Depressed as a SAHM

Khadija - posted on 01/29/2013 ( 28 moms have responded )

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Hello. I've been a SAHM for about 4 years now and now that my youngest is 14 months old I'm ready to get back working again. Or just get a break. I really don't have anyone that we can trust to watch our little ones and even though my hubby works full-time/overtime, we still cannot afford childcare in NYC! It's really hard because there are no SAHMs in my community because everyone pretty much works. I'm starting to get angry @ the kids and hubby for no reason and I know it's only because I NEVER get a break. If I had a break even just twice a month I would be a better person, mom and wife! I know no one is in the position to help me so at this point I'm just venting. Hope your day and life is better than mine mommies. Take care

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Tracey - posted on 01/31/2013

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Are you a member of a playgroup? That's one thing that *really* saved my life when my oldest was your son's age! I know at 14 months they're still just doing parallel play, but sitting down IRL with other moms who understand what your challenges are is such a big thing. And often, as you get to know each other, "mommy swaps" become spontaneous. Everyone knows that everyone else needs a break, and you end up sitting for each other. In my group, one mom would take on the kids of 2-3 other moms, and those moms would go to a coffee shop or the library or whatever their most-missed kid-free activity was. We would swap who the sitter was so that everyone got a periodic break.

This period of his and your life won't last long, although while you're in it, it seems interminable. Just when you have a handle on it, he'll be in a different stage and you'll get to figure out all-new challenges. :-) Your mommy support group will be your life-saver! Make sure it includes moms that have kids older than yours, because they will have been where you are and figured out some creative solutions. On-line groups can be very helpful, but we can't sitter-swap with you. :-)

Cheryl - posted on 02/02/2013

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Have you ever looked into a Mother's Day Out (MDO) program? They have them just about everywhere now and they are usually very affordable. Every one that I have seen has been at a local church and the people have always been extremely friendly. In California, we paid $100/month for one day a week. Now in Texas we are paying $160 for two days a week. Not sure if that is affordable or not, but it made a huge difference for me to just have some time to myself to shop or get errands done. Just an idea....hope you find something that helps, but don't worry, we've all been there!

Dianne - posted on 01/31/2013

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Well I hate to put one more responsibility on you but Mom you have to get a grip! I'm now a single parent, still married but husband now lives one state away, and I have to work & come home & do it all! Please try to find someone even if its two evenings out of a month or one Saturday a mo. when your husband isn't working, because although you made those babies together, believe me unless you want to lose him, you can lose your husband because you're so overwhelmed with the kids & the children are a by-product of your marriage which was (hopefully and I'm sure) produced from love, don't ever forget that. Men want their wives to be with them, in body and soul, & eventually if they don't get that..........well you should already know what I'm going to say. Your children will grow, go to school & eventually develop lives of their own, but somewhere inside you've got to remember and make time & room for your husband who is just as important, not reality shows because those ppl don't pay your bills nor will offer you any emotional or physical support ever. And yes we all need to vent, I do my share from time to time too!

Jennifer - posted on 02/05/2013

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I've been a SAHM for 12 years now. Before that I was a music teacher. Whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my first answer was immediately, "a Mom". Well, nobody told me how mundane it was! :)
My husband, thank goodness, understands what I do and realizes that he would NEVER want to do it.
When my first daugher was a baby, I instilled "Daddy Daughter Sundays". Every Sunday I was "off". If she cried, he responded, needed to be fed? him. changed? him. Sometimes I knew I could do it better or figure things out easier, but I let him do it his way. He bonded with her and I got the day off. ONE day. And I was ready to attack the week again filled with laundry, dishes, sweeping, playing, changing diapers and feeding schedules.
Give it a try. It might be what you need!

Christine - posted on 02/05/2013

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Hi. I was pretty stressed when I was a SAHM for 12 years. I finally had a counselor tell me that I should hire a babysitter, once a week, so that I could have a day to myself. My husband also worked all the time and could not help. Let me tell you, it does help to get out and have that bit of time to yourself!

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Julie - posted on 02/23/2013

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I find that I have to steal time for myself because if I don't no one will give it to me. I tell my husband what I'm doing so he knows to be home and I go. I still feel a little guilty leaving my kids for a few hours, my two year old cries, but I need to get out for them so I can keep my sanity and be a good mom.

