Dealing with a MIL that is saying stuff about you

Iliana - posted on 05/07/2010

I lived in chaos with my inlaws. Very similar to your problem except that my issue was not that I had a filthy house but that I am too strict and didn't let my kids do anything. By anything she meant with them. My FIL was a smoker and my kids have asthma. He didn't ever respect our wishes not smoke around them. They would come home after being at their house coughing and having asthma attacks that would keep us all up all night. They continually let the kids have sweets and treats even though we told them to stop. Their animals would pee and poo on the carpet and they thought it was okay because they wiped it up. I didn't want my kids playing in that. My hubby got into an argument with his sister one day. He told his mother to stay out of it. She didn't and picked her side. The clencher... she told us that she had think about herself for once and chose not to show at our daughter's 5th bday. I was outraged and had finally had enough. I finally told my husband enough was enough. My kids and I would no longer have anything to do with them. He told his mother that and she had a complete flip. My FIL began stocking the kids and I which got creepy. My husband told his father to get out of our lives for good.

We have not had anything to with them in 5years and life has not been better. I would say remove yourself from them. I know it's hard. We have lived some crazy things with them. You don't think people can be such psychos until you end up with in-laws like mine. Our life has improved substantially. Less arguments between us, kids' asthma improved, the drama is gone. We told my daughter a dumbed down version of what happened and left it at that. My son was too young and doesn't even remember them. We told my girl that they had been mean to us and they did not appologize for it and we don't associate with people who are mean to us and mistreat us and don't appologize. She left is alone after that. I never spoke of them since only to say they were just gone when she asked. I don't badmouth them or speak of them around the kids.

I know it's tough but stand your ground and speak your mind. Speak clearly, be concise, don't elevate your voice or let their insults bother you when you speak to them. Pretend you didn't just hear what they say. Don't show emotion no what they say. Remain calm. I did that and that set them even more because I would react to their nonsense. They would call and not even speak to me they would ask to speak to my husband. I would just say no and hang up. You don't have to listen or put up with nonsense from people you owe nothing to. Hope this helps. I know I was kinda ranting there. I just wanted to share part of experience. It is lengthy and take to long to really explain it all. Stay strong and don't waiver. It's not your fault that they're nuts.

Michelle - posted on 05/07/2010

Get pull-ups for at night so that if he does have an accident you don't have to change the whole bed just the pull-up pants and if he does get up in the night he can pull them down like underwear.

Charlotte - posted on 05/07/2010

Wow! And I thought my MIL was bad! I think you and your fiancé should talk to her and try to understand why she's saying such terrible things. And if you can't work it out then I agree with Gina's plan. Good luck!

Gina - posted on 05/06/2010

Give the ultimatum that was mentioned before,and let her call child services on you! when they find nothing wrong at your home she will be the one getting into trouble, not you. But use these tactics as a last resort only. If talking to her yourself doesn't work,maybe ask your reliable sources to help you get the point across that her words and plain disreguard for your rules in simply unacceptable.
If she has no quams about blabbing lies about you to them, then she should not be surprised if and when they stand up for you at your requst.

Amanda - posted on 05/04/2010

you are doing a fantastic job, he's healthy and happy, and that's all that matters. i know it's hard, but don't listen to your mil, she sounds like a bitter woman who is more interested about putting herself in the spotlight than anything else...you may want to ask your husband to talk with her (after all, she's HIS mother!), to tell her to stop being this way, and to respect your parenting authority over your own child.
for the house cleaning, You Are Pregnant. AND you have a toddler!! my daughter was born a month ago and my house is still untidy (dishes in the sink, i don't remember the last time i had the chance to vaccum!) but you are doing fine!! i only wish i was that organized!
as far as the fast food goes, i wouldn't let my child eat that much of it, either; there's a reason why they say you should only have it once in a while! (not that i'm a health freak, i'm at mcd's way more often than i should be, but i'm bigger, i can handle it).
overall, make sure that you and your husband are united in your front aganst your mil, or she'll keep doing what she's doing. make sure he lets her know that what she's doing is WRONG and she will not be able to see your son if she continues.
i wish you hope and luck in dealing with this manipulative and controlling woman...as someone else has already said, stick to your guns! he's YOUR child, YOU are the parent, she already had kids so she's had her chance to be a parent, and you are not one of them!

