discipline of kids in front of grandma...

Nicole - posted on 06/26/2010

I know exactly what your going through, my mother lives with us and we often argue about my parenting style. The most important thing to me is being a good parent and my mother knows this. I think that is why every time she disagrees with somthing i say or do she right away tells me that I am a bad mother, or says she feels bad for my son for having a mom like me, she has also told me that when my son gets older he will hate me for punishing him. So like I said I know what your talking about.
The one thing that I try to remember is something that I was told long ago... The best parents are the ones who worry about not being good enough.

Jennifer - posted on 06/26/2010

I recommend the book entitled, Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. It talks about staying connected with your child and reconnecting when disconnection happens. It sounds like your mom expressed her beliefs to you in a threatening/detached way. Thus keeping the cycle of disconnection going. Pam Leo talks about breaking the cycle and finding a way to stay connected to your child and get your needs met. Personally, I don't like getting peed on and my son does it sometimes with a smile and giggle too, but I guess he wasn't finished when I took his diaper off.

Lacye - posted on 06/25/2010

i told my mother one time after she had something to say about how i was raising my child that if she wanted to raise another kid then she needed to go and have another one, which would be funny because she is almost 60 years old. after that she left me alone about it.

Chanea - posted on 06/25/2010

O.M.G NO SHE DIDN'T NO SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE NERVE TO SAY THAT TO YOU. AND IN THAT IS YOUR BABY AND YOU ARE THE ONE THAT HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM AND HIS BEHAVIOR WHEN HE BECOMES AN ADULT SHE HAS NO RIGHT AT ALL TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HOW YOU CHOOSE TO RAISE YOUR BABY IF SHE DON'T LIKE SHE NEED TO KICK ROCKS FO REAL. HELL SHE DONE MAD ME MAD LOL

Lupe - posted on 06/25/2010

OMG...You are not a bad mother. My mother does the same thing with my 8yr old. We have gone round and round about this, but the truth of the matter is YOUR THE MOM!! She had her moment and we are grateful for that, but now it's our turn. We are not perfect and we may over react, but in time we ourselves will realize that.
My daughter now defends me and tells my mom to chill out because I just want the best for her! So see you'll be fine! What I've learned it to just hold my tongue and when my mom reacts I just say "Oh Mom!"

Vickie - posted on 06/25/2010

Your mother is actually still parenting you and by saying something so hurtful is not helpful by any means. So...you do what you see fit but I do have to say that my experience potty training my daughter got me so frazzled at times I acted like some one I never knew I could be. I don't know why but I just did. I have learned from that and have changed the way I handled things so that I didn't feel so bad about the discipline procedure. Basically figure out how you want to react from now on when something like that happens and stick to it so that there is no surprise for you, baby or grandma when you discipline. Sometimes you do have to leary of your surroundings when disciplining anymore. sad but true

Shawn - posted on 06/25/2010

You are his mom and you know what's best for your son. There is nothing wrong with disciplining him when he acts out. It will be hard at first but you need to stand up for your parenting skills. A two year old is well aware of their behavior and if they are behaving badly then they need to be taught that the behavior is not acceptable. I speak as a parent who has gone through what you have and as a former daycare teacher. It's not easy but it is most definitely necessary. And by the way it shows how much you love your son when you are willing to discipline him. Keep your head up and keep being the great mom you are. :-)

Ella - posted on 06/25/2010

While I am NOT a proponant of HITTING your child. I will admit I have smacked my boy (once for biting me) it was a reaction. I am not proud of it and I have a no-hitting rule in the home. Does it happen? Do we moms slip up? you bet.
You are not a bad mother b/c you slipped up. Gentle Parenting is HARD! Esp. with a very outgoing boy! (and mine i only 20 months). This site helps me lots. http://www.drmomma.org/2010/02/gentle-di... Good luck.

Amy - posted on 06/25/2010

I would have done the same thing. You are NOT a bad mother...a bad mother would have let that kind of behavior alone.

