Are your friends really your friends?

Jessica - posted on 09/06/2012 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Ladies

I wasn't sure who else to talk to about this and it may really sound high schoolish, but I need other peoples opinion on this. There is a group of friends here on base that we usually hang out or really I should say its just three of them hanging out and I'm usually the outsider. Which is no big deal cause I'm usually busy with my husband and little girls. Female A has a husband that is deployed and a 11 year old girl. Female B has a family of 5 and a husband. Female C has a 5 year old boy, pregnant and due in November and her husband is soon going to Korea for a year. We With female A I feel like she wants to be the center of the party and let me tell you she is 1 year shy from 40 years old. I feel like she talks about events that happen in front of me to feel left out and its just starting to get really uncomfortable. I mean of course I would love to hang out but I have my priorities set differently and my husband isn't deployed either. So females B and C are usually at her house till late hours of the night, which really doesn't bother me. So whenever I do go around she just makes me feel weird. So yesterday I decided to make a lunch to see how things went and I invited them over, so as we are talking about the birth plan of the pregnant girl, I made a comment to her saying "I will probably be crying with you" so Female A says " then you are going to be the last person that we call".... You know little comments like this are just uncalled for. I love having friends but not ones that make me feel like this. My husband says if its in your gut then its probably true. Is she jealous of me or does she want to be the center of it all, I don't know but I didn't think I'd be going through this with someone that is 10 years older than me. What do y'all think? Am I being childish?

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Holly - posted on 09/07/2012

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Just another thought she could be in that mode of wanting to be younger since u are.. She feels she has to be the center of attention to keep the other 2 woman on her side.. Most woman have insecurities so Pauline could very well be correct. She's just jealous... 1 thing I've found out if people don't want to be ur friend don't try and make them.. It will be heartache on ur part... Just have fun and enjoy who u are!

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Shelly - posted on 09/08/2012

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Have you tried inviting just one of them over at a time, maybe for a play date with your kids, or a cup of coffee? Perhaps the other two would be more friendly if they are away from "A".

Jessica - posted on 09/07/2012

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I agree with all of you. My husband told me not to reach out to her. For example I texted her yesterday about an event going on, I waited for her to text back and never did. So today she texted me and I never texted back. I don't want to be a friend only when you don't have your other friends and that's exactly how I feel. She goes with the flow with the others. Which is fine that's you not me. I'm just gonna pull away slowly. All I need is my true best friend, my husband and my baby girls. Of course we never want to get old but there is a time in life when you need to be mature and know what's important in life. Sadly is 2 of the other girls are moving so she is going to be left alone cause all that rubbing in, in my face is getting old and its gonna be too late. I won't be around for that. I hope to surround myself with people that don't need to compete with me, that's not what I'm about.

Melissa - posted on 09/07/2012

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And don't give all the effort in the friendship. If she won't respond to you in the same way you respond to her she's not worth your time and effort.

I'm 28, a SAHM and I have had to learn who I should put my effort into.

Currently, it might sound sad but...my husband is my bff and the only one. I would love a girlfriend but its hard to invest intto a friendship.

Melissa - posted on 09/07/2012

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She might have issues of her own. Like a bad marriage, or anything else. Or maybe she just has some major attitude adjustments to make. You should treat others how they treat you. Or you could kill her with kindness. Its your choice but don't let her bully you, you are worth more than that.

Alana - posted on 09/07/2012

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Have you ever thought of reaching out to this woman since she seems so unhappy or do you think she will continue to be rude? Im not trying to stick up for this woman but it sounds like she's hurting and may need a true friend!

Tracy - posted on 09/07/2012

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I agree with your hubby. MOST friendships I've had have been in some way like this. Support is non-existent and it's a one-up competition. Either that or it's a 24/7 party while not considering how it effects the family/kids. I've had a friend for 25 years now, once upon a time a BEST friend, who these days prefers to hang out with the young single girls that are 10-15 years her junior. She has two little boys at home (oldest is 5) and a hubby who works often 70+ hours per week to support them. But she just comes across as HATING her life despite the gritted teeth claiming she loves her family. She wants me to go out with them to the bars and stuff but I won't. Just not my thing because my family comes before all the parties. Sounds like it's kind of the same gap between these "friends" of yours and you. They seem to want to be single and 18 again while you are thinking of your family and future. I wouldn't let these GIRLS get you down. Know that you are a WOMAN who outgrew her childhood. Some people never do (most people, by my experiences!) So count yourself very lucky that you grew up! Your kids (and hubby) will love you more for it. :)

Jessica - posted on 09/06/2012

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Thanks Pauline!

I just spoke to another friend of mine that knows the group also and she said the same thing. Since F-A has a deployed husband,she really has nothing else to do besides try to be the center of attention. Sad but oh well. I guess I just need to question our friendship and if I feel uncomfortable around her then is she really a friend?!?! Thanks again

Pauline - posted on 09/06/2012

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In my opinion your not being childish. Sometimes you need an outside opinion than within your circle because someone will obviously get offended (Female A) then before you know it Female B and C will not be your friend. I think that F-A wants the grass to look greener on her side but in reality something about you maybe you having more kids, a loving husband, a happy home or even there's something about you that she admires but has too much pride to say. I've noticed that people with insecurities "HIDE" it by behaving this way. Its good to have friends but I have a friend like F-A all i do is try avoiding her as much as possible. Try not to put yourself in a position to let her "win". I ended up finding new mom friends who have the same interests that i do and i can say all gatherings are more fun and i never feel awkward. Good luck!

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