Discipline: Do you believe in Spanking?

Kyleigh - posted on 06/04/2011 ( 449 moms have responded )

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I know there is a lot of you out there that say Yay or Nay to this one. Wasn't sure. I would love to read your "own ," opinions on what you think about "spanking."



I personally don't spank not even my own bio. my 2 sk's know that time outs is what is given.

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Cynthia - posted on 06/08/2011

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donise its sad that you spank an autistic kid:( because autism affects information processing in the brain. can the kid understand the spanking? this can not tbe the best way.

OhJessie - posted on 06/08/2011

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Teal, my children are grown up now, and we are very close, and they are happy people who bond well with others. So that's what it is. Can't really add much more that hasn't been said. Thanks.



I understand, Ashley - if one can't think of a million other things that apply to discipline, they are not very creative or aren't listening to other people at all. There are tons of things to do. No disagreement there. I stated a couple pages ago what spanking was reserved for with us. That's about as far as it goes. Thanks.

[deleted account]

Ohjessie, I stood on your side at the beginning of this debate, it was Dana Mak who got me to rethink my position. I was of the mind set that spanking is not always wrong and that there are some situations that warranted spanking... but really that's silly. To say "it depends on the kid" or "it depends on the action" is really like saying "some kids need to be hit, and others need to be hit only for certain things". I just don't think that's true. In fact, I think it's a big fat lie. I think no kid "needs" to be hit and I think no action warrants hitting a kid. I think that if you can't find a more creative way to discipline your children other than laying your hands on them you aren't trying very hard. I understand how people fall into this idea that spanking is alright... I fell into too... but if you really think about it... why is it alright? Why can't we as parents assert our authority without hitting people? It seems like the "go to" response of spanking might be an old fashion remedy for bad behavior that works in favor of the parents but at the expense of the children.

TealRose - posted on 06/08/2011

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OhJessie - there is NO last resort because one shouldn't be hitting a child at all ever. Yes it DOES cause problems, yes it does teach terrible things. If an adult hits a child, yes spanking is hitting, what does it learn? That the parent's lie. ['WE don't hit so you shouldn't ". Fear, pain, anger, hate and resentment and loss of trust, respect and love for the parent. Some children not all, but a goodly amount also find that it is a sexual thing - yes that bottom is FULL of erogenous nerves. Now if THAT is really what you want to teach a child - I am sorry for you. If you think you can teach a child with pain and fear and you think it right to do so .. then that is more than sad. If you want a child's attention then as all of you probably have told a child at some time "Use your words and not your hands". There are a million different ways including those old favourites of time ins/ outs, apologising, writing a note, demonstration, redirection etc etc and the web is full of help fo you. http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/to... is just one ...

Children are here to learn... and they do that best with gentleness and not with being hit. If you hit angry - you are dangerous, if you hit cold .. ie calm .. what sort of message does that send to a child? It told me that it was ok to hit someone if you were upset and angry with them .. and it also made me so frightened because if an adult can hit you when calm .. what else will they do? I cannot understand how anyone thinks hitting a child is anything but abusive - after all - you try hitting your mother/father/brother/sister/friend/wife/husband and tell them that you love them ....

OhJessie - posted on 06/08/2011

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Nothing to rebut, Dana - I've explained myself pretty thoroughly and JL wants to continue saying some pretty ridiculous things that don't have any bearing on what I said. IOW straw men; no point knocking those down. Thanks anyway.

[deleted account]

Donise, there are two autistic children in my family, neither one was spanked... both are behaved... it can be done

OhJessie - posted on 06/08/2011

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I agree Donise - rather than trying to convince each other, people who believe in it should probably discuss amongst themselves the best ways to employ and not employ it. Neither one is going to convince the other to change, and why should they? It's something each family has to decide.



I would note that a light tap on the bottom merely to get someone's attention isn't spanking. There are various ways to get a kid's attention, that is one of them, but it isn't a spanking issue.

OhJessie - posted on 06/08/2011

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Ashley, I actually agree - there's no "last resort" about it. There should be a policy in place where you know what you spank for; it avoids the anger scenario. The goal is not to correct mere misbehavior which may be rooted in many things - it requires getting to the source of the behavior first and knowing which ones are spankable and which ones should not be. I already know where you stand, no need to rehash - just agreeing with you on the last resort aspect of it. Also, the "tap they can barely feel" is really...not what it's about either. It misses the entire point. Expediency also is not the point.

