do you ever feel bad when your hubby helps around the house?

Mandy - posted on 03/23/2010 ( 136 moms have responded )

88

21

3

My husband is really great about helping with housework and sometimes I totally feel bad because I'm a S@HM and taking care of the house is part of my job. I have to admit, I love the help because I'm not exactly the best housekeeper....and like anyone else I don't like to clean so its nice that he helps out but it makes me feel really guilty. Does anyone else feel like this?

This conversation has been closed to further comments

136 Comments

View replies by

Heidi - posted on 03/27/2010

1

12

0

I understand the feelings you have about your husband helping. I am constantly reminding myself that it is a wonderful thing that my husband helps me so much. It is something I've had to and continue to work on. When I was growing up my mom did the house work and kids stuff. My dad did the go to work and car stuff. Job description/responsibility was clear and never crossed over. A part of me feels I am letting my family down if he helps with the house but the fact is I am not letting them down. My husband and I help each other and that is how it is supposed to be. He is only helping you because he loves you and his family and THAT IS WONDERFUL.

Kristen - posted on 03/27/2010

13

103

0

I'm a stay at home home too with 3 kids ages 7,4, and 2. My husband has always been the only one to work outside of the house and works (at least) 10 hour days. I also feel bad (at times) when he helps on his days off and especially when he comes home and starts to clean up after he just worked 10+ hours. Don't get me wrong...I do think husbands should help out and just because house work is in my "job description" we do deserve help and it is nice to get it. BUT even though I feel bad that he works so much and shouldn't have to come home and work here too my biggest issue with him cleaning makes me feel like I'm not doing a good job at my "job". I guess that overall if you have a husband that will help out is awesome because a lot of men think they don't need to do a thing at home and their wife is responsible for EVERYTHING as far as cleaning...those men drive me crazy!

Katie - posted on 03/27/2010

21

105

1

i would love it if my bf helped around the house and with the baby. but hes hardly home to do it. and no its not because of work either. just that little bit of extra hands go a long way when u have a 3 week old.

Jennifer - posted on 03/27/2010

49

20

7

Oh...... I never feel guilty if my hubby helps around the house. In fact I quite annoyed when he doesn't, I would like him to do a lttle more actually....LOL!

If my husband did not occasionally help out I would go MAD! I have been a stay at home mum for 8 years and we have 4 children 8,5,4 and 2.



The mountains of washing, dishes, mess, cleaning...........all the meals I cook, the sweeping and mopping and shopping and nappy changing, school pick-ups, drop offs, helping with home work, trying my hardest to spend time playing, cuddling, reading,teaching each individual child from the moment they wake up until they go to bed.



Although I feel I never have my mind or my body to myself......I would not change a thing.

I love what I have chosen to do but my husband was part of this choice too.....Damn Straight he should help out, they all should....LOL:)

Heidi - posted on 03/27/2010

9

0

0

Absolutely. I have a fabulous husband who I think does more than his fair share. I have to say I'm lucky if I do any housework at all when I'm taking care of the kids, I'm lucky to keep them entertained, fed and reasonably clean. I feel bad that the chores seem to be piling up in my husband's direction. The last few months he's started cleaning the kitchen after we put the kids to bed, he always takes out the trash, does the laundry about half the time, all the outdoor related things....I feel a bit lazy, but still overwhelmed with taking care of my 3 year old and 1 year old. I feel like I should be able to juggle more, but I don't. So, I totally sympathize.

Tracy - posted on 03/26/2010

11

15

2

I don't feel bad at all when my fiancee actually does help. He owns his own construction comp. and I know he works hard. We will get into arguments because He doesn't help me as much as I would like him to. I don't ask him to clean the house or do the cooking, just to watch our son while I clean or do the cooking. He says he needs his "down time". what about my down time? My down time is at night when he is sleeping which means I don't get very much sleep. I'm a stay at home mom but I also go to school, pregnant, and taking care of everything. Now there is more on my plate now that we are selling our house. I swear, I'm about to lose it sometimes.

Tracy - posted on 03/26/2010

11

15

2

Jenna, Your boyfriend is right. You are doing a really hard job taking car of your children and going to school. I know how hard it is. I only have one kid and one on the way and I'm going to school. That there is a job in it's self. And with being pregnant My emotions are up and down. I don't feel like getting out of bed at times either. I'm glad to have my fiancee's help. You and your boyfriend love each other and helping each other out is what you do when you love each other. Good luck on getting your bach. And god blesses us mothers.

Jenna - posted on 03/26/2010

7

8

0

I do feel major guilty when my boyfriend helps out around the house. I suffer from depression and I'm starting to have more bad days than good. He is really great at helping out and I never have to ask him to do anything, but I do hear mumbles under his breath sometimes about certain things not beign done already, but he doesnt say it to my face. The thing I feel the most guilty about is that my kdis arent even his kids and he still does it all for us. So during a bad (depressing) day and he comes home after an 11 hour work day and cleans the house, yes I feel guilty. He tells me all the time that even though I may be depressed a lot more often than not, that he is still amazed at how I can take care of both of the kids (both having autism) and still do my school work. He says hes proud of me getting my associaates and now working on my Bach, but I still feel lazy and unmotivated to even get up in the morning let alone do anything. *sigh*

Rebecca - posted on 03/26/2010

6

27

0

ok so i look at it this way... my kids are like a job, with all the house work and everything that come with being a s@hm and ur hubby gets to go to work and then come home to relax ... what time do u get off work from being a s@hm???? i think its ok for him to help my husband helps me too and i love it !!!

Stevie-Lyn - posted on 03/26/2010

3

18

0

Oh and just one thing that keeps me strong is thinking of this ♥ I am a cook, a housekeeper, a parent, a teacher, a referee, a nanny, a nurse, a handy man, a maid, security, a doctor and a comforter. I don't get holidays, sick pay, or a day off, I work through the day and some of the night. I am under paid and over worked, now tell me that YOUR job is harder than mine

Stevie-Lyn - posted on 03/26/2010

3

18

0

I absolutely feel like this, my bf works in the diamond mines in quebec and i live in newmarket so he works 8 days and is off for 4 days but the thing is each way to get to me by bus is 12 hours so theres 2 of our days gone and then i might get either one or two days with him and i always have my kid bcus im separated from him father who lives 8 hours away and ya anyways my bf comes home for those 4 days off and we end up cleaning and watching cartoons and cooking ya know it seems like its never ending ... but if we didnt have our strong men we would be lost i just go with the flow now instead of feeling bad!! hope this helps :) message me anytime you like!!

Bobie - posted on 03/26/2010

45

18

2

NO WAY!! we are not superwomen..in a way!! we do need them to help to do the "men stuff" in the house or even with just daily chores...they get to have breaks at work, & their work is done after 8 or so hours....ours dont! we "work" 24/7.i have an 8-mo old... & he wakes up 2x at night to feed (i breastfeed). & i do get tired because of the waking up & all... although im staying home right now..i will be going back to work soon to help with the family income... so...DAMN SURE HE SHOULD HELP AROUND THE HOUSE TOO!

Mindee - posted on 03/26/2010

86

14

1

Marriage is about working together, so if that sweet husband of yours helps out, say a prayer of thanks that you married one of the great ones! If it really bothers you, try sitting down with him and making a list of the chores/tasks that each one of you would like to do. I.E.: emptying the trash, changing light bulbs, making dinner, doing the dishes, vacuuming, dusting. The balance of these chores is different in every home. What's important is talking about it so you're both on the same page and moving in the same direction. Life's too short to feel guilty over the little things.

Sonja - posted on 03/26/2010

26

33

0

all the time! i hate when he helps cuz i feel that i havent been doin it good enough but then its nice to have the help. at least hes not the type to just come home and throw his feet up and tell you to get your stuff done...and how you dont do anything...just tell him thank you for helpign and let him know he doesnt HAVE to help but you do appreciate it

[deleted account]

no and no one more time. taking care of the house and kids should be more on u during the hours when hes at work, but there is nothing wrong with him helping and u wanting his help at home, its his house and his kids too. so relax and love the fact your man helps u. i love seeing my husband helping out, doing the dishes and washing clothes. its great !! thank him a lot !! lol, but u should only feel bad if u are making him doing everything.

JUNE - posted on 03/26/2010

36

45

2

NEVER IT WAS GREAT AND HE COULD SEE HOW HARD I HAD TO WORK DAILY.THATS GREAT YOUR HUSBAND HELPS.MOST GUYS FEEL THAT JUST FOR WOMEN,I FEEL IF A MAN CAN HELP HIS WIFE HES A GREAT MAN.MEN DONT WANT OTHER GUYS SEEING THEM DO HOUSE WORK,IT HELPS OUT IF THE WIFE WERE EVER TO GET SICK.I HAVE FIVE SONS WHO ALL KNOW HOW TO DO HOUSE WORK AND THEY DONT MIND,AND WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS ALIVE HE DID TO.HAVE I TOOK CARE OF THE INSIDE OF OUR HOME HE AND THE BOYS DIID THE OUT SIDE ,BUT AS I SAID THEY CAN DO HOUSE WORK TO IF NEEDED.HAVE AGREAT DAY.JUNE

Renae - posted on 03/26/2010

2,209

23

154

HA! The day he helps I'll let you know. LOL. Sorry that wasn't helpful was it.... :)

Andrea - posted on 03/26/2010

45

17

0

I feel different then you'll. I am good about the housekeeping, but sometimes I get tired of it. I have to clean after 6 kids and man. My husband is in the military and gone a lot. I think he should help more around the house when he is at home. Its our house not mine. So its his job to help the upkeep of the house.

Deborah - posted on 03/25/2010

2

0

0

I do feel bad some times when my partner comes home after a big day and has to get straight into helping. But the way I figur it I have been working all day, and he has been working all day so at the end if the day the duties become 50/50. He does the bath, and has a cuddle and play, then I do the bed-time routine while he starts dinner (which I had done the the prep' for earlier. I do all the wake-ups during the night too since i need him to have a clear mind during the day, so he agrees that he have the better end of the stick lol

Ashley - posted on 03/25/2010

2

21

0

I feel exactly like this. We have a 6 week old and I was hoping to get a better routine by now and be able to help out more (not like I did the best job before the baby was born, but still...) but my husband does virtually everything around here. I'm sure if he could breastfeed, he'd do that too. I feel like a waste sometimes because even when I try to accomplish things around the house I space out and forget about them, or I get interrupted and get nothing done. :(

Kristin - posted on 03/25/2010

1,645

40

305

Nope, he helped create these kids. He lives, sleeps, and eats here too. He gets clothes dirty and because he leaves the house manages to track stuff back into it. My job as a mom is to keep them safe, loved, fed, rested, etc. His job as a father is to do the same. My job as a SAHM is all of the above, just 24-7, notice nothing changed. He goes to a job that theoretically lasts 40 hours a week and then comes home to OUR home. Yes, I do try to keep much of the house work to a tolerable level, but I will NOT do it alone as it is our house. There are somethings I am very particular about how they are done so I do them. There are somethings that I have the time available to do. There are also some things that I hate to do and that don't bother him. My husband is a slacker extrodinaire when it comes to cleaning the house, but he will do it when asked. Ultimately, it all balances out and soon the kids will be wanting money and that's a great way for them to EARN it.



Consider yourself blessed that you have a man who wants to do this stuff. Now, how are you going to reward him for doing it?

Barbara - posted on 03/25/2010

7

30

0

NO, my husband has learned that when he helps around the house, it is more of a turn-on than other things that he would have thought of -lol! He has learned that I might be more conducive to 'getting in the mood' if he has helped with the dishes, cleaning up, getting kids to bed, etc!

Plus, his job -the one he does for income - ends after a certain number of hours, or when he gets home; and yours does not. The job of mom is 24/7, and SO IS THE JOB OF A DAD! When he is helping, you are being equal partners! One thing that really bugs me is when people call it 'babysitting' when a dad is with his kids while mom is away!

Anyway, he might be noticing that it really helps with family happiness when everything at home is not just expected to be done by you. Be glad he is helping without you having to bug him about it, and appreciate that he is doing things to help you out, in return, making you happy!

Stephanie - posted on 03/25/2010

50

19

0

sometimes i do but he does it cuz he loves me :) we have a 4 year old and 2 year old twins so by the time he comes home i'm exhausted and he helps me a lot! i'm very blessed!

