does any1 else have this problem with their man?

Possum - posted on 08/06/2012

What I'd really like to see — kind of – is people growing up with less exposure to porn. The Internet is full of it these days, so kids will have access to it early on whether you like it or not.

It would be nice if you could have your first relationship and really figure all that stuff out on your own without all the subconscious exposure to porn and how it's "supposed to be done." and in what order. Later on I guess you could watch porn for new ideas or entertainment and I really see no major harm in that.

Some people are fundamentally opposed to porn on the grounds that it's corrupting and whatnot. I think it's not entirely men's fault. Women use it to make a living and cash in on guys' need for validation and company.

But when it comes to relationships, I think it's incredibly poisonous for you to be this hostile about guys watching porn. Watching porn can be like masturbating. Guys just happen to like visual aids. And it's incredibly hypocritical to say you don't sometimes idolize other men or emotionally or physically get off on them. It doesn't matter at all as long as you love each other and have a connection.

Of course if your guy pays you less and less attention and starts watching more porn, it's not a good sign. But I think being paranoid about it could just fuel it and poison the relationship further.

I would say that zero tolerance to pornography sounds more perverted and conducive to bad things in many cases than just ignoring it or learning to understand what it's about. It's got nothing to do with infidelity or the woman you're with not being enough or "it" for you. It's just a silly thing that some guys have a taste for. Like candy or chocolate or something. Blaming and hating and such really does little to help the relationship thrive in my view.

By all means talk about it, with mutual respect and understanding. But with matters to do with sexuality I personally believe it's especially important to try to keep a cool head, try to work out what's going on and how to make it better. Rather than to get judgmental. Even though you may have deep seated beliefs and ideas about sexuality and how it works, it really doesn't mean that that's how other people feel. That's the beauty of it, in a way.

All the best to all of you!

Connie - posted on 09/16/2010

Me personally was against porn back when I had my first bf. I felt like I could never compare. I was self conscious, especially with my weight. When I met my now Hubby we would watch it together. It was kinda weird, but somewhat educational. My man likes all flavors of women. Actually, I am no where close to his "Ideal Woman" But I'm ok with that because he knows that porn is just fancy and I'm reality. In reality I'm comfortable in bed, we only have a few fav positions. I'm confident in our relationship, I trust him. We have spiced it up before by making our own porn. Being a christian I sometimes feel dirty about porn, but I'm going to have to work that out between me & God. Kinda like masturbation, I guess.

ASHLEY - posted on 09/16/2010

I agree secretly watching porn is a no no. Me and my hubby do occasionally watch it together though. Would yours be into that? Maybe you can try watching it together. Try asking him what specifically he likes about it maybe there is a fantasy he is too shy to reveal to you. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what else to try except to keep explaining to him how it makes you feel. Hopefully he will eventually get it.

Nakita - posted on 09/16/2010

how do u deal with it Emma? do u just ignore it? thats what i have started 2 try and do now anyway

Emma - posted on 09/16/2010

i feel exactly the same !!!!! x

Rachel - posted on 09/15/2010

porn is porn.. it's a way for guys/girls to get out of their normal sex lives and use their imaginations to create something wild and crazy. I agree with LOri N you need to talk to your man and find out what his sex drive is all about.. I don't think you both are on the same page.. If you don't talk about it, it may lead to cheating, than porn :(

Teresa - posted on 09/15/2010

Jennifer I don't know how old or how long you guys have been married but my husband was kind of the same way before we got married; he would come up with these videos from friends or his brother and I felt the same way as you do but thank the Good Lord in time he just quit watching them all on his own. I never told him anything about them; we have a child now and I guess he's just too busy to watch or maybe he just grew out of it! Hope this helps to let you know you are not entirely alone.

Jennafer - posted on 09/15/2010

I have never seen anything wrong with watching a little porn from time to time. Sometimes it can spice up the night when you watch it together. However, if he is doing it all the time, then he has a problem. Also, be proud of who you are...you are a very beautiful woman and a MOM. Trust me I am not happy with the way I look after giving birth or while I was prego, but my husband always lets me know how sexy I am every day. I say sit down and really ask him why he has to watch it all the time (and listen to him). Once he tells you then maybe you guys can work it out together ;). I wish you the best.

Hailey - posted on 09/15/2010

porn is nothin rly my bf cn watch it if he wants not hurtin any1 he says bout my weight yh i gne frm size 12 to 16 frm havin my bby but to be honest if he dose go and cheat its him tht loosin nt u tht how i feel anyway

Sarah - posted on 09/15/2010

I think it is totally unfair to the husbands\boyfriends to use the 'if he loves you, he'll stop' schtick. Especially if the man has a serious addiction. If YOU love HIM, you'll try to help him with his problem, not throw it in his face and tell him he's wrong\gross\disgusting\etc.
How would you feel if your man said something like 'If you love me, you'll be back to pre-pregnancy weight within a week'
If it truly is an addiction, then he needs true help. You cannot shame someone into believing or thinking the way you do. That's part of what causes addicts to feed their addictions in private.

And as far as men not being satisfied with what they have, who isn't curious now and then? I love my husband and would walk to the ends of the earth for him, there have been times where I was out somewhere and caught myself checking out a handsome stranger. Sometimes the thought 'I wonder what it would be like to be with him' has entered my mind. But that in no way means I am not satisfied with who I have at home. It just means that I am human and from time to time get curious.

Amanda - posted on 09/15/2010

Ranae, thank your for your insight!

While watching porn on line most of the time will not lead to an affair, in my case it did so I understand the discomfort with it. but I didnt mind it while I was healing after I gave birth so he didnt go out and physically cheat on me. but now im a little wary.

Aura - posted on 09/15/2010

No, I think that isn't true, Ashley. Men can do pure commitment just like any woman. We are a civilized and advanced culture and are not run by our baser instincts. Many people have proven that.

Ashley - posted on 09/15/2010

I guess that it depends on how MUCH he is into it. You say he is crazy on it. If he is looking at it every day, especially several times a day (or like an hour a day), I'd be worried. People DO get addicted to it - and since it's so available on the internet and all, I think it has become really a bad addiction.
But I don't mind my husband looking at pictures now and then. I don't really like it when he looks at videos. I guess that's because I'm not attracted to them really. But if he does once in a while, I don't get upset with him.
Here is how I've always seen it: (I've had boyfrends who are into that stuff) Men naturally want to look at other women, and even to do things with other women. We naturally want to be with one man. They have told us they are with us and want to only be with us. But that doesn't stop them from their natural part wanting to be with other women. So, they look and "experiment" by looking at pictures of other women in the magazines. Or they get excited watching a video. I wouldn't let it make you feel bad. It's not because he doesn't want to be with you, or because you aren't enough for him. Or because he wants some prettier woman. Honestly many of those women aren't that pretty, unless all he looks at is Playboy (then they are pretty, and maybe he only wants to look at it because they are women he could never be with - I've known guys like that too) It's just because that's how men are naturally wired.
Think about from a purely scientific stand point: marriage doesn't make sense for men - for a man to make the species go on, they should have as much sex as they can with as many women as they can. For women, we have to have as many babies as we can, but have a protector and provider for those babies. So that's why marriage or partnerships came about. But men didn't loose that urge to make babies with many women. I know, a lot of people will think this sounds sexist, or whatever - I don't think it is. I'm a feminist. I've been a woman's studies major. I think porn is a terrible industry for women - it makes them victims in many ways. But until we get rid of the industry there will be porn. Until we get rid of the porn, men will look at it. I guess I'd rather my husband look at Maxim or something less hardcore - and he does mostly. But I don't get upset about it. I know he is only having relations with me. And if it turns him on a little to look at that while I'm putting my son to bed, then when I come to bed we can enjoy each other... I guess that's ok with me.

Suzi - posted on 09/15/2010

Porn is not allowed in our house! I am very against it, why would he need to look at someone else whn he is in love with me, he did it once, and now he knows that i wont stand for it, the thing is if you explain how much it hurts you , and ask how he would feel if you were getting off looking at /thinkin of someone else ? he should stop what he has been doing . if he loves you he will acept he has to stop! Good Luck x x

Sarah - posted on 09/14/2010

I am in the middle on this issue. During both pregnancies and for a short while after, I had ZERO interest in sex. I didn't even want to 'just lay there'. While he was 50% responsible (knocking me up n all..lol), I still felt it wasn't fair that he wasn't getting any satisfaction, so to speak. He and I went out to a sex store and bought a couple movies that we were both comfortable with. To this day, we still watch them on occasion for a little something different.
My only issue would be if he chooses to replace me with porn. Then we'll have a problem.

Renae - posted on 09/14/2010

Just checking back to this thread to check the posts after mine and make sure my comments didn't offend anyone.

Maybe you should google this topic and read up on it. Seriously I think it might help. There are lots of psychological articles written about why men and women feel so differently about it - its actually a popular research topic believe it or not!

Usually the whole fantasy thing has nothing to do with it. Men will watch porn containing things they would never do, or never even want to do, its just the awe factor and amazement of it. Dont assume that because you find something on a computer that your man actually wants you to dress up and do it (sometimes he might, but usually not). Porn also usually doesn't lead to affairs. The two are very different things. Porn does not involve putting a name to a face or having any communication with the women (which is why men think it is ok and dont see our problem with it). I'm sorry that an online affair happened to you Amanda, that would really hurt. But for most men, looking for an affair or being willing to participate in one, is completely different to looking for porn. Hope this helps. Just trying to give some insight.

Amanda - posted on 09/14/2010

mine does too. he admitted he had a problem though..he wiped the computer but i think he can still watch it on his phone..... although your lucky... the porn lead him to a very brief on line affair.... still hurts like hell.... and like someone else said there may be a fantasy he doesnt want to ask you to act out for whatever reason, it bothered me but until it affected our relationship i didn't put my foot down about it. I kinda just said ew and things to show my distaste for it. good luck!

Montana - posted on 09/14/2010

my hubby is crazy into porn too. i tell him i dont care as long as i dont know cuz it def hurts my feelings to know that he does that more than me.

Aura - posted on 09/14/2010

I, personally, am not one for porn. I find it degrading and quite a slap in the face to the women's rights movement. I did, however, watch it with my husband once. We were curious as to why "so many men" liked it. As it turns out, it did not make us amorous. It almost bored my husband out of it. So, we both agree that it isn't worth it and I still find it distasteful.

Some men just don't care about how we feel, though. They only care about the cheap, self-satisfaction they can get from it. Unfortunately, sad but true. I think you have a choice to make. You either have to live with it or leave. It seems your hubby isn't giving you much of a fair compromise to avoid those choices.

I'm so sorry you have to go through that.

Galina - posted on 09/14/2010

You are not alone!! If he watches porn it does not mean anything except that he wants more sex and at nights he does not want to bother you and the kids so he takes care of it.... and yes i believe guys that do have porn issues are sexaholics... I know that i take a nap during the day and at night when the kids are a sleep i am able to have great time in bed and sometimes early in the morning and he loves that... when i do make time for him he does watch it much less It is both of our faults, guys because they are lazy and us girls we are too preoccupied with life... It is the toughest thing ever but remember the first days when u slept with him... and they need all of their lives to be that... It sucks for us girls we already have so much on our plates but if we work on our sex life guys seem to be much more helpful even around the house... even cooking breakfast! lol Hope that helps.... i been there, I fighted over it and even came close to divorce but I knew that I loved him and tried really hard to work it out..and still working on it!! Good Luck....

Nakita - posted on 09/14/2010

thanz guys you have helped me heaps, i really appreciate it knowing that i am not the only one who feels like this or has felt like this thanx again guys

Erica - posted on 09/14/2010

@ Renae I am not trying to be mean or anything but it offends some women regardless if it is "typical male" women are emotional creatures and when we see that our men would rather stare at another body and not ours it makes us feel unworthy and disrespected. I am not totally against porn cuz I look at it too I came to realize myself its not worth the argument LOL. Anyway, the only porn that really sets me off is those that are titled "kiddie porn" or something along that nature. That is something to be concerned about if husbands are watching stuff like that even though a majority of it is fake. @ Nakita I understand where you are coming from and you can't help how you feel. Husbands should take our feelings in consideration.

Rhonda - posted on 09/13/2010

Well I am also against porn but my man is the same way I tell him how I feel but he just keeps doing it. So my advice is learn to live with it cause men are pig's just be thankful he is not cheating on you cause I see it this way if men didn't have porn then alot more men would cheat that is just my thought's.

Nikki - posted on 09/13/2010

I for one am not a fan of porn, my husband, however, is. i am also self concious, but when he decides to buy a mag i will look at it with him and we joke about the girls... I know that my husband loves me and only wants "pleasure" from me, so I am not worried about him cheating on me either. Maybe if you and your man sit and look at mags together it might help you out?

Renae - posted on 09/13/2010

I think you should do a search and read what has been said in some of the other conversations on this topic, it comes up every couple of months, so you are def not alone.



Men dont watch porn because we aren't good enough, or because they want us to do some special thing they fantasize about, or for ANY of the reasons that us women think.



Men are far more visual creatures than women, its a scientific fact, their brains are far more sensitive to visual stimulation. I think some women read too much into it. I'm not exactly happy about it but I'm not really bothered by it either. And no I'm not smoking hot myself, not these days anyway - 20 kilos ago maybe I was! But its not about that, its not about those women being hotter than you, some of them are butt ugly!



Men like watching sex and looking at naked women. Those men who dont do it are nice enough to control themselves out of respect for the wishes of their spouse (or they just do it in secret). But most men dont understand, and never will understand, why we think its an issue. Its not an emotional topic to them and to them it has nothing to do with their relationship with their partner.



When you say you have had a heart to heart with him, I suspect you have told him how you feel, which I guarantee he has no idea why you feel that way, but did you ask him what it means to him and why he watches it? I think you will find the answer is surprisingly simple - because he likes it - that's it - nothing more to be read into it. Personally, I think there are bigger things in life to focus on and worry about what they look at on the phone or computer.



I hope everything I have said makes sense. I am not trying to defend men who watch/look at porn, I am just trying to show that it isn't a big deal to them.

Melissa - posted on 09/13/2010

i had the same problem, but it was while i was pregnant. i had a REALLY big problem with it. it made me sick to my stomach to think that he was into all that crap he was watching. when i first caught him, i got really mad and yelled at him. but that didnt work, as i caught him again... then, i told him how sick it made me and that i felt like it was kind of cheating on me in a way... i dont know what it was that made him stop but he hasnt watched it in a long time...
ive found that not freaking out and yelling is more effective... with my bf anyways...
i dont really have a solution for you but i thought i would let you know that i know how you feel, it sucks, it really does. and you are a very pretty girl, im positive its not because he thinks you are ugly or anything like that... i dont know, guys are pigs sometimes

Amanda - posted on 09/13/2010

Maybe he's just watching them because there are things in there he fantasizes about and is either to scared to ask you to try them or respects you to much to ask you to try them. Have you asked him that? At least that's what was going on with my bf, but we worked through it and I hope you guys do to.

Nakita - posted on 09/13/2010

thanx guys, i 2 think its disgusting i have had a heart 2 heart with him but it didnt work and when i mentioned addicted he just said im not i can give it up and he did for a month or 2 then i found them burnt them and he hada huge nut at me lol i have even tried scare tactics with him e.g that il leave him but that never worked cos im 2 chicken! i so dont no what 2 do, he has that much of it its not funny and when i get rid of them more pops up? am i being to over the top? when i confront him he says heaps of guys do it and i no that but how many of their gfs are in the same boat as me?

Kayla - posted on 09/13/2010

My bf used to do it all the time. Why dont you "watch" it and let him "catch" you just to see how you feel? That might bother him.. If not, sit him down and explain how you feel.. I am pretty self conscience to.. he used to watch it all the time on his phone and he found out that im super smart when it comes to that stuff and i found all the websites and stuff that he watched... then he stopped watching it for awhile and i was looking at his pictures on his phone and he had a billion pics of naked girls and i asked him about it and he said he had no idea where they came from!! But i looked at when they were added and they were added when he was in the bathroom "#2ING.." (he takes FOREVER doing that...)

Lori - posted on 09/13/2010

I am 100 % against watching porn, unless both parties are into it. I personally, am not one that enjoys it, in fact, I think it's disgusting. However, I know that there are certain men that do crave that kind of thing. It sounds to me like you need to sit your man down and really have a heart to heart about this situation. He needs to know that you are serious and be considerate of how you feel. If he loves you he will quit. If he continues, maybe you need to insist that he gets some help because he may be addicted and that can lead to other addictions. I hope that everything works out for you. Stand your ground and don't budge on your beliefs. Good luck.