Christi - posted on 06/24/2010

i think you did overreact. you shouldn't have punished him for that. if it is an issue then potty train him. kids go when they have to go. should she have said anything, no. it was not her place.

Sarah - posted on 06/24/2010

No, your mum's just being the grandmother, my partners mum used to beat him black and blue for doing the slightest thing, yet he shouts at my stepson and she has a go at my partner. Grandmothers are a pain on the butt lol
Kids need discipline not all this touchy feely crap they try to force on to you, why do you think kids are so horrible these days, simple fact lack of parenting and physical discipline, my son is 1 and he knows when he's doing wrong, i tell him no 3 times is he touches something dangerous or fragile and he knows what no means because he gives a little smirk and keeps doing it, i eventually give him a little smack on the hand and then on the butt if it continues, although most of the time he thinks it's funny. But he still stops

Kristin - posted on 06/24/2010

Personally, it seems as though there was some over-reacting going on all around. At 2, he was likely just seeing what it was like to pee that way. I TOTALLY understand why you got upset and swatted his leg. I'm not big on cleaning up bathroom errors anymore than necessary. I also get where your mom was coming from, a swat does seem excessive.

So, in answer to your question. NO, you are not a bad mother and you absolutely need to discipline your son. I prefer time-outs to swats anytime, but sometimes it does seem the only way to get the message through. If you don't want to use swats or spanking as discipline, then look into other methods. Just remember to be consistent, kind, and firm about the rules and enforcing them. Hope this helps.

Jennifer - posted on 06/24/2010

Every child needs to be disciplined at some point or another (some more than others) and needs to be disciplined no matter where the behavior is happening. Both of my children know what behavior they will be disciplined for and if they choose to do that behavior in public or around others, than the discipline will be the same. I have put both of my children in timeout in the middle of Walmart (while screaming their little heads off) but they need to know that the negative behavior will not be accepted. I actually had to discipline my daughter in front of my mother the other day and she stated that this is not what she came to visit for and to just leave it alone. I had to explain to her that my children act they way they do (they are usually well behaved) because of how we react to their behavior and that she needed to know that I will always be consistent with discipline.
Do not worry about what others think of you and as long as you are disciplining in an appropriate manner for the behavior, than keep doing what you are doing. Remember, you are the one that has to live with the child and deal with it on a daily basis, so be consistent.

Iris - posted on 06/24/2010

We went through that with my oldest son.. He did that at 4 and he got a spankin on the butt.. There is nothing wrong with it.. He did something bad and u could not let him get away with it.. And ur mom or mother in law should stay the heck out of it..I disciplined my son when he was young with a smack on the butt with an open hand..

Kris - posted on 06/23/2010

NO you are not wrong!!!!!!!! I had to have a talk with my mom about budding in when I discipline my son (who is now 5 yrs old) He is 2 and they are a lot smarter then we take them for LOL at two he knew not to pee on you.... try to put him in time out ( 1 min per age up to no more the say 10 min ) remember 2 min is forever for a two yr old I do spank my child but only in an extreme case Like yours He would have gotten spanked and put in time out NOT HIS ROOM A CORNER WHERE YOU CAN SEE HIM SET A TIMER AND THEN EXPLAIN AFTER WHY HE WAS IN TIME OUT GOOD LUCK :)

Selesha - posted on 06/23/2010

My opinion is this.. A 2 year old does know right from wrong. No matter what your mother says.. Correcting your child allows them to know who is the boss.. Its those same people who belittle parnets for correcting their children than complain when the child is older tearing apart their home..

If you didn't leave a mark, than you allowed your child to know what he did was wrong..

Tina - posted on 06/23/2010

i say do ewhat you are doing. grandmas can sometimes be that way
he does know what he is doing
my daughter is 11 mos and she will go to the intertainment center look at me with a smirk and then touch the stuff on it

Vanessa - posted on 06/23/2010

You did what alot of mothers would have done and your not a bad mother for doing so. I have a mother in law that is the same and you need to stand your ground i actually told my mother in law thast if she didnt like it she should just stay away and she hasnt commented on anything i have done again and i wouldsay the same thing to any other person that tried to tell me that what i was doing with my chjildern was wornd. Your his mother and you know best!!!! Take heart in knowing that you are not alone with this kind of situation and that your confidence in yourself and the job you are doing should be enough to help you through any type of situation that you are faced with.

Ruth - posted on 06/23/2010

Im sorry but I dont care were I am if my kids need disipline they get it....Not saying the get beat them but a tap on the butt.

Lisa - posted on 06/23/2010

You are not a bad mom. I will give you some insight as to what i am going thru. I have a 17yr-old step-son and i am regretting that i never disciplined him infront of my husbands mom. she had spoken to me on a few occassions about "if you ever spank him or lay a hand on him i will turn you into the police" so, i never did and now i am paying for it. he is a monster even at 17. this kid is unruley. i told his dad abouot these conversations when they happened and of course he defended his mom saying that she would never do something like that and when he confronted her she lied.
so you discipline as you see fit and dont let anyone tell you differently.

Amanda - posted on 06/23/2010

i think u did the right thing. a 2 yea old knows what they r doing. He is testing ur patience and you need to let him know that you will not be putting up w/ his misbehaving. You are not in the wrong and absolutely no where near the definition of abusive. I'd do the same thing if i were in ur shoes. :)

Kristina - posted on 06/23/2010

Plz that boy knew damn well what he was doing. My neice used to take her doody as she calls it and would take it out of her diaper and put it on the walls or rub it in the carpet. Id like to know how is it that your mother doesnt think he knows what hes doing. My neice knew what she was doing was bad she was doing it for attention. And if someone has a problem with the way your raising your child then they can quite frankly piss off. Your that boys mother and if I were in your situation I would of done the same thing. Dont think your a bad person because your disciplining your child. Thats why all the kids now days are into drugs and gangs and all that drama because they lacked dicipline!! Keep the spanking up more power to you!!

Cristina - posted on 06/23/2010

Well ladies, it's true what you all have said, I try so hard not to spank or talk loudly when talking to my son,but sometimes it gets to a point where he won't even acknowledge I am even in the room talking to him, I loose it and get mad, we are indeed human women, so I discipline and it's almost a daily thing with my mom, I will speak to her, haven't been wanting to tell her but yes, he is MY son, and I honestly believe that he needs a strong hand now and then. so thanks.

Meghan - posted on 06/23/2010

u did the right thing! im surprised it was ur mom and not the mother in law though! me and my guy have gotten in so many arguements with his mom over our parenting and disiplining. my daughter bites and pulls hair and we are trying to break her of that. so we will pull her hair back and nibble back. i got that idea from my family and have read about it on her. well when my daughter decides to pull grandmas hair she wont pull back saying that is just mean.

Jenna - posted on 06/23/2010

You had every right to discipline your child. Your mother overstepped her bounds. She had a chance to raise you, it is only fair that you have every opportunity to raise your son as you see fit. We have the same problem with my MIL. My hubsnad raised his voice to our son when we were at her house. My son had been playing with the electrical outlet. Once my husband raised his voice, he looked at us, and then went back to playing with the outlet. My husband got up went over and smacked his hand, told him NO!, and smacked his bottom. His mother rushed over and said "Don't you hit him!!" as she picked my son up and whisked out of the room saying we are horrible parents and we beat our child. Needless to say, my husband wasn't too happy after that. We said our peace, packed up our son, and left.

Heather - posted on 06/23/2010

Discipline is how a child learns what is appropriate and what is not- so, no- you don't need to change your way of parenting!! You are absolutely right- 2 year olds are aware that they are being naughty at times, and you, as his mother, are likely able to tell when that naughtiness is deliberate!! Don't let this incident make you question yourself- you are doing great, I'm sure. =)

Debi - posted on 06/23/2010

Oh honey, 2 year olds know, trust me. And he's your child. If you were abusive, she has an obligation to step in but anyone would've done the same thing in your situation. You need to let her know you appreciate her love for her grandson, but he's your child & you need to discipline him the way you see fit and that she can't interfere, especially in front of him. Kids will play you against one another.