Jessica - posted on 03/25/2010

55

18

3

i would have to say with all the nagging that i do to try to get him to help if he starts to just clean ya i feel like mabey im not doning my job good enough and he thinks he has to do it cuz i won't its not true but it does happen i'll ask and he'd be like no u said i had to start helping then he wont do it any more for like a yr

Jessica - posted on 03/25/2010

6

0

0

Yes, I do!!!! My husband does the same thing and does laundry. I too feel he is picking up my slack. My thoughts are enjoy his help, say thank you, then enjoy you family time. His help makes the daunting house cleaning go faster and leaves more time for everything else. Plus he wouldn't help if he didn't want to and he probably thinks you need a break from the same old same old. The other bonus is that your kids see him do this and they will reciprocate when they grow up. I have 3 boys and I am hoping they will do the same for their wives in the future.

Angela - posted on 03/25/2010

41

36

1

Never feel bad for that!! You have a 24/7 job being a Mum - he works 40 hours a week!!

Princess - posted on 03/25/2010

5

4

0

Being a housewife is no easy task.So if your husband wants to lend a hand, let him.While a husband works 8hrs.a day, a wife is working double.And sometimes even the whole 24hrs is not enough to finish all the household chores.So dont feel guilty if sometimes he do the cleaning.Anyway, you're his wife and not a nanny.....

Rachael - posted on 03/25/2010

8

8

0

Definitely not! When you do, think about it this way. Hubby goes to work, you go to work (looking after kids... this is the daily priority, house work is just an extra). He comes home, you are home, children and cleaning still need to be attended to, both adults should do it. You both just have different 'day jobs'. I find hubby creates as much mess as the kids do....so he should clean up his own mess too! lol.

Christine - posted on 03/24/2010

14

38

0

I don't feel bad at all! I'm blessed my husband doesn't mind helping out and he does it w/o me having to ask! I help him w/ stuff outside like raking leaves, watering the garden, sometimes taking out the trash if he's not home. Yes, it is teamwork--I like the comments I read here.

Jennifer - posted on 03/24/2010

20

30

1

I feel guilty at times, but I am 9 mos pregnant and our 18 month old daugther is very active and doesn't exactly allow for me to clean as I would want to. I appreciate his help and tell him that when he does help. Besides, the house didn't get messy on its own, the toilets and showers didn't use themselves, so I think it is fair.

Nadine - posted on 03/24/2010

65

2

4

No it doesnt make me feel bad. I feel good when he hels out. we are a family and do everything together.

Crystal - posted on 03/23/2010

369

20

50

I absolutely agree with Jennifer Lott. It's their house too and their kids, so they should help. My hubby works construction so I try to cut him a little slack because I know he works a physical job, but for the most part I'm on him about still helping out -- mostly with the kids and making sure he spends time with them when he gets home, and that gives me a break. As far as the cleaning, I'm definitely not the best housekeeper and he knows, so I do my best (I have Rheumatoid Arthritis too, so some things are difficult for me) and if he notices something needs attention, he'll either ask me or just do it himself. :)

Shaila - posted on 03/23/2010

4

6

0

I'm also with Jennifer I not only help pay bills, cook most of the time,take care of our 7 month old baby n clean...So when my man helps me clean I let him, well that's the least he can do. He also helps me with the baby but I mostly just take on that part..Sometimes I feel a little bad because I'm the women n taking care of the house n kids r my responsibilities but we love eachother so were in it together as a team...

[deleted account]

Hahaha, I'm with Jennifer on the 'hell no' :) I have a friend who does 100% of everything in their house, all the cleaning and cooking... she even has to watch her husband make a bottle to make sure he does it right. He will literally sit on the couch and watch her clean. When she says something to him about her doing everything, he says 'if you were doing everything you'd be helping to pay some bills'. I thank god every day that I have a husband who is more than willing to help around the house and with our son as much as he does.

Medic - posted on 03/23/2010

3,922

19

550

HELL NO!!! It's his house and his kids too so he should help and lucky for my husband he helps without me asking because I'm not so sure I would be nice about it. His job ends at the end of the day mine does not so he can just clean away.

Jessica - posted on 03/23/2010

986

20

64

I feel like that too sometimes! I hate to admit but I too am a really bad housekeeper. I feel like there are always messes. The truth is he would be better at it than me! But he works full time instead, and when he helps out with house stuff I feel silly because shouldn't I be taking care of that? But, I think its important to remember that raising our children is a very important, and tough job. So even if we are home all day, I feel like they are number one and if you have to forego cleaning the kitchen or something sometimes because you're doing something with them, that's ok! And they live there too, so I think its fair if they help out sometimes.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms