do people stay together just for their child? does it work?

Dawn - posted on 06/15/2011 ( 76 moms have responded )

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I have a "boyfriend", keimanas dad, that is emotionless. I express the emotions in oir relationship two fold because of it. We r coming to the point of seperation. After my little mini breakdown, he finally agreed to go to counseling. Did i mention he is lazy. So i am exhausted and havent started the counseling process. I am attached to beinh at home with my Ngel, and cant imagine leaving her at daycare. Do i stay with him and take the emotional neglect so i can b with my baby and go to school. Its been 5 years like this. He is 8 years younger than me. Not sure how much longer i can wait for him to grow up? Do i force such a yoing person through this responsibility. I have seen all aspects of hi immaturity? Am i expecting too much from him? Any suggestions?

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Constance - posted on 06/19/2011

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He will grow up when he is ready. Yes he has agreed to go to counseling but it you may still feel the same way you do know even if he does start to mature. Staying together just to have mommy and daddy in the same house isn't healthy for anyone involved. If you are unhappy emotionally then your babies will know no matterhow much you try to hide it. Plus I have seen both sides of parents that have split. There are 2 kinds.
1st the parents that stayed together until they hated each other. Fight on he phone, fight at special occasions, and ight if their children should go to Harvard or Yale. Children pray everytime they know their parents will be within yelling distance of each other tat they won't be embarrassed again.
2nd type: Parents that realize they can'tfix their issues. they seperate peacefully,and coparent together. Have healthy conversations and make decisions based on what it right for their children. Children in this situation just say yeah my parents aren't together but they are friends still.

It is your relationship but don't do it to keep a 2 parent household. Do it because it makes you happy and it will help them to stay happy.

Bobbie - posted on 06/21/2011

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Hey Dawn, I haven't read the replies to your question so this may be a repeat. He has faults, yes, but he supports both you and your baby or you wouldn't be able to stay home. If you are seriously having second thoughts about staying with him I suggest your decision be made by first clearing you mind of his faults so you can think clearly about what you have, what you want, and what you are ready to change in your life. I strongly suspect that his lack of emotions comes from shutting down because he just feels he can't say the right thing anyway or doesn't know what will set you off. For an example, just to explain how we react as people, lets say you make a great new friend and you listen to her, comfort her though she seems to ask a million questions and gets all emotional. Your first response would be to comfort her. But if she repeated her issues to you and didn't know how to help her you would soon avoid comforting her because you know that it doesn't make a difference. You start to feel helpless, guilty that you don't know how to make her feel better. You try talking to her and she doesn't like what you say, or your facial expression when you say it, or the way you cross your arms and you begin to think you just can't do anything right for her so why try. This becomes so draining of an ordeal for you that you start to under react or try not to react at all to keep her from getting more upset.



You have been home a long time. Staying home is more difficult on your self esteem than you realize. It is isolation that makes you expect more from your partner since they get to interact with people all day and you have been home. But the problem is they can feel like "give me a break and let me relax, I have had to interact with people all day". A little understanding goes a long way. So does a little walk in their shoes. Maybe try a little part time job that allows your daughter to have play time and your job to pay for her daycare just two or three days a week. Maybe even allow him to have time alone with her for a few hours in the evening where he can be with her and you can be the one to hit the job scene.

Good Luck and remember, you and only you are responsible for your happiness. It isn't his job.

Laurie - posted on 06/19/2011

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Dawn, I was in your shoes but worse. I had two children with this man. I caught him cheating on me when I was 8 months pregnant with my first and gave him another chance because I didnt want to be a single mother (even though we never legally married). 3 years later here comes baby two. He couldnt keep a job, stole my mortgage money for drugs and was taking other women out at night while I sat home with the kids. Did I mention I was also raising HIS 7 year old son from another woman?!? When he got arrested in our driveway while the kids were watching through the window of the house, I had finally had it. Throw his ass out!!! It was scary, and I tried to stay with him for the kids, but I was misrable. It definitely gets better! And the kids will feel better in the long run. Everyone will have to adjust but once you do, life is so much better for all. Good Luck

Nicole - posted on 06/19/2011

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Have u ever heard the saying "If mama isn't happy, the whole family isn't happy"? U need to take care of yourself more instead of worrying about him. Your child would probably benefit from daycare. Only take care of the child that came from your body & leave that grown "child" alone so he can grow up!

Priscilla - posted on 06/23/2011

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It is never a good idea to stay in a relationship because of the child. You need to leave because of the child. You do not want him to get the wrong impression of what a relationship between mother and father should be. Children pattern after thier parents...its what they see. You do not want your child growing up treating a woman the same way his father treated you.Trust me I know!!

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Stifler's - posted on 07/28/2011

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You will just end up depressed and lonely if you are feeling this way now.

Krystal - posted on 07/28/2011

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You can't expect or force anyone to grow up, they need to do it because THEY want to. I tried staying with my baby's father for our daughter so she would have both her parents in her life, but it just didn't work that way. I think that you need to just move on with your life and find a guy who wants to be the man you and your baby need. You don't need a lazy, emotionless guy in your life...it will only hurt you and your baby. I hope you find happiness :)

Jamie - posted on 07/14/2011

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You know what DAWN, I'm in the same boat! I have been married for 4 years now to my asshole husband, and I have been waiting to call it quits for almost 2 years now but I try my best to my it work for my two kids. I want to give them the life I never had but I don't know who much I can handle anymore. He works and goes to school full time, so he is never home to help out with the kids and when he is home he doesn't do anything besides watch tv! I have been a stay at home mom for almost 4 years now with no car so I go lil crazy here. Even when the kidz were babies he never help out, no in the middle of the night, no diaper changes, even help feed them and now the kids are so use to me doing ever thing for them that don't want daddy to do anything for them.He is super lazy too. He is 35 years old and I'm 25 years old so I really don't think your boyfriend is going to grow up, sorry:( But you guys aren't married so its easier for you to walk way but befour you do that try everything you can for your daughter.Try the counseling it might work for you guys. You never know until you try it. I don't think I help you ever much but know you know your no alone......Good Luck with everything!