Dawn - posted on 05/04/2010

http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/l...
the above link gives info on system wide laws on child welfare in the US

Dawn - posted on 05/04/2010

Sarah Budden,

i do not know where you are from ,but in the US, making a false report of child abuse to child welfare services/child protective services is against the law. if you are from the US, your MIL could get into trouble making false reports of child abuse. i know that in several states, making a false report of child abuse is made illegal in criminal sections of state code and is even upgraded to a felony in some states depending on whether there are subsequent offenses of making a fale child abuse report by the same person

Dawn - posted on 05/04/2010

i would discuss this with your husband and if he can't tell her to knock it off you tell her and also tell her that if she is going to continue to speak of your family in a disrespectful mannor then she does not need to come around and visit your child anymore and you definitely won't be bringing your child around to visit her either. i am sure that after giving her that kind of ultimatum she will change her tune pretty quickly, but you have to stick to your guns on the ultimatum otherwise she will think your bluffing and continue to stab you in the back to others.
i also think that your MIL may be jealous that her son is paying more attention to you than her and is trying to shake things up between the 2 of you. the fact that she threatens to call child welfare services on you is a control tactic to gain control over things. you and your husband need to put your feet down and nip this drama in the bud right away and although her feelings may get hurt , it's nothing compared to the way she has verbally attacked you to others and has manipulated both you and your husband so she'll have to learn to get over it . i wonder if your MIL ever wonders what her grandson will think of her one day when he finds out that she had been saying all of these mean things about his mom and dad... maybe you should also tell her that. she is setting a very bad example

Megan - posted on 04/28/2010

sounds like you are a fantastic mum and your mil just needs to back off. I hope things get better for you

Sarah - posted on 04/28/2010

she has told other members of his family who have come and brought it to my attention. We have gotten along perfectly up to now. as for my house, my son knows once he is done playing with one toy to put it away and get another, you will never come in and see a huge mess of stuff everywhere, i grew up into a house that wasnt the cleaniest so i am making sure my son doesnt grow up that way, the most you will usually see here is probably some dust or a few dishes left in the sink. i take pride in how i keeps my house. right now my bedroom isnt perfect but i got all the new stuff for the baby in a corner stacked up waiting for a last few things to get it all set up and ready to go. i also work full time so i am exhausted and goes to bed early because im up at 7am to get ready for work every day. no matter how exhausted i am i always makes sure my son is straightened away before i goes to bed. like my parents the worst they does is let him indulge in marshmellows while there but they also knows when enough is enough of it and will not overstep my rules

Megan - posted on 04/28/2010

WOW!! what a piece of work she is... cant believe you havent said anything, you're a strong woman lol

firstly i have a toddler who is nearly 3 that still has a bottle to go to sleep with, sleeps in nappies still and can be the biggest grot you've ever seen, but you know what he is a kid!
By the sounds of it you are doing a great job, I remember when i was pregnant with my daughter just how hard it was to have the energy to get out of beds some days let alone run around after a toddler all day and keep the house clean and tidy. I have seen some messy house holds in my time but as long as like you said your child is fed, healthy and happy what does it matter how your house looks. If she is the worried about it, why doesnt she give you a helping hand lol

I think you and your partner need to have a big talk together and then to her. Does she tell you these things or do you only hear it from others she is bitching to? maybe you need to stop letting her have your son for sleep overs and time together until she is willing to follow some of your rules (like no take-away meals all the time, etc) Having time with your grandchildren should be an honour and grateful experience therefore having full respect for their parents is vital! And maybe even though its going to cause trouble and be hard to do you fiancee needs to say something to her. Even if it is just a simple 'mum, enough is enough. My fiancee is the greatest woman in the world and i wouldnt want anyone else to raise my children'

Perhaps she is jealous that you have her son - do you get on with her?

I hope this helps, let me know how you go
Good luck xx