Karen - posted on 08/15/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )
Karen - posted on 08/15/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )
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Karen - posted on 08/18/2011
Thank you everyone for your input and advice. I Have gotten my hubby to open up a little bit. He is not much of a talker (he is the only boy with 5 sisters!). He did admit that he is jealous of how much time I spend with our son when he doesn't get to see him as much. He also admitted to me that he is stressed about our finances, so we sat down again and refigured everything. He is feeling a lot better about things, and realizes that we're not as tight financially as he thought we were. Also apparently some guy at work has been giving him a hard time about all the "fun stuff" he's gonna miss out on now that he's a dad. The Only single guy at work that is! We're not quite back to where we used to be, but I didn't expect that to happen.
Samantha - posted on 08/17/2011
its stressful when you have a new baby. and it DOES cause alot of fights. But think about this. You loved him before the baby was born, you got along before the baby was born.and you will be like that again. all it takes is time, understanding. and occasionally saying "your right" its very hard,. Make time for you and your husband to go out together. That is VERY important. Thats what has kept me and my husband close after two kids. spending time with him is just as important as spending time with your baby. Talk things out, share your feelings, make it work. if not for your sake, for your babys sake.
Brandie - posted on 08/17/2011
My husband and I have had a long history of stress, and it sounds like you two are not communicating well. You need to actually sit down and give into yourselves. If you truely love eachother you will emba=race your family and love it. We were selfish people and loved or time and now we have 3 kids all being 2 years apart 5,3, and 17 months, and we are a great couple now. The key to our sucess is just give in honestly if you love eachother your not truely giving anything up. Just be mushy with eachother and and when you lay the baby down just enjoy eachother at night. Be adults together and remember that no matter how many friendsyou have how much you get to go out with that your spouse is the only one you vowed to be with. And if you realize he is you best firend and realized you are his best friend youll be amazed how much better you get along. Send cute txts, i call hime "my big sexy piece of man meat", its goffy but its cute and makes him laugh at work. Who would n't laugh at that. Except one time i sent ti to a girlfriend in stead of hime now she calls him that when she sees him, lol. Gotta keep your part up to, put soem lipstick on b4 he walks in the door it take 1 sec. And the house doesn't always have to be cleaned he needs to get over that, you have a full time job 24 hours a day. What would you spend on a good darecare? Thats what you should consider your pay is! Have a routine at night like say a prayer with your kids together, we have the same prayer and my olderst 2 now have it memorized ages 5 and 3, weve said it for a few years so it very cute now. Were not a big religious family but its a nice thing to do with our kids at night. I wish you well and if you want to talk more you can send me a message. Men are hard asses, but once you crack them their are totally soft!
Keri - posted on 08/16/2011
Who spends less than $50/week at the grocery store, especially someone with a 3 month old? Is your husband crazy? A consequence of one parent being a stay at home parent while the other works outside the home is, SHOCK, the SAMP having more time with the kid(s). I don't think my husband or myself got time away on our own until our boy was at least a year, so you're exceptional that you've both been out at least twice on your own. Honestly, I think you're both just struggling with the stress of a huge change (and yes, having a child is a huge change).
James - posted on 08/16/2011
I once got advice to just give Dad a chance to take your place, even for a day. It did and didn't work, at least the way I thought it would. He did clean the house and care for the child and get dinner put together. The catch? He defined "clean" a lot looser than I did. And when he cared for the child, he thought that planting them in front of the TV was acceptable enough. Dinner was bologna sandwiches, lol!
I found a quote by Patricia Clafford that sums up how I treat motherhood. "The work will wait while you show the child the rainbow, but the rainbow won't wait while you do the work." Of course you know, this phase of parenting won't last forever.
I suspect that the issues your husband has are merely outward symptoms of something else he'd rather not confess. Being the only income provider is scary to a man in this era. I would suggest that you try something opposite of what you've done up to this point. Consider offering praise to him for "all" that he does. Provide the best meal possible and add that "he's worth it". Thank him frequently for the opportunity he gives you to stay home while your child is so young. Remind him that this phase in child-rearing is so very short lived, encourage him to cherish each moment possible.
I challenge you to give that advice a try. Be sincere as possible and perhaps soon enough, you won't have to try.
Julie - posted on 08/15/2011
I agree with Megan. In my experience whenenver my husband gets snappy or frusterated it all boils down to his feeling neglected. Just something to keep in mind :)
I do agree though that it would be a good idea to sit down and do a budget together. When you have your set amount for groceries, make a list of what you need/want and then take him to the store with you and show him how far 50 bucks goes. Clip coupons, make a menu and list before you go so that you aren't buying things you don't need. If things are really really tight, consider cutting costs, cable, internet, cell phone plans etc. Things that are nice but that you don't HAVE to have.
Megan - posted on 08/15/2011
In my humble opinion, I think your husband maybe jealous of the time you are spending with the baby and not him. Hubby maybe taking out his frustration and resentment by nit-picking.
Michelle - posted on 08/15/2011
You're just adjusting to a lot of changes in your life. That can be rough on a relationship, things will get better. As to the grocery shopping, use coupons, store cards etc and maybe plan out a menu with your husband (letting him know how much each meal costs) and what else you need to buy. Maybe invite him to come to the grocery store for one trip with your list and show him. He's probably got no idea how much food costs. Maybe have a nice dinner after you put your son down one night. A little time to reconnect helps. Make time for yourself. Mostly be patient and give it some time. It's hard figuring everything out that first year, but it does get better like I said.
Carol - posted on 08/15/2011
What, your house isn't spotless and you don't get out? Welcome to parenthood. I was so naive before kids that I thought staying home would mean I'd get to garden the way I'd always wanted, the house would always be clean, the kids would always be happy, etc., etc. Then reality kicked in and I was a walking zombie until my son slept through the night at 9 1/2 months. Now that they're both in school I can finally start some of the things I thought I'd get to do 10 years ago.
If you're fortunate enough to have a few waking minutes while your son is asleep, sit down with your husband. Now is a great time since you've both had a few months to get the hang of how things are with your new roles. Redo the budget. Maybe you need a part time job on the weekends or he has to work a little more overtime to get everything you both agree you need or want. Clip coupons and use the price matching that some stores do (Wal-Mart is really easy) to save a little. Redo or start a list of chores and who does what including his work. It is so important to communicate. Make sure he knows if you need something - ie my husband swears he didn't know our son still got up until 9 1/2 months to eat because I always got up with him. Once he figured out how dead tired I was, he started to help more. We were way better when the 2nd kid came around. What's absolutely obvious to you may not be to him (I guess that can go both ways, but I swear they're oblivious)
Make sure you both get out too. Schedule a regular time for movies or sports or whatever keeps you from going insane. Good luck with the dates. We always wanted them, but hardly ever seem to get around to it. Now that the kids are older we can take short walks around the neighborhood.
Hang in there. The first year is the roughest if for no other reason than the total lack of sleep. Throw in a complete change of lifestyle and major responsibility - it takes a while for all 3 of you to adjust. Communicate always.
Charity - posted on 08/15/2011
It's a HUGE change from the days of being 'just the two of us' to being Mommy and Daddy. Sometimes you have to take a step back and remember that ya'll are in this together. You are fighting for a solution, not a 'win' to an argument. Every couple adjust differently. If your husband feels you spend too much money on groceries, then suggest he do the grocery shopping. If he would like more time with ya'lls son, suggest he take over baby duty when he gets home so you can finish the housework you haven't had the time to finish up while he was at work. I know how it is to be jealous of your husband going out alone more than you. I don't go out much, mostly bc my husbands schedule and my friends schedule don't match up to where he can watch our kids for me to go out. I just have to remind myself of that and the fact that he works very hard to provide for us. Since I don't work, he can go out whenever and I'm here to watch the kids. Also, I know the feeling of missing life before kids. It's normal! For my husband and I, It's mostly missing being us. We normally don't get a date night but once a year on our anniversary when my Mom watches our kids. It's hard! The only other advice would be to try and see things from the other persons perspective.
Michelle - posted on 08/15/2011
The stress of having a little human reliant on you 24/7 can push couples apart for a number of reasons. It's a HUGE change when baby comes along, mainly for Mum, but also for Dad.
Does he help out with your son he gets home? Or even on the weekends? My Hubby almost takes over when he walks in the door because I have been with the kids all day, running around doing things. He bathes our youngest while I sit down with the older 2 to do homework. He dresses her and even puts her to bed most nights. I usually work on Saturdays for a couple of hours and that's his time with the kids alone (the older 2 aren't his either). Some days our Daughter will have a crappy day with him and he completely understands why things don't get done or I'm frazzled when he gets home.
It might be an idea to sit down calmly together and let each other know how your feeling. Give each other 10mins each without interruptions to talk. Even if you have to prepare beforehand and write it down.
Parenthood is a 24/7 job and we really don't realize how exhausting it can be until we are parents. Since our daughter was born my hubby and myself have been out once and that was to go to a concert for a couple of hours. She's now 17 months old!!!!!