Discipline. To spank or not to Spank Your Point of View

Stifler's - posted on 11/15/2010

Or because church is boring

Erin - posted on 11/15/2010

I'm just not a fan of spanking. I was spanked as a child when I "misbehaved" in church ( how a 4 yr old is to sit still for 45 min I would never know.) Guess what? I never go to church now and the spankings for not being still and quiet is probably why. There are so many more ways to discipline our children we don't need to spank them and hello how are we supposed to teach our children not to hit if we hit them?

Megan - posted on 11/14/2010

We spank in set situations. We live in an apartment building where the stairs down the first floor exit ONTO the street. We could not afford to have our son feel it was ok to run down the stair and into the stree without us and it was the only way that got through to him fast enough. We now spank for any life threatening situation such as running in to the street/parking lot, running away from us in the store and hiding, and climbing things that he has no business climbing, like the railing on the deck at his aunts (12 ft drop to concrete). He may also get a spank if he has come out of timeout multiple times before the time is up for no reason, or if he has been throwing a tantrum for a long period of time on a long drive. We caught ourselves turning to it too often and had to set more rigid rules about why so that we did not overuse it. And when I say spank, I mean 1-3 swats that sting, and may leave a red mark for about 5 min, but no more than that.

Celia - posted on 11/14/2010

punching and shoving and so on is not a "spanking" that was abuse...

Bethany - posted on 11/14/2010

I don't do anything to Charlotte that I don't want her to do to another person.

My comments wouldn't really be too relevant though, as I'm told she is already a good baby, and even if I was a crap mother, she would still be good. (hahahahahahaha, yeah, that was from a friend with no kids who sees us once in a blue moon)

I follow the book "The Science of Parenting" by Margot Sunderland.

If Charlotte is about to grab something dangerous, I have automatically "slapped" her hand out of the way of danger, but I'd expect her to do the same if she saw someone in danger. I don't use hitting on any level as a "punishment". I see my self as her guide and ambassador and mentor, so I try not to bully her, she's little as it is, and there'll be plenty of bullies in her future, her mum isn't going to be one of them.

Renae - posted on 11/14/2010

The official answer to your question is this - if you leave a mark, or hit more than once, that is abuse - according to the child protection authorities in my state, it may be different in other states or countries.

I agree with everything you have said. I also wonder, if people spank for small things - for example, touching the TV buttons or going into a cupboard where they are not allowed - what do you do when you need a punishment that makes a really big statement? When they do something dangerous and you need them to know you are downright serious, if they get smacked for everything then how do you up the anty? I have just always wondered that.

My baby is only young, 20 months, so punishment isn't an issue yet. So far we have only had to use a firm, stern voice. Recently he kept trashing the office, usually pulling all of the envelopes out and spreading them around the floor, so I made him pack them away, he did it again, I made him clean it up again, this went on for about 5 times, eventually he got sick of cleaning them up and hasn't touched them since. That sort of scenario has happened with other things.

I think some parents feel the need to reiterate to the child that they are the boss. Children are helpless enough as it is, they often long for independence and to be bigger and older, I dont think that every battle has to be won with force, I think that as long as you achieve the lesson in the end there are better ways to go about it. I am a sleep consultant so this point of view probably comes from my views on sleep training, I'm just reapplying the same concept.

Rachel - posted on 11/13/2010

I know that there are many parents out there that have been abused as children and I can see the reasoning behind not wanting to follow in your own parents steps. My parents never went "too far" yes I was spanked as a consequence of my own actions, and to tell the truth most of the time I knew that i had done something wrong yet i deliberatly did something wrong.... yes many times I was a true handfull for my mother.

when diciplining my own son spanking is not the first thing that is done first we will say no, then say no again with a "dont touch ...." often my son is getting in to things and knows he should not be doing whatever it is that he is doing yet he will laugh and run off normally taking whatever he had in his hand with him... he knows that he has done wrong... after that if he does not come and give the item ... then he may get a spanking. spanking him does not make me feel good in any way... as cliche as it sounds it does heart me more than it does him. I don't leave any sort of mark, it breaks my heart when I have to resort to the last form of punishment yet I know that it is for the best. I do think that it is a problem if a person is not affected when they spank their child, then yes it is much more likely they will be abusing their child insted of simple punishment.

as I mentioned before there are some children that nothign else will work to curb behavior myself included. my parents could have talked to me till they were blue in the face, I could have sat in the corner for hours on end and that not been a punishment, going to my room... now that would have been a joke. For me the only thing that would get the message across was a spanking.

