Does your spouse complain about you not working?

Jessica - posted on 12/26/2009

My name is Jessica. I am currently 25.2 weeks pregnant. I stay at home clean, cook, and take care of my step daughter everyday. My hubby is having a problem with how our money is not being saved at all. It was just Christmas time and a lot was bought for my step daughter, that I went to get becuase he had no time. Other than that I do not spend anymoney. He buys cigs, gas, food, drinks, and more every single day. He blames me for the reason we can't save because I send out the bills such as mortgage, phones, electric, ect. and I watch the account and make sure we don't over draft or over spend and set out our budget. But because I don't have a job he takes it out on me. I am hearing a lot now that I am the cause of our money problems when I stay home all day. I am a good wife and a good mother and he doesnt' see what I go threw or what I do everyday. He says " you have no idea how good you have it made". He tells me all the time and runs me down to where I feel like scum because I don't have a job but It's because I am busy taking care of the house, 2 year old, and growing a baby inside me. I quit college for him and now I'm stuck in this mess. I don't know what to do. I am 25 weeks pregnant and want to get away from him but I don't want to hurt our child like I see my step daughter hurt. I am so lost and confused on what to do. Please help with any advice. Thanks Jessica!!! Please if you want to talk with me personally about this for extra help please feel free to message me.

Tasneem - posted on 12/24/2009

Wow! I thought I was the only one...it was not too long ago that my husband and I would fight all the time over work and sharing resposibilities...One day I just decided to go stay with my parents for a while to give myself time and him too. The one thing that helped me communicate what I wanted to say to him was the fact that I told him I will come back home only when he wants me back and when he has had enough time to think over everything and is willing to contribute...to my surprise it worked...the distance saved my relationship! And now all I have to do is give him reminders, I leave our baby with him and do my work or go out when he has a holiday from work....I learned the hard way...dont ask if he will watch her just tell him to take care of the baby... dont ask if he will feed the baby just hand the bowl and tell him to feed...and go do what you want to...take a break!!

Alanna - posted on 12/23/2009

Well put Heather W :)

Brandis - posted on 12/23/2009

make him do every single thing that you do during the day..no helping and see how he feels after a week of it

Jennifer - posted on 12/22/2009

I would definately not just take off without telling him or just stop doing stuff for him. That will only cause you guys to have a big argument. You want to make him see that you do work and not just make him mad. Just calmly explain all the things that you have to do everyday and through out the week. Most men just don't understand how quickly things get dirty. My husband tried to tell me once that our kitchen floors only need scrubbed once a year! One time I was really sick and couldn't clean them for 2 weeks. He then realized that they need cleaned a lot more often. My hubby doesn't know everything that I do at home, and I don't know everything that he goes through at work, and that is ok. Just try to talk things through with him calmly, because if you are upset and yelling, then he won't want to listen to what you are trying to tell him. As for the ME time, make your own. Sometimes that may mean a house that is a little messy, and that is ok. You taking time for yourself will make you a better mommy and that is the most important thing. I have three children ages 5,4, and 22mo. and I make sure I take time for myself everyday. My house isn't spotless, but it is clean. I find that after I take that time for myself I am more eager to get things done and it seems to go a lot quicker.

Lori - posted on 12/21/2009

why don't u get him to do what u do for a few days and see what he thinks after that....

Michelle - posted on 12/21/2009

Give him a bill with a daycare and housekeeping costs. Add in overtime which would include working thru breaks and lunch. Also, give him a form telling how much sick leave you've accrued and I think you get the idea. Oh yeah, add in mileage and gas costs.

Leave him the work and go away for a weekend. Start doing things for yourself. Tell him whatever time he isn't at work and not at home contributing to the house and child you get the same amount of time off. Also, tell him you didn't marry him just for his money. He can help make dinner and with the house and with the newborn. When he gets off work then you are off "work" too so he can help out with the home and baby.

If you can't tell I went thru similar thing. My husband has completely changed. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, plays with kids, etc. If I want a girls night out or weekend I go. But I also reciprocate in kind.

Brandi - posted on 12/21/2009

Once in a while, I leave my hubby alone with both kids on a saturday and leave him a "list" of things that would be nice "if he could get to" stuff like wash the few dishes in the sink, put a load of clothes in, straighten up in the living room (stuff i would normally get done on a day thru the week, no heavy cleaning). GUESS WHAT!!!! nearly EVERY time, he gets NOTHING extra done. the kids are fed, napped and happy when i get home. I don't gripe about the other stuff not getting done, but I do ask, "didn't you have time to wash the dishes and straighten up?" He usually replies with OMG the kids were acting CRAZY are they always like that lol. GAME, SET, AND MATCH!!!!! He gets it.

Brianna - posted on 12/21/2009

Thanks guys I will definitely try out these ideas!

Camille - posted on 12/21/2009

my husband did the same thing until just for one day i made him do all my work. i made him take care of our son cook bathe chores everything while i sat there and pointed out everything that needed to be done by the endof the day he was sooo worn out and tired he never complained about it again. sometimes you just have to give him a reality check!

Kylie - posted on 12/21/2009

My husband does something similar. I have been doing casual work one day a week, but that has finished now, they have offered me 2 days next year, and my husband wants me to take it, but he doesn't want our son to go into daycare! He often tells me it'd be good for me to get out of the house so I don't just sit around all day...! He has had days where he take care of the baby, and he will clean or whatever on that day, but he leaves the baby to play alone, or with me (something I can't do when he is at work!) while he does these things, and then tells me that I should be able to do it all because he does, he doesn't seem to get that when that baby is up and wants to play that I play with him, not leave him alone and clean!!!

Clista - posted on 12/21/2009

i had the same prob. acually once in a while we still argue about. not only do i do everything around the house but i am back on school full time again. So i dont have time for him or to do anything for him. I quit doing his laundry. He wont die if his clothes arent clean, and if doesnt wanna smell, he'll wash his own clothes...his arms arent broken. (thats what i tell him) i dont have time to do my own, let alone his. As far as bills go. i make him do the check book at keep track of the account. it gives him an idea of how much money he spends too. especially money he needs to go to work on. I took him to the grocery store with me a few times so he could understand that food isnt cheap either. i guess just try to find ways that will be easier to understand for him..try doing the bills together, explain how much things cost, tell what its like when the baby wont let you put him/her down while youre trying to vaccuum or sweep the floor. my hubby is in demolition so i know he works hard too but i explain to him, i know u work hard, but dont undermine what i do either. Lets face it, men are not cut out to be moms or do mom work b/c they cant stand being in the house and being in constant demand. Especially when you dont even know what is wrong most of the time. Men dont have the patience to sit and try to figure out whats wrong with a screaming newborn. anyways, i hope this helps, good luck!!!!!

Diana - posted on 12/21/2009

I agree with Heather on the letting the chores go for awhile. As far as food, let him be resposible for himself. You take care of you and the baby's basic needs. One day on a day he is home just leave while the baby is with him, go shopping with girlfriends. Don't tell him your leaving, JUST LEAVE. See how he fairs on his own for a few hours. He'll probably need HIM time by the time you get home.

Shelby - posted on 12/21/2009

My husband use to say the same things until I started leaving the kids with him once every two weeks so I could have time to myself. He quickly realized that is not as easy as it seems. You should try the same it seemed to help and he appreciates what I do more now. He won't understand until he steps into your shoes for awhile.

Heather - posted on 12/21/2009

Mine doesn't complain about me not working...he knows that I'd like to - I've never been much of a homebody - but that I have my hands full with his two kids, and with being pregnant with our first. Occasionally, he'll mention that maybe I should look into my freelance graphics work a little more, even just to pull in a couple hundred a month, so I have to explain that the market for that isn't exactly great right now.



The only advice that I can give you might not work, depending on how your relationship is. I'm not really all that passive-aggressive, so I find a direct approach works. Take a couple of days, and just...leave the chores alone. Insist that cereal or toast will be fine for dinner one night. I wouldn't advise doing anything with the bills, because those are important, but perhaps get a documented list from your online banking or something of every bill that you pay online, or copies of checks and receipts from the ones that you do at home or at a store. If possible, have him in the position of having to take care of your 2-month-old for ten hours (I say 10 because of 8 hours of working, plus an average of two hours getting ready/driving) by himself. After that, sit him down and explain to him that this is what the house looks like if you don't keep up with it every day, that he gets loving, home-cooked meals every day because you care enough to do it, and that your house runs efficiently because you make sure it does, and all during that while, you are ensuring that your baby gets the best care they can. If he still doesn't get it...well, I'd say go stay with a friend for a few days so he can get the gist a little better.