Sandi - posted on 02/15/2013

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I found Mom's groups very helpful - including setting up playgroups, where the moms could chat while the kids played. Look online for these if you don't see SAHM's around your neighborhood or park. Our mom's group even set up a 2 hour drop-off (like mom's day out) where 2 of the mom's were in charge and anyone could drop off their kids. You eventually needed to take a turn as host or helper mom. Your child has to be comfortable staying with a possibly large group of kids (or you could stay and chat, at least).

Not sure if it was mentioned, but also keep an eye out for friendly nannies - one neighbor had a full time nanny and the nanny loved for my kids come over to play with her charges. It was easier for her because my kids were entertainment, otherwise her kids would ask her to play! Sometimes I would stay and chat with her (she had no adults to talk to either) because I need adult chat time, but sometimes I could leave them if I had a dr. appt. I cleared it with the mom as well and she was ok with it. I offered to pay but the mom suggested giving the nanny a holiday gift since she was already being paid.

And make sure to teach your kids to clean up and help you - all ages. When we clean up then we can get to the park/watch TV/get on the computer/cell phone. Worry about the habit rather than being perfectly cleaned up. Tell them how proud they must be of their room, their home. Look up 'Love & Logic' books in the library or positive parenting.

Khadija - posted on 02/06/2013

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Thanks again for the support and advice ladies. @ Jennifer, its so funny u mentioned "daddy daughter sundays" bc thats exactly what I was thinking for 1 of my hubby's day off. I was thinkin starting off with a nice bath then lock myself in the bedroom as if I wasnt hm. I'll have all my favorite and relaxing things in the room with me. And hubby even came up with the idea to serve me breakfast and dinner/lunch and he will assume ALL mommy duties.....kinda lovin the idea, especially with the cold weather here in nyc its better than going out!!!!

Dianne - posted on 02/05/2013

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It will come! Time will be on your side after awhile..... ps. don't forget to include your husband!! (I already told you, lol)

Khadija - posted on 02/04/2013

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Hey mommies thanks for ur imput, but I pretty much do take my kids to the library and the parks. I do alot of activities with my kids. I just was looking for sum me time 1x week to at the very least.....that shouldnt be too much to ask. Im not asking for a leg!!!!! Lol

Marta - posted on 02/04/2013

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Check and see if your community center or library offer programs for kids and allow parents to drop them off & ordinarily I wouldn't suggest this because I work in a library & we definitely don't encourage this. But, some places actually have programs and allow the parents to leave for 1/2 hour or more during the programs. Also, some community center/gyms have programs for mothers and provide daycare-they actually want to give mothers a break so they can work out, zumba, take a class, etc. I'm sure there are many organizations in your city that offer something of the sort. Even a 1/2 hour or 45 minutes child-free a couple of times a week would give you a whole new outlook. Nobody, no matter how much they love their kids can go forever without a break from them once in a while. Maybe your area has a program that works with young families such as we have-basically they help young first time parents with parenting issues, but they also provide babysitting for mothers who just need a break once in a while. They will take your child/children to the library, community center, etc. and give you a chance to have some "me" time and decompress. Just check it out online. Marta

Betty - posted on 02/04/2013

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Have you tried any Mom's groups or MOPS, Meetup groups, etc. Is there someone you could do a play date swap with perhaps. Maybe you can find a Mom's Day Out program at some of the local churches. Often there is a waiting list for these. Good luck!

Claire - posted on 02/03/2013

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Khadija, I feel for you. A sahm mother of 2 boys that are so much joy yet there are times I wish I could take a break then I feel guilty for feeling so. Great that you get to vent in this group. Try not to bottle it up. Talk to your hubby and anyone you trust and who cares to listen. It helps to offload. I live in NJ. We can talk if its ok with you.