[deleted account]

I've seen A LOT of people here saying things like "spanking is okay but only as a last resort" or "I only spank when nothing else seems to work" or "only if they do something dangerous". Here is the issue all you "last resorters" out there- you are pretty much saying that spanking is not the ideal and that you only use it when you can't come up with something better to use as discipline. Really what your statements amount to is "I only hit my kid when I can't think of anything better to do" and that's a pretty shotty defense for spanking. Seriously, come up with some better way to discipline... even a better "last resort"... I'll bet you can do it, I believe you.

[deleted account]

Jessie, did JL confuse you with her intelligent response? Just because YOU don't understand what she meant, doesn't mean she doesn't have a clue. I happen to know that she has many clues.....about a lot of stuff. Perhaps you could just ask her to clarify or simplify her statement for you, because you obviously don't understand what she said. Otherwise you wouldn't be telling her she doesn't have a clue.



How about an intelligent response in rebuttal to her statement instead of just telling her she has no clue? What do YOU mean?

[deleted account]

Quoting Julie: "The problem is most parents dont have any idea how to spank properly. There is a proper method....most people have no idea."

AWESOME! Now you're insulting MOST of the spankers too. I suppose everyone here who says that they spank the "proper" way is in that small minority with you, Julie?

Gimme a break. Show me the statistics. Where do you come up with this stuff?

OhJessie - posted on 06/08/2011

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"OhJessie...the very nature of spanking denotes a loss of self-control, so to suggest that by spanking you are able to teach self-control is contradictory."

JL, I'm sorry but you really don't have a clue what you're talking about.

Jenni - posted on 06/08/2011

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Is there a difference between stealing a chocolate bar and a car?

Or in the end are both examples still stealing...

Julie - posted on 06/08/2011

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Theproblem is most parents dont have any idea how to spank properly. There is a proper method....most people have no idea.

TealRose - posted on 06/08/2011

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Doesn't anyone else find it worrying when parent's admit being hit themselves but still think it's ok to hit a child ?? If they thought it was ok to hit a dog, and did, they would be arrested....

Amanda - posted on 06/08/2011

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Maybe it works for certain children or certain circumstances, but I have tried the spanking route and all it has taught my 3 yr old is how to hit. I spank him and be immediately hits the wall or even worse a metal door knob once. We got the same results with "popping" his hand. He just smacked his own hands.
I think spanking is a slippery slope. Once you start spanking it gets used more and more. I also feel spanking makes the parent feel better, gets their frustration out, but only teaches the child that Mommy or Daddy can hit them and for some reason they are told not to hit. How is a child supposed to understand that?

TealRose - posted on 06/08/2011

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Never ever ever! I am a 56 yr old grandmother - and no, I did never hit my children and would never hit a child ever - no more than I would hit and adult!

You can't hit adults, or even criminals or animals so .. what on earth makes anyone hit a defenceless child is beyond me. There are NO reasons ever why a child should be hit.

The reasons children and 'ex' children think that spanking them 'worked' was because that is what they have grown up with and are used to. How much better it would have been to actually teach them without hitting them we shall never know.

From the first time my parents hit me, they lost me, forever. They lost my love, respect and trust. I have never respected or trusted anyone who hits another. And love? Well lets just say that as I grew into an adult I did my duty and cared for my mum but love ... I am not sure I would call it that. All that hitting me taught me was fear, pain, anger, hate and resentment - and that they didn't love me! No, that 'post spanking pep talk' of 'oh we love you' didn't mean a thing to me as they had just HIT me! And cuddle afterwards?? No, I was NOT going to cuddle anyone who had just hit me! Never did. If they couldn't respect me - then they weren't getting my respect either - it goes both ways. Hitting is not respectful.

When there are a million gentle ways of teaching a child right from wrong, and how to become a good adult I do not understand how hitting a child teaches anything good - it teaches the above - plus how to avoid being hit, not WHY you should or shouldn't do a certain thing.