Tasha - posted on 06/23/2010

You are the mother, remenber that. My mother does the same thing. It really angers me when other people try to tell you what your doing is wrong. I think you did what you saw fit to do. Tell your mother if she doesn't like the way discipline your child then she may just see a little less of you. Don't let her tell you how to raise your children. You did the right thing. You are a good mother!

Kathleen - posted on 06/23/2010

I know where you are coming from, and personally, i do not see anything wrong with your parenting. everybody parents different, and you cannot back down even a little with your child, because your 2 year old will see that and then every time gma is around,he will do something that he would usually get punished for because he knows he will not h=be punished in front of her. you have to keep up your discipline no matter where you are.
I got in a heated discussion with my MIL because when my son hit the stage of screaming fits adn throwing himself around and such, I walk away and tell him to talk to me when he is done with the fit. she kept saying that i need to discuss his feelings, but i dont see why i should have to discuss feelings with a 2 year old when they are throwing a fit, he can just talk to me when he is done. and now that he is at the stage where he tests my limits, i do notlet him get away with anything, even when she is around. she just has to understand that he is MY child and I am the PARENT, so everything that happens in his life is up to me and my husband, NOT her! hope things work out for you!

Corinne - posted on 06/23/2010

You are not a bad mother. My son is 22 months old and acts up all the time and if he pushes too far he gets the back of his hand or leg smacked. It is not for anyone else to decide or judge you for how you discipline your child. At this age I believe that children respond better to a raised voice or light spank as they have no concept of society and what the rules are. How can you explain it in words they will understand? They work just like any other young animal, on instinct and emotional response. Stick to whatever works for you and your child. Good luck. x

Vicki - posted on 06/23/2010

NO, ur not a bad mother for disciplining ur child. I'm sure you were disciplined wen you were younger and probably more severely than most kids now what with the new laws against such discipline. If more parents had taken their children in hand we wouldn't have so many 8 year olds with asbos now would we.One slap doesn't mean you're a bad mother.

Lacye - posted on 06/22/2010

NO YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER!!!!!!!! apparently your mother has forgotten what it was like to battle with a 2 year old. and that is what it is, a battle! my daughter is 13 months old and she knows somewhat what right and wrong is. she knows what no is and knows that if she does something, she will get into trouble. i know some might not agree with you spanking but i am a pro spanker. if it didn't hurt him, i don't see anything wrong with it. the most you did was hurt his pride but he will forget it. i bet that if he peed on her she wouldn't be so hot to criticize you.

Alyssa - posted on 06/22/2010

I don't think you did anything wrong. He knows what he did. I don't know if he knows it was wrong. I think its your kid and your mom can bit your butt. I would tell my mom the same thing. My mom tries that crap with me and I tell her I carried him he came out of me and I will hang him upside down by his toes if I want to.

Elysia - posted on 06/22/2010

you are not by any means a bad mother and its horrible for your mum to make u feel that way. My son is 15months old and he gets diciplined with a smack on the hand or bum (with nappy) and if its really naughty on the top of the thigh. He understands this as u see him when he is doing it watching and waiting to get a reaction with this cheeky smile on his face. Children need boundries, what happens if you dont disipling and they get hurt because they dont respect your authority. I dont think you need to get help, if you had just wildly swung at him or smacked him around the head then i would see cause for concern but u did it in a perfectly appropriate place and im sure with suitable force. u cant please everybody. Ive had a few words with my partners grandmother because i wont give in to my sons tantrums as i dont want him to know that a tantrum will get him his own way and i was told i could do that in my house but now when i was there. As far as im concerned hes my son and if my rules dont go with him then he just doesnt go there.

Justine - posted on 06/22/2010

There's discipline and then there's abuse. You are not a bad mother of showing your child what they did was wrong. I know how you feel... my mother in law is sorta the same way. My son is her first grandchild and he can do NO wrong. Just don't let her get to you.

Lea - posted on 06/22/2010

You know it just might be time to start sitting him down on a child potty as you are taking off the diaper. Hes showing he obviously knows what hes doing!

Nyssa - posted on 06/22/2010

I'm kinda scared to spank my children infront of my inlaws; even though, I clearly remember my MIL telling me I should. I can't remember why she said that (what my child was doing). I don't think it was something that required that hard of a punishment. But I do remember telling her she could spank the child. No way was she going to do that. Why suggest it then? I know, they're not her kids, she shouldn't have to punish them. My kids have been spanked when we're at the in-laws, but it 's by my husband, and I think when it has happened my MIL acts like they shouldn't have been. I have swatted my 15mos old on the butt when he won't lay still for a dirty diaper. He quits moving around after that. Who wants poop all over? It's not just squirming around a little either. He really doesn't want to lay there to be changed, so he's trying his best to get up.

Cara - posted on 06/22/2010

I dont think you are a bad mother at all..you have to do what is right for you and your child! You know your child better than anyone and know what he can and cannot handle and i certainly agree they know much more than alot of people give them credit for! I say that as long as it is not a full blown hit and just a "hey thats not acceptable" little shock to go "stop it" then it should be ok. Obviously you love your child and want whats best for him otherwise you wouldnt have been upset by the comments and written this. :) Trust in yourself!

Lenili - posted on 06/22/2010

I have 3 kids and my youngest who is 17 months will always go into the nice living room and throw my photo frames on the floor stepping all over it causing it to break. I had spanked his hands and told him "no" not to touch, he now goes in there with his brother and sister and does not touch any of the frames. We think that they don't know anything because they are so young, but kids are smarter then we think. I don't disagree with you at all I don't abuse my kids because I love them to death and would die for them, but I do spank them when they do wrong because they need to know wrong from right. When they do right I praise them with a treat, hug and a high 5.
My parents are the same way so don't have your mom make you think you're a bad mother. My folks freak out when I put my kids in time out or I spank them, but if we don't train them the right way now they will be one of those kids running the streets... That is the problem with kids now and days they aren't discipline and we see the results of that. Keep up with your doing you are not a bad mom for it...!!!!

Leanne - posted on 06/22/2010

I'll be honest. I'm not a pro spanker by any means, but if it had been me, I'd have smacked his leg too. I probably might have even done more afterward with a time out etc as well.

Two years old or not, respect is still mandatory when it's mom or dad who ask for it. Part of the problem with so many kids these days is that they are NEVER disciplined for anything. That is what leads to a child becoming a brat no one else wants to be around either. His peeing on you purposely was disrespectful, even at his age!

Your mother will just have to suck it up. It's not her that will have to deal with the most immediate repercussions if your child does grow into being a brat. No one wants that, and that includes her as well.

Amanda - posted on 06/22/2010

Ugh parents!!! No you are not a bad mother for disciplining your child. You did not beat him, you probably shocked him more than hurt him, and I absolutely agree with you - 2yos are WAY smarter than people give credit for ...

Jessica - posted on 06/22/2010

i know this may sound rude, but if my mother EVER made a comment like that about my parenting...i would have to straight up tell her to butt out! Two year olds DO know what they are doing to an extent, and the smile you described indecates he knew exactly what he was doing...i see nothing wrong with disciplining a child, infront of grandparents or not. if the child needs it, then the child needs it. if it bothers your mother maybe you could do it in a different room, so that she doesnt have to see it? im sure she had to discipline her child(ren) from time to time! no child is a perfect angel all the time, and you certainly cant let them get away with everything, cuz it would come back to haunt you!! anway, no it does not make you a bad mom, and having to discipline your child is part of parenting...

