you arrange for someone else to raise your children for you. Didn't think of that did you. So what I am saying is stop being a shit and give your mom a break. We are not prefect and so if she doesn't watch them 24/7 who dose I bit you don't. How could you your not super woman and when you have your next one believe me when I say you'll be kicking yourself for not letting her help you. but the chose is yours. Good luck

Jacquie - posted on 04/18/2011

Don't have that choice my mom is dead but I as hell would let her. I wouldn't be able to keep her away if she was a live. So don't be so hard on your mom. It's sounds to me that you want to punish her for something in your pass. Who wold get your kids if god for bide you and your spouse were to die? Would your children go to your mom or have you arrange for someone else to raise your children for you. Didn't think of that did you. So what I am saying is stop being a shit and give your mom a break. We are not prefect and so if she doesn't watch them 24/7 who dose I bit you don't. How could you your not super woman and when you have your next one believe me when I say you'll be kicking yourself for not letting her help you. but the chose is yours. Good luck

Latoyia - posted on 04/18/2011

I don't trust my mom or anyone really in my family except for 1 of my aunts. However I kinda trust my mother-n-law but she is too easy going and do no in force boundaries. This concerns me b/c I want my daughter to respect healthy boundaries.

Kristin - posted on 04/18/2011

if i wasn't able to trust my mother with my son, i wouldn't know what to do.
she raised three kids so i know she knows how to handle a baby and what to do. when i came home from the hospital, i spent a month at my mothers so she could help me and teach me things.

Alicia - posted on 04/18/2011

I do not trust my mother either. She is as irresponsible now as she was when I was growing up! To avoid hurt feelings I just tell her "I will call you when I need help" She generally gets the hint. Good luck.

Bridgette - posted on 04/18/2011

I trust my mother to take care of my baby boy, but not for a long period of time. I am sure she will do her best to keep him safe and happy but there are many things she does (like smoking and letting a 4-month-old eat a little of everything off her plate) that I dont agree with.

If you think you can manage it (and not worry about his safety) I would let her have him for a day, then just say you need to have him back because you miss him. If that is even too long you just need to tell her that you would feel more confortable having both your kids and would gladly accept her help during the day at your house if you want that.

Lois Emery - posted on 04/18/2011

Tell her the reason and ask that she pay more attention, grandparents arn'e as dumb as some think we are. I can't take care of my youngst because I am to old and ill and it makes me cry not to be able to do for him like I did for all the others. My grandson is the light of my life. He also loves me dearly but understands my limitations and trys to help

Holli - posted on 04/18/2011

My mom and sister are the only ppl I trust with my baby, my dad and my fiances parents are another story...

Charlie - posted on 04/18/2011

I absolutely trust my mum to look after my boys , I have made it very clear how they will taken care of in reguars to disipline , food ect and she is all good with that .