This 'running on the road' problem really confounds me. IF you have a toddler - then what the heck are they doing NEAR a road without you? Why not hold them tight if you are getting out of the car - using the pavement side. If they are older and walking to friends or school - tell them they cannot go on their own and that you will have to accompany them until you feel they can manage to use the roads sensibly!

Hot stoves? Again, either use a fireguard, or a play pen, or safety gate on the door way, or even the high chair while you cook. Sockets - buy covers and if the child can remove them - then buy better ones. Ones I used needed two adults at a time to remove them ! You can't expect a small child to understand .. but you CAN child proof your house.
And as for the Pearls ... sorry but don't even get me started on them! http://nogreaterjoychildren.wordpress.co... Total ... abuse. Discipline means to teach not to hit. I didn't spank my children because I read my Bible too ... and Christ never ever said anything about hitting children. He condemned anyone who would hurt them. And if God is gracious enough to forgive me, and treat me with love and kindness - as Christ did all sinners he met [he healed them FIRST and never hit them] then who am I to treat a child worse than GOD !

[deleted account]

@ Jennifer T: Yes, I do believe that they have possibly always felt that way about spanking. When they get mad about a few swats on the rear, their reactions are to act out more and throw a tantrum.
The term "breaking a child's will" (to me) is simply to outlast their disobedience/tantrum and show them how to correctly accomplish a task, share, speak nicely-respectfully, and to have a willing/loving attitude.
I do not want to change how the child's personality, I want them to understand that obedience and respect are very important - and not an option.

Jenni - posted on 06/08/2011

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Momma6kidz. Congrats on the big family, first of all. I have a soft spot for large families, I don't know why. teehee Maybe because I love kids so much. ;)

But do you think it's possible that they've always felt that way but only now have the words to tell you how they feel?

I find wanting to break a child's will or spirit a bit perplexing... I'm not sure why anyone would want to do that?
I have one very strong-willed child, my son... I would never want to break his spirit or will because that strength he has can be channelled into some very positive attributes. Strength to be a leader in life if nurtured and directed towards positive paths in life.
The strong-willed child requires a lot of direction and extra parenting but the end results can be a child who marches to the beat of his own drum and can make great impacts on the world.

Jaime - posted on 06/08/2011

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"But this idea that you can properly raise children and never assert any dominance over them is insane! You are the parent, act like it!" Asserting dominance over a child is not synonymous with spanking Sabrina. Wherever you conjured that idea from is beyond me! There are PLENTY of parents that do not use spanking and have raised children 'properly'. It's rather foolish to assume that because a child isn't spanked they aren't being raised properly, considering the fact that a higher percentage of prison inmates were spanked as children.

Sabrina - posted on 06/08/2011

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Yes, I don't understand how anyone can properly raise children and not spank. Spanking should not be the ONLY form of discipline, but it is definitely a good tool to pull out when nothing else works. Children can't be permitted to simply run a muck! My children as spanked when we have exhausted other forms of discipline or when they have done something which is harmful (running in the street, playing with the stove...) where I want them to identify that activity with a pain reaction. Of course I don't condone using paddles or objects in any way, and a proper spanking only takes place on the butt... But this idea that you can properly raise children and never assert any dominance over them is insane! You are the parent, act like it!

[deleted account]

I have spanked my kids... I don't do it so much anymore, especially the older ones. They are at an age where it makes them mad, makes them feel like a "line has been crossed", and I just believe that spanking is for the younger children (toddlers/preschoolers). My youngest tho'... she's a story to tell. When I swat her rear, she will laugh and say "didn't hurt, Mommy!" What do you do for that? It ends up with another swat and if she says it again, now she goes to time out (sit on steps). I am about to stop swatting her rear when she acts out and just stick to time out and breaking her will.

Jenni - posted on 06/08/2011

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There is more to positive discipline than just timeouts (I personally rarely use them other than a tool to teach my children to calm themselves down).
It would be uneffective if that were the only method of discipline we implimented.
Just as if a parent used a spanking at every infraction it would be equally uneffective without additional disciplinary techniques.
If you (general you) are relying on using a TO as and end all and be all to all behaviours without addressing specific behaviours require specific solutions... then yes, it will indeed be ineffective.

Ashley - posted on 06/08/2011

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Diane and Dana. I would disagree with you on the fact that it's learned behaviour. I was not spanked as a little one, and I will spank if my child is at risk of being injured or killed. Running on the road for instance is a particular issue. Telling my son to stop does not work, he is unable to communicate and understand what I am trying to say to him. He is almost 4, and the spanking seems to have worked because he doesn't do it with me anymore. Again different techniques work with different children.
I understand what you are saying though. Same issue I had with giving the kids a time out. I try not to do it because it doesn't teach them much. Time in's I find are much more effective. But each is own.

Jaime - posted on 06/08/2011

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"training our children to obey" ((shudder))...this is definitely not the end goal that I will strive for when it comes to parenting my son. I don't want him to be obedient.

Tammy - posted on 06/08/2011

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A good book on the subject is "To Train up a Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl. They are wonderful parents and have raised excellent children who are loving, respectful and great people in their communities! If you are to read the book (its not very long) I encourage you to read the entire book because it is very important to hear EVERYTHING the authors have to say! I believe spanking out of discipline rather than anger is ok and more effective then time outs, if your consistent with this type of discipline you will have less times of correction and happier more respectful children.

Melanie - posted on 06/08/2011

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As a mom of five, the youngest of whom is ten, I will tell you that in my experience spanking has been effective in training our children to obey. We have always been careful not to spank our children in anger and only for things where they are showing defiance, not childish foolishness. Our children were told ahead of time that if they chose a particular behavior ( hurting another, back talk, lying, defying mom or dad) they would suffer the consequences ( a spanking). They were sent to their room (if we were home), we discussed why they were getting a spanking, spanked them, hugged them, received their apology, and then discussed other, wiser choices they might have made. It takes time and consistancy to discipline our children. It is no fun for them or for us, but it is needed. I just asked the four who are still living at home, and they all felt that spanking worked well in our home. They learned, the became responsible, hard working people who understand that there are rules to be followed and reasons for following them. We spanked our children because we believe that it is what is recommended in the Bible. I know that many of you have different ideas on the subject. I would hope that you would be open to seeing what the author of all wisdom has to say about discipline and the need to teach our children at a young age.

Jenni - posted on 06/08/2011

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" I believe " spare the rod ,spoil the child" . The Bible also says to ( paraphrasing) beat them for they will not surely die."



I find that revolting and completely irresponsible that a higher power would encourage beating a child within inches of their lives with no stipulations. That and other passages the 'Good' book condones is part of the reason I completely reject its teachings.

If there IS a God or higher power I do not believe he would suffer from such primal human emotions like hate, jealousy, anger, vengenence. I think a higher power's teachings would be more based on love, guidance and enlightenment. I actually love the teachings, preachings of Jesus and his diciples. The Old Testament should definitely be taken with a grain of salt. Promoting burning heretics and witches, stoning people and other atrocious practices... hundreds of other claims and fallacies admitted by the Catholic church to be not literal and unhistorical. It's completely fabled and denotes an entirely different culture than our own. A more primitive culture with more primitive practices.



How many atrocious practices were justified by individuals interpreting and using the Bible to benefit their own agendas. How is it that far-fetched that this isn't what is occuring now?

Jaime - posted on 06/08/2011

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OhJessie...the very nature of spanking denotes a loss of self-control, so to suggest that by spanking you are able to teach self-control is contradictory. And if your child is displaying malicious behaviour would it not make more sense to get to the root of the issue, rather than spank that child and consider it dealt with?



“And one has to be willing to apologize when wrong. Then they grow up willing to face their failings, feel sorry for them, and apologize - apologizing for something you're genuinely ashamed of is a great deterrent in adult life! That part of molding a person's character is something parents can do, and it's the purpose of spanking for malicious, defiant acts and attitudes.”



So your idea is that, in order to instill a strong sense of empathy in children, the plan is to spank them so that they learn to be ashamed of their actions and attitudes? Also contradictory. You cannot teach a child empathy by implementing the antithesis of empathy and striking at the core of their emotions with physical force. Children cannot be bullied into empathy…it is learned and as has been established, spanking does not teach anything but ‘fear the spanking’.

[deleted account]

yes. i was spanked when i was a kid. but my mom always threatened me in public so it wasnt the spank i was scared of it was the people who seen me bein bad. but my mom never like beat me she just gave me a lil slap on the butt. it worked for me so im goin to try it when my daughter is old enough to understand. whats right and whats wrong.and if it doesnt work then you can always try something different

Katie - posted on 06/08/2011

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In my experience with my four children , I have found that no one way works for every child except for maybe switching. I didn't like the idea of this method until I tried everything else and nothing worked. I even used to spank the side of my oldest son's thigh or backside with my hand. It never worked. My father always told me to take a switch to his legs , pretty lightly , just enough to sting a little. It doesn't really hurt them, just gets their attention. Since I started using this method , I don't have near as many problems. You need to read the book " To Train Up a Child". It was written by a Mennonite man , I believe. It really helped me when I was struggling with discipline issues. Sometimes I still have problems , and this may sound silly, but all I have to do is show the switch to the kids and generally they all begin to do better. But the key to this is consistency. If you discipline your child for something one time , you have to make sure you do so for every occurrence . Otherwise you are sending mixed messages and they will not learn what exactly it is you expect from them. Time out is something that I can use for my third son, he is the only one who responds to that method , but honestly he does even better with the switching method. I believe " spare the rod ,spoil the child" . The Bible also says to ( paraphrasing) beat them for they will not surely die. I don't believe in abusing the child by any means but a good spanking in the right manner or switching never did anyone any harm. If I get myself to the point to where I am angry , then I won't do it . I calm myself down first and then go back explain to the child what he did wrong and what I expect from him and then I may still switch his legs. But I always believe to tell them what they did wrong otherwise , they may not understand why they are getting punished and that is ususally when it causes anger and worse behavior from the child.

Charlotte - posted on 06/08/2011

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I was spanked as a child and it didn't work! I kept going to my brother's room in the middle of the night for many years despite a nightly spanking. The play time was worth it.

Jenni - posted on 06/08/2011

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I think it's a slippery slope when the difference between a "beating" (abuse) and a spanking is a matter of degrees.



Don't get me wrong; I sincerely believe there are some parents who spank that don't cross that fine line. I don't believe every parent knows the difference. I also believe there are some parents who spank who do so as a very last resort after they have exhausted all known solutions but there are also those who spank for every infraction and as a quick fix. I believe there are some parents who spank who do not do so out of anger but purely as a disciplinary measure. But there are also those who spank when angry, frustrated, annoyed. If you open that door you are likely to be more apt to making that mistake.



The lines of corporal punishment are blurred at best and are subject to change over time and between cultures.



In my grandparents day it was completely acceptable to use a 'rod' or tool rather than to hand out, what contemporary day we would refer to as, 'beatings'.



To me it is a Pandora's box and abuse is highly subjective. I simply would not want to gamble with my children's lives and fragile psyche.



If all discipline takes is understanding your child's developmental milestones, understanding your child's behaviour and formulating appropriate solutions for addressing the root of the behaviour. Why would anyone opt to hit over that?



To not spank was a decision I made before I had children. As I'm sure deciding to spank is a decision many other parents make before having children. There is always a solution for me and my family that doesn't involve hitting. It may take a lot more effort on my part, a lot more research, a lot more logic, a lot more critical thinking, a lot more repeatition, a lot more creativeness... but all those efforts are worth it for my family because.... it's plain and simple for me... there is always a better way than tanning my child's hide.

Jessica - posted on 06/08/2011

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I was spanked as a child, and I feel that I am a better person because of it. There is a HUGE difference between spanking and beating. I was never beaten, just spanked. Yes, my parents yelled and everything, when they needed to get something thru to me, but I only remember being spanked for the serious things that could have really hurt me. I have lightly slapped my daughter's hand when she's about to touch the stove, or try to play with the electrical socket (which have the protective covers, btw), but only for the things that can really hurt her.

I'd rather have her deal with a little smack on the hand, than have to deal with a hospital visit for a burn later on. Maybe that makes me strange, but that's what worked for me, and I turned out fine, and I have no scars for touching things I wasn't supposed to.

The same with gambling, you need to know the limit. I don't agree with beating your child, but I do believe in spanking, when it's needed.

M - posted on 06/08/2011

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No, I think spanking is wrong. Having said that, I have unfortunately done it before in a desperate situation so I'm not saying people that spank are bad. I absolutely believe most parents that spank are great parents. I just think there are other ways, so why do it? I think hitting is wrong, period (ok, unless we are talking self defense). And being OK with hitting someone just because they are smaller and less powerful than you is a bit disturbing. I have never read a good reason to spank. Sure, I have read plenty of stories, felt for the parent, and understood why they spanked, but there is always another way--even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment.

Cynthia - posted on 06/08/2011

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you shouldnt tell a child that tiger is going to ear her, thats all i'm saying. you should say if you don't stop you are going to get a spanking because that is not ok. something along the lines of teaching the kid why she is getting a spank.

Jenni - posted on 06/08/2011

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LOL... my son is convinced there is a white dog under his bed. :/ Not sure where he got the idea, some kids have monsters, my son has a white dog...
Don't think I'm not tempted to tell him he's gonna get him when he's giving me a hard time about going to bed. pffffft. lol

Nicole - posted on 06/08/2011

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We are raising human beings here people! It should just be settled that each child is different and requires different punishments. weather its taking away privileges, time outs, corner,or a tap on the rump. As long as YOU as a parent know you are doing your best to raise a strong, independent,loving,caring child. This world is not like it was when Jesus was around or how it was 20 yrs. ago! So yes Im gonna do everything in my power to make sure MY child grows up to be everyone of those things! I know whats works for my child (what worked the 1st time w/ her might not work the 2nd). My Aunt raised my cousin with logic and "lets talk about it hunny" and she is a complete mess! Not to say this doesnt work. It just means my Aunt should have taken a step back and realized this and chose another method of parenting !

Cynthia - posted on 06/08/2011

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minal i'm not sure what you are saying but it sounds so very wrong. wow! how old is your child. you tell her tiger is going to eat her then you spank her? what the hell????

Minal - posted on 06/08/2011

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i controlled my self for 1 month for not spanking. but still she dont listen then i beat her atleast 5 times on her bum , the result she never did that thing. sometimes u also to b hard. me too feel so bad when i did it, but have to do this sometime, after telling her what will happen if u do this, next time i told her by smiling darling dont do that otherwise tiger will come to eat u, next time angrily then tiger;s voice & then last i beat her o n her bum so hard , that will help me . but always after doing these all excersise.

Sarah - posted on 06/08/2011

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I personally think spanking is not the way to discipline a child. It teaches them violence is OK and IMO it isn't. While I agree there is major differences in spanking versus abuse, I don't see how you can then expect your child not to hit other people if you hit them.

Rachel - posted on 06/08/2011

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I believe that spanking has it's place. Not as a first measure, but if you say 'no' and your child continues, what do you do? There have to be consequences. You also have to teach them what is good and bad, as well as why it's good and bad. But they have to be old enough to actually learn that. Until they know for sure, it seems logical that spanking teaches them "hey, I don't want to do x, y, z because I'll get a spank." It's not meant to destroy their mind or body and shouldn't be done in anger, or just because. But it still has its' place. I also think it is more of a protective measure. They get a small hurt to tell them not to do the thing which gives them a large hurt, or worse.
Removing the temptation to do wrong is good. But sometimes that doesn't work. My daughter wants something, so if I take it away, she still wants it, but doesn't see it. When she sees it again, what will she do? She will go right for it again. So spanking is a form of boundary-making as well.
There's also the quote "spare the rod, spoil the child." Don't use that rod in anger, but use it when necessary.

Colleen - posted on 06/08/2011

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I'm sorry Lora Brown but I have to disagree with you. I was spanked as a child and most of my siblings were also spanked as children and NONE of us were bullies. and although I will agree some parents spank out of anger...not ALL parents spank out of anger.

Lora - posted on 06/07/2011

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I don't believe in spanking either. What I have seen is parents that do spank do so in anger. I never understood how we teach our children that they shouldn't hit another child or person, and then as parents we turn around and hit them. What is this teaching our children? This also creates bullies. If a child is being hit at home he/she will at times become the bully at school. I think talking to our kids and taking things they like works better. Least it always has for me.

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