User - posted on 06/22/2011

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I've been there w/ 2 kids and after a 1.5 yr separation we're working through it. You can only create the life you want and he will either respond in a way you find appealing or he won't. Only he can change himself. Most important is to take care of yourself so you can be there for your child. Kids know and if Mama ain't happy, no one is happy. Males tend to react not act. If he's "lazy" there something that he's not getting out of the relationship to inspire him to react and do something. If you love him, you need to find out what his currency is and use that as a reward when he reacts in the way that pleases you. If you're exhausted, there maybe a lot of stuff that he can take on but doesn't do as good as you and men hate to fail so he rather not do it then do it and fail. I accept now how he does things even if it's not how I would do it or how I think it's right--but it's done. I do it my way when he's not around. I also think more about myself and take less crap from him meaning I hold myself to a higher standard and he can either rise up or step aside. I keep my head, heart and feet where they are every day not dwelling in past and not daydreaming about the future. If you're serious about parting, I'd recommend two books BEFORE you make any changes:
Spiritual Divorce - Catalyst for an Extra Ordinary Life by Debbie Ford
The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle

Good Luck!

Sam - posted on 06/22/2011

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It is better to come from a broken home than to live in a broken home. I read that once and it stuck with me. Kids are very perceptive, they pick up on tension and a lot of other things as well. If you are not in love with him anymore then leave. People aren't really doing their kids any favors by staying with someone just for the kids. It's tough choice either way. Good luck!

Val - posted on 06/22/2011

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dump d blasted lil boy an move on in life many children grow up without dads an became men an women an sombody thth is happy and achieve things in life

Dodie - posted on 06/22/2011

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My parents had a Very Difficult time raising 6 children that were born within a 6 year time span, including identical twins! Then, just as the youngest started school & my Mum turned 40, she discovered she was pregnant again! With Me!! Do I remember the fighting? Sure. Do I remember the beating a few of us took the few times Dad drank? Sure. Do I remember walking in on them when I was 12 & they were having roudy sex? Oh Yeah!! Do I remember, when I was 18, coming home from a date & finding my parents--then 30 years!--holding hands watching a sappy movie? OH YEAH!!!
My Dad worked for the railroad & was just about to become an engineer when WWII broke out. So, off he went. When the war was over, he stayed with the service until after the Korean War was over. Then, one night at a Fitter's Club--Navy Club--a woman came & sat on his lap. He asked her to, please, get off. She didn't, so he dumped her on the floor! (Tramp!!!!!!!...Grrr...) He went into work the next day & turned in his uniform because he realized he might have been close to cheating on my Mum!! That was when he found out he was coloured blind. I'm not sure how he got into the Service that way, but he did!) So he went from earning a really good wage to earning 26.50 per week with 9 mouths to feed!!
They had moved out to the Country & so we always had a big garden & chickens & there was a Dairy Farm up the road, where a Big Furniture Store is now. So, my Father bartered for milk & meat for his Family with veggies from our Garden & eggs & meat from the Chicken coop. There is a picture of all us kids in the summer, barefoot with overalls on the boys & hand-me-down dresses on us girls. We never went hungry & My Parents--TOGETHER--taught me what REAL LOVE & COMMITMENT MEANS!! It means that BOTH PARTNERS SUPPORT EACH OTHER THROUGH THE HARD & THE BAD TIMES!!!
There's a lot more to their story that my Dad told me a few years after our Mum was killed in the middle of a Sunday afternoon drive to a Family picnic. The driver of the other car was drunk & took away my Dad's Love-of-his-Life! I was only 18--& you don't realize how young that is until you're left by a parent that you love with all your heart!!
So, yes, Ladies, it does take two parents to raise children!! It's just that we're all so selfish today that we think we are owed something just for being alive & women!! Well, we're not! Nor are our Husbands!! However, if we see BOTH SIDES--which, usually we don't:( Not even our own, unfortunately:(--of a relationship it becomes much easier to see that both people in a Marital State have a story to tell. If they would only tell it to one another, even if they feel the need to use a councillor as a mediator, there would be way more Marriages that last & way more happy children who want to get married because they see it as a viable way to raise their chidlren!!
(I do get on a tirade, don't I?:(
So, God Bless the Parents that stay together through thick & thin, to raise their chidlren as it was intended to be done, in a Two-Parent Household!!...Dodie/Nana

Jennifer - posted on 06/21/2011

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As the (now grown) child of parents who stayed together "for the kids" I would recommend against it. My parents had four children in 6 years, and one more when I was 10. They fought frequently, and even when they weren't fighting there was stress and strain in the air. We knew our mother wasn't happy and we knew our father was miserable. I think that unless there is a true love and respect that is mutual, you can't be really happy.And your baby will sense that, even if you never fight or argue in front of her. My parents finally divorced 2 years ago, and we're all much happier now.

Dodie - posted on 06/21/2011

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It's so easy to say "men aren't programmed that way" or "women just aren't like that". If you had to counsel Families, both broken & not, you would realize that anyone can change with the proper motivation, Mind you, I'm not saying it's easy, just that it's possible. Having said that, though, it isn't any easier for a woman to change than it is for a man. Are men & women different both physically & psychologically? Of course they are. Are they both capable of strong commitment to something they believe in? Of course they are. Are they both capable of being cruel, often without realizing it? Definately. So, before anyone else gives Dawn any more advice on breaking up her relationship with the Father of her Child, just stop & think about what she said. I know I am repeating myself here, but she has just had a child--any of you ever suffer from PPD? It's a real killer of relationships, even if it doesn't last a lifetime!!--she is tired--she just gave birth & is learning to care for her Offspring. He is not giving her what she "needs"--I'd be more likely to say "wants", but...--He is lazy around the house. On the other hand, he is working at least 40-50 hours per week to give her a roof over her head, food on the table, internet, probably cable TV. So, they are both tired for different reasons, only he is most likely more tired because, if their infant is running true to form, he as well as she is being awakened in the middle of the night by her cries!! Dawn can nap while the baby is sleeping. Her Husband doesn't get that luxury. So, come on, Ladies, give both of them a break. She already stated that he was ready to go for counseling! How many of you really believe that your Husband would take part in that, never mind that it was Dawn's Husband's idea!!! So, why are so many of you trying to split up what sounds like a Very Easily Fixed Union?
Who is responsible for your happiness? Your parents? Your Friends? Other Family Members? Your Spouse? Your Children? No. No. No. No. &, finally NO!!!! We are all so busy worrying about whether or not we are happy & getting way WE THINK WE NEED out of life, that we fail dismally in our half of our Partnership with our Spouses! And, believe me when I say this, that women can be worse, & quite often are, than their Spouses! We live in a World that tells us, through the media, that we DESERVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING WE DESIRE!! OK, where does that come up in the Charter of Rights & Freedoms? Get with the Program here! It's not always about You, or You, or You, or even Me...chuckle!! Sometimes it has to be about your Other Half!
It is so easy to say "...when I got married the second time...blah, blah, blah!" because most often, especially if you wait until your children are grown, there is no disruption of that wonderful euphoric experience of just "being a couple"! The stress of raising children quite often puts the needs of the Parents, regarding their own relationship, on hold. It takes special people, who understand what I mean when I say "Everyday Love"!
Recently, an old & dear Friend of mine lost her Husband of 59 1/2 years!! She said it was the Little Things that he missed, like him taking out the garbage, or not having to bring home his supper from the Church Hall where she worked on preparing a Parish Get Together! It wasn't the Candle-lit Dinners or the Romantic Love that she missed! It was the "Everyday Love" that we have while our Children are growing up & that gives us the staying power to go the distance! So, don't be selfish &/or self-righteous, Ladies!! And Dawn, when your Husband comes home tonight, try asking him how he feels about your relationship? I didn't believe my Husband for years that he was happy with ours! I do now! I understand, finally, at 59, what "Everyday Love" means. Does that mean he gets away with not taking me out once & awhile? Of course not!!...*chuckle!! What it does mean that, in between the "outings", we try our best to make the other person happy!! That's what Marriage & Children are all about, Folks!! Not whining about what you "need"!! So, stop complaining & start listening! The Good Lord fashioned us with TWO EARS, but only ONE MOUTH!! Do you think that's just coincidental?
This coming from the Computer of the Never-to-be-Humble Dodie/Nana!!! (Smile! It makes him wonder what you've been up to all day!!)

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My husband stayed with his first wife until their kids were grown, for the kids, and he said he was absolutely miserable. He said he hadnt felt like he was actually alive in years!! I think there has to be happiness in a home..... what is a home without happiness......the child will be happier if you are happier!! I would say in the long run, its not worth it..... and if he isn't cheating, he will be. He won't sit around and be miserable........ men aren't programmed that way, I truly believe that!!

Meg - posted on 06/21/2011

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Please go to counseling, even if he does not. You can get the support you need to do what is right for you and your child. The quality of the household relationship will be felt by your child. If it is unhappy, you sound unhappy, so will your child be happy? Whether he is younger or older than you, he will grow up when he is ready. Who knows how long that can take. Keep the focus on improving your life and your child.

Dodie - posted on 06/21/2011

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Vanessa, you are surely right about one thing. Not just Dawn, but most people do not see themselves or others for what they are! Also, we are all Children of God. Only time will tell whether any of us live up to that part of ourselves! As well having children & raising them takes two parents to produce a well-rounded adult who will know the value of being honest with one's self & being loyal to the person who is your Partner. Let's get off this pity pot of "it's all his/her fault!" business, & get on with the task of making a Family for the Beautiful Child you & your Partner have created!
God Bless...Dodie/Nana

Vanessa - posted on 06/21/2011

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You are not seeing who you really are. I am not sure if you are a Christian, and I am not going to give you a sermon, but someone who is commited to you and to a life together with you will do what it takes to change himself to be a better man, spiritually, financially and emotionally. You should not give of yourself so freely. You are very special, a child of the Almighty and once you accept that, your love, time and effort should belong to someone who deserves it. You can go to school with a little one. You just need to make the commitmment to better your life and your child's. They will see your hardwork and effort and be inspired. Don't be afraid and don't use a man as a crutch, they will resent it. Learn to see yourself for who you are and move forward.. We cannot change others only ourselves.

Michele - posted on 06/21/2011

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for me it didn't the kids where happy but not me, it got harder and harder, in the end we seperated, he no longer bothers with his duaghter. If he han't grown up buy now he never will, not trying to sound rude but he' a boy in a mans body

Cynthia - posted on 06/21/2011

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Well, I'm no expert. And this is a hard decision when you are hurting, Dawn. And I'm not saying children are automatically doomed to failure if they're parents don't stay together. But outside of what I have read in the Bible about God's desire for us to stay together and raise kids together, check out some of this advice from people who are maybe a bit more neutral and have looked at thousands of situations: Dr. Joshua Coleman, psychologist and author: "Contrary to the wisdom of pop psychology, it is not essential to your or your children's well-being for you to have a great marriage." Dr. Coleman counsels that imperfect harmony in a home allows each parent to love and care for the children full-time. Dr. Joshua Coleman, psychologist and author: "If you are in a low-conflict marriage, the idea of a good divorce is really very misleading. It makes you think that, so long as you divorce the right way, your children will be fine. It's simply not true."Elizabeth Marquardt, author.

Dodie - posted on 06/21/2011

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Oops! Sorry Cynthia! I called you Valerie!! Not that your not a nice person, too, Valerie! It's just that I meant to comment on Cynthia's posting:( Oh, well...*sigh...there goes my little pea brain again!!

Dodie - posted on 06/21/2011

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Way to go, Valerie!! I believe in what you said about children never seeing someone strive for something they believe in!! You really don't know how a separation/divorce affects your "children" until they are out there, finding someone to share their life with, or just out there popping from bed to bed, &/or having children. Then you see how your children are faring & what one-parent family-raised children are doing with their lives & their relationships!
God Bless...Dodie/Nana

Pauline - posted on 06/21/2011

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no i stayed for 16 years with a man for my kids and we were all happier wen i left

Talania - posted on 06/21/2011

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At one point, many marriages stayed together for the children, divorce was an extremely taboo subject. The problem with that is the children do pick up that the family isn't happy and this brings a lot of stress and tension within the family dynamics. This can lead to depression, lashing out, withdrawing, anger, emotional tornadoes that without treatment and serious counseling can lead to some very drastic outcomes. Sometimes, the best thing for the children is to separate and yet give support and love from both sides to the child so they realize that they are not the cause of the divorce and that the parents just were not able to be the most loving parents to their child/ren they could be while living in the same house.
The most important thing for any family is for there to be love and happiness within the walls of the domain and with those missing, the children will not be happy.
Try the counseling and if it works fantastic but with only one side trying and the other in the not give a darn category, it will always be doomed to failure. If you are not happy, this will lead to the children not being happy because they are more in tune and pick up more undertones than you even realize.
My parents who were very loving and giving to us children and truly loved each other and are still together after 40 years, even when they would have an argument (which they never did in front of us) we knew, there was just an undercurrent that you couldn't quite place your finger on but it was just there. So imagine how it would be for those in a house that is always stressed and full of tension.

Cynthia - posted on 06/21/2011

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That is a good point by Bobbie. My self-esteem was so low for the years when I was at home 100%, although I thank God for the opportunity and for a husband who made that possible. But we argued SO MUCH then, and I was tense. My world was SMALL, just my babies (4 in 5 years) and then the strain of living on one income. And my husband- think of the stress your boyfriend may be feeling as he provides for all of you. I am saying, your situation may be exacerbated by your own stress and the strain of life. Anxiety kills relationships. You all need some support and some counseling. We pursued counseling from several routes. We used church counseling off and on for years, which helped sustain on. We have made additional progress through professional individual and marriage counseling. We also have learned how to take better care of ourselves emotionally. I'm just saying- I'm thankful for all the people who shared their stories, of how they left relationships behind that weren't fulfilling. But for most of them, they are saying they never find anything better and some of the children whose mothers left are saying they were better off- and yet, since they never saw anyone hang in there and learn how to resolve problems in a healthy way, they grew up to repeat the same pattern. God bless you!

Dianne - posted on 06/21/2011

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You need to ask yourselves what attracted you both to each other in the first place. my husband and i went through much the same thing (in a way, we just lost our way) but we had been married 23yrs and had 4children. i no we did spend so much time focused on our children that we forgot about ourselves. it takes two to realise this and want things to change. A book that helped us find our way back is called, 'The five love languages'by Gary Chapman. i read it first and felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders as it made me understand why! we had got into the situation we had. we have now been married 30yrs this year and enjoying grandchildren tog. you see i dont think we truely fell out of love, but lost it and believe me it felt like we hated each other at times.i am also from a single parent and never given the chance to no my dad, something i have always felt bitter about. but in saying that i do believe it is better to have one happy parent than two unhappy. read the book, try hard to get him to read it, find your love languages and go from there. i wish you the best of luck, the book also quotes many couples who were on the brink of divorce and have now managed to find their way back. of course their will always still be times of grrrrr!!! but just think what you read and put into practice, both of you.

Dodie - posted on 06/21/2011

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Hey Dawn: Just a little something for you to think about: My Husband & I just celebrated our 24th Anniversary of our first meeting. We celebrate our 20th Wedding Anniversary next month. He had a terribly abusive step-mother when his father married only 9 months after his Mom had died from heart complications! His father did nothing about the abuse, nor did any of the neighbours who all knew what was going on. Finally, his Father's older Sister stepped in & she & her husband took my Husband & his Sister to live with her Family, but by then they were 15 & 16, & a lot of psychological damage had been done.
A matter of months ago, I was ready to leave him. He was argumentative & critical over the stupidest things you could imagine, even to picking apart jokes I told him! So, finally, I told him that, after all these years, I was not going to be treated that way just because of a step-mother from Hades treated him that way!
Well, he did some serious soul-searching &, what to my surprise happened? He changed! Not that he never argues with me over stupid stuff anymore, but I've changed, too! I stopped swallowing the bait, hook, line & sinker!!! So, it can happen! If your Partner & the Father of your Child is willing to go for counselling & is not abusive, but rather neglectful, he will find it much easier to change. But, always remember to look for your warts in the mirror, too...*chuckle!!
God Bless...Dodie/Nana
Hey! That was short for me!!...chuckle-chuckle!!

Klara - posted on 06/21/2011

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Hard situation I'm sure. You are really the only one who can decide how much you can take. I would just caution you to maybe take a step back and think about how all the stress you are feeling may affect your child/children. People often do not give their children enough credit in knowing there are issues with their parents no matter how hard they try to hide it. Does he want to save the relationship? Does he care? You have a child together, so now that he is a father, it is time for him to grow up. If he's not ready, he should have thought about that before he had a child. I work with 2 strong women who were both in awful, abusive relationships. Both ended up raising their children as single moms, and although they both admit it wasn't easy, both could no longer continue the way they were. A successful relationship takes both parties putting in effort. I am curious if he has changed, or if you were hoping he would when you met him? I have been married over 12 yrs., and would tell anyone that if you cannot live with someone the way they are, I would not marry them! One or both of you will always be unhappy if they have to change to please the other person. I wish you the best, but you have to do what is best for you and your child. He may never change, and can you live with that? How does it effect your child? What kind of example is he setting for your child? Whatever you decide, I wish you the best! Relationships are never easy, and always complicated, but can be well worth the work!