Rachel - posted on 11/13/2010

It is very intereseting to see everyones opinion. I did not post this to judge anyone so I wont we are all entitled to our own opinions and i respect that. I definetely agree with it should be a last resort, if its over used it would become unaffective. You have opened my eyes a little. It is not that horrible to spank your children in extreme cases. Such as the hot oven, or running into the road. I may not do this myself but i can see why some people would. The problem with spanking is that it is an easy solution, that can be over used. I can't count the number of times i have heard you better not do that or else.... My mother use to spank us, or use a belt or a spoon at first. Eventually it graduate into harsh punishments as we got older.She would spank us then we would get locked in a closet, cellar, basement or whatever was closest. Eventually there were locks on the fridge, bathroom, and her bedroom. Too me the spankin more or less gave her control over us. Yes all parent should have control over their children but to some extent. Having to ask to use the bathroom at 11 years old is ridiculous, not being allowed to wash your own hair at 11 years old because she says u can't do it right. My sister more or less got beat, she was oldest and very lippy. Many times at dinner she would end up under it as my mom hit her repeatedly, then get dragged by the hair up to her room. Did spanking give her control, and then she needed more control as we grew up? I will never know. It is always in the back of my mind, perphaps that is why I refuse to spank my children. Self control is easily lost for me, to spank my son and step over a line would crush me. I know i have the ability to snap and cross that line, so i try not to put myself in a situation where it could happen. Hard to do when your 4 year old loves to push your buttons but that is when time outs come in handy. The problem is when someone doesn't realize that it has escalated above a simple spank. Once they are so far down that path, can they really turn around. And is it worth the risk for the childrens sake. Aren't there safer methods of punishment? Please comment again opinions are welcome

Christi - posted on 11/13/2010

I grew up being spanked and I strongly believe that it can work on some children is some DIRE situations. The line were it becomes abuse is when it leaves a mark and when people don't know when to stop. I do not spank my son because he is Autistic and does not grasp the concept of right and wrong. I think spanking works if it is to get the point across that it could cause you harm. Like if a child was trying to get into a hot oven

Bridget - posted on 11/13/2010

Growing up my Mom "spanked" me, in her mind she didnt do anything wrong- but her spanking was really punching, slapping, throwing, shoving etc. There were never serious injuries- but she took things way too far. One time she dragged my sister up the stairs by her hair, intentionally hitting her head on each step. She still doesnt have boundaries, as an adult my Mom will STILL hit us on occasion, she even slapped me while I was pregnant with my daughter. In her mind what she is doing was Ok, especially considering how she was raised. Her mother would lock a group of her children in a room, make them clean, come around after a while with a metal yard stick and do a white glove test. If they failed they all got beat with the yard stick. There were serious beatings, so the fact that my Mom rarely used anything except hands was Ok to her. Because of my history I have decided not to spank my kids. I am terrified that, in my case specifically, a spank could turn into a slap, which could turn into a punch etc. We never learned true lessons from my Mom, we just feared her in general.
On the other hand, my Dad was the most amazing Dad. He rarely yelled, rarely got angry at all. BUT I was spaked by him a small handful of times- not to where it hurt, but to where he sent a message, and boy did it send a message. I KNEW if he spanked me I had really crossed the line, and I never did it again.
I dont think spanking is wrong, if its done with the right intention and to teach a very specific lesson. If its used to take out anger or aggression on the children it is certainly wrong, but like in the case with my Dad, if it isnt used to cause physical pain, just to send a message, then I dont see anything wrong with it.

Stifler's - posted on 11/12/2010

I think it can all work. But it's your own choice how to discipline your kids and I don't care, AS LONG AS YOU DO and they're not little shits it's fine with me.

Deanna - posted on 11/12/2010

We do and don't spank. HA! Figure that. lol
Really though we have only swatted our children when their lives were in danger and they intentionally didn't listen or follow the rules etc. (i.e. sticking something in an outlet, blindly walking out in a street and so on)
I personally don't care what other parents think on the rare occasion that I do. I swatted my youngest today because she still refuses to stay in her car seat and yes she can get herself in as well as out of it. Time outs are our typical means of discipline and like you it is 1 minute per year of life. My older children have to write me an essay while they sit in time out on what they did wrong, why they did it, and how they are going to fix the behavior. However, I don't agree with spanking or hitting all the time. It doesn't make sense just like the whole "You know you shouldn't be doing that." crap either. I don't get that parenting. lol My in-laws use the you know you shouldn't do that or shouldn't whatever. my favorite is when they tell their kids not to do something specifically "or else" and their child does it anyways. nothing ever happens. :) Of course then there are parents like me, Their oldest started hitting mine. I taught mine martial arts and let her kick the crap out of him repeatedly until her learned to leave her and her sisters alone. :) When my in-laws asked me what I was going to do about my daughter and her behavior I told them I was taking her to Dairy Queen as a reward and walked off. We did just that. So depending on the problem depends on the punishment. However, we still prefer to send ours to the corner or time out if at all possible which is most times. good luck and god bless

Rachel - posted on 11/12/2010

spanking is not abuse. a tap on the rear as a reminder/punishment for something that a child is doing that is wrong. especially when a child is young can work wonders. my son tries to run out on to the road that is extremely dangerous and consequences need to be handed out immediately personally I want my child to fear what will happen to him if he runs out in the road.

dicipline is done out of love, where as a good dividing line I have found/ heard is abuse is when you are punishing a child out of anger. spanking a child when you are angry is to me abuse. I explain why the child recieved the punishment no matter what that punishment is.

