Competitive friends/ mommys

Mil - posted on 03/18/2013 ( 18 moms have responded )

16

0

0

How do I handle moms/ friends that only want to talk about their kids, invite you to their kids birthday party and don't show up to your kid's party.. They minimize your kids compared to theirs or compare EVERYTHING from toys to underwear. And I try to be genuine because I do love kids but at the same time, where's the mutual respect?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Barbara - posted on 03/19/2013

12

34

1

Mil, some people are quite tricky, aren't they? We recently moved out of state and I have been able to practice this. I was at a meeting for the first time and one of the women told me how large her kitchen is......my antenna went up there and I realized we would never be friends. Since that first meeting I have realized my instincts were right.

It has taken a while longer with another person. One day I realized that whenever I made a comment about myself or my kids, she one upped me. Either her situation was worse or her kids were better. Now when I make plans with her I go to the event knowing that this is not about me.......and when I go with those expectations, I have a good time.

I think we just take things a little slower as we get older and we find it somewhat easier to read people.

Jenn - posted on 03/19/2013

15

0

1

We all know people like this..they are not your true friends. I don't bother with anyone who feels they have to compare or put down others. It is a waste of time and energy to associate with them. Try to surround yourself with good hearted people....though they are not easy to find : )

Elfrieda - posted on 03/18/2013

2,620

0

457

p.s. I and many of my friends are in potty training mode, so it doesn't sound strange to me to have a conversation about underwear, don't worry! :P Depressing when you step back and realize we've been talking about gross child-expelled things this whole time instead of having stimulating conversation about non-kid things like Kelly said, but I think it's normal for this stage of life.

Elfrieda - posted on 03/18/2013

2,620

0

457

I was going to say stop being friends with them, just see them the minimum amount you can. But if they're your husband's friends, naturally the two families will want to spend time together. I understand that, my husband has a cousin whose wife I cannot seem to connect with. Not that she's not nice enough, but it feels like the only thing we can talk about is our kids because we have nothing else in common besides having children. Thankfully they live far away, so the awkwardness is not so bad to deal with every year or two. But last time she was here I suggested we go out to a nearby village. It's a bit touristy, with candles, fudge, tea and scones, etc. Turns out she loves that stuff (I'm not a huge fan, but I can enjoy it if I "adjust my attitude" as mom would say) and we actually ended up having a great time! I don't dread her coming over again at all.

Maybe you could first of all not see them quite as often. Send your husband out for a games/poker/beer night with those friends, or host it at your house.

Secondly, when you do get together, suggest outings where you do something, not sit around and have to talk as the only entertainment. Even going for a walk in the park where there are gardens to admire and bridges for the kids to run over might change the atmosphere away from comparing each others' kids.

Thirdly, if they don't come to your kids' party, then don't go to their kids' party. It's perfect, now slowly wean each other off attending these things that should really just be for the birthday child and the child's close friends. It will be cheaper, too.

Fourthly, if you can, be aware of all the comparing. It sounds like you are, but watch for it and have a plan as to what you will do in response. With my personality, the best thing to do would be to watch the whole thing as if it were a comedy, smile, and just get along, or maybe even egg them on a little bit. "Oh, he wears boxers! Wow, he's almost a man!" "The alphabet already! Have you tried teaching her to read? I'll bet she'll be the only 3-year-old who knows that!" And then see how far they can push the bragging. But if that doesn't amuse you, do something else. If you plan it ahead of time, it won't feel so much like you're their victim.

Oh, and get some real friends who like to be genuine. These are not real friends, they are convenience friends or obligitory friends. After you have some real friends, what these acquaintances think will stop feeling so important, and you might even get to enjoy the time you spend together, turning them into real friends after all.

Oops, sorry, this got very long.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

18 Comments

View replies by

Albaneze - posted on 07/21/2013

7

12

0

It's high time to keep it real! Their kids and there's no need for the nonsense. You have to say something otherwise the issue will get worse and feaster like an open wound. You gotta say something otherwise your gonna go insane!

Barbara - posted on 03/19/2013

12

34

1

Mil,

We both share a hobby so spending a little time with someone while sharing a hobby can be pleasant. We don't do this daily or even weekly but it can be pleasant periodically. Also, I am blessed to have wonderful friends who are very giving so it isn't such a big deal to share hobby time with a person who isn't giving.

Yes, listen to your instincts. Pay attention to what your gut says. It's good for self preservation

Mil - posted on 03/19/2013

16

0

0

Oh and one more thing... You say you do things with this one particular person " friend" and you have a good time knowing its never about you.. That's a hard pill to swallow..

Mil - posted on 03/19/2013

16

0

0

You know your right about the instinct thing Barbara! I need to trust my gut more with people.. Ill think something and red flag will go off and I tend to ignore it. I think oh your just being paranoid.. And usually I'm kicking myself later. So, the key is taking things slower and basically when someone shows you their true colors believe them huh!

Mil - posted on 03/19/2013

16

0

0

Barbara- how do you discern your friendships? I mean I always tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.. And as I have matured and realized not everyone wants to be your friend- they tend to like you being theirs.. just like you I don't really say much about my children or me for that matter to these people either because its seems to provoke them even more.. Or is it because I don't get the responses I feel deserved or whatever.. It's hard for me to discern really it is.. I used to think I was so good at it lol! Someone told me you give them little test not consciously. But over time you learn who your real friends are.. And like elfrieda said they become your friends later on.. Lately it's been hard for me to trust and I don't want to instill this characteristic in my kids- " not everyone is rotten" attitude.

Barbara - posted on 03/19/2013

12

34

1

We all have people like this in our lives. These types of people are on the periphery of my life. I see them on my terms and inwardly acknowledge that the time spent with them is not about me. If I need friend time to be about me, I spend it with true friends. When I am with these people, I seldom talk about my kids - I don't give them information about my children because they find a way to "one up" me. This type of person is not going to be a close friend of mine......we need to be discerning as we choose close friends. I choose my close friends carefully and keep others at an arm's length away.

Karen - posted on 03/19/2013

236

33

2

Good question! When you figure it out, let me know! I have the same issue. Even when I said things like, at 2 months old "I could watch my baby sleep all day, he looks so peaceful, I love when he sleeps on my shoulder." The response I got, "Oh, you'll get over that quick!" Well he is almost 2 years now, and I'm still not "over it" I love watching him sleep and cuddling with him. I do not know how to deal with her. She is supposed to be a "friend" but she doesn't act very friendly.

Mil - posted on 03/18/2013

16

0

0

Kelly- that would be my "friends" darling. Exactly to the tee.. But reality is I do have a great group of friends who I enjoy being with I just wish I didn't have to play the role and say you know what! You suck! Your personality! Everything! And your kid is NOT better than mine! Haha! I guess that's just not adult like behavior but I bet it would nip it quick.. So anyway I think I'll go with elfriedas fine examples... It's so humorous

Mil - posted on 03/18/2013

16

0

0

Oh my gosh Elfrieda I literally fell to tears laughing reading your post- not all of it of course! My husband would say what a genius(; thanks for great advice, really.

[deleted account]

I LOVE Elfrieda's suggestion about egging them on. I have a sister in law who can get a little competitive sometimes, and of course I can't just move on and find a new sil, so I'm going to give that a shot.

I know all about "obligatory friends" too. I have to be "friends" with the wives of my husband's employees...it's just the nature of his line of work.
Anyway, we live a pretty simple life--one kid, little house, inexpensive cars, you get the picture--and these women seem totally obsessed with how much more money than the others they can spend. They are very competitive in that sense: who has the priciest car, biggest diamond, biggest house, etc. I don't see the point. I don't get too annoyed with them because it's just material crap and I could care less if their car cost more than mine, but after thinking about it for a bit, I think I'd be ticked if they were implying their kids were better than mine.

Mil - posted on 03/18/2013

16

0

0

And to add to that they'll say things like what does My child want for his birthday and I give them things he enjoys or likes and they will get him completely opposite stuff or things too young for him. Gosh it just seems passive aggressive to me.

Mil - posted on 03/18/2013

16

0

0

Haha! I should have been a little more detailed with underware thing.. It went something like this, oh he still wears Whity tightys mine will only wear boxers!" And naturally I wouldn't get upset by the comment alone but it was her tone.. And yes like you I enjoy stimulating conversations and these women happen to be my husbands friends wives so it makes it a bit difficult for me.

[deleted account]

I'd just stop hanging out with them and find friends that respect you and your children. Honestly, how do you even end up talking to another mom about underwear?? Not my idea of stimulating conversation, I'd rather find people who like to discuss current events, books, and new ideas.
Don't get me wrong--I love my kid, and I love sharing his latest cute comment or achievement, and I love hearing my friends share stories about their kids too, but it's not the only thing I want to talk about.....and I could not possibly care any less about what underwear my friends' kids are wearing. Toys, I might care about those a little--if I'm debating what to get J for Easter or whatever I might ask for ideas, but I don't even know how to be competitive about toys. J doesn't like a lot of the toys his friends do, so we don't really have the same toys they do....in fact, most of the kids are very different in their interests. I like having friends with different toys than we have because it gives our kids something new to explore when they visit each other.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms