Do you feel like a nag when you ask your husband/partner for help???

Charity - posted on 06/20/2011

When our first child was born my husband had no idea I needed help! He knew going in babys were a lot of work, but when it became reality it just didn't seem to sink in. (Funny now, but oh the frustration at the time!) It took him several months of me asking for his help, and telling him what I needed before he really began to "see" what I was requesting. My brothers were the same way, they just don't seem to see what is right in front of them! I just figured it was a guy thing.

Chesnie - posted on 07/16/2010

My husband will do things if I ask him, he may roll his eyes, but he does it. I mean for our 13 month old daughter. It seems he only helps when he is "correcting" something I did with her. He has 2 sons from a prev relationship so I guess he believes we should do things the way he and his ex did..ha

Josie - posted on 07/15/2010

My sons father didn't change a diaper till our son was 4 months old. He would whine like a little kid if I asked him to warm up a bottle, or hold the baby while I warm one up. He claims to be different now [our sons almost 16 months old] but I still have to fight to get him to do anything.

Crystal - posted on 07/15/2010

Definitely not just you. :) It's a man thing. But, you shouldn't feel like a nag, and he shouldn't make you feel that way either. Like you said, you both went into this knowing what to "expect" so why should he expect YOU to do it all, and he can just sit on the sidelines? Most men are probably uncomfortable with handling babies. But just as much as you are bonding with your child, he needs to also. Just make sure you don't criticize too much how he does things when he is handling the baby and doing things for the baby because no matter how much we think we're helping, we're not and it definitely pushes them away to helping more. I'm still "asking" for help from my hubby of 8 years after 2 children! (ages 4 and 2)

Heather - posted on 07/15/2010

I feel like most dads want to help but actually need us to tell them what to do because they really aren't sure what they should be doing. Sometimes my husband thinks "I have it" because I'm better at it. lol. I've come to realize if I just tell him to do something with the them it works out for everyone!

Lea - posted on 07/15/2010

Your child wants an involved father!!! go for it

Jessmin - posted on 07/15/2010

no not just you my othe rhalf has not done one night feed since ellie has been born and she is now one and wenever i do ask for help he says i nagging but just would like sum help its not easy i feel like i do it on my own most the time.

Montana - posted on 07/15/2010

thats just a man thing. i have to ask for help all the time. i dont get it either. i think the men are just out of their comfort zones when it comes to children. my hubby did start doing more with my daughter when she started walking & talking but still doesnt too a whole lot with my 6 month old son. i just wish he'd understand that i dont have all the answers either. its a constant learning process.

Janet - posted on 07/15/2010

I was trying to do it all myself until I finally had a total freak out. I cried and cried and my husband felt sooooo bad that he now rushes home from work and helps helps helps. I would say to just ask for the help and if he seems to be hesitant leave the baby with him for a good five hours while you do something, and by the time you get home he will at least partially understand your day! Then maybe he will not protest too much. :)

Domitila - posted on 07/15/2010

dont feel like a nag, women cant do everything in the house alone, we occassionally need help, like to take a shower, i usually try to put the baby to sleep to do things but when she wont i hand her over to the dad. And when she wont sleep and i need help i clearly tell my husband to help, and when he doesnt pay attention to me (cus he plays computer games all day and stares at his laptop pretty much all day) I call him by his full name and if by the 3rd time it doesnt work, i disconnect the internet.
Theres no need to feel like a nag, its normal to ask for help, be easy on yourself :)

Karen - posted on 07/15/2010

Yeah I hate asking but I'm fortunate to have a husband that really wants to help and he wants for me to ask him to help. But just like you I don't like to ask because I feel like I shouldn't have to! And it's worse when you have to ask more than once

Stephanie - posted on 07/15/2010

i have no problem asking for help ... he helped get them here he needs to share in the responsibility of raising them.. my husband may go outside the house to work but I stay home and do a 24/7 job... so don't think it's asking to much for their help ...

Tara - posted on 07/15/2010

not really. I just hand him the baby and go do whatever I need or want to do. If he is busy doing something than I simply say "when you're done doing _______ I'm going to have a shower/go to the store/read to the kids/ go for a swim/walk/canoe etc.
We work together on the days I work too. we also take the baby to work (we're self-employed landscapers) and at work it's the same, we trade off baby for tasks. He's very helpful and I love it!!
We have a great working relationship and a great home relationship. He loves his little man and if he had boobs I wouldn't get to hold him much at all!!!
:)Tara

Anna - posted on 07/15/2010

Seriously!!! I have the same problem. My hubby can't do anything while holding the baby. I bring it up to him all the time that anything I have to do I have to be able to have our 3 kids around (ages 3,2,&3 months) me. He will sometimes say "I will hold her while you cook dinner." He always hands her right back as soon as I am finished. He can't just hold her to hold her. drives me crazy. If I don't ask him to hold her sometimes he will go a couple days without holding her at all and be completely fine with it.

Dawn - posted on 07/15/2010

I feel the same my partner doesn't mind me asking but I feel guilty as though it's my responsibility to do everything for Poppy and the house and I shouldn't need help.

Tammy - posted on 07/14/2010

I don't agree with telling your husband to do something. No one likes to be told what to do, personally I would rather be asked not told.

Now on to your orginal question. Don't feel like a nag. Most men want to help; but don't knw what to do. My husband can't even see that the garbage is over flowing but if I say "Honey, can you take out the garbage for me" He does it without any hassle.

He really does understand that I do most of the housework and I do about 90% of the childcare responsibility so if I ask him to do something he never treats me like a nag.

Sometimes he will ask if it can wait till a commercial or the show is over. If I don't need it done right away I always allow this. But he is also willing to do it right away if needed.

When my boys were little and I was feeding them; if I needd my water refilled or something else that I really didn't want to wait, I would just let him know that I really needed it done now, and he would do it right away.

I find that you get more bees with honey than vinegar.

Katie - posted on 07/14/2010

YES

Taylor - posted on 07/14/2010

My husband is really great with helping me out with our 17 month old... I feel like he does EVERYTHING for him when he's home, but when it comes to the baby its all me. My hubby says he doesn't want to get in the way or mess something up. He also says he's either sleeping or BFing so he never has time to do anything with him. I just sat him down and said, "Look, I love you, and I love our kids, but I'm sick of holding this baby all the time! YOUR TURN!"

Joni - posted on 07/14/2010

i think when you are in a mature loving relationship,and having a baby was a decision you both make even when it's a baby that wasn't planned you should not have to ASK!!! I am in the same position and it can be very annoying. Men are naturally NOT nurturing,and learn alot of what they know from us. So when you have to go,go !We need our time to do what we need.And we should never have to come up with a "logical" explanation why !He has to learn just like you did what a baby needs and how to nurture and make him/her happy. Some men can be too in their own world with the beer andf video games and tv if they are not given enough respondibilitys with the baby. They defenatly are not going to say,here,give me the baby and you go take your shower now honey!!! I wish !!!!!

Erin - posted on 07/14/2010

no its your hubbys job to help out he is also the parent i had this problem at first then i confronted my hubby. he was actually kinda depressed since he felt like he couldnt bond with the baby so i started pumping so he could feed scarlett and he reads her books and cuddles her now now he helps out a lot more with her.

Stephanie - posted on 07/14/2010

I do get mad having to ask for help sometimes. He says all i have to do is ask, but all i get when i ask is a smart ass remark. Why ask when i get that?

Stephanie - posted on 07/14/2010

I felt the same way. I felt like a failure when i had to ask for help, but dad just doesn't know how to help. You have to let him know. My husband and i suffer through this still. I sometimes snap and think he should know what to do, but he's at work a lot and I have to remember to tell him what needs to be done. It's something that is hard to do and will always need to be worked on.

Kittie - posted on 07/14/2010

Its the mom gene. We snap into different modes easier than men. They need a little more guidance and praise. If he does things a lot easier or better than you, praise him for it and let that be his special time with his child. Men don't realize the amount of things we actually do for our kids, they take short cuts or completely skip things. I explained it to my husband and he has the idea of "if it gets done and YOU'RE not doing it why do you care how and when I did it?" I eventually got over it and stopped expecting him to do as much as me. All dads have their different ways, some are more attentive and hands on, others are laid back and watchers.

Shana - posted on 07/14/2010

i have the same problem and i feel we shouldnt have to ask to help no one ask us to do but we do... but it is in out nature..... inorder for me to go to grocery store with out the baby i need to ask her father if he can babysit..... i didnt have this prob with my first child whom came from a previous relationship but for the new baby i do.....

Vanessa - posted on 07/14/2010

I dont ask for help! i jus do what lisbeth roca does ; ) his "father" only comes on weekends so I watch him 24/7 everyday! when he is here i hand him over & get my sleep =)

Heather - posted on 07/14/2010

I would have to say I'm in exactly the same boat. Occasionally my husband will take the kids, ages 2 and 4 so I can have some real me time. However as a basic rule mymotto is dishes, laundry, diapers, meals. That's how every day goes plus I do all the bill paying, yard work and so on and so forth. He has to be asked to take the kids out of the tub when I am done bathing them, I am 6mths prego with #3. But I do love my husband and appreciate the long hours he works to keep me at home with my children and a roof over our heads so most times I give him a little leeway. But to answer ur question No you are not alone.

Ashley - posted on 07/13/2010

It depends what it's for. My husband will bend over backwards to help if I need to do something important like grocery shopping, cleaning, taking one of our kids to the doctor, or if I'm sick, etc. But he gets really annoyed if I take some "me" time, like doing my nails or taking a long shower. He said all that can be done while they are sleeping. Point taken. He doesn't really get "him" time, so I understand.

Genevieve - posted on 07/13/2010

The first year of our daughters life, I felt like a nag when it comes to taking care of the baby i.e. feeding, changing diapers and looking after her while I shower. I had no problems with the other chores such as cooking and cleaning the house though. So I just figured that he was afraid and just hesitant to handle the baby but my husband is so much better now that my daughter is 2 yrs old. So maybe your husband feels the same way my husband did. Is this his first child? If it is, then maybe he just doesn't know how to handle it or is still used to not having a baby in his life. Just a thought.

Nicole - posted on 07/13/2010

The fact that the game consoles take up so much time- men don't seem to know there is an off switch- I made the rule that he isn't allowed to play video games when the kids are awake. Plain and simple. He became much more attentive and does more to help me because he can't use his game as an excuse. I highly recommend it!

Kellie - posted on 07/13/2010

Wow Heather,can you please tell me how you got your husband to do all of that for you,or did you just find that rare diamond in the rough!!!You are one lucky person!!!As for game consoles,whoever was the smart one who invented them,and it had to be a man,needs a bullet!Me and the kids just DO NOT exist when thats on,he goes into a world of his own!!!It seems many of you have that problem also.It definitely is a mans world!!!

Dana - posted on 07/13/2010

Ughhh... I totally feel the same way. My husband is a firefighter, both career, and volunteer, so he's gone a lot. I feel like he considers it "babysitting" even though it's our child! I know he's happy to help, he just doesn't offer. if I don't ask him to watch Max while I take a shower, it doesn't happen, because he certainly isn't gonig to offer. He's going to a concert next Uesday, and was talknig to a buddy that's going with him the other night, and they decide to go down in the morning to tailgate all day. Must be nice to know that a responsible, loving person will be caring for our son all day while he gets sloshed and has fun! (: That being said, I love my husband to death, and I'm so grateful that he works so hard for us... But I really feel like I got shorthanded in the "help" department!!

Lika - posted on 07/13/2010

no i tell him what i need him to do because if i have to ask that means he needs to step his game up and his short falls fall back on not only me but the children as well if im overworked from doing all the work or the rearing either or then what kind of care giver am i?

Heather - posted on 07/13/2010

my husband cooks dinner every night for the family and at bath time I bath the baby he baths the older one, we both clean the house if u see something that dirty clean it, thats what we say. he does all the grocery shopping, use to make the formula and bottles for me everyday and wash the dirty ones,use get up early morning to feed baby be for going to work (not a baby any more), oh ya and works 12 hrs a day 6 days a week. I love him every much we are partners

Gina - posted on 07/13/2010

Housework-i'm on my own there...showers-what's that?
dinner prep,all me. Unless it's goin to be grilled then it's his job. And son't even get me started on HIS game time...we don't even exist when he's hooked up to his online x-box. I literally have to take our 2 girls everywhere i go!
I love my hubby, he pays the bills, and moves heavy objects,but really that's about it. Most times I don't even ask for help ,because I know it will get done faster if i just do it myself...

Lisa - posted on 07/13/2010

I understand i have three boys and I been married for a Long time and you Would like he would do it with out asking but no

Jennifer - posted on 07/13/2010

My husband just says I don't wanna but he usually doesn't care too much is just like Kinberly saying bein a drama queen - lol

Kimberly - posted on 07/13/2010

Some men are dense. They need to be asked/told what to do to help you out. And the ones that sigh are just drama queens lol

Kellie - posted on 07/13/2010

Do any of you get the eye roll and sigh when you ask for help?Im not saying that he doesn't help at all, but when he sees I need the help,he just won't voluntarily offer,and that drives me so mad!!!

Jennifer - posted on 07/13/2010

yeah if my husband is watching tv or playing video games and I want to clean or shower or something I too just say here and give the baby to him.

Kimberly - posted on 07/13/2010

I too tell my other half what i need to do and hand off the baby. If he protests, I ask him if he wants to take care of the task or watch the baby.

Lisbeth - posted on 07/13/2010

Don't ask just tell him I say here you go and walk away.

Raquel - posted on 07/13/2010

Although my hubby 'voluntarily' helps out most times with the older children and around the house(somewhat), I do feel like I ask way to often for his assitance with the baby. ie I find myself asking him "will you watch the baby while I shower" or for some other reason...he certianly doesn't "ask" me when he needs or wants to do something, just assume's I will.