Does my husband really love me

Cassie - posted on 01/14/2012 ( 53 moms have responded )

10

0

0

We have been together for 11 years and have been married 8, we have to beautiful lil girls and now a son on the way, For the past 8 months his whole attitude toward everything has changed, he started ignoring me, we only had sex once and that's when I got pregnant with my son, and nothing since then, the only time I get a kiss is when he leaves for work, and it's just like a pop kiss, I asked what was wrong with him and he keeps giving me excuses like, "the house isn't as clean as I would want it to be" You know I have two small children my house is never gonna be spotless, but I did I spent 13 hours one day completely cleaning every room in the house all the laundry is done and my house has been spotless for going on 3 weeks, with alot of my picking up after the kids but it has stayed spotless, and nothing has changed, I almost feel like that was just a cover up for what he is really feeling, Then 8 days before christmas I finally broke down because I feel like our marriage is falling apart and I am the only one working to keep it together, I asked him if he still loves me and if he wants to be with me and he says yes, but his actions are speaking alot louder than his words. He tells me that maybe me and the kids need to go stay with my mom for awhile and see where it goes from there. I totally freaked out, I mean how selfish can you be to kick your pregnant wife out and your two 8 . days before christmas. I can't work because of my medical condition, I just lost it, I mean what am I supposed to do, So my mom came to get us and she flew into him and let him know real quick that if he wanted out that he would be the one leaving and that he wasn't leaving us homeless, She said do you love my daughter or don't you? Do you wanna be with her or not, Because if you don't I will pay for a divorce but you need to know now that There is gonna be lawyer and you will be paying for these kids. He just said yes I love her and Yes I wanna be with her, Mom asked him what was going on with him and all he could say was I don't know. He knows that I love him to my soul and that I would never leave him, I want to be with him and only him for the rest of my life. He knows this so he takes advantage of it. He treats me like I have the plague and treats me like I am a room mate not his wife. So I had finally gotten over the crying and went to my local Department of human resources to see what kind of benefits I could get for a single mom, I was told to not leave the house that he could leave, because me and my kids need a place to stay, and that in order for me to get and benefits I would have to sign paper work to go after him for childsupport, and because of my medical condition I can't work so they are gonna get him for alamony to. I went home and he asked me what I was told and he was in shock, he couldn't believe that I had actually done it, I had actually took some kind of action, he immediatly changed his attitude, he started telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and how he didn't want to get a divorce, but the way he has been acting I have just been waiting for anyday to get Divorce papers in the mail. What do I do? I feel so helpless, but at the same time I don't want to lose my family, but I don't wanna stay in a relationship where I am treated like crap either.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

wow, that all sounds familiar. my husband left me when i was three months pregnant without a job and a 400 car payment in my name!! needless to say i couldnt afford our house so i bounced around to about six different places to live trying to keep up the payments and my sanity while trying to work at a beautyshop that didnt pay well. so i lost everything and he moved his gf in two months after i left and only a week after my divorce was final. i went through hell trying to squeeze a cent outa him because he was self employeed. but he paid for things when he felt like it. now we are together after being divorced for a year and being together for nine months and fight all the time. but before i was the one waiting all the time for paper becausehe said he wanted a divorce to me all the time. now, i dont care if he leaves ornot because ive been at deaths door, depressed and homeless and without a dime or a person to care. not even my parents who said, this was all a learning lesson. luckily your momma went in there and gave him a few words on your behalf. soooo.....hes being nice now he knows how much a divorce is gonna cost and youre gonna have a lawyer and hes gonna have to pay back the state assistance for the cash and pay alimony. he is thinking thats a worse life than what he thinks he may have right now. look into his story a bit more if theres anyone else. not trying to freak you out, but when they are pulling tihngs outa the air as to whay they arent happy, they are finding excuses to make u focus on yourself, like you need to improve, while its them messing around or messing things up. see....you worried about cleaning the house for him and focus on that all the time, when you need to pop up to work with lunch a few days a week or drop him off a snack in the afternoon or some cookies you made for him. that way he knows you can stop by whenever and hes gotta be on his toes. not saying hes unfaithful. but the percentage of husbands who cheat are very high. he knows youll never leave and you love him to the core, so he can get away with murder. but now you know you can get government assistant housing in nice complexs that pay your rent and your utilites, free cell phones, state assisted medical for you and the kids for glasses, dentist, medical, and even get the state to pay for your kids daycare while you go to school. like a vocational college. you may not be able to work but you can take online classes at the community college and get grant money to live off of and pay for school. you may think your life revolves around him, but start acting independent and tell him youre tired of braking your back to please him, tell him to make you want to please him, if he doesnt want to have sex, order some toys offline and keep them in the room so he will see them like youve used them and he will be jealous. act like hes not a big deal and ignore him rather than cry over him. take a shower and avoid him then he will try and chase you. it worked with us. my husband likes the challenge or the chase. so i dont act like he upsets me anymore.