Dodie - posted on 06/21/2011

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Thanks, Valerie! I am not the "favoured" member of COM just now. I know I tend to be a little harsh sometimes. On the other hand, what you said was what I was trying to say in my not-so-succinct way!:( There are a lot of answers to Dawn's situation that do not apply to it. She has said nothing about being abused in any way, shape or form. All she said was that she doesn't feel "loved", & that her Husband is lazy. You just gave all of us a look-see at "Every Day Love"! No matter what the relationship, shouldn't you work at it? We all have warts! So, how about looking in the mirror & checking them out before you go picking at someone else's?
I love romance! The real stuff that happens in everyday life, like when a song comes on the radio & you & your Husband dance to it right then, right there in your kitchen/LR/wherever! It has only happened twice in my relationship of 24 years with my second Husband. My first Husband was way more romantic & loved to cook & was great with our two baby girls, BUT HE LEFT!!! Jamie isn't much on the romance side--although he has promised something special that he has planned for our 20th Wedding Anniversary next month!! He rarely lights candles or makes reservations to take me out to dinner; but he tells me several times a day that he loves me & doesn't know what he would do without me! He also throws his work clothes on the floor & is often not showered very well & can't dress himself worth crap!!...lol!! However, we live on a farm that, at the moment, can't support us. It is the "Family Farm" that he inherited from his Father, & is the 6th generation to work it. So, he works all day & then comes home & works for several more hours! He spend 10 months out of the year, while "our" Girls were growing up working as a Carpenter building houses with a couple of other guys. He worked 12 hour days to make enough money so I could stay home with our Daughters! Was he annoying? Often. Did he help me at home? Hardly ever! Did he put up with my PMS? Most of the time.
Do we always like each other? Not hardly!! Do we always Love each other in our every day life together? Certainly! So, always look at the "whole" picture before you walk away from any relationship that does not have any of the abuses I listed in my last post!! If you had a child with him, there has to be something good about the man, Ladies! Either that, or you were stupid enough to have sex with him without taking the time to get to know whether he was a good match for you, BEFORE you got pregnant! Having sex with a man is one thing. Not at least using protection until you know whether he is Husband AND Father material is another thing altogether! It doesn't take a mature person to have sex, get pregnant & have a child! It does take a great deal of maturity to make it work with that Child's Father/Mother! So, Ladies, my answer is a definate "YES!!!!" Children are the most important resource of our Culture & Society! They are our Planet's Future! They deserve to have two Parents in a stable environment!
AND...I've done it again! Man do I get Wordy!! Anyway, you get the message, & thanks, again, Valerie, for your vote of confidence!!!...God Bless, Ladies...Dodie/Nana

Jaimee - posted on 06/20/2011

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You need to put yourself first instead of him...I was in a relationship with my kids' dad on and off for 13 yrs for the children...I am in a new relationship and wish I had just stayed away from him years ago...I was not happy. There are other reasons I was not happy with him. I thought staying with him was better for the kids, but in the end, it is not good at all. If he has not grown up yet, he won't. He will never change. I have found that out in my relationship. You need to show your child happiness...Do you want your child to grow up and have them kind of relationships?

Janice - posted on 06/20/2011

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get rid of him and get on with your life with your baby. you are not doing the baby any good exposing it to all that negativity. better things happening for you and your baby right around the corner. been there/ done that

Dionne - posted on 06/20/2011

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I am jealous of the women who have great marriages and who have been able to work out the tough times. I can only dream of a relationship like that. And after this last incident that I have been through I don't even dream of that anymore. It sounds like Dawn you need to figure out if you are being abused or if the man is just lazy and that causes him to look neglectful. It took me 19 years to find this out and I have spent the last 2+ years trying to build my self esteem up and figure out a plan. I already have a previous post so I won't get into details again. If you can bring yourself to get that counseling and it might take going to 3 or more (it took me 3 different counselors before one would believe me and listen to me the other 2 told me I did not know what I was talking about and to keep my mouth shut). Find out if he is abusive, then figure out if you love him, again I will repeat they don't change unless they want to change, can you accept him for how he is if he is not abusive? My kids did suffer from me not knowing about the silent abuse and they are repeating what I lived. Give it a chance but I would say don't waste your life away like I did. There is a difference between 2 people living together arguing over things and 2 people living in an abusive setting. We are not taught to look for the bad in people, we are not taught what emotional abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse is when we are in schools growing up. So by the time we are in relationships and get to have our experiences it is a little late for some of us. I mostly wanted to let the ones who have had normal relationships work out know that it must be great to be able to have a life like that. Not everyone has that and it is nice to know it exists!! See a counselor check out all the abuses people are discussing and figure out if you are able to make it work or get a plan in place. It is always best if the original parents can make it work for the kids sake.

Jennifer - posted on 06/20/2011

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I had been in the same boat as you when I married my ex husband for the sake of our baby. I was 17 and turned 18 one month later after marrying and had the baby. He never grew up; never wanted to help as he complained. Sad thing is, he was 2 yrs older than me! Til this day he has never grown up. He's behind on child support and making new vehicles and marrying his now wife his priority where as I struggle. You can co-parent apart, which is better in my opinion. I do have issues with him as in him being very vengeful when things don't go his way. His kids literally hate him after all the things he's done and doesn't see it. My kids are happier now that we are separated. My oldest had severe anger issues after we separated 6yrs after marrying. It does affect your kids negatively if you guys have issues in the relationship. As others have said, you could be waiting a long time for him to grow up, if he ever does!

Valerie - posted on 06/20/2011

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I love Dodie Casey's response!! It is wonderful hearing someone say THINK before acting. I have been married (to the same man) for almost 30 years. We don't agree on hardly anything. He is immature. Sometimes he is lazy. At times he is dirty and stinky. He doesn't clean up after himself. He throws his clothes on the floor instead of the hamper. I on the other hand am the perfect wife. I never complain. I always wait on him hand and foot. I pick up his laundry, wash his clothes and take care of our seven children. I am wonder woman.

Now would you like his opinion? He works outside the home 50-60 hours a week. He puts food on the table and clothes on our backs. He gives us a house to live in and toys to play with. And the list goes on.

He thinks I can be selfish because I don't understand why he is gone all of the time and why he doesn't answer his cell the moment I ring. He thinks I am loud and obnoxious when I don't get my way. He thinks I fret the small stuff, but I need to take life more seriously.

Ok! Do you get where I am going with this? We love each other. We are no longer in love with love, but we are now into the nitty gritty of what real love and life is. We are not always nice to each other, but yet we still love each other. He is my protector and my best friend. Ask yourself if this guy would die for you and your child. If he would then why are so much better then he is? Maybe look through his glasses and not just your own. I also don't know your religious beliefs, but I for one think it is way to easy to walk away from our problems in our relationships and should start praying for our spouses instead of throwing them out. While we are at it maybe we should pray for a little more humility and remember that we are not the perfect little princesses that we think we are. Good luck and you will be in my prayers!!

Karleen - posted on 06/20/2011

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I tried it and so not worth it I can't tell you want to do but listen to your gut it won't lead you wrong

Emily - posted on 06/20/2011

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I would leave. If your boyfriend does not have the motivation or desire to be their and help out then you can find someone better.

Leigh - posted on 06/20/2011

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Never stay together for the sake of the kids if it has completely broken down beyond repair, my parents stayed together till I was 18 an then divorced it was horrible growing up with 2 people who clearly didn't want to be together, my dad said he stayed for me and I felt aweful about this like it had all been my fault he then moved on met someone new and sadly died 7yrs later from cancer I was devasted that he hadn't left earlier and found real love sooner such a waste if you ask me, you will hopefully find someone and have a great life, never let happiness take a backseat and your child/children will benefit from you being happy and more relaxed aswell

Darlene - posted on 06/20/2011

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First off, I am sorry you are in that situation. I am from a broken home and honestly I was relieved when my parents seperated. I was tired of hearing them argue and tired of seeing my mother depressed. So, I would say no, don't stay in it for the kids. You want them to see healthy interaction. I had to seperate from my baby's father 2 years ago for the same reason, and unfortunately my son still has to see us argue sometimes due to his father's lack of maturity and communication skills. There's nothing we can do to fix them, no matter how hard we try. We can only move on and hopefully find someone better that will show our kids what a loving relationship is suppose to look like.

Tamika - posted on 06/20/2011

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Hi Dawn! There's a lot to think about here. my question to you is, is there any potential for marriage? You called him your "boyfriend". Counseling is great but if there's no potential there for marriage or if you dont see yourself in a life long relationship then I wouldn't persue (sp)it. You have to think about your happiness and your child. I was in a relationship with someone 6 yrs older than me for 7 yrs no potential of marriage and he was no mature nor responsible. Idk of your religion background but I suggest you take it. to the man upstairs and pray about it. Good luck to hun and I will keep you in prayer.

Dodie - posted on 06/20/2011

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Well, Dawn, you certainly have a variety or opinions here already!
Who I would love to hear more from are people, like myself, who work with families who are trying to make their Union a success. It is so easy for all of us to give you our idea from our own individual experiences. However, it narrows a person's ability to give clear analysis of another's dilemma. So, how about all you ladies out there who work with Families & children who's parents are either trying to "get it together" for them, or who's parents have abandoned their Union Vows because they just were too selfish to see the needs of the Child/children that they, with God's help, have brought into this World? Let's here from some "professionals" who, like myself, have seen years of trying to help either build up a relationship, or trying to help clear away the wreckage in the aftermath of a nasty separation/divorce?
A couple of days ago, MomMegs (I think it was her?) asked for our opinion/advice/whatever about what she can do to stop her ex & his new "main squeeze" from telling her children--only 4, 6, & 8, if memory serves me correctly, which it seldom does these days:(--that she really doesn't love them & that she is not a good Mother! Why is this happening? Because her ex thought it might be fun to sleep with someone else for a change! If his new "M.S." thinks he won't cheat on her, she's nuts!! There is a saying from long, long ago that goes something like: "Kisses won't last forever like good cooking will." Many of you may not know this, but marriage in nearly every place but North America is based on what it was meant to be: PROCREATION!! The sustaining of our species. Marriage, in whatever form it comes, is a common sense way to do that in a loving & secure environment for the New Members of our Society to be raised in. Sex may be great for the first couple of years, but after that, it is only great if the two people indulging in it have made a serious commitment to one another, &, therefore, to any children that may have been begotten as a result of their union.
There are many of you out there who will crucify me on the Cross of "Individual Rights & Freedoms". Well, what about your childrens' "Rights & Freedoms"? If there is no serious abuse in the Marriage, why would you stop trying? If noone is beating on the other, noone is beating on the child/children, no illicit drugs are being brought into the Family Home by an addicted half of the Couple, no gambling is going on that takes away the food from the Family's table, WHY IS THE FIRST THOUGHT TO GET OUT & DEPRIVE YOUR CHILDREN OF WHAT THEY SO JUSTLY DESERVE!!! That being protection from the world around them, loyalty of their Parents to one another & to them, trust in the fact that their Parents will always be there, keeping them safe!! It is, in my never humble opinion, as well as what I've seen happen when a Wife & Husband Union is split in half, that it is our duty as parents to LOVE OUR CHILDREN!! They are the Helplessness ones in all of this. So, why do we keep putting them last & ourselves & our partners first? If none of the terrible behaviors I listed above are present, or even if they are & there is help out there for those who engage in them & their Families, why are people walking out of their Marriages? Why are people having children all over the place like they were puppies or kittens that can be abandoned or put down at the will of their owners? The answer is simple, Ladies: SELFISHNESS!!
So, all of you out there who have or do not yet have children, remember to put more energy & thought into picking your mate & the decision to have children with him, than you do into picking a good roast for tonight's meal!
If this sounds harsh, good!! It was meant to sound harsh! If any of you think I'm out of line, that's fine. You are all entitled to have your opinion as am I. However, before you vent about what I am saying here, read my words again, & see if you can't find at least a glimmer of truth in what I have written! Try to remember that children do better when there are TWO PARENTS in their Family Home together. Love is Great, but it isn't caused by pheramones! It is brought about between two people who understand the real value of the sanctity of a relationship between a Woman & a Man when they come together to create New Life! Look around you before you condemn what I have said here & realize that, once again, Humans have thrown the Baby out with the bathwater!
Th-th-th-that's all, Folks!!...Dodie/Nana/Family Councillor

Nicole - posted on 06/20/2011

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That is good I just want everyone to know that we all have choices in life and I'm happy that it worked out for you . I tried and stayed 16 yrs to many because I loved him but that is not love nor was I setting a good example for my wonderful kids . I am a strong woman and so are my kids we all come with flows but that's the beauty of life lol . I respect our choice lucky for you it worked out . I stay positive I surround myself around positive people because that is who I am . I even realized after seeking help with a professional that it was time to finally ask my ex to leave . I did everything but at the end of the day my children and I were miserable and my children thanked me for leaving . Peace to all ...xo

Cynthia - posted on 06/20/2011

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I agree with Nicole, if you are being abused and are your life is at risk, than GET OUT and get some help before you try to reconcile! I am so glad things have worked out well for your children, Nicole. I definitely don't have all the answers, I just know what I've seen over and over and over again, and what the research has revealed now that we've had time to examine the outcomes of a generation of children whose parents didn't believe in staying together for the well-being kids. But only God knows everything- LOL! I think we can all agree He designed us to have a mother and a father, ideally, it takes two. When we can give our children both, it is the best thing we can offer them. But sometimes it is out of our control and I don't judge anyone for that. If you have a choice, if you have someone willing to work with you, then do everything you can to make it work. That's all I'm saying.

Nicole - posted on 06/20/2011

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I am gonna say this my children thrive better without there dad and were very happy that I did not stay .They are grown up and my oldest is 24 years old and has a wonderful job even decided to study again ,has a wonderful girl friend ,my daughter is 20 and is studying and is such a good girl then my youngest who is 16 and doing well normal teenager who has gone through things .They did better without dad . Fathers can be present in the children's life no matter weather the person is with the father or not .Your not suppose to stay in something if you are being abused so just Because you are a social worker does not mean you have all the answers . You my dear have to make that decision yourself be happy ,I to have worked with kids and I have been around take the time to see whats best and the bottom line is you have to be happy before you can make anyone else happy . Do whats best for you and you will find the answer .Just remember never no matter what let a man abuse you mentally or physically .... God Bless xoxoxo

Christina - posted on 06/20/2011

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I can tell you I have tried both ways. I have two sons 17 and 16. I separated from their father and divorced when they were younger. As a mom, I CAN NEVER TEACH MY BOYS TO BE MEN. I thought I could, but God designed us differently. I later ended up in a long term relationship and I stayed because of the kids. This did not work either. He had cheated, and I could not get over it. A relationship is between two people. After God, the relationship comes next, then the kids. I say this now in hind sight, because kids need both parents in their lives, in a healthy situation. The kids will know it is is not right. Do you truly love this man? Does he love you? If so, then work on it, and the environment will change for the kids. If not, keep the relationship at least civil for the kids. You two will interact for the rest of your lives. I am grateful that now, I can have the boys dad, step mom, and my ex, their step dad all together with us at the house and it is about the boys. Their step-mom is one of my best friends and has made such a difference. However it turns out, you will set a foundation of how your kids will see relationships as when they grow up.

Cynthia - posted on 06/20/2011

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This sounds like a very frustrating situation and I am so sorry you are going through this. I am looking at this as a social worker who has worked with hundreds of kids, as a mother of four myself, and as someone who recently celebrated 14 years of marriage, even though many people would have said we wouldn't make it because we have had so many problems getting along. It's amazing, but if you do the research, you find out that kids really don't do as well when their parents separate. I couldn't believe it. But I see it everyday in my field. Children do better when two parents stay together, even if they don't get along, but at least one of them is working to improve themselves and their marriage. More than anything, I would say if a man is willing to go to counseling (most are not) than they are open to change. And I would atleast stay long enough to go through counseling. It has taken years of counseling for us to get to where we are today, but when I look at my four happy kids, and the fact that they were with their father, who lives IN the home, on Father's Day- I can tell you it was worth every, single tear. People want an easy fix, an easy out- but the grass is not greener elsewhere, believe me. You mentioned he is a little immature, but I didn't see anything about him being a habitual cheater, beating your or your kids, or being a dangerous drug addict, etc. Sounds like you might want to try and see how much better things can get for you. I'll be praying for you guys!!

[deleted account]

How old is ur child? My mom stayed with my dad while she went to school and as soin as she got her masters she split and took my sisters with her. I was of age to decide where I went and I went with other family members, basically going off on my own (i was 14) because my family really didnt care what happened to me. I am now in a similar situation with my husband but I already went throught school. I am biding time until I hit the point in my career when I can afford it on my own. I have one child and refuse to get pregnant again for fear of neding to stay woth my husband any longer than needed. Bottom line is I think if my mom had done it differently or left my dad earlier, maybe I would have not fallen into this pattern..i was already set and my sisters were soo young that they are doing great for themselves. Dont do that to your child..make sure u fix it before its too late. Kids can feel ur stress and unfortunately I am doing the same thing, but, my son wont know because he is only three. This era in his life will be forgotten and hopefully he will turn out to be a wonderful man.

Nicole - posted on 06/20/2011

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Hello,
I do understand what your going through I was married for 16 yrs and staying with a man because of your children is not the answer at all .I always say I would rather be sad alone then be sad with a man . You have to take care of yourself first in order to take care of anyone else .You are important and your child are important.If he really gives a damn about anything he would do something about it. .Truth is you probably should move on no matter how difficult .I left my husband and I had 3 kids and it was not easy but what is in life and it was the best thing I ever did in my life . He still is the same person after all these years you can''t wait for him to change my dear you have to change for yourself and your children . Life is short take it from me loosing a brother and my mother to cancer and having my battles with illness ,never wait do something about it and you will see life is beautiful ..Be happy m love make a change and things will fall in place ...Good Luck !!! xo

Diana - posted on 06/20/2011

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Your child(ren) set their future relationships by your example. It doesn't hurt to try to make things better; but I believe it's better to have a strong, productive, 1 parent, than 1 lazy, and a perpetual "teenager" and the other in constant struggle with them. Just keep this rule in mind: Would you want your child to live this way if it were him or her? You have to at some point put your child (and you) first.

There's NOTHING wrong with a daycare. Find a great one! Learn about their daily activities…what they teach, where they stand…does that facility match what you want your child to learn, do they teach what you believe, reinforce your values, morals, etc. If not, move onto the next one. They are out there. Kids will learn how to interact, share, settle disputes, etc., and most often are ready for kindergarten by the time they get there compared to their counterparts who just are plopped infront of a TV of left to do what they want. Kids learn the most between ages 2 and 6...they are little sponges. The more you can or get them ready for school...the better they will be once they get there and they'll develop their love of learning and curiosity the earlier you get them started.

Hugs! Trust your gut!

Joanna - posted on 06/20/2011

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I had that same issue with Nathan's father. (We have his, mine and our now). Only he over 30 years old. Something I did learn is that you can't force anything. I have seen young men jump up and take responsibility. Try counseling. But for your and your child's sake, lay down some ground rules first. Either he participates in the counceling or you both will leave AND either things change or you both will leave. He needs to step up and be a man and a father and a husband figure. That is why I left. I hated puting Nathan in daycare, but I found a really good with with a ciriculum and it ended up being one of the best things for him. He ended up doing very well. He is now in advanced math and fast track reading and going into the 6th grade a year ahead of time. I'm very proud of him. I'm now with a man that is truly a father figure and husband. It has taken HIS father all this time to step up and be more fatherly to him. He is just now the father figure Nathan has always wanted. I wish you the best. Don't sacrifice! Life is too short!

Dodie - posted on 06/20/2011

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Hi Dawn: Sounds like you are having a really hard time there. So, first, let me congratulate you on being a stay-at-home Mom!! Most women these days seem more interested in THEIR needs over that of their children! Also, kudos for asking your question on Circle of Moms! It's difficult to come into an open forum, read all the responses--some of which would not be very helpful, & some downright upsetting!--& decide what you need to do for your Family's sake, especially that of your Daughter!
It is not a great idea to have a child in Day Care. It is a far better thing to have one or the other of the parents stay home. It seems like you really love being home with your little girl. That's GREAT!!
As to the problem with your Husband? If he has offered to go to councilling, congratulations to him, as well! So, MAKE THE CALL, ALREADY!!
Many people, of what I'm seeming to hear in your age group, really think that counselling is not helpful. Usually, though, I have found that's because a lot of people don't want to admit that they have any responsibility for the problems in their relationships. Think about it, though, for a minute. Isn't there TWO PEOPLE in any relationship? That means it will take TWO PEOPLE to make or break any relationship. Right? So, find a good councilor & both of you talk openly about what you each see as the major problem areas of your relationship & what are the positive ones! I think you will be amazed at the fact that there are more positive things to find than negative! And, YES, you both owe it to your Daughter to try, & try, & try, again!! So, bite the bullet & make the call!
God Bless...Dodie/Nana

Judy - posted on 06/20/2011

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Dawn, People, who hate each other stay together for years for all kinds of reasosns. But, did you tell your boyfriend that you will leave if he doesn't make changes? If you haven't you might wanna do that with the help of the threapist. If he still doesn't wanna make the changes necessary to sustain the relationship and you really can't stand it any more, its time for you to begin the process of disengegament. Unless he is getting physical, there's no need to leave in the midst of a drama. Life as a single mom is really tought. So, if you really really wanna leave, you should start to make the arrangement you will need to live life as a single mom. First, you need to get your financials in order. Be sure that you have enough money to support yourself and your baby. This may include filing for child support (this may involve an attourney) or benifits such as TANIF, WIC and Food Stamps. Many states also offer help women who want to return to school with funding for childcare, but you may need to already be enrolled in school to get that. Then, you need to be sure you have a safe and stable place to stay and reliable transportation, either public or a car. Housing could be anything from your mom's to your own place, if you can afford it, to a public housing to a shelter. If available, I recommend public transportation, but its availablity will depend on where you live. I don't know your financial situation, so you'll have to decide all that yourself. Next, you need to find a safe stable place for you baby to saty while your at work and or school as you may need to be donig both to make end meet. Again, this will depend on your financials, but typically, full-time child care will cost between 200-300/week. Usually, I say 250. If that's a lot for you, ask about scholarships or benifits. Look for a place with a low staff turn-over rate, small child to caregiver ratio, a set cirriculum and NO TV.
Finally, be sure you have a strong and supportive social network, family and friends who are willing to love and support you emotionally (are willing to listen without judging) and phsically (can babysit in an emergency) at least until you child starts school. You might even consider joining a faith community for added support. Many even have support groups for single moms.
Then, you have to decide if you plan to work, go to school or do both. If you feel safe enough, and plan to return to school, you might even want to take a semester of classes before you leave to be sure you have chosen the right course of study for you.
Finally, stay out of other relationships while you are implimenting your plan. Focus on your relationship between you and your child. Go to therapy and try to figure out why you picked an emotionally unavailble man before you fall into a relationship with another.
If this sounds like a lot to do, it is. But, having a plan may help you feel more in control of your situation and reduce your emotional distress. And if this sounds like too much, and you decide to continue to work it out with your man, that's ok too, If anyone trys to judge you, show um this post.
I hope this helps.

Louise Joy - posted on 06/20/2011

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Sad to know the age difference bet. you and your boyfriend.But it's not a hindrance anyway especially you have a baby to take care.I guess something wrong with him whom really needs counseling for him to understand his present situation. Now a days, its very hard to raise a child with one parent working and without any financial help from a partner.Maybe his not ready yet with this kind of relationship with you and you should be ready anytime from now to take whatever be the consequences.Both of you must listen to each other's opinion, better state your needs and if possible,settle down things and accept both reasons no matter how hard it will be. The child will always be the 1st and the last to be affected with parents that neglect her/him to understand the situation. Try to explain it to the child, the earlier the better.

Dianhery - posted on 06/20/2011

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Hi Dawn:
In my opinion u r expecting a change that u want but suits not talk about what he wants. When w get into this kindof relationship we r trying to create our perfect prince when in reality this other person is another thinking human being that has his own brain n think independently. Communication goes both ways n if u r trying to change him is cuz u really r not interested in him or love him for himself. You r fouling yourself n nobody else. Nobody changes for nobody. U said he's lazy, but still want to stay w him to go to skul? How r u both gonna survive w a kid? The only way ur relationship can work is if u r the submissive kind like our gr8 grandmas who had to stay w their man no matter what, n accept he's not gonna change just cuz u want him 2 (sorry 2 say). Get out n choose what u want b4 marrying him our moving with him expecting him to change.that's an unreal thinking of us women, n a mistake that most of us commit in the name of LOVE, which is rally teenager thinking n not love. real love accepts the other person as is, don't try to change it.real love helps independence n growth to live a life together. Think of what u want n match it w what he wants, that will tell u what to do n if its worth it. Its ur future,n it depends in ur decisions...

Agnes - posted on 06/20/2011

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my dear, i was in a relationship with my baby daddy that was draining me, he loved us a lot but was just too imaatue though older than me, i tried sweettalkin, tough talking,evethin, eventually yuo will realise that u cant change him only he can change himself at his own time, u shouldnt take crap while waiting for him eto grow, ur baby needs a wholesome, emotionaly stable mom in order to grow up a wholesome person, its not as hard as it seems trying it on your own.n believe me ul be happier for it.

Pauline - posted on 06/19/2011

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leave him you are his crutch you and child will be ok probably better of without him

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