Desperate. Please help. I can't stop yelling at my baby. *LONG*

BadMOm - posted on 08/12/2010 ( 161 moms have responded )

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I'm logging in under an anonymous name and email because I am so ashamed. I have an 11 month old that is very clingy. She needs to be held all the time. She sleeps with us, she won't play in a playpen, I can't be more than five feet away from her at any time. I have to take her to the bathroom with me so I can pee. I rarely eat more than a bite here a bite there. I never get out of the house - and neither does she. When we finally get her to sleep at night, I usually get up and do what I can to have a little bit of life - read, clip coupons, eat, do internet stuff, balance the checkbook, watch a bit of tv, shave my legs, clip my toenails, shower, clean, workout - basically do the "non-essentials", the things I can't do when she's awake. Sometimes I'm up until my husband gets up for work at 4am.

From day one I've found motherhood stressful and frankly, beyond my capabilities. I have felt in over my head every single second of her life. And for the last few months I've found it suffocating. I am chained to my baby. And, sometimes I lose my patience. I yell. It started very early - when she was one month? Two? Mostly it just happened when I was super stressed and exhausted. But now it's happening more and more often - even becoming an everyday occurrence.

(It should be said that I have dealt with depression and anxiety most of my life and the PPD was BAD. I'm on anti-depressants now.)

Every time it happens I remind myself she's only a baby. She's still an infant! And I tell myself it's the last time. It makes me feel like an abusive husband, saying it's never going to happen again, showering her with love and affection... until it happens again.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop. My husband doesn't know I do this. He works 12 hours a day, watches the baby for an hour or two (with me, because unless I'm actually out of the house, for some reason we always share the responsibility) and then goes to bed around 9 or 10 and off to work in the morning at 5. Meanwhile the baby sometimes doesn't fall asleep until midnight so I'm on all the time. And, like I said, she sleeps in our bed so even for naps I can't get away. I often have to nap with her or sit next to her and read or she won't nap at all.

I had help in the beginning - when people offered. Now, though, everyone thinks it's easier and I should be able to do it on my own. I can't, obviously. I'm starting to think I should never had had her. I don't deserve her and I'm really bad at being her mom. Every time I get a break - when my husband watches her and I go grocery shopping or to run errands - I think about not going back home. That I should just leave them be, that they'd be better off without me. I don't seriously consider this, but there hasn't been one time the thought hasn't popped into my head when I'm out alone.

I know this is bad. I know this is unhealthy. I know I'm damaging her and it's just as bad as hitting her (which I've never done). I KNOW THIS NEEDS TO STOP. But how? I love her so much. And 98% of the time I am a caring, nurturing, loving mom. But there's that 2% that outweighs the rest. That 2% that verbally abuses and emotionally harms my baby on a regular basis.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Melanie - posted on 06/21/2011

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I have been where you are...to some extent anyway. You are not abnormal! And I'm glad you were able to get some meds to help with your depression.
I love being a mother but I am definitely not proud of every moment! I had bad PPD as well but I didn't realize it until much later :( At your daughter's age, I would suggest this: read the book Babywise. Immediately move your dtr into her own room and begin sleep training. You'll hear a lot of crying and screaming but check on your dtr every 10-15 minutes. Let her know you are still there, but only stay for 1minute, then say night-night and go out again. Your dtr needs to learn to self-soothe, she needs to be going to bed closer to 7pm, not midnight. She's over-tired! Start at 630, do a bath, stories, etc then put her in bed. I've had a little one cry for a total of 2 hrs for every nap/bedtime before BUT it does get better and now she sleeps 11 hours straight. I also recommend getting out WITHOUT your dtr. Find someone you trust, and leave her (yes....screaming) for an hour on a regular basis...go get groceries, go to Starbucks with a book, go to the gym...whatever you wish, just GO. This is so important for both of you....and don't feel guilty, she'll be ok :) You may also need someone to take her out to the park or something instead so you can nap...trust me, you'll be a new woman and better deal with everything if you get proper sleep. It's hard when you feel like you're always yelling but this is from lack of sleep and you're likely not getting proper nutrition. When your dtr goes for her afternoon nap/scream...sit down with a proper lunch and start taking extra Vitamin D...will totally change your fatigue levels :) There is so much to share but I'll end with this..talk to your hubby, this MUST be a parent-shared experience. let him know how your doing and how you need him to help with her more, on his own too. Let go of some of the control...otherwise, you're acting like a single-parent. If you need to vent, email me.. mandmprebs@hotmail.com
Take care, Melanie

[deleted account]

Ok. I can't help you fix your anger problem but I can help with your daughter. (frankly I wish you were close to me so I could just let you come over.)

1st talk to your husband and tell him what is going on and how you feel. (expect horror and recriminations) then tell him you want to move your daughter out of their room and to her own bed.

2nd. Put her in her highchair and strap her in for meals. If the mess she makes stresses you out get a large sheet lay it down underneath her highchair before hand so all you have to do is carefully take it outside and shake it out.

3rd since she is so attached to you put her in her playpen directly after meals so that you can clean up. (if she climbs out put her back in and tell her no once. IF she climbs out again just pick her up and put her back without a word) Keep doing that because it will start working sooner or later (if she screams let her scream)

4th for meal preparations do the same thing. put her in her playpen with a few toys. if she throws out the toys leave them out. if she screams let her scream.

5th find a moms group in your area and make plans for you both to go out and meeet new people. .

6th take your daughter outside and introduce her to playing outside. let her feel the grass, give her a ball, put an inch or two of water in a pool and let her play in it (while you watch)

7th for nap time put her in her crib just as if you would when you put her in your bed. (bottle, pacifier, etc) If she cries let her it won't hurt her. This may take a few days of crib sleep to really get her to understand that is her bed now before you get any quiet time. When you get the quiet time you can do things around the house that you need to do while she is sleeping. (i.e. clean the bathrooms, cut coupons, etc.)

8th When it gets close to bedtime and you are ready for your shower give her to your husband and tell him I need 30minutes to myself and walk away. Let her scream if she screams but go take your shower/bath and pamper yourself a little if you can.

9th when it is bedtime sit down with your daughter and a few books. Read to her for 15 minutes, brush her teeth, and give her a bath if that isn't done yet. dress her for bed and tuck her in. Give her a special toy, bottle/pacifier (if she takes one) a kiss and a hug then say good night and walk out.
let her cry if she needs to.

Now I don't care who tells you this is wrong what I do. It isn't. It works. If you are ANYWHERE in Missouri or Kansas let me know and I will find a way to come help you. Yes, YOU have anger issues but it isn't anything YOU can't deal with. Yes your child is clingy and yes you need her to stop being so clingy. You are NOT a bad mom for wanting that. You ARE being a bad mom for yelling at an 11mos old when YOU are her whole world. I also think you need to find a family member or two that will take her for 2-4 hours a week so you can get errands done without her. Can you do errands with her? Hell yes. I do it everyday with 4 kids. I clean house, run errands, home school, and even work nights full time when I have to. It is possible. I don't feel like you have been taught how to do things with your daughter in tow and I think that your daughter has a great need to realize her world is farther than mom.
Please message me if you want for whatever reason. If you really want to start changing your daughter over to her crib and fear what you will do if she won't shut up feel free to let me know and I will give you my number. The first rule in EVERYTHING is if you feel violent walk away. If that feeling doesn't go away find a neighbor or family member to come help you. For those cases VERY CAREFULLY put your daughter in her room and shut the door first. She can't get it open and you can go outside where you can't hear here. plus she will be in a safe place.

good luck and god bless

[deleted account]

I think my idea is going to be very different from everyone elses, but what about trying going back to work? Even if you only make enough to pay for childcare. At least it separates you from baby and gives you the space that you are needing. Just a thought......

Kimberly - posted on 08/12/2010

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I am so sorry things are hard on you. I felt the same way after my 3rd I was just angry all the time and I didn't even know why. It sounds to like you may be suffering from anxiety or depression and first thing you need to do is go to your doctor and talk to him.
Do you have a crib or pack and play. When you need a minute to go to the bathroom or just need to get something done you put her in there. She'll cry but she'll be safe and you won't get angry. At bedtime you can do the same. She doesn't need to sleep with she may want to but you need to put her in her own bed so you can sleep peacefully. I put the crib next to my side of bed so my son can see me if he gets upset but not in the bed until the sun comes up that's been my rule from day one. Crying a little will not hurt your baby girl and will teach her to self soothe. It's really hard at first but you will be happy in the end.
At dinner time you should put her in the highchair and eat your dinner or any meal for that matter. You have to take care of yourself that's the most important thing you can do for you baby girl. You aren't the only mommy who has days like this I have had some myself but when it started getting out of control I called the doctor. It was hard and I felt embarrased but its the best decision I have ever made. Please talk to someone so you can be an even better mom all the time. If you need someone to talk to you can contact me on here anytime.

Sandy - posted on 08/12/2010

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dear annonymous i have to tell you i started to cry when i read this i am a stay at home mom as well i have twins that are almost six and i have a new baby four months. i am just wondering if you have any one to talk to? my husband works 12 hour days as well. i know how tough it can be, but feeling the way you do is not good for you or your baby. if i where you i would reach out to your husband dont be ashamed of this if you are suffering from depression and anxiety you need a good support system and it starts with him. have you tried laying your baby in her crib so she can see you while she falls asleep? i was on my own when i had my twins and i rocked them to sleep for the first 6 months and my doctor got mad and said if i ever want them to be independent sleepers i had to put them down and let them see me but not cuddle and rock them after about a week off this they started sleeping with out me and it was great with the new baby i got a really nice mobile it has music and stuffed animals but it has a projector which she loves and stares at it while she is falling asleep. i am so sorry for you and i wish i could help i know mother hood is overwhelming some of the time but it also has a lot of joys love and fun. i know you know this but its not good for you or the baby with the yelling because all it does is make you feel shitty. i hope you can reach out to you rhusband family therapist and get some help for your own well being stay strong and just know that your baby loves you so much and there is nothing wrong with you putting her down so you can pee shower cut your toe nails ect. its ok that they cry she needs to learn some independence even though she is a baby im sorry if this wasnt helpful. i never post anything to peoples comments but yours did something to me and i thought you should know that your not terrible you just need to have some support and it will get better. im so sorry i hope this helped just a little i hope things get better for you.

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Nicole - posted on 04/29/2011

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LOL!! Guess I should have read the date on this post eh?! It's almost a year later, how are things now.

Nicole - posted on 04/29/2011

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Your post gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Wish I could reach through the computer and help in some way.
You are NOT a bad mother, you are an overwhelmed mother doing the best she can. You need to talk to your husband, sometimes it helps just to let it out to a caring and supportive ear; you shouldn't be carrying such a weight on your own.
Your baby adores you and that 2%, though it resounds so loudly in your ear, can never NEVER outweigh the 98%. Never. Good luck momma.

Michelle - posted on 08/24/2010

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Also if you feel like you just need to yell to get your frustrations out get a pillow, put your face in it and yell yell yell. Sometimes this is the only thing that helps. Away from the little one of course.

Michelle - posted on 08/24/2010

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Being a mom is hard, harder than some people can imagine. It is tough to be there with her all the time. My little one is 3 1/2 and when she was 2 I noticed I was doing the same thing. I have PMDD and I'm still working on my temper. On top of being 10 weeks pergo I get frustrated really easy. My daughter was the same way when she was that age maybe not as bad. You might just have let her cry or go a few sleepless nights to get her to be more independent. Try to give her something that smells like you or a heartbeat bear. ( I know it might be hard to do I know it is hard for me to) There are days I say I should just leave because it would be better for everyone. Counseling might help even to just get out your frustrations or to help you find someone to help you get through it. Sometimes a daily break is all it takes. I know I'm hoping mine going to school for a few hours will help. PLEASE don't be ashamed motherhood is hard and everyone struggles with it at times.I struggle all the time to be the best mom I can be. Please know you are not alone and there is help out there.

Amy - posted on 08/21/2010

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i lose my temper aswell we all do, i have found rather than trying to hanginthere, put baby some where safe, cot , bouncer, iknow u said shes clingy but she will stop crying , as long as all her needs are met, fed, burped, changed nappy, not hot or cold. WALK AWAY! i used to go outside and have a fag and a burbon( though your on medication) and return 5-10 mins later when calm, try leaving her or the clinging WILL get worse and get her in a cot in her own room now! it will b hard for few days but isnt that better than continuing the way u are?

[deleted account]

HI,
When ever you get lost, it is better to start from the begining.
Children behave like that because they are scared and feel insecured. The more you try to get away from them, the more they demand it to the point of intolerance.
The only way to solve it is to give them a reasurance crash course, meaning:
- when you are together, hold them tight and make them feel safe and you must be relaxed and calm so they can feel it . Remember that they are experts on reading face expressions.
- Prepare them to stay alone for 5 minutes at a time then increment it to a comfortable timing.
- When the baby is alone but crying frantically, just use a calm loving low voice with a big cute smile on your face and see that can calm her down without you holding or touching her.
- When your voice rises, the baby gets nervous, scared and emotionally uneasy.
That is a remedy that worked very well for my family.
If you are calm, kids know it and if you are going insane, they know it too.

Please let me know that helps.
Justine

Jennifer - posted on 08/19/2010

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im so sorry your are going this.. first of all i know by first hand never letting your child sleep with you or nap with you or whatever its really hard to break it.. i know i let my 4 yr old do it when he was first born and for awhile after that.. if you feel you are stressed out put her in her crib or playpen just let her scream it out.. at least she is safe.. go take a breather outside or in another room or someplace else to get away for a moment.. yelling at her is gonna make her cry more or even clinge more sometimes. you dont want to make her scared of you.. its ok if you put her in the playpen and crib and let her scream it out bedtime and naptime too put her in her crib or playpen let her scream she will scream herself to sleep and eventually she will get use to it..

[deleted account]

Also, I want to add . . . babies are born with a Mom and a Dad for many reasons and Dad needs to bond with this precious just as you have. She needs to spend time hearing his voice, feeling his arms - and he will learn so much love as a father. I would suggested telling him you are grateful that he is such a good provider, but he is missing a chance to get to know his own flesh and blood. Let him take the night shift with her, or weekends, or cut back hours. Dad's can change, feed, hold and feed babies very well. And you need a break for your health.

[deleted account]

Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a normal feeling of being overwhelmed. You need to give yourself a break every day. Check out the YMCA, they have free day-care for about 2 hrs. while you can work out. If yourMom is close by, talk to her honestly & get her help. You have to have down time. When you lose it, don't beat yourselft up over it, just tell yourself you will do better. Put your baby in her crib & close the door when you feel yourself losing patience w/her. Don't yell, just gently put her in the crib & take a break. How old are you? Are you a young mother w/no support? I wish I was there to help you. My heart goes out to you. Let me know if I can be of help to you. God bless, I will pray hard for you & your baby.

Barbara - posted on 08/19/2010

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Ive been where you are. Always on mom duty never a moment to yourself. But it will get better. The first thing you should do is talk to your husband about what is going on. It will be hard to tell him but he needs to know so that you can both work towards an answer. There is no easy answer. Being a parent is hard. Its the hardest job in the world. But you are not a bad mom you are just a frustrated mom who needs help. And the first step to getting the help you need is to let people know you need it. After you talk to people you will find out you are not the only one going through this and there are ways to get through it. Just stay positive and ASK FOR HELP before you lose it not after. Things will get better.

Krystle - posted on 08/19/2010

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I completely understand where u are comin from i yell at my toddlers a lil more than often too thats because they break lamps and stuff. But yes you have to remind yourself she is a infant. I will share what i done with my children at a certain age around fiv six months of there life i put them in their own room and let them soothe themselves to sleep with the help of feeding them of course. The trick is to get them started training early cause they are very exceptive to learning new things at a early age when i had my second child my first one was still sleep with me and my hubby but what i did is set her room up i put her to bed and let her cry herself to sleep and if she cried for too long i layed on the floor next to her until she went to sleep.Than i got up and went back to bed. As far as her playin in her play pen you have to just walk away from her and she will learn to play on her own. Its ok to cuddle with your child when its needed but you have things to do for yourself and once you place her in the pen walk away she will get use to it. I know its a struggle as a new mother but to get your peace of mind you have to show a lil tough love. Try those suggestions but get her on a schedule as well that helped me alot. Get organized sweetie and remember to breathe thru every situation. Good luck!

Louise - posted on 08/19/2010

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heay sweetheart i wept as iread this , do u have any one to talk to about this , i am so sorry your going through this , your not alone and your baby needs a mother trust me , and u honestly need your baby, have u tried looking around for home day care centres they mind babys as well as kids, its something to consider just for some yourself some time alone so u can get yourself on track again, look darl every mother yells at there child once in a while so your not alone there , she doesnt need to sleep with u , put her in her crib, with some teddys, so she can cuddle and mabye buy her a her special blanket so she doesnt feel alone and when shes upset she can hold the blanket and feel safe, good luck darl really if u need to chat look me up on face book,

Loren - posted on 08/18/2010

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Dear Anonymous,
I can totally feel your pain as my second child was very much like you describe yours to be. I was already a single mom with a 5 year old son so I was stressed to the max as I was also recovering from a car accident that occured while I was pregnant with her.

The first thing given that you suffer from PPD is to understand and realize that what you are feeling is all part and parcel of the disorder. I completely understand that you feel overwhelmed and that you are suffering from a tremendous amount of guilt; but, that being said there are many things that you can do based on your particular circumstances. I can honestly say I know your fears as I went through something similar except I was on my own. I am not married but given your husband works so much it's very much like you are a single mom.
The first thing is to not be afraid to reach out for help, Your husband is a good start. Simply tell him that although you realize that he may be tired after such a long day at work, you really really need him to take a more active role with the baby as you are having a difficult time adapting. The other thing is to contact your doctor and let him/her know that the medication may no longer be doing what it is supposed to and either the dosage needs to be adjusted or together you need to look at alternatives.

Depending on what your financial situation If it allows you may wish to consider a consultation with a naturopath as there are many alternatives to managing PPD including dietary supplements or particular foods that will assist in the production of saratonin. Vitamin B12 is a good place to start as it helps with mood as does vitamin D if you live in north America. Also depending on your location there are a number of places that you can go for help in developing some coping strategies both with your own feelings and around parenting strategies around how to manage with the baby being clingy.
I personally believe that the baby is clingy because it is picking up on your own anxiety. Babies are very perceptive and behave accordingly. This is not your fault in the least so don't beat yourself up about it. I have counseled many women with PPD and have directed them to a few places that I know of in my own area and they have been quite successful in developing strategies and now are doing well.

Janine - posted on 08/18/2010

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Again babe the beauty of this site is that there ALWAYS is someone to understand and comprehend. When I submitted my view, I didnt read others first. Afterwards i did and realised that WE WERE ALL saying the same things. We all at times have looked at other ppl and thought gosh!, look what there doing with there child or "that poor kid" etc, but we seldom, myself included wonder how that adult got there, to that aggravated self where they cannot enjoy the simple pleasures in life without feeling burdened by the children they are around all the time. We as a society just do not give a "shit" anymore if i can be frank but then we have an outlet like this where yes, we can be judged but more often than not we will be guided and responded to in a virtuous, understandable and lovable manner. A place where women can come for free and talk and help each other out without predjudice. Lets face it, we could meet on the street and not like each other why? Doesnt matter, because here we are supportive and helpful and considerate of our mother kin and that is all that matters. Some more than others but we all relate in some way, shape or form. And hopefully through this big world web - we can get the advice we need from the professionals to help get us through another day. Best of luck to you and your family x

Cheryl - posted on 08/18/2010

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I am so sorry. Try to find a mom's morning out. Some of the churches have them. They'll watch your daughter while you run errands or something. Also, maybe you could join a gym that has childcare.

Shylo - posted on 08/18/2010

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i Know how it feels i have that same problem its hard to be a stay at home mom i have a 2 year old little girl who will not listen she will tell you no shut up and if she dont get her way o forget it I always pictured when i had kids a nice sweet family who could play together laugh have fun and its not even what i pictured i yell cry you name it im a very stressed out 19 year old mother who already has grey hair ! but what i try to do when i get angry and start yelling i go and put her in her room close the door half ways and just walk outside for a min and breath and just tell myself that shes just a baby and doesnt know better that instead of yelling i need to get at eye level with her and tell her that its not the way to act and i dont like it and i know how it is when you are trying to clean and work out and they want to be right with you ! its because you are with them everyday all day what i do when she gets like that and i have alot of stuff to do is let her watch dora or i even let her take a nap or call her cousins over to play with her something just so shes not right there everywherre i go ! and with her sleeping with you what my sister in law did was one night she let her sleep in her bed and then after she fell asleep she went and put her in her own bed with a little night light on and if she got up she would take her back and put her right back and cover her up and left the room she would cry but only for a min and it took a while for it to really set in that she cant sleep in her mommys and daddys room that she had her own room and finally it worked i hope it helps

Shannon - posted on 08/18/2010

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have dad step in while u leave her sight let her cry i know its annoying my sons doing it as i type this but dad should be able to help to or get her acclimated to having like ur mom or sitters around so she can be socialized.

[deleted account]

First of all - let me say - you are awesome for getting this off your chest and talking about it!

The most incredible advice I ever got as a parent came in a book called, " Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child " by John Gottman. It helps parents be emotionally smart too. It has changed the way I treat my kids, and adults too. Read it. You won't regret it.

Ashley - posted on 08/18/2010

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I just want to make this short and sweet!! She needs to sleep in her own crib! That will do wonders for you!! Every single night without fail put her to bed in her own crib and tell her its time for bed and leave the room and let her cry. IT WONT HURT HER I SWEAR!!!!! Just keep doing that over and over every night and before you even know it she will be sleeping in her own bed!! DO NOT give in! You will probably feel bad for letting her cry but its for the best for both of you ;) Also i highly suggest going back to your doctor and changing your meds or getting a higher dose!! I went through this same kind of stuff and it is horrible.... i tried 3 diff meds and now im better!! I wish you the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tiffany - posted on 08/18/2010

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I have studied Child psychology as well as psychology and have two children of my own. I have to ask you two things: Do you have anyone else to be around you? Second, are you allowing some cling without feeling overwhelmed?



I know how trying being a new mother is. I have gone through similar emotions. Sometimes you just need a time out and structure can do that for you. If you give her a half hour time out two times a day in her bedroom or in the living room without things she can get into that would cause her harm, or can get broken. This will help you gather yourself in a way that can lead to a healthy relationship. She might be clinging to you because she feels a lack of satisfactory emotions coming from you and she has no idea what to do or how to deal with this feeling of sadness.



I think the thing that keeps me in check is the fact that I was abused and never want my children to go through those feelings of abuse. Please do me a favor and yourself a favor, there are low cost psychologists out there that can help if you are low on money. Maybe talk to your Dr. about your antidepressants because they might not be strong enough for you, or the right ones to help you out.



Just remember how you treat your child is the shape that they will take on the rest of their lives. If you show abuse than they might think that it is okay to be abused mentally, verbally, or physically by their husband, or friends. It can and will lead to lower grades in school, lower IQ, contributes to dropping out of school, lower esteem which will lead to alcohol and/or drug use later on in life--all of which I had to overcome and deal with personally.



Count to five, ten, or 100 whatever works for you. Scream into a pillow, lock yourself in the bathroom and say the things in the mirror you are saying to her, if you cant look at yourself while saying these things you might want to cut it out completely.

Cindy - posted on 08/18/2010

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I also agree with Kimberly.

I think that you should get your baby sleeping in her own bed, at least for naps to start with. Yes, she will cry, but after a few days, she will get used to it. (I went through this with my first son.) During the day, when you feel the anger coming on, go ahead and sit her down in a playpen or crib and leave the room. Take a few minutes for yourself & remind yourself that your beautiful child loves you and wants to be with you. Then come back and try again.

Jamie - posted on 08/18/2010

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First, cut yourself some slack. You are not a bad mom. Just a tired, stressed, overwhelmed & perhaps, as you sad, dealing with depression. I think most moms probably feel this way at some point. In your defense, you are at least aware there is a problem & are reaching out to get help & make a change. I would first and foremost, go talk with your doctor about the depression. You may very well have to tweek the dose you are on or perhaps change/add a medication. Second, ASK FOR HELP. No one will fault you for asking for help. This shows that you are human. Third, walk away. When you are at your breaking point, walk away for a moment. Leave your baby in a baby safe area and go into the bathroom & count to 10, 15, 20...whatever it takes. Take a deep breath and then come back to deal with the situation. Your little one will probably cry the whole time. That's ok. She can cry for a minute. But you need that moment to get a grip of yourself so that you don't do something harmful. Fourth, get OUT of the house for some fresh air. Forget all the little things. At nite, take out some clothes for the next day, shower etc...The next day throw on the clothes and get out. Don't worry about how you look. ALL mom's are going to look a little 'messy'! Your baby, and you, need fresh air & to move about. Fresh air helps them sleep too. Go to the park, the mall anything. Doesn't have to be big, just get out. There are times I have to put my little one in her jumpy while showering. I leave it in the bathroom, but she still cries while I'm in the shower. But she will be ok, you have to get dressed!
Most importantly, make some changes before you really lose it. Nothing good comes from when you just can't take anymore.

Kayla - posted on 08/18/2010

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I would reccomend seeing a counselor or getting some professional help.... she doesnt understand any of what your yelling at her the poor thing just doesnt understand, you have to constantly remind your self of that BEFORE you start yelling.. hold it in... you cant yell at a baby...

Ali - posted on 08/18/2010

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We all get a little stressed at times some more than others. mother hood is hard and it will be for quite sometime. You need to pull yourslef away from the situation even if it's only 5 mins just to calm down. your child will be fine crying for just a few mins. it does feel as if you have no life i know verbal abuse isn't really an issue as your child soent yet undertsand what your saying but they know the tone of your voice. just take yourself out for 2 mins!

Lisa - posted on 08/18/2010

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take a deep breath.
ALL of us mom's have days like that. Sometimes the stress gets too much and we snap. but it sounds like you are under TOO much stress and don't ever get to refuel. You need a break. Does your husband get weekends? Because when he does, you need to leave for the weekend and just get away. Find some balance in your life. Once you get the FIRST boost (time off of being mommy), then you can start doing things with your baby that will help you both, going to a mommy and me class, a MOMS club, a stroller club--something to get you both out of the house and around others. That way you can recharge your batteries on a weekly basis and not be so dragged down. I know its tough being a mom. I have four. my youngest is 8months old and from day one he's hated my husband. He'd scream his head off if my husband held him for a minute. Now that he's older you'd think it'd be easier, but it's not. He either is right at my feet or on my lap in the bathroom. I take a shower when he's sleeping. I am stuck with my baby too. I mop with him on my hip--and he's a fat little monkey too, so it's not like he's light. I put him in a baby backpack or front pack and walk to the store to get out of the house.
the next thing is to establish a routine. Going to bed at 11pm is not ok, that robs you and your husband of alone time. Make sure she wakes up early, between 630-7am, and then takes one or two naps during the day, the last nap ending around 3 or 4pm, no later. Then have dinner around 6ish and put her to bed no later than 730pm. have it be calm and quiet and do a routine so she knows its sleep time. I do a strange thing, I put my baby in a bouncer and bounce him then when I'm ready to go to bed, I haul him up and into my bed with me where I nurse him again and then we are asleep for the night. but the thing is to have a routine and to put your baby to bed before she's over tired. when they yawn, rub eyes, cry, won't look at you--that's when they are too tired. try to get her to bed before that starts happening. if you have a routine you can just look at the clock and be like, oh, she's just about to get tired, so I'm going to start the bath, or read the book, or go lay down and snuggle her...
also, get into counseling. you need help and while a bunch of strangers on the net can offer advice we aren't the same as a real human talking to you. sometimes you just need to vent to someone who cares--not saying we don't care, but just we don't know you. venting here is good too. :)
take care of yourself so that you can take care of your baby. YOU are a good mom because you DO care. You'd be a bad mom if you thought it was ok and didn't want to change. You can do this. You will make it.

Michelle - posted on 08/18/2010

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I don't think you are a bad mother!!! I think you have something emotional going on. I have delt with this myself. When she is getting on your nerves and you feel like you are about to break you need to put her in a swing, playpen, etc. , somewhere she will be safe, and walk away, shut the door and let her cry and scream and you go to the other room and do the same until you compose yourself. Another thing you might consider is putting her in a daycare. Even for a couple hours a day or week. Some of US are not born to be stay at home moms....THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD MOTHER! You need some help of some kind. I know you don't want to stress your husband but maybe its worth talking to him about. I was fortunate that my husband understood and when I was stressed and didn't know when to walk away he would tell me to go and be alone for a while and he would take care of things. I had PPD so bad after my first son , and I am ashamed to say this, that I knew how women who hurt their children felt. (I NEVER HURT MY CHILD) but I could see how it happens. I knew how it felt to just want it to stop! You really need to talk to someone wheather its a doctor, your husband or whoever close to you. My son is 5 and I still find it very difficult to be home with him every single day.....day in and day out. I will be so thankful when school starts for him in September. I need the break. PLEASE DON'T LET YOURSELF FEEL LESS THAN WHAT YOU ARE. You are not the only mother who has ever felt this way and you are not the only mother who ever will. Don't be ashamed of how you feel. That is what this website is dedicated to. It is what we are hear for to talk and help you with your problems. I hope I have helped a little. I wish there was more I could do for you. I will pray for you that you find the peace in being a mother you are looking for. GOD BLESS YOU!

Maggie - posted on 08/18/2010

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It really sounds like you need counseling or someone to talk to. When your baby is your whole life it becomes overwhelming. You have to have time to yourself! Make sure you're getting enough sleep, eating enough and getting out in the sun every day.
Sleep is very important because it's how your body recharges. If you don't get enough sleep you will most likely start the day off in a bad mood (I found this out early and started going to bed by 10 every night - even if the dirty dishes have to wait!)
Eating is the same thing. You get energy from food. If you don't eat you won't have energy. Start eating more often and include a protien and a carb in every meal and snack. I've noticed that if my kids don't eat regularly they get VERY grouchy and have a lot more meltdowns.
The last part, the sun, may be the most important. Your body produces vitamin D when you absorb sun into your skin (no sunscreen). Vitamin D deficiency can cause depression-like symptoms. After I started taking Vitamin D suppliments I noticed a difference within a few days. No more yelling, no more fighting, I was happier! I *felt* better.
In the meantime, while you are making all these changes, you need to start helping your daughter learn to be without you. My second son was so clingy; he wouldn't stay with anyone except me. The first time I left him with someone he cried so hard but after 5 minutes they called me and said he was fine and playing nicely. I was only gone about 20 minutes that first time since it was a trial run but after that he was ok with me leaving. It was a process of course, but the clinging is a phase. Your daughter is realizing that you are seperate from her and that might be a little scary.
At her age she probably won't consciously remember much of what is happening. Just keep showing her affection and that's what she'll remember.
Short version: get some sleep, eat!, vitamin D, counseling.

Sarah - posted on 08/18/2010

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Also I'd like to say that if you decide to do the cry it out method, make sure you go in every so often and touch the baby. Don't pick her up, that will only confuse her. Unless you plan on getting her out of bed and trying again like 30 mins later. And you have to be calm when you get her up. You can't be stressed cause it will stress her even more.

Sarah - posted on 08/18/2010

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Hun let me say you are not the first one to feel like this. I was having issues as well. I would start with recommending getting her to sleep in her own bed. Even if it is a bassinet beside the bed. You feel you need your space you need to do it then. Also, it may help the feeling. Anything you do will not be easy right now. If you try this, there is going to be lots of crying. When we did this, I did it a little at a time. If my son really fought it, then I'd cuddle him a little. Till he was just about asleep, then lay him back down and start all over. You may also need stronger meds. I got put on some cause I was yelling all the time as well (and my son is 2) and I felt like just leaving. The meds helped me for awhile. Then they had to up my dose because my body got use to it. So just go back to the doc. Talk to someone. Good luck

Chelle - posted on 08/18/2010

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Hon, i havent got around to reading all the replies as yet as there are a lot of them! But the first thing i would say from the get go is try not to be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you know how to do with what you have got at the moment. And i assure you as much as i love being a mum there are days where my little man just tests my patients especially as i am 25 weeks pregnant. And i have yelled at him before, not regularly, but i have. We are only human and we need to remind ourselves of that. It isnt any wonder that you feel so claustrophobic and frustrated when your baby is literally becoming a chain around your neck.

First and foremost i feel you need to start creating time away from her. I get the feeling that perhaps you are not comfortable with her crying which is why you have her close to you all the time. We also did not really let our little one cry when he was younger but when he kept waking up we decided enough was enough and it was time for some tough love, so we had a routine and like some others on here, we left him to cry himself to sleep until he understood what was expected of him and it was honestly the best things we did and i will be doing it with the next one a lot sooner. It did not harm him and it set up boundaries and now he sleeps through the night. Prior to this we were pandering to him and staying with him until he settled and was asleep, now he puts himself to sleep.

So my thought is for the benefit of your own sanity and for the baby in the long term- as this is a valuable life skill for her learning to self settle, during nap time, put her in her crib. And if she cries, let her cry. Dont get me wrong, it is never easy to hear them cry but trust me it gets less and they get the hang of it a lot sooner than you would think they might. The important thing is to be strong and not reinforce the crying by giving them attention, otherwise they learn that if they want attention they need to cry to get it. Of course check things like hot/cold, teeth, nappy, thirsty, hungry etc but if there is no reason for them to be upset then just leave them to it.

While she is napping you go and do something for yourself.

Similarly i would try to have her sleep in her nursery over night rather than with you. YOu can do baby steps if you want tho and just work on naps being away from you to start.

Also in terms of getting outside, surely you could put her in a stroller and even if you are pushing her up the street you get some fresh air.

And lastly although you say in your original post you are already on anti-depressants, i think that the growing frustration you are feeling at the moment is perhaps a symptom of depression and perhaps new medication is needed.

Now as i say perhaps all of this advice has already been given and your situation may have already improved.. but just in case..

I wish you all the best and remember it takes courage to reach out and write the post you did!

Love n light x

Tabitha - posted on 08/18/2010

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hello I am a mother of 2 boys a 7 yr old and a 2 yr old. Ihave doneit all so if you wanna chat or any thing find me on facebook.

Selesha - posted on 08/18/2010

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Have you tried to find a day time daycare provider?? Maybe if you could find a daycare in which you can enroll her maybe two or three days a week. Maybe than she won't be as clingy.. It seems too me as you stated above. You and the baby don't get out much.. I know with my kids. We have a Mommy and Me time. Which is five ladies with kids around the same age as my kids. We meet once a week at one another's house. And allow the kids to play. The other ladies are also there for babysitting. When needed. A quick 2 hour trip or outing. Also have you talked to your family doctor about this?? It sounds like you might be suffereing from PPD. Post Podium Depression aka Baby Blues.. You need to get help for that. But honestly try getting out of the house. I know its hard with a child. But I find that if I take my girls out for even a hour they wear off their built up enery and are alot easier to deal with.

Joanne - posted on 08/18/2010

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I think you need to establish some routines. In my opinion having your baby strapped to you constantly will drive the most patient person insane... I have had to do a sleep management programme with my son who is now 10. I slept with him, kept him close all the time, watched him when he slept, because I was scared..He was my first baby and I was frightened something bad would happen if he left my sight. I now know that having time to yourself to be your own person is vital. I would suggest speaking to someone who can help you with a sleep management programme to get your daughter into a settled bedtime routine allowing you to put her to bed in her own room at 7pm and have all evening to yourself to recharge. her attatchment to you is increased because of the co-sleeping and although seperation anxiety is at its strongest around 10-12 months I think that having these defined routines will make her feel safer and more settled. If you had a baby who slept from 7pm to 6am and you had 11 hours a day of you time and a good nights sleep I would almost guarantee that you would start to feel much better about everything.

I know it sounds impossible but it really isn't and I'm proof that it works. I left my son to cry for periods of time till he learnt that he was expected to go to bed and to sleep. It sounds cruel, but it lasted about a week -10 days and he was wonderful after that. If they are safe in their cot they won't come to any harm and will learn to settle eventually by themselves. Please seek help from someone who can show you how to get your daughter into a routine, children thrive on it and are happier in the long run.

Hope you feel better very soon and try not to beat yourself up about it, we all shout sometimes.

Jennifer - posted on 08/17/2010

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Yup... put her in her playpen and go do some gardening or turn up your radio and clean your room (without her in it). just so you can check on her... but are able to 'tune out'. make sure she has (safe) toys to play with, along with a sippy cup. i know it sounds mean... but it's about the only way to break her. this has become a habit. as far as yelling... as soon as you feel the desire, just walk away, count to ten, and then come back. in fact, if it's the case that she's yelling and being demanding, don't re-enter the room until she settles down too. she'll learn that you aren't tolerating her behavior. andddd you'll be controlling yourself.
try not to be too hard on yourself. at least you're reaching out! and, hey... maybe a play group at a church or something would do ya'll some good. and then there are parenting classes. i finally gave into going to one, with my oldest boy (i have FIVE). i felt like poop-poo going to a 'class' for something that i felt was supposed to come naturally. but, in the end, it was the most WONDERFUL thing I did for us!!
good luck, sweetheart... you'll make it. i PROMISE!

Natarsha - posted on 08/17/2010

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Dear Anonymous,

I know it sounds rought, but hang in there. Our parents make it seeem like motherhood was easy but we find out it is hardwork and costs a like. Before I got to your point I had a wonderful mother in law who gave me sound advice. I agree with the others, if you are upset it does not good for your baby. Also put the baby in the crib, walker, playpen, etc when you need to do chores. A little crying never hurt anyways, My family would tell you its good for the lungs. It ma bother you the first few times, listen to the crying, but your sanity will remain intact. Also I made the mistake of letting my second son sleep with us as I would breastfeed in bed during the night. It took me 2-3 weeks. I would put him in bed, he would cry, Used the sound speakers to keep up. Le the child get agitated and go check up. Sit by the bed for a while, leave out again. It was hard owrk but well worth my sleep. Best of advice of all: if you are angry or upset always put the baby down, they feed off us. They may cry but its ok, Preferably put child in another room and use your baby monitor.

Stephanie - posted on 08/17/2010

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I understand, because I had the same problem. Sometimes I still get mad and yell, but it's a lot better now than it used to be. I tried about 3 different anti-depressants before I found one that worked for me. I'm not perfect now, I still have my days or moments, but its better. It is really hard getting a baby out of the bed, mine both slept with me until they were between 15 and 20 months. Your baby could not possibly be better off without you, I know you feel this way. I've felt that way myself. You need some you time away from the baby. I struggle to get this and often don't. But asking for help from the family is okay and take it when you can. Try setting her down and closing the door. put some head phones in for a bit and let her cry. Taking a break and calming down is better than yelling. Again, I know this is hard. Sometimes I don't follow my own advice. Now my three year old follows me and my 18 month old is right behind. You will get through this, it will be okay. Also, think about all the good things you do for her. Focus on the great mommy things you do. Feeling good about yourself will help you to get through this time.

Tiffany - posted on 08/17/2010

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u know parenting doesn't come with a manual, That would make it all to easy. I am a mother of 4 and it is hard I have a whole mess of health issues going on but, when my kid's where...newborn,2,4,6 it was a mess b/c I was wanted every direction but, able to go in only one direction at a time, Sometimes, as a person, a mother can only be stressed out so, far so, long , with any one anything, human or, otherwise and we snap.It is human nature.Just as in the beginning when you needed and asked for the help you should ask for it now too. You have a duty to yourself and to your baby.If your Post Tramatic Stress is not enough of a clue that you are having a mental break think of what your saying that the baby isn't going to hurt you but, your stress may lead you to hurt yours without help.Please get help from a person who has a degree not one us.

Stephanie - posted on 08/17/2010

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As many of us fellow moms have said....GIRL you are not alone!!!
My mom told me once, your not gonna get a mommy manual and you are not gonna know how to handle things, so WING IT!!! That is the majority of the advice that I got LOL
First I would find someone to talk to, find a mommy group in your area. I found a great group on meetup.com they have saved my life. We do play dates with other children and have moms night out. Taking care of yourself is so important. Your little one is gonna cry weather you are there or not. Children can and will be clingy ugh I totally loose my head those days they are more than other.
I read this book called love and logic magic early childhhood 0-6 by jim fay it is a little bit of a parenting book but it totally made me understand some of my daughters behavior and gave me a new perspective on how to handle it.
Being around other mommies in person also made me realize that expose my daughter to other children was a great thing and getting out there with her was teaching her live skills.
Even if the house is a wreck and I havent done laundry in a week lol I still go because we need it :)
I dont know if any thing that i said will help but I just hope you know you are a wonderful person and mom and doing the best we can do is all we got because after all we gotta WING IT :)

Jasmine - posted on 08/17/2010

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Everyone yells, its kind of part of life. You do need breaks though. Your baby is just going to have to learn you can't be holding her all the time. Put her in a play pen or crib, and if she cries leave her be. Go to another room if you have to. Tell your husband you need him to watch her alone once in awhile, not with you. Tell your family its still rough for you. Even at this point, even with medication, you can still have PPD. It can stay with you for years. I had it for 2 years. For those two years I wasn't a great mom myself, much worse then you explain yourself to be. The biggest thing I think is communication, telling people you need help and forgiving yourself for being angry now and then. And teach your baby a little independence, she doesn't need to be held all the time. Good luck.

Sarah - posted on 08/17/2010

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It seems you both need to get out, i've found a lot of people on here that live in my area and are now my friends, it will give you someone to talk to and she will get distracted with playing with other children she wont even remember to be clingy. As for the shouting if u feel yourself going to shout walk away, she will be fine to cry, go cool down and come back, at this age baby does get clingy although it sounds a bit drastic with your daughter you need to get a routine bed time so you can get your own time, get a routine going like give her her dinner, put her Pj's on, read a short story and put her to sleep, then do the same routine and put her in a cot, she will cry but check on her every few minutes and let the space between ur visits longer, DO NOT pick her up or make eye contact, if shes standing lay her down and say "sleepy time" and leave with a smile on your face no matter how stressed u r. after a few days u'll have evenings and feel alot better. Maybe you should go and see a psychologist as well or a care worker to find ways of coping with the feelings you have instead of taking it out on your baby.
I feel for you as on a rare occasion i feel like yelling at my 1 yr old son but Dad works from home to I can give him to his Dad.

Teresa - posted on 08/17/2010

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I do understand that feeling. I also get to a point when the stress just explodes into anger. I myself had a hard time relating this to people around me. Nevertheless, I should...we should...and so I did. I talked to my family regarding my problem as obviously I really needed help, like I think you need too now. You've said that you have people around you who used to help you, and of course you have your husband. Talk to them. Begin by seeking their help for you to get a day off. Most probably they'll know by experience that you're definitely not on an easy task being a mother. Seek help. You're a great mother so don't feel guilty. Almost everyone if not all moms experienced the kind of dilemma you're going through.


-from Teresa, writer of
Best Moms’ Rule Number 1: Anticipate System Down
at http://blog.clariity.com

Amanda - posted on 08/17/2010

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I know exactly how you feel. I have 2 young children that live with me, (my oldest lives with my mom) my daughter is 2 and my son is 1. My daughter doesn't get to me as bad as my son, she does have her moments but my son drives me up the wall! He is my third child and i find my self yelling at him sometimes. at the end of the day i do feel like a horrible mom, because i've yelled at him and my daughter sees it.And i think to mytslef "wha am i doing?? He's 1 he doesn't know any better (sometimes)" But I also suffer from depression, anxiety and i have a severe panic disorder. I used to see a dr. but i quit going because my fiance started working again and i don't have a car to get me to appointments. and what's worse we NEVER get a babysitter. i have my kids 24/7 day in and day out. it gets very over whelming. my fiance works from 2 in the afternoon to 10;30 at night. Now my son is in his own bed by that time but my daughter isnt and she sleeps in the bed with us. I tried talking to my grandma but all she says is " when your mom and aunt shell were little we never had a babysitter either everytime we left the house they went with us, its part of parent hood" OK i get that, but what about time for ourselves? I love my kids more than anything in the world, and we do have a lot of good days, but its the bad days is when i cant stand myself. From the time we wake up until bed time, my son will get into EVERYTHING fight with EVERYONE and yell and bite. I deal with it until about 2 in the after noon then i put him down for a nap and let him sleep for 2 or 3 hours. The house is so much more peaceful during that time. I'm hoping this is something he will grow out of and soon, he's a good little boy until he starts his fits then its like i just want to pull my hair out and lock myself up somewhere for the rest of the day. My fiance isnt here half the time, he works ALL the time, and i don't have many friends, so it all stays pretty much bottled up inside of me because i have no one to talk to.

Kelly - posted on 08/17/2010

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id talk to the doc bout these issues, maybe some counseling... let her cry a minute when u have things to do...she'll learn u will always come back, and maybe u can get things done!!!

Kelsey - posted on 08/17/2010

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Dear Anonymous, thank you so much for posting this. I completely sympathize with you. I have an 11 month old as well. At times things just get so stressful that I start yelling too. It's hard to find an outlet for the anger, especially when you get no break from her. I've found that just sticking her in her playpen and letting her scream about it for a few minutes while I get some fresh air to calm down helps immensely. Are there parenting groups around where you are? Or a preschool? If you can afford it putting her in a preschool for an hour or two a day would help too. You get a break and get to tend to yourself and she gets to learn how to socialize with other babies. If your husband is an understanding man you should open up to him. Having someone to vent to helps a lot too. It helped me.

I hope this helps somewhat. These are the things that helped me. You would be amazed at just how many mothers feel the same emotions that you do.

Jodie - posted on 08/17/2010

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I agree with Kimberly. Listen..... I have suffered from PPD too. I helped A LOT when we put our boys to bed in their own room at 3 months old. We would put them down and let them CRY IT OUT. They both cried about 5 times a night for a couple nights then it got less and less and less... until NOW they sleep 12 hours straight from 8- about 7AM. During the day, Let her cry. Walk away. Go outside (with her in the pack-n-play) and get a breath of fresh air.
Do you have family nearby? Reach out to friends for help during the day when hubby isn't home. Do whatever you have to for your health, sanity and happiness of you and your baby.

Tracy - posted on 08/17/2010

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I don't know if you have a YMCA around you but they offer scholarships if you don't have the financial means to pay for a full membership and childcare is included 1 1/2 hours a day. I had the same issues with my first child and I found that being able to drop him off and getting that time away from him to talk to get to talk to other adults and work out did a lot to relieve the stress and make me a happier person and able to maintain my cool.

Elize - posted on 08/17/2010

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I know that you feel you're a bad mother, but just posting this has made you a fabulous person in my books...you realized that you have a problem and you're reaching out for help...it looks like maybe that's what you should be doing at home too...talk to your husband about how you feel and tell him what you're doing...if you have the same relationship with your husband as I have with mine you should be able to tell him the worst things about you and he'll not judge you or feel less love for you...I'd say the best solution for you seems to be to hire a babysitter...this will allow you to get out for a couple of hours a day...maybe join a health club, that way you can take your showers at the club after a nice work out and you can shave your legs at your leasure...I've caught myself yelling at my baby once or twice and he's only three months old...I've even yelled at my husband infront of our infant...but that has stopped because I decided to stop...I now bite my tounge or I write my frustrations down and make him read it....I also told him that I realize he's working and that he needs his sleep...but that he must also remember that having a baby is not just my responsibility, I'm tired all the time and he feels bad for me and I'll feel bad for him if he's tired all the time too...but that's as far as I'm going to take it...I force him so share some of those late night to early morning crying sessions....see my little boy is teething at the moment...I am also learning from your post, everybody tells me that my boy is a mommy's boy...well you know...I realize I'm going to have a hard time to wean him from me later on, but then I also think that one day when I want him to depend on me he's going to wanna pull away and I might not see him half as much as I'd like to....thinking that way has made it easier for me to take the bad with the good....you should try to enjoy your little one for as long as you can....hang in there...nobody ever said it was going to be easy....just remember, you're a hero in my book simply for asking for help....

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