Michelle - posted on 01/14/2012

1,606

10

224

Sounds like some marriage counseling is in order. It seems like he loves you but something else is going on with him (maybe he's depressed). You need to get him some help because you don't deserve to be treated like crap. Now he knows you're serious and it obviously scared him. Use this to get him into counseling. Hopefully it'll save your family.

Anne - posted on 11/01/2012

5

0

1

meaghan van im on your side after treating my husband of 21yrs , like i dont care wether u stay or go, he decided he wanted me in his life . wich means men only like strong women so wake up ladies lets leave what we have in our hearts to ourselvs sometimes we dont have to tell them everything , let them ask it of us.

Gabrielle - posted on 03/12/2012

133

8

19

wow. A lot of that is happening to me too. I almost felt like I had written this post. I can't help you out because idk what i'm going to do but I just wanted to say what I said. When we fight it ALWAYS comes down to "you could do a lot more than you do. the house could be a lot cleaner than it is." Its like when you have a son you are trying to potty train and a daughter who is at the age where she gets into everything including the dog food in the dog bowl its hard to get ANYTHING done at all. Sometimes I just wanna punch him in the face. He says if I did more than he would help out. He doesn't help with anything xcept work to pay the bills. he says if I was happier more often then he would wanna touch me and have sex with me more. I think if he helped out with the kids and the house then I would be happier and not as bitchy all the time.

[deleted account]

Cassie- Don't feel bad for letting him know how much you love him. From what you have written you have done nothing wrong. Opening yourself up to someone who said they felt the same and maybe at the time did doesn't make you wrong. He is wrong for making you feel wrong. (If that makes sense) I'll be praying for you both to work this out.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

53 Comments

View replies by

[deleted account]

Sounds like he needs to go to counseling to figure out what is going on with him. Or he could just be a typical male and feel neglected because the kids are taking up all your time. Whatever it is, make sure you make it clear to him that if he wants to leave, then leave. But if he wants to stay then he better treat you or the kids right. He should not stay and make you miserable. "Shit or get off the pot" as a counselor once told my husband.Husbands have responsibilities to treat their wives properly and if he can't do that, then he needs to find out why or snap out of it.

Pauline - posted on 09/25/2012

11

0

0

hi, i admire your courage for letting him be such a cruel person, he seems to have things on his mind . have a final talk let him know wots going on and give him your views if he doesnt change then he probably isnt going too, i have learned from my relationships, that men arent strong like us we care too much and they are too selfish! by the time they grow up we hit menopause, your kids with be happier and better off whatever you decide is best for you! keep strong and always talk too someone dont keep things to yourself.

Edna - posted on 03/12/2012

84

39

4

you need to find out whatis up. but it's not worth struggling on, it's not good for you and the baby and your 2 girls propbably already know something is wrong.

maybe getting him to leave would remind him of what he has and if not at least you and your kids can start the healing process, sounds like you have an amazing support system in your mum, use it. good luck

Denise - posted on 03/11/2012

37

56

8

I think that the both of you should seek marriage counseling and see if there is something wrong with him more than just taking advantage of you. I went through almost the same thing with my husband, I married him twice. The first time around was not good because he cheated on me and after a 7 year absence, I left him, we got back together and have been happily married for almost 3 years. What medical condition do you have? It looks like you have to scare him to get him to change his attitude. you don't need a man that is going to treat you like crap. The kids deserve better as well.

Daria - posted on 03/08/2012

8

0

0

My husband used to do the same thing. trust me..You don't wont to get a divorce? You vowed for better or for "WORSE" ..its a promise you made to each other. Beleive me he loves you! As long as he is loyal to you everything is fine. This is between you and your husband dont bring other people into it, it always makes it worse and more complicated. Just hang in there, plus your kids will love you for it. Idk I just think of my mother in law..she went through hell and back with her husband literally! And they made it out good, they are happy now after 22 years of marriage. No one said its easy but thats what makes it worth it in the end. YOU CAN DO IT! YOU WONT REGRET BEING BY HIS SIDE THROUGH THE BAD! THATS WHAT MAKES YOUR MARRIAGE STRONGGER AND THAT MUCH MORE SPECIAL!!! hang in there girl! He's just going through something..

Lauren - posted on 02/24/2012

11

0

3

Hi Cassie, I've gone through most of your comments and through those of the other ladies....



I breifly read that you think he could possibly have low testosterone, deperessed, etc? My question rather than a comment is, if he doesn't think/feel there is anything wrong with your marriage and isn't interested in marriage counseling, how on earth are you going to get him to seek help with regards to low testosterone or depression? I can't see him or any man for that matter that would easily admit to either of these issues. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themself.



I applaud you for standing by your man and wanting to keep your family together, but you have to start thinking about yourself and your children!! I worry about you and this unborn baby...what the stress is doing and could potentially do!



I kinda went through something similar, after my son was born...my husband and i were on really bad terms. I wanted to go to counseling....he kept saying "I was the one with the problem, not him". At that point I pretty much gave up on my marriage and when he realized that I had, it was at that point he agreed to go to counseling.



If your husband disagrees with counseling, perhaps YOU should go and talk to someone. Maybe it would help??

CMI1973 - posted on 02/23/2012

16

25

1

I hope you find some answers...I can't imagine the stress you are under. Is he possibly weirded out that you are having a boy, therefore feeling strange to have sex with his SON inside you? Is it possible he could be gay? Cheating comes to mind, because sometimes they feel like they are cheating on the mistress. You need to get to the bottom of this and he needs to man up. I would ask him to move out until he is ready to figure it out together. He'll either move out (and you know it's for the best if that is what he indeed, does) or he will start talking. Listen to your instincts...they are never wrong. Good luck ..wishing you much happiness

Carla - posted on 02/10/2012

11

0

0

Girls I'm not promoting divorce here , n not saying its st all easy to go that road ! Butttt if u have BOTH tried EVERYTHING ! I mean everything n it's still an unhappy situation , u need to separate . It's unhealthy to be in a unhappy relationship and it's not good for your children either . I had guilt when I filed for divorce that my kids would hate me . All 4 thank me for not seeing me do unhappy anymore ... They wish mommy n daddy would have been happy but understand its better this way . It's hard sooooo hard , n my ex made it a living nightmare BUT my children n myself are so much happier now n I think even he would agree at this point . I have 5 kids , 4 with my ex .. Now 5 years later I'm in a loving relationship with a wonderful man who adores my children we have a foster child m a baby . N he's everything my ex wasn't . I was scared at first but do glad I did move on .. But once again u need to try every avenue b4 u call it quits or u will regret not trying . N the post w the female friend !!!! Sounds like u need to wake up n do what u need to do n what's right for YOU cause he already is :-(

Carla - posted on 02/10/2012

11

0

0

Omg what do u mean his "female friend " ????? What the beep is that about ?????? Yea I don't think so :-/

Kira - posted on 02/10/2012

10

2

0

I have been with my hubby for 16 years and we have 4 sons together. I feel we have grown apart,we always argue but when we do argue he always runs away to his female friend which breaks my heart. This female friend has come into our lives since september last year and has ruined everything. His attitude has changed,he talks down to me which he never did before. I'm depressed and always sad and i just want to be happy again with him like the old times. I think if he don't change i'm out of this marriage i'm sick of being treated like crap xx

Carla - posted on 02/10/2012

11

0

0

K .. I had 4 kids w my ex husband .. Same situation n DO not ever leave !!!! ever ! Sounds like u have fallen into the same old issue .. Same thing every day . Kids work kids cooking cleaning kids . We get depressed as woman but men handle it differently . They do start viewing us as there room mates rather than there lover . It's bound to happen . First off u called him on it ! Good girl ! U stopped crying n showed him u will do what u need to do without him if u have to ! Not a lot of woman get the nerve to do it ! And my ex didn't change his ways n start to appreciate me till I did too ! Just don't go to far with it ... Now see where he goes with it . Start doing a bit more together , date night n rules r no talking about the kids ! U may have a silent dinner lol but that's fine . If he doesn't want to go with u , then u go do something by yourself . If u work on u n feeling good about yourself it makes a huge difference trust me on that . My ex started to realize I was a person n he wanted to be with me ... In the long run I realized I didn't want him .. But that's just me .