I know that as a child it was not a punishment for me to be put in a time out, or be talked to I have a very active immagination and the only form of punishment I responded to was getting spanked, and shock of all shocks I am a upstanding, and contributing member of society. I never did drugs, got in trouble with the law, I am a stay at home mom but I have no problem working. I had several full time jobs out of high school so I could pay for college. I know too many of my peers who had no discipline at home when they were young and they have a sense of entitlement, they deserve the best of everything with not working they can't show up to work and don't' take responsibility for their own actions, no matter what it is someone else's fault.

I am not saying to beat your child black and blue for an offense but, correction done in love would never do that.

Khadijah - posted on 11/12/2010

I personally do not like to spank but I have to agree with Lisa Berends comment: sometimes it may be necessary when other forms of discipline is not working and the behavior of the child poses a danger to himself or others around him/her. I avoid spanking at all cost with my girls. I have popped them on the hand a couple of times but usually I am a fan of "time outs". They seem to work wonderfully so I try to stick to it.



Spanking is a method of trying to change or do away with a certain behavior and abuse to me seems more of a intentional over agressive way of instilling fear in a child.



But then that would lead me to ask: Shouldn't a child have some form of fear in them? Isn't there a healthy level of fear that every child should have? Isn't it fear that keeps a child from doing certain things that may cause injury to themselves of someone else? Just a thought? As a child I was spanked and at today's standards would have deffinitely been considered abuse. But I have to say, when I was spanked I knew not to do whatever I was doing again. Not necessarily because I knew it was wrong but because I feared being spanked again! This is why I chose to stick more so with the positive reinforcement rather than the spanking. I want my girls to understand WHY they should not do something as oppose to just fearing the pain of a spanking as a consequence or doing so.

Lisa - posted on 11/12/2010

While I don't believe in spanking, I do not agree with the lady who said spanking and child abuse could go hand in hand. However, there are times when I have given one of my children a "smack" on the butt and I'm sure some would say this is spanking. Fine, that's your opinion. This is done to usually get their attention or when other forms of discipline are not working and the behavior is continuing. For example, I had caught my 2 year old standing on the back of the recliner 4 times in the last 2 1/2 hours. It's dangerous and he could hurt himself. In instances such as this, I come up to him, smack his bottom (mind you he has clothes and a diaper on) and tell him, I’ve told you already that this is dangerous and you could get hurt…we DO NOT use furniture as step stools.
Discipline is discipline…whether it is positive or negative. There are forms of positive discipline that are effective and there are forms of negative discipline that are effective. However, there is a difference between punishment and discipline and this is what most people confuse.
Punishment is a parent focusing on controlling an unwanted behavior. Discipline is the child focusing on changing an unwanted behavior.
Spanking is a punishment. Can it be effective? Yes, in some instances punishment can be effective.
Behavior modification is a discipline and it can be positive or negative. Can it be effective? Yes, discipline can be effective but only if it is used properly.
So my final answer? Parents need to work on modifying unwanted behaviors and use appropriate means for the situation.

Chatty - posted on 11/12/2010

Spanking is hitting -- it's all semantics and in my opinion it's wrong and unecessary! Anyone who wants to focus on positive discipline please join us in PBS.

http://www.circleofmoms.com/positive-beh...

Amanda - posted on 11/12/2010

Spanking and abuse could almost go hand in hand, considering that a parent who uses spanking as a form of discipline will more than likely(not always) continue to use and may eventually not be able to control themselves and that's when it turns into abuse. Personally I don't spank and never have. I can remember being spanked maybe 3 times as a child when I was younger and I've never spanked any one of my children for misbehaving. Timeouts work wonderfully instead. Like you said it defeats the purpose for trying to prove a point to a child. You were hitting so I'm going to hit you back. That doesn't make sense to them or anyone else. I may tap them on their hand when they are younger for something like throwing a toy, but that's very rare. My opinion is that no, I hate spanking and don't think you get the results your looking for when using that form of so called discipline. :)

Chrystal - posted on 11/12/2010

My opinion is that there is a difference between spanking and hitting. Spanking is discipline, and hitting is abuse.