Dianne - posted on 02/02/2013

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another ps. When I was a SAHM which lasted for 2-2 1/2 yrs I was totally up for it, why? well the children were babies/toddlers, totally dependent on me for everything, food, washing their clothes, folding, putting everything away bathing them etc,,,, want to know what will really drive you to your wits end?? when their teenagers & can help clean up & do some things to help you and yet they pretty much refuse or do it after day after day of threatening, punishing etc..now is when it's really really tough because its still all on you yet with ppl who are teenagers but going thru that 'teenage thing' so you pray you just get thru this phase & then run!!! That's how I feel, I have one child whose all in there & helps me, she's not a teenager yet. My bff has had to raise her grandchildren so its even worse, you do love them but it just makes it harder somehow because you're giving up your life now for a second generation, just sayin!

Sara - posted on 02/02/2013

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I was a stay at home mom for 2 years and am now a work from home mom for a year. And single! So i completely know how you feel. I have family but no one really wants to watch them for a couple hours so I can get a break. So there are weeks I just want to scream but i keep my cool for their sakes ..... most the time ;) but i am dating again and so my mom is watching the kids for half a day so I can go on my first date in 4 years. whew...... but it will be my mini vacation. I hope you find someone you can trust to watch them, maybe a friend for a couple hours so you can get your much needed break!

Natasha - posted on 02/01/2013

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Start jogging or walking it is time you can have to yourself every night if you want tell hubby you want to get fit I am sure he won't say no to looking after his own children? I have started jogging hubby Watches kids it's fresh air away from house and kids and I come back feeling great ready to get back into it! Do something for you, maybe walk? Jog? Join a night sport? Good luck

Siti Zatiah - posted on 02/01/2013

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god,i understand how u feel...i just want to feel like i am enjoying what i'm doing not just because it's my duty...and i understand about ur hubby's worktime..mine does the same.eventhgh i understand y but it doesnt diminish the helpless n overwhelming feeling feelings i hav when everythg is just too much.does anyone feel n understand wht i'm trying to say?

Christine - posted on 01/31/2013

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I know how you feel! Married to a truck driver who is home 2 days a week max, 3 kids (youngest is 13 months, and 2 teens), never helps when he is home, sleeps so much when he is, and I have no other back up. I am worn out and ticked off! Good luck to you!

Kellianne - posted on 01/31/2013

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Hi! I know how you feel...although my kids are a little older now. I gave up my career as an attorney to stay home and felt like I lost my identity a little...although I wouldn't trade being home with my girls for the world!
Something that has helped is that I now own my own business, and I work from my home office. My company is currently looking for good people....if you have a desire to do something challenging yet rewarding I can talk to you about it a little further:). Let me know and we can exchange contact info!

Alina - posted on 01/31/2013

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I've lived in Alexandria LA for six years now and I still have only met one other SAHM, and she and I can't get together often. I have two school-aged children and I'm an older mom (38). The entire time I've lived here, I haven't found one SAHM group to join. The library story times were fun for my daughter, but isolating for me because the moms weren't friendly. I gave them my email address and they said they would contact me with the next meeting they had. They never did contact me. I completely understand how isolated you can feel. I also have run myself down to the point my hair started falling out and my health began to fail. Talk about an eye opener. I used to ask my husband if he would watch the kids. Then I started telling him he had the kids, and I was going out for a few hours. I started speaking up, even if it meant we argued, because I needed to take care of me!

Tracey R is right - this period won't last long! Both my kids are in school during the day now, and my time is freeing up so I can do more for myself, and get work done. We finally found a good church, and there are two grandmas there that have adopted our kids as their grandbabies. They babysit, take the kids out for a couple of hours, etc., so I can care for myself and my husband and I can go out on dates. Please stay encouraged! Find your strength and keep your head up. You will come out of this.

Kelly - posted on 01/31/2013

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I am so sorry, it awful to feel that way. It took me a long time to adjust to being a SHAM. I agree with the other moms, talk to your husband about carving out an hour or two on his day off. It's ok to take care of you so then as you are recharged you can be a better mom and wife. I hated being told this but looking back its so true. This is a hard busy time in your life but our kids grow up fast, so remind yourself that in time your daughter will be more independent and things won't feel so mind numbing so try to enjoy the little stuff with your daughter. My "baby" is 9 an my depression made it almost impossible to enjoy her early years. I look back and it's very bittersweet for me. You also said its cold and not fun going out, but maybe you should plan a day or too to get out. The yucky weather is easier to face when you feel better. I live in CO so I get it. Go walk around a mall, find the kid time at the library sometimes you have to force yourself at first but it helps to break up your week. Also use any naps your daughter takes on you instead of cleaning, right now you need some tending too, laundry can wait. Good luck and beat of wishes. :-)

Jen - posted on 01/31/2013

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I know just how you feel. Also I can tell you there are so many moms out there who feel like this too! My husband and I made a deal. He would work outside the home and I would be the parent to stay home and raise the children. I love it!!! I love my kids!!! I know it's not rocket science but it is the most important job in the world. You are teaching and shaping these children. What you do with them will effect what they do with their kids.
Ok now I'm going to vent. I hate this question , "oh do you work." I used to say no I'm a stay at home mom. Well I stopped that. Your not dealing with adults you can't have that 2min. Conversation and expect what you told your child to do,that they are actually going to do it!! Please don't miss understand me my 3 kids are great. My oldest is 12 responsible, good heart, loves her brother and sister. Respects her parents. But moody, I hate my hair . Homework ' remember that
Wow of those were my only problems now. Middle child 10 John. Blond blue eyes !! Doesn't look like me,
(My mom.) well John has autism DX at 18 months. Dr
Kept telling me he was spoiled. That mother's spoil their boys my gut kept telling me know and that I wanted some answers. He is my angel. He is considered nonverbal he changed my life. I Definatly
Went through a grieving process. Because when your pregnant you have all these dreams for your child. And then suddenly those ones won't fit you have to find new ones. But none of my friends had to. With John everything he has to learn step by step. He can learn it just takes more time. I waited 4 yrs to hear
"momma I love you." getting there was so hard emotionally , physically. But the thing is he learned it.
Not a big deal to some bit to me huge!!! Well that's the
Good stuff now remember he is 10yrs old. PUBERTY!!!! He is so mad now agitated. Anxious
Hitting himself. Now I hear this can last 6-8 years !!!!
Last one Nadia!! I call her my Joya because she brought HOPE BACK INTO OUR FAMILY.
Now that time off you want you deserve it!!! You can't loose yourself . I did for a while. And believe me I know your exhausted . In time you will get that back
( you will NEVER have as much as your kids) its a mean joke. Anyway what you said , I need it I'm snapping at the kids and my husband. You do and if all you want to do is sleep then do!! My husband goes back and forth. But remember Happy Wife Happy Life!! We do so much for others we have to remember
Ourselves. We have to show our children we are more then the lady who cleans up, makes dinner, drives us here (right by the old nail salon) does our laundry. Helps with school work , dentist , drs. School meetings. Oh and don't forget cleans house,takes us shopping for clothes. Food shopping! "I luv there is nothing to eat in this house." but I just spent 400.00 on food. So get out enjoy yourself go got a walk
Get a really expensive coffee. Or take that nap. Those
Are his kids too. Your job doesn't end at 6 why should his Everymight!!! He loves you he will!!!
Hope this helped
Stay in touch😊

Khadija - posted on 01/29/2013

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Lol. So true...thanks for ur input. I'll def have a conversation with hubby when he gets hm frm work!!!

Patricia Ann - posted on 01/29/2013

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yes and you should be able to,so let him know that this will be happening and why you need this so much and then maybe if he helps you get what you need then you may have the energy for some winter sports,lol

Khadija - posted on 01/29/2013

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Thanks for responding.....most ppl these days don't pay me any mind unless something drastic happens.....as far as my hubby whenever he's off we spend the whole day for appts or running errands in which I'm tired to do anything or go anywhere. He also complains that we don't get any time together. I don't really care abt that anymore bc he help make these babies so he has to suffer like myself. We don't have money for me to go anywhere so I really wld just rather sleep when he's off bc it's nasty winter weather I really don't care to go anywhere. Just let me drink my glass of wine and watch my reality TV in peace then sleep! Lol

Patricia Ann - posted on 01/29/2013

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i did notice you say he works full time and overtime but there has to be one day out of every month for you......

Patricia Ann - posted on 01/29/2013

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let your husband know that you need some you time,and arrange for him to help you get it because moms deserve a break also....have a talk about this and make it happen ,its important for you to get this...

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