Lindsey - posted on 02/09/2012

54

12

1

In my experience, men just deal differently. I don't know what your specific situation is but I can tell you when I got pregnant with my second son (about a year ago) my husband fell into a deep funk. I was certain he wanted out and had possibly even met someone. I was terrified and felt very desperate that I was going to be on my own with two young kids. I started to see a counselor myself and started investigating my options if it was going to come to this inevitable split. Once he got the clue that I was not content to live the way we were living. That I wanted our kids to have two loving respectful supportive parents whether we were together or not he got honest. Turns out he too was terrified about adding to our family. I don't work and he works very hard with long unpredictable hours and a lot of travel. He was thinking 20 years ahead about how his long hard earned money would be swallowed up year after year. He was worried I would be overwhelmed and struggle to uphold my duties as a housewife and stay at home mom leaving even more responsibility to him. He was stressed and worried and freaking out in his own way. Was it ok that he disappeared into his own world for the majority of my pregnancy? Not at all. I had a lot of complications too, which I think added to my frustration that he was so unavailable and I truly needed him. My point is that I too thought my only option was to get out. What I learned when he was finally willing to sort it out was that he was depressed and stressed about feeling like he wouldn't be able to provide for us and didn't know how to deal with the change in our family dynamic. Our baby is now 2 1/2 mos and things are coming back around. It is possible if you allow time for things to heal to resolve different deep seeded issues if you are both willing to uncover them and move forward. My husband loves me and never thought us splitting up was the answer. He just needed help expressing where he really was with everything. If you or anyone thinks he is being abusive to you physically mentally or emotionally get out and find support. Otherwise be patient with the process and don't fight for your relationship alone. He needs to be on board and so do your families and friends. All marriages suffer through hiccups. Strength in your relationship comes from making it to the other side. Best of luck to you. Just know you're not alone. If you want it to work out focus on that. If you truly believe its lost, don't settle either.

Nancy - posted on 01/28/2012

61

7

7

I feel the very same way about my husband. He has been there always and it was my turn (at that time) to be there for him, understand him, and support him 100%. I am glad to hear that he is opening a little bit more to you...and I am sure that seeing that you are there for him and that you are not giving up on him that easy, will make him feel better and get out of the hole that he might be in. I truly wish you the best, that you two help each other to get your family back, and that when that baby arrives he can enjoy it as much as you. Life is hard sometimes, and we react in different ways. But I am sure he loves you dearly if he told you he wants you all together.



Best of lucks and all the blessings!!

Cassie - posted on 01/28/2012

10

0

0

I have come to notice that he is alot more depressed than I thought he was, he is now starting to hold me more, to touch me more, to kiss me more, He even for the first time said I wont US to be happy, not apart but together, I want us to be happy together forever. It really made me feel good knowing that he said that because he has NEVER said that before. He was military also has always carried alot of pride, and like you said he doesn't want to feel "weak' But I have been reassuring him of how proud I am of him and how much he does for this family, Our two lil girls "ADORE" their daddy, and now we are going to have a son, and I told him that he is gonna have a lil shadow when this one gets old enough to walk. He just smiles. I have actually been showing him alot more affection too. I didn't realize how much I had pulled back and the wall I was building around myself. I was getting hurt and my only defense was to build a wall to try from getting hurt. But I don't wanna do that anymore, I pray that this is just a phase he is going thru in his life right now, and I love him so I am definently not going anywhere, But all I know to do now is let him know how much he is loved and cared about, and how proud we are of him. He really is a good man, and I know that ALL marriages have and go thru problems, I just can't ever see myself giving up on him, I mean when I look into my future, there is never a time that I can see where me and him aren't together. I love him and that's all I know to do.

Nancy - posted on 01/27/2012

61

7

7

Cassie, I am so sorry you are going through something like this. My husband is in the military...so obviously his job is very stressful and demanding (long hrs). He has been deployed at least 5 times. We have been together for almost 7 yrs and never really had any problems. Last yr, I noticed he was a bit irritable and not very patient (in general). I knew he was having a lot more stress than normal at work because I saw his change in attitude at home. He NEVER tells me when he is feeling down or has problems. He is very proud and doesn't like feeling 'weak'. For the first time in our marriage, we had an argument...he was very rude and a bit aggressive. I knew right away there was something going on with him because he is not like that at all. I asked him a few times what the problem was but he kept saying everything was ok. I am very patient and always try to make it the best possible at home since I know how stressful his job is. And I don't want him to be stressed at home too.



After that argument, he felt bad about it and we sat down and talked about it. I even found out that he had a card for a counselor (which he obviously hid it from me). I think men act in a very different way than women when they go through depression (like someone else mentioned it here too). We might take it as they don't love us, their attitude might be cold or even aggressive, but I believe there is something else going on with your hubby. I wouldn't give up like you said, I would try to help him and find out what really is making him feel so down. I agree that his friend suicide might be one of the factors, his job, the more responsibility, etc. There are too many factors that might be affecting him, and not the lack of love for you. So, I would try to get him help, be supportive, show him that you love him (why not), and that you are willing to help him get out of it. Your family is worth fighting for, so let him know that too =)



All my best wishes for you and your family. I really hope you can help him to deal with this and get better.

Erica - posted on 01/22/2012

47

14

1

Honestly, it sounds to me like he is just very depressed. When women get depressed or stressed out we want to talk it out. When men get depressed or stressed they become a recluse and just want to be alone. My husband and I went through this last year. He would come home from work in a bad mood and lock himself in his man cave.

I eventually found out his job was really stressing him out then when he came home from work I would have a list of chores for him to do. He has since quit that job and I quit giving him a list of chores to do as soon as he gets home.

Determined - posted on 01/20/2012

343

1

81

Yea it really is an awesome book although it's not easy. There have been parts that made me cry. The first one was are you really a kind person? No! I've had so much crap happen to me abusive parents, a physically abusive ex and a different guy was emotionally abusive and being molested as a child. All of that stuff turned me in to a very bitter person. None of that is an excuse though, we cannot control the challenges we face but we can control our responses to them, I let that stuff get to me and make me bitter and unkind and didn't even realize it until I was asked directly.

i should warn you it is Christian based so there are biblical referrences but even if you don't believe in God the stuff in there still applies. The book covers 40 days, each day there is a short "lesson" (like what unconditional love really is) to read and a "dare," (like do something to show your spouse you're thinking of them, sometimes the dares are harder like list the things in your marriage that your spouse doesn't like about you) to go with it. You keep a journal as well of the ones you've accomplished. Just hang in there any love worth having is worth fighting for.

Cassie - posted on 01/20/2012

10

0

0

I have been researching alot about it, and I am almost convenced that he has low testosterone, he has EVERY single symptom it named, I have asked him to get help, and go to the doctor because it can cause long term side effects, I mean it causes, low to no sex drive, depression, irritability, feeling helpless and lone, I mean it has so many things, things that he has all been going thru, so I have set up a doctors appt, so that he can get on the medicine that well help him feel better, he has been very depressed, and then the suicide of his best friend just added to that stress, I have done alot of soul searching and have come to realize that I haven't been as understanding as I should have been, I love him, I refuse to give up on our marriage, He has never been this depressed our down ever, and I am not gonna live him when he needs me the most, I would want nothing more but for my family to stay together, our lil girls would be devastated if we were to get divorced, we are all they know, and they really have no clue as to what is going on, then our son will be born in may, I know that he is really excited about us finally having a son. Oh, and I am going to by the love dare book. I really want to try it!

Determined - posted on 01/20/2012

343

1

81

Cassie,

I am very sorry that your are going through this! I am currently in the same situation my husabnd told me almost two months ago that he loved me but wasn't "in love" with me. I was devastated. He went to the doctor and found out he is depressed so was prescribed medication. Could this be the situation with your husband? We haven't gone through marriage counseling yet because we're giving the medicine a chance, but perhaps you can talk to your husband about counseling. He said he loves you and wants to be with you so he should agree to it. I am also going through a book called the "Love Dare." It is really making me reflect on my marriage and realize that our problems didn't not just come from no where they've been there for a while I was just oblivious to them and it's making me reflect on myself and I've learned I haven't been treating him as good as I thought I was. Maybe you could give that a shot? It can't make things worse. I could be the added stress of another mouth to feed.

Try to hang in there believe me I know that it is hard. Even though things seem like they're getting better between my husband & I, I still have the fear that he's going to just give up.

