BadMOm - posted on 08/12/2010 ( 161 moms have responded )
I'm logging in under an anonymous name and email because I am so ashamed. I have an 11 month old that is very clingy. She needs to be held all the time. She sleeps with us, she won't play in a playpen, I can't be more than five feet away from her at any time. I have to take her to the bathroom with me so I can pee. I rarely eat more than a bite here a bite there. I never get out of the house - and neither does she. When we finally get her to sleep at night, I usually get up and do what I can to have a little bit of life - read, clip coupons, eat, do internet stuff, balance the checkbook, watch a bit of tv, shave my legs, clip my toenails, shower, clean, workout - basically do the "non-essentials", the things I can't do when she's awake. Sometimes I'm up until my husband gets up for work at 4am.
From day one I've found motherhood stressful and frankly, beyond my capabilities. I have felt in over my head every single second of her life. And for the last few months I've found it suffocating. I am chained to my baby. And, sometimes I lose my patience. I yell. It started very early - when she was one month? Two? Mostly it just happened when I was super stressed and exhausted. But now it's happening more and more often - even becoming an everyday occurrence.
(It should be said that I have dealt with depression and anxiety most of my life and the PPD was BAD. I'm on anti-depressants now.)
Every time it happens I remind myself she's only a baby. She's still an infant! And I tell myself it's the last time. It makes me feel like an abusive husband, saying it's never going to happen again, showering her with love and affection... until it happens again.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop. My husband doesn't know I do this. He works 12 hours a day, watches the baby for an hour or two (with me, because unless I'm actually out of the house, for some reason we always share the responsibility) and then goes to bed around 9 or 10 and off to work in the morning at 5. Meanwhile the baby sometimes doesn't fall asleep until midnight so I'm on all the time. And, like I said, she sleeps in our bed so even for naps I can't get away. I often have to nap with her or sit next to her and read or she won't nap at all.
I had help in the beginning - when people offered. Now, though, everyone thinks it's easier and I should be able to do it on my own. I can't, obviously. I'm starting to think I should never had had her. I don't deserve her and I'm really bad at being her mom. Every time I get a break - when my husband watches her and I go grocery shopping or to run errands - I think about not going back home. That I should just leave them be, that they'd be better off without me. I don't seriously consider this, but there hasn't been one time the thought hasn't popped into my head when I'm out alone.
I know this is bad. I know this is unhealthy. I know I'm damaging her and it's just as bad as hitting her (which I've never done). I KNOW THIS NEEDS TO STOP. But how? I love her so much. And 98% of the time I am a caring, nurturing, loving mom. But there's that 2% that outweighs the rest. That 2% that verbally abuses and emotionally harms my baby on a regular basis.