Katie - posted on 06/22/2010

no your not a bad mother

Jamie - posted on 06/22/2010

Cristina-"I got mad, hit his calf with my hand" is it possible your mom reacted to the getting mad part more than to the discipline part, as adults we tend to forget we have the size and strength of a bull compared to a child, and being mad and disciplining is (Just my opinion an oxymoron) reason for this thought is are we then not just showing our 2 yr old how to have a temper tantrum and how to get what they want by hitting? Don't get me wrong I do believe in spanks when appropriate,I just never disciplined in anger, ever I gave myself a time out and had a clear mind before I dealt with the issue.

Tasha - posted on 06/22/2010

TOTAL BS! He soooooooo knows what he is doing! I say you were right. You have to tell him no and handle it your way or hes going to try it again when your in public then what?!?

Stacy - posted on 06/22/2010

" I would try other methods before resorting to-violence is too strong a word but using spanking or soemthing like that. I've noticed that the few times i have spanked my son his response for the next few days is to hit when he doens't get his way"

I have to say I agree with this wholeheartedly as it has been my experience with my now 4 yo as well. To be perfectly frank, just yesterday she shoved the baby, so I (as a big grown up mature lady *rolling my eyes* ) shoved the 4 yo back almost w/o thinking. Um. Dumb move as the 4 yo then hit ME.

I totally hear you on discipling in front of others, esp your own mom. I often get crap later from my mom, altho she's never seen me hit anybody, intentionally or not. She thinks I'm too "harsh" in what I say and when I refuse to back down. All I can say is, Lady, you had your chance! But I really only smile and nod and carry on.

So, we discipline over and over again firmly and lovingly esp when we know we're being tested and I really do try and not hit as it always backfires and makes me feel like crap. I'm still learning! :)

Kelina - posted on 06/21/2010

No you're not a bad mother and yes he does know if he's doing something wrong. My son is 16 months and already does timeouts because he knows when he does soemthing wrong. It's a normal reaction to discipline immediately when soemthing like that happens. i'll admit that every so often when my son does something bad I react before I can think and have spanked him once or twice. Not hard usually just hard enough to get his attention away from what he was doing. I would try other methods before resorting to-violence is too strong a word but using spanking or soemthing like that. I've noticed that the few times i have spanked my son his response for the next few days is to hit when he doens't get his way. Things will simmer down but ultimately you are his mother and you're going to have to defend your parenting probably many times over. Good luck

Chris - posted on 06/21/2010

one more important point... don't let people make you feel guilty for disciplining in love♥

Chris - posted on 06/21/2010

You should probably let your mom know that she needs to respect your way of parenting, and that you would appreciate her advice on parenting when y'all are alone. if she is disrespecting you in front of your son, that's just bad news. so, NO you are not a bad mother for disciplining your child... however, I have learned that we don't always know what is going on in our little toddlers heads, like maybe he was trying to make you laugh or something... even though it was not funny to you. or maybe he just had to go;) but he's two. and maybe there was a better way of handling it, like without slapping him. and I am a firm believer that we should continue to get help in transforming our ways of parenting; this is a journey. not a destination;) ♥ so you are doing very well to seek advice.

Theresa - posted on 06/21/2010

I do believe kids that age can be taught right from worng. They are smart enough. My daughter is only 21 months and she gets time out for things she does that are not OK. She understands. However just because your son was smiling while doind ti doesn't mean he knew what he was doing, or could control it. If he could control his peeing he'd be potty trained. I think in this situation you may have over reacted, but that doesn't make you a bad mother. It makes you a mom who made a mistake just like all the rest of us do. Don't beat yourself up over it. Move on, your son won't love you any less. Thank goodness they still love us even when we screw up, because most of us screwup a lot! :) There are no manuals and we're all just winging it. It sounds to me like your mother over reacted way more than you did. To make things better between the two of you you could just say to something like "I'm sorry we got into an argument the other day." Leave it at that. I think she should apologize too, but you can't control what she does. Good luck.