Try to rekindle that spark that could be the issue as well. Try dating again. If you don't believe in divorce then stick to that keep fighting for your marriage. I'm here if you need to talk :)

[deleted account]

I would love to think that my marriage is going to last for ever. Really that's what we committed to. We both love each other and there is no sign that this is going to change. I do however know that sometimes people or circumstances change and boom ... the world turns upside down. It makes me wonder what we as moms can do to better protect ourselves without being skeptics that are expecting things to go wrong ... hmm ... just a thought.

Hang in there Cassie. You are a strong wonderful person and you are not your circumstances even though right now it might be hard to tell the two apart!

Susan - posted on 01/19/2012

2

0

0

Oh my God, Cassie, so sorry you are going through this. I really wonder why he is doing this! Have yiou tried to find out if he is seeing someone? Sometimes when men are cheating they treat their wives that way. Don't give in to his lie of love right now until he apologizes, tells you what up and you resolve things HONESTLY. May the Lord comfort you and give you direction.

Susan

Julie - posted on 01/19/2012

631

96

12

Look in the mirror - do you get up and get yourself going and looking nice as when you two were dating? I'm not judging but I have seen this more often than not ...

♥ The house can have a mess here and there BUT keep it clean.

♥ Have a nice warm meal waiting for him -

♥ Teach your children good table manners now - and always eat together as a family

♥ If his work requires him home late, feed the cherubs and put them to bed or have them ready for bed. Who knows what his day has been like and the last thing any husband needs is to walk in the door of his home to stress.

Teach the girls quiet games to play - have things set up with their dollies as their children and they will mimic you! ;o)

Read, 'What husband wish their wives knew about Men' and other good books on marriage... Read marriage books together when the kids are in bed ... discuss things .. be open and humble ♥

♥ Be sexy for him ... ;o)

UTMOST - love him ... years ago my husband went to work and never came home ...

- he died 20 minutes before I got to the ER ... no life insurance - nothing.

Nothing but 5 children to raise alone - my family being far away...

We made it and I took in work so I never had to leave the children and it really paid off! I am the proud mother of 5 adult children with good jobs and 6 going on more, grandchildren. 29 years alone ♥

No one said life would be easy - just worth it.

Niki - posted on 01/17/2012

321

2

30

Just flat out tell your dh that you want more of "this" and more of "that" as well as listen to him and his wants or changes and work on them together.

Sarah - posted on 01/17/2012

378

18

29

Has your pregnancy or the ones in the past had issues? Is he worried about the baby maybe? Could he be worried about the physicality of sex causing a problem with the pregnancy?

Counseling definitely sounds like a good idea! Do you guys have a pastor? He might feel more comfortable talking around someone he knows.

Have you tried setting him down and talking to him about this? My husband and I went through a "feels like my roommate" time, and a big part of it was straight up lack of communication.

Also when is the last time you guys have had some couple's time? It is VERY easy to get caught up in the day to day and feel like you are drifting apart simply because your day to day issues are sooo different. It sounds too simple but you'd be surprised!

Also about your parents, in my experience it is best to keep them a little to the side in these situations. They are going to lay into your hubby because they hear that he is making their baby girl unhappy. Think about what you would do for your girls in that situation.

They can still be helpful though. How do they feel about some babysitting? It is much easier to sit and have important talks or a date night without the constant "mom, mom, MOM!"

Since he is a police officer, it might be worth asking someone if the department helps with counseling. Just be careful how public you make this or there is the possibility he could get mad that everyone at work knows his private issues.

It definitely sounds like he loves you but he's having some emotional problems and you are getting the results. He may not even consciously realize it.

I'll be praying for you!

[deleted account]

i agree with EVE, he will be good and nice for a week maybe. my husband can only put on the act for about that time. anything more is too hard for him to go through with. lets just say im onto his broken promises and lack of affection and already have one foot out the back door planning my move slowly so that i am financially ready.

[deleted account]

don't get trapped in this vicious cycle. He WILL treat you like a king for a few weeks, maybe even months, then it will go right back to the way it was. Make counseling mandatory and if he won't go, then he REALLY doesn't want to change, he just doesn't want to be alone. You are better alone than to settle. It will be hard but you CAN do it. Don't be trapped in a hum drum lifestyle.

