Ever feel like since you had a baby you have no real friends?
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Grace - posted on 11/11/2012
Hi everyone - I see this thread is old, but hopefully it reaches some of you -- and you can give some good input! :)
It seems like most of you feel that your single friends ditched you. I'm on the other side - single w/o kids. I found this thread because my friend had a baby 6 mths ago -- now I feel she has no interest in/time for me? I know some of you have referenced friends wanting to go out and party...that's not me. I'm not into the bar/party scene at all. I would however like to see my friend and I don't think an occasional evening dinner is too much to ask? Instead I've gotten squeezed into ONE sliver of lunchtime in the middle of our busy work day - so needless to say it was a whirlwind lunch!
We've been friends for 6 years...I've seen her through breakup/engagement/wedding/health scare/fertility treatments and now baby. I understand that her whole life has changed. I've tried to give her time/space for adjustment and I think I've been patient. After 3 mths she went back to work, but her husband doesn't work - so there's someone (and not just anyone-a parent!) available to watch the baby for a couple of hours in the eve. There just appears to be no interest in making time for our friendship? Needless to say I'm hurt and MISS my friend.
Any advice you can offer would be great.
Sue - posted on 03/11/2010
I totally feel the same. Since having my babies I have 1 friend. After getting married I lost one group of friends. Than moved away lost another group and than had babies and now lost the only group that i had left. Now I sit at home, a stay at home mom, lonley, no family support and a husband who works all the time. Wow how life changes and you really find out who your true friends are or who weren't.
Ana Sofia - posted on 02/01/2010
I agree!!! I know its hard to find time for friends, family, and you but... I think that if you have real friends they will be right beside you in the moment you need them the most... then youll see whos a real friend...I think you really have to start evaluating all your friendships and maybe start new ones that have more in common with your life style. Its really sad and hard to move on to some friendships that have been with you for a long time, but its worth it if they dont appreciate and understand you!
Rosa - posted on 02/01/2010
I understand you,nothings the same.my best friend makes me feel like she just doesnt want to hang out with me no more and when she sets a date she usually cancels because something came up!I need new friends!
Beth - posted on 01/30/2010
YES! My friends have a completely different life and their schedules don't exactly match up with someone who has a two year old and a new baby. Moms that have kids that are my age go back to work, and most stay-at-home moms I meet are much older than I am. If you DO happen to find a mom to be friends with its like you have to match up with someone who's kids have the same nap schedule and has similar parenting views. Its almost like dating!
Michelle - posted on 01/30/2010
They say once your have a baby your life chance. I thought the way I had to do things differently in MY life. But the little friends that I did have, I guess they feel like I don't want to have a fun outing with them, so I'm not even invited. It hurts, but, looking at my son, I see the good in it. Maybe going out with friends, he'd do his "first something" with a babysitter. Or if he was with me, I wouldn't be able to "catch up/hang out" with the friends. So even though there is a very hurtful downside, there is a beautiful upside, I've only been in my area, so I didn't have to many friends when I had my son, so it's not to hurtful, but still. It sucks.
Jenni - posted on 01/29/2010
I had that happen with both of my daughters as soon as I got pregnant! Obviously it wasn't the same set of friends each time, but the second time around was a lot harder than the first since I couldn't understand why, when they had time for me and wanted to hang out when I had one daughter, being pregnant a second time would make that big a difference! What was stranger is that they're all married and planning to start families in the next few years as well, so it's not like the idea of kids scares them. What's even stranger than that is that the only friend I have that has stayed in my life consistently and who I see at least once a week is also the only friend I have who plans never to have children! It's overall been confusing and really painful to have so many people that I thought were my friends just cut me out of their lives entirely.
Kim - posted on 01/29/2010
I moved to this area soon after having my son. I left all my 'work' friends 2 hrs away. I became friends with people thru Storytime at the Library and then at the preschool, but they all had their good friends and I guess I was just a friend at the playground they could talk to so now that our kids are older I never see them and I have no friends nearby. All my HS friends have moved very far away, my best friend is actually now a Nun 3 hrs away. I have found some great friends on message boards. We started at the old Parents.com and after one of their changes started our own board, we have been friends for about 5 yrs. Same problem though, they live far away but we talk daily if we want to.
Liz - posted on 01/29/2010
Yes I feel its so hard to keep in touch with my friends. Granted facebook makes it easier but I cant hang out with my single friends as I would like. Everytime i do go out I just think about my kids anyway!
Michelle - posted on 01/29/2010
anyone ever try MOPS group. Good place to vent frustrations, most have a supervised playroom for the kids so you can get a small break and some have crafts and snacks. Very fun and can meet lots of local moms going thru the same thing. They also have mentor moms whose kids are grown up and can give advice or support.
Monica - posted on 01/29/2010
most of my friend dont even bother calling me anymore b/c they know what im going to say...." im at home with the kids", " not tonite maybe another time", or " ill call you back i have vomit to clean up". You have to call them when YOUR free for the night.
Carrie - posted on 01/29/2010
That is so sad,but that just tells you that they weren't the right friend's to begin with.Start going to drop in centers and such and you'll be fine,Just because we are moms doesn't mean we have to seclude our self's when those you thought would be around are not.
Amy - posted on 01/28/2010
Yes same thing happened with me I had my kids starting at age 18 while all my friends were partying and didn't want anything to do with me. Now that I am 30 they are the ones who are stuck home cant even go out to the movies while I am having a great time taking my kids out with me.lol my kids are old enough to babysit there kids. It sucks though having a baby and no one to hang out with I never found anyone with to hang out with when mine were young.
Jessica - posted on 01/28/2010
Absolutely, any friends of mine that haven't had kids do not understand at all! And I thought they would be more involved because I've always been there for them but they're not, they tend to be absorbed in themselves and when you become a parent you have to give up that selfishness. Hopefully one day they will get it it & until then I have become closer to those who are parents themselves!
Rachel - posted on 01/28/2010
Absolutly!! I don't know why this is so true. But it happens so much. I had been friends with this girl since I was 7 or 8 years old....and we pretty much stopped talking 4 years ago, but haven't talked to each other at all in the last year. So we were friends for pretty much 12 years. After I got married and had my 1st daughter all of a sudden we talked to each other 3 or 4 times a year. Then 2 years ago I moved back by her....we hung out a couple times. I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter...she was at the hospital for my delivery. I saw her one more time when my baby was about 2 or 3 months old. She will be 1 next month. I tried sending her an email in November saying that I wanted to get together. That was 4 months ago. I recently decided that for whatever reason we changed as people and grew apart...our priorities changed and we just wern't compatible as friends anymore. I now have 1 good girl friend in my life...my best friend. Who's name just happens to be the same as mine...Rachel. She has a personality just like mine. I believe that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. :)
Vicki - posted on 01/28/2010
Wow I felt I was the only one who felt that way. I was totally wrong. I've been friends with this girl since freshman year in high school, so about 21 years. After having my son it felt she didn't have the time for me anymore. People would tell me she was just giving you your space, but I really needed my best friend. She has time for her other friends who now have children of their own. I don't know what I ever did to upset her. We will be moving soon and not sure how to approach and find out if there was something I did to upset her. Any suggestions?
Kelly - posted on 01/27/2010
Hang in there. Since being a mother, most of my friends are people I have met through my kids' activities, such as sports or dance. I know that doesn't help with a baby, but real soon you will be able to take little one to the park, etc. and maybe meet some other ladies that way. But you could also try church. Not that you go to church for the social connections, but it is a perk! Good luck, and don't worry, it will get better!
Stephanie - posted on 01/27/2010
my big problem is I moved from the town where grew up 2 years ago. Had my baby last Sept and haven't had time to make friends in the new state. sigh.... apart from my husband and the folks he works with, I am alone.... But it will be ok.... there has got to be a way to make friends out there!
Amanda - posted on 01/27/2010
I totally feel like that. I moved to a new city and got pregnant right away and never met anyone, so i need to find a way to meet new people in my community that are around the same age as me and that have kids.
Samantha - posted on 01/27/2010
totally agree, but idf you haven't noticed having babies is "IN" all the magazines at walmart used to be about the latest news and glamour, beauty, sex, drugs, but I look and see all the new mommies, so you know what we got our kids and our life changes, and I llook at it like this- having a baby matures the mind ALOT- in most cases... and if your friends ditch you then they still have some maturing to do.
Michelle - posted on 01/27/2010
Give your friends a chance. You just made a major change to the dynamics of your friendship. YOU changed the bond and now THEY have to decide how to proceed. You will likely lose some of them although maybe not for ever. But the ones who stick through it are true friends to be cherished. Your friends that don't have children don't know what you are going through and are likely confused as to where they now fit into your life. Don't close them off but instead give them time.
Years ago when my best friend had her first daughter I felt like she didn't have time or space for me in her life. I felt like a third wheel. But I held on to our were friendship. We drifted apart a little at first because I couldn't understand her new life. Eventually we found a new bond and today our friendship is stronger then before.
Just love those that are important to you. Try to be patient and remember you changed things for them too.
Sara - posted on 01/27/2010
Well, my friends all had kids before me so no....now we just have more to talk about when we DO get to see eachother(which is rare but it makes those times all the more special). But I do kinda know what you mean but from the other point of view. My first close friend to have a baby really changed and it was actually her that pulled away from me. Having kids can make or break your other relationships. If people don't want to be friends with you just because you have a kid then they must not've been very good friends to begin with. I would move on and look for other mothers to be friends with! Watch when those friends have kids of their own they will be back wanting to hang out. I would then treat them the same way they treated me. But that's just me.
Maggie - posted on 01/27/2010
To everyone that feels like Jessica I have felt that way too, you really have to start evaluating your friendships and start new ones that have more in common with your life stye. A lot of my friends are not pregnant or have kids and I thought well I have my family but its not the same. I had to get out there in the community, find activities that were based for kids because then I could socialize with other mothers. So my advice is get out there find new friends that share the same life style as you, don't throw your other friends away though they'll call once in awhile and it will be nice just to catch up.
Kelly - posted on 01/27/2010
its funny my oldest is 16 when i had her my friends thought she has no life and poof they were gone now they have young ones and want everything to do with me but poof dont need ya not a true friends huh
Christa - posted on 01/27/2010
I feel like when I left school I lost all my friends and now I’m 19 with a 2 year old married and having another baby and all I do is sit at home I have no friends but I do have family to talk to but really its not the same I would like to have someone to just hang out with
Mell - posted on 01/26/2010
Yes i know what you mean! I never really understood how it would effect my relationship with girlfriends but i do now noone seems to have time for me because i have to go to the parents room so many times while trying to have a coffee etc and every once in a while i will get a message but it would be nice to have a friend that has a child around the same age so they kinda understand what your day is like or that its not that easy just to pop to the shops. So did you have alot of friends before you fell pregnant?
Nikki - posted on 01/26/2010
I have the opposite , but not in the way you'd want EVERYONE wants to see my son 24/7, I wish I could just hide away, noone gets how tired I am or that i enjoy some solitude once in awhile and a couple times I have gone out to see friends and left my son with my husband and they flip out, its like I dont exist all they want is to see him. When I was pregnant and off work my phone would never ring now I get harassing messages demanding they have time to play with him
Amanda - posted on 01/26/2010
I totally agree! I felt like that even when I was pregnant...most of my girlfriends were more interested finding cute guys to hook up with and go out drinking than hanging out or talking to me. Some of them asked me to go to the bar with them but who wants to go to a bar when you feel like a whale! Its hard now to find common ground with them. I need ideas for meeting moms in my community because I just moved to a new city and barely know anyone as it is!