Asking too much when I ask for help

Myetta - posted on 06/23/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I have 4 kids. *6,4,2, & 2 months* The youngest two and my fiance's. We've been together for 4 years and living together for 3.

Right now he's the only one working, I'm home with the oldest and the youngest, the middle two girls are in daycare. He's out of the house from 6 am till about 5 pm m-f.

When he gets home he takes off his book bag and sits in his recliner and plays video games. Im usually cooking dinner and hand out snacks when he comes in with the girls and get them settled with cartoons or a movie. I finish cooking and fix his plates and the 3 kids and then usually go get the kids clothes ready for school. After the kids eat it's treat time and bath time followed by bed.

All of this is done while I'm wearing the baby taking her off to run to go potty. I have to ask him to watch the baby while I take a shower or a bath only to be told when she goes to sleep. The only problem is while she's in the sling she's asleep but as soon as I take it off she'll wake up so no shower for me, or dinner or whatever. After the big 3 are in bed I usually wash thte dinner dishes and make sure the toys are picked up. And lay down to nurse the baby before she goes to bed. Now he sleeps in the living room and I sleep in our bed with the 2 youngest ones and in the am after he leaves I'm cleaning up his blanket, pillows and it seems like a collection of dishes and clothes. "I never get time alone, even grocery shopping I take 1-2 of the kids and he still calls asking how long before i return.

He's told me he just wants to relax when he gets home because he works all day but I have no peace ever to myself even while peeing someone is at the door asking for this or that.

How can I get more help without nagging him and giving him his time as well?

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[deleted account]

ok.. need to change a lot lol.. parents bed is for parents.. although i understand right now for 2 mos old obviously.. your fiance should be helping way more even when he gets home from work.. i sah with my boys.. my hubby cooks dinner when he gets home.. we eat, i bathe kids, he cleans kitchen.. we all clean up toys, do a rosary and then off to bed for boys. then my husband and i hang out.. doing whatever we do to relax.. in the am b4 he goes to work we get kids out of bed.. change diapers, he leaves, i do rest of day with them until he gets home again.. our schedule just kind of works out.. now he is in bt jobs so hes able to help out more during day.. if i need a break from all he says ok go out i got the kids and house.. its beautiful lol.. he knows i work as hard as he does.. his new job he will be home for month and then away for month. so we'll deal and get used to new schedule.. pls talk to your fiance about contributing more.. you work hard and i know he does too at his job but home is work a lil bit too

Jane - posted on 06/23/2010

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i know it's a hot topic, but things may change a bit if you keep your bed for just you and hubby w/a basinett next to the bed for the little one. he may feel like he's just another mouth to feed in the house instead of the husband and father. your marriage needs to come first and foremost, it is the cornerstone of any strong family. my parents have 7 kids, married for 56 years. they taught us all that w/out your marriage in place, things don't fall so easily.
as far as time for yourself, he may feel more inclined to do it if he feels important to you and to your family. i'm not saying, please your man, i'm saying that is seems like you two are worlds apart right now and you need to get back on track so the two of you are running the household together. not you doing all the parenting and him bringing home the check. you both need your roles clear cut; husband&wife and father&mother. you have no time to communicate so how can you know one another's thoughts and needs, feeling overwhelmed or feeling neglected?
when my father came home, my mother went upstairs for 1/2 hour and did whatever she did (i have no idea what she did, take a bath or a nap, etc.) then we all sat for dinner together.
plus the 3 kids can help you put toys away as part of pre-bedtime, kids love to feel like they are helping and it's good for them to be responsible.
being at home is a lot and i certainly am not a master at it, but things do work more smoothly when my hubby and i have time together, we both get to connect and we both feel appreciated. it isn't supposed to take just one person to raise a family, if it was, then we could just get pregnant by ourselves.

[deleted account]

What you are doing is called attachment parenting and it is beneficial for your baby's development. Unless you plan on going back to work, leaving the baby with a sitter often, moving the baby to his own crib later on, etc I wouldn't worry about that. When he wakes up being handed off to Dad, that's a good chance for him and his father to bond and for Dad to learn how to care for him.

I agree with PP and let him take care of the kids for a while. You need a break, too. He may work all day, but you work 24/7, there is no break/vacation time/sick days.

Gina - posted on 06/23/2010

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Oh, and it might not be my place, but wearing the 2m old all the time while your doing what needs to be done is only setting her/him up for disaster.baby won't feel comfortable with anyone but mommy and might have trouble sleeping on his own in bed because he is used to sleeping with all your motions thru out the day-that's y he wakes up as soon as you hand him off to dad.
It's nerve racking ,i know , but the best thing to do is just put baby down sometimes and let him cry but not for too long. And tell dad to figure it out himself while you get a shower! It won't killl him to walk around the room with his baby while u have 10 mins to wash your hair...

Gina - posted on 06/23/2010

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I am going thru this exact issue with my hubby!
In my opinion, he doesn't get " free time"!!! there are 4 kids between the pair of you and you aren't super mom... I say nagg the hell out of him! Those are his offspring too and he needs to man up and help you with them.
I don't care how much or how hard that man works outside the house,you do just as much inside, and until all 4 are in bed noone gets any time...if that means locking his games in a safe then do it! That is what all of my friends keep telling me to do with my hubby's xbox. I would throw that damn machine down the steps if i didn't think he would divorce me over it.

Maria - posted on 06/23/2010

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HHmmmm? well, in a way im kind of going thru the same thing. We have to just kind of leave our kids with 'em. we should never have to ask for Dad to babysit them. the kids are his responsibilty too! the only thingi think sucks is that when i do get my chance to escape...i fell guilty and i return home right away. but we do need time alone, to ourselves. you also need to talk to him to about helping around the house. yes, they work all day, my hubby does too, but they still have a house to come home to and responsiblities they need to attend as a father. if they dont think so then what are the here with us for? sometimes i think, even tho its wrong, and i love my husband dearly, that i can totally do everything by myself. we just have to talk about things. Loosing your husband because of not being able to talk to him would be kind of sad...if only we can speak to each other and really let out what we feel....it helps a whole lot! good luck!

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