Cassie - posted on 01/17/2012

10

0

0

Yes I have seen the movie, and it's funny because I have mentioned to my mom that I wanted to get the love dare book. He is acting somewhat better. He is wanting to hold me and lay with me but he NEVER wants to have sex, he doesn't even like it if we are laying down and my leg or arm or hand is anywhere near his private area. This is breaking my heart because I already feel like the ugliest person in the world because I am pregnant but him treating me this way just isn't any help. I have tried to talk to him about it and it just doesn't seem to matter at all. :(

Jill - posted on 01/16/2012

92

25

1

cassie, you mentioned your husband is a police officer. have you tried talking to his chief, captain or whoever is in charge? (i dont know the ranks...) i have several family members in the police force in our city and they are very pro family. they encourage the whole family to come to them if you need help, counseling, etc. i'm assuming theyour police force is like a big family, like ours. does he have a partner that you can try to talk to without him knowing? maybe you can find info that way.



you have a right to know what's eating your husband. even if he doesnt want to talk about it, he needs to at least tell you what's going on with him. tell him that. if you can get that issue out of him, then ask him, "if you're not ready to talk about this now, then when can we talk about this?" remind him that you at least deserve that much.



have you ever seen the movie Fireproof? try this link: http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/



it's an amazing movie, the book is even better. there are links there for help. you can also get a copy of The Love Dare. something to consider. good luck and i'll say a pray for you.

Cassie - posted on 01/16/2012

10

0

0

Thank you, and I think that we are gonna be okay, he is really trying to show a lil bit more love toward me, he is starting to talk alot more to me but still not sex, I just hope and pray that he isn't cheating, I just don't know what I would do if I found out that he was cheating, He would crush me! But at the same time if he is I know there is nothing I can do to stop it, he is grown man, but I just hope he is smarter than that.

Tracie - posted on 01/16/2012

317

9

1

Get to a counselor stat! It's clear your husband is going through something. He may be afraid of the added financial responsibility of a third child, and since you can't work, the entire burden falls on him. That's a heavy load and not everyone is up to the challenge. Maybe he's depressed? The fact that he straightened up after you told him about your excursion tells me that he does love you, but something else is up with him. You both need to find out/figure out what that is.



Best of luck to you!

Cassie - posted on 01/16/2012

10

0

0

Thank you, I have slowly started to realize that, I should have never let him know how much I love him, because now he uses it against me, he knows that he can treat me anyway he wants to and get away with it, But I am getting to the point now where all the hurt and pain and tears is turning into anger, I am starting to stop feeling so soft and I can feel me getting colder against this, Things that were bothering me and keeping me depressed and crying is now the things that are just pissing me off! I stopped acting like I care so much, I started telling him that I love him but I am not gonna put up with someone treating me that way because I don't deserve it, but I also don't want my girls growing up think that this is how a man is suppose to treat a woman, I love him but I love my kids more, and I am done being a door mat!

Meaghan Van - posted on 01/16/2012

32

5

0

I know how hard this is for you. I have had relationships that ended like this. I will let you in on a little secret that I have found out through experience. its called "treat him mean and keep him keen" In other words you NEVER EVER let a man know how much you love him. Always be a little untouchable, a little aloof. In other words, toughen up and stengthen your spine, and tell him that you dont care what he wants to do but be prepared for the shit hitting the fan, if he tries anything underhanded. There is another truth out there " hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" let that be your motto. Another good thing for you to keep in mind is this motto "hope for the best, but PREPARE for the WORST" that way nothing catches you off gaurd.



That being said, it is good to love. Dont not love, just never let it be known how much you do love, or else it will be taken for granted and he will wipe his shoes on you sweety. Its the way of men. Treat him mean and keep him keen... and keep your self respect and dignity intact.

Krista - posted on 01/15/2012

78

0

4

Marriage counselling girl! I must say, I do feel like Im in the same position - Im a stay at home mom. I dont have a car so I can never go anywhere during the week. I am literally house bound monday threw friday so our house is immaculate just because I have nothing else to do. I feel like he doesnt appreciate anything I do. We have sex 1 every month sometimes once every two months. I get the same peck as a kiss too. No hugging or touching. I dont know what changed, but men are just plain stupid!



Good luck to ya!

Cassie - posted on 01/15/2012

10

0

0

Thanks for all of the encouraging words, This has been going on for awhile, he just acts like he is just severly depressed, and now He just found out that his best friend that he has had since high school commited suicide, I feel like the whole world is falling down on us, If things were bad then they are definently not good now, He is a police officer, and I think that alot of the reason he has cut off his emotions is all the things that he has to see and go thru on a daily basis, like fatal car accidents, motor cycle accidents, suicides, murders, and all the other things that come along with being an officer, I know there is no way I could ever be able to handle those things, and to be honest I don't think he can either, So he has completely shut off all of his emotions, because he feels like if he lets it get to him then he is just weak, With his military back ground and now an officer he has alot of pride, you learn to shut off your emotions you are told how you should feel. But what it is doing to my family I hate, not only has he turned of his emotions at work, he has turned them off at home, I have begged him to go to the doctor or a councelor but he says " I don't need any help theres nothing wrong" well I have been with him for 11 years, and I know when something is wrong, I am a christian and don't believe in divorce, but I also don't believe that God expects me to stay in a relationship were I am treated like I mean nothing either, But I love him and I feel like this is the worst part of our for Better or Worse, and I am not gonna give up on him when really he needs me the most, I have talked to alot of my prayer warriors and we all think the same, the devil is trying to destroy all families, marriages, and anything he can. But I will tell you this, I am not giving up on my marriage, and I am not going anywhere, if my marriage ends it will be because he left, because if that is to happen, I will know that I did all that I could do to keep my marriage together not just for me but my children. But at the same time, I don't want my kids to see me miserable, So I really feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, All I know to do is to stay in my bible and pray and live right because with God on my side, I believe that anything is possible. :)

Crystal - posted on 01/15/2012

18

5

1

Ok I fell like you just described my life. My husband stays gone alot. like he will come home from work and take a shower and usually he leaves. I usually dont see him till late. I dont think he is cheating on me because we reguarly have sex. But he always says well i dont want to be at home because the house is always messy. well girl im like you I have two kids. one who is 4 and the other will be 2 in Feb. Its really hard to keep it clean. i can clean and less than 5 min. later it is dirty. I want the truth why he really doesnt want to spend time at home with his family. The kids love him being around him and going places with him but its like he always finds an excuse for them not to go. It breaks their hearts and I am the one left wiping away tears. Its really hard. I love him with all my heart and I dont know what to do either, we have been together for almost 7 years and will be married 4 yrs in March. I dont know what to do b.c i have no money and really far in debt. I know you was looking for advice and I just laid my problems out but i want you to know that your not alone. If you ever just want to vent just message me I know that sometimes that really helps. Hope everything turns out good. and I will be praying for you.

Christy - posted on 01/14/2012

2,218

41

404

Something is going on with him. I can always speculate here, but I won't. You both need to have a talk w/o the kids around and see what's going on with him. Find a common ground, in other words focus on the things you agree about rather than the ones you may disagree about. I don't know what else to tell you, but you are doing the right thing going to family services in the meantime. If he can't make up his mind, you are right, you shouldn't stay in a relationship where you are treated like crap!

[deleted account]

I agree with trying marriage counseling. Maybe with another baby on the way he is a little freaked out and not sure what to do about it. Having another baby is a big stress on anyone and I think men have a naturally harder time expressing it. I know when my husband is stressed he doesn't pay attention to the kids and I as much. It maybe that he loves you but just can't sort things out in his head. Sorry he is treating you this way and I hope that this is all that it is. Good luck :)

Michelle - posted on 01/14/2012

8,263

8

3223

I would try and get into some sort of marriage couneling. He may need to get things off his chest and feels that he can't say it to you. If he's not willing to go to save his marriage then you go on your own.



It doesn't matter how many times he says he loves you, he has to actually show it as well. Words are just words without emotion behind them.

AokisMa - posted on 01/14/2012

24

0

2

Wow, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I may not be the best person to offer advice in this situation, as I haven't ever been married (by choice). But I can offer my honest opinion. First, good for you deciding you don't like that treatment and being proactive enough to take the steps to do something about it. I know there are some who would make a "stay for the kids" or "but I love him..." excuse for staying. But I say, moms deserve to be happy too & love is a two way street. Your kids need and deserve the happiest and healthiest mom (cuz mental can lead to physical distress in the body as well) that you can be. So follow your instincts, not your heart.



And good for your mom too protecting her baby like a mom should!



I just worry that her talking so honestly with him coupled with the info thaat you sought some professional advice, may have sent him into stealth mode. So "if his handshake doesn't match his smile", as they say, again trust your instincts and good luck!!









r instincts. And good for your mom too. Afterall, you're still her baby to protect and look after.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms