feeling beat down by father of child

Alex - posted on 12/10/2017 ( 12 moms have responded )

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He constantly belittles me. I don't even know where to start. My fiance and I just had to relocate back to TN after he lost his job in AR. Right now we are staying with my parents. Fiance has a new job and we are saving up to get us a place to live. My daughter lives with me, I have full custody. I'm a sahm. She's 3. anyway, I asked her father to please send a few pull ups (still potty training) to last me til I can buy some tomorrow. because I sent my last bunch of them when she went over there. He then proceeds to tell me this.. "Let me tell you something. First of all I don't have to talk to you unless we are meeting to exchange her or unless you are checking on her. You're not my damn gf thank god, therefore I have no business contacting your crazy ass. I'll pack a few pullups, but it's not my job to provide for you. so meet at the scheduled time, or miss out on another week with our daughter."..... he then told me I'm lazy scum and a bunch of other insults. He constantly makes me feel like a bad mom because I raise her at home right now. He uses his girlfriends against me too, making me feel like they are better moms to my daughter. I have depression on top of all this and he is my main trigger. I just feel so crappy. I don't know the reason for posting this, I guess I just needed to vent. Do any of you moms ever go through something similar?

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Michelle - posted on 12/11/2017

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If he is moving away you need to back to court and sort out who is responsible for driving to where handover will be. Get everything spelled out in court documents so he can't just change his mind when he feels like it.
He is abusive and to get the upper hand you need legal papers.

Tammy Sue - posted on 12/11/2017

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@Alex, sorry for what you are going through. I'm a little confused. You said you have full custody but he threatened that you would miss out on a week with your daughter if you don't comply with his demands. He sounds like a bully. Do you have any kind of support network. You mentioned that you are living with your parents. It seems to me that you do need to break off all unnecessary communication with your EX. As long as you make requests of him (pull-ups) that gives him ammunition to abuse you. I would recommend that you find help and support from family, friends or a local church. And don't let him depress you. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

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Alex - posted on 01/01/2018

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Hello, thanks for responding. I hope you had a wonderful holiday season and New Year.

Yes I have depression and he knows. I go to counseling, take medication and I do really well usually. except when he triggers me. I have ceased communication with him unless it has to do with Skylar and it's only about meeting times. I have just decided to meet him where he says for now. I am working on writing up a parenting plan to send to the judge or whoever I send it to. And then I will go from there.

Lyndi - posted on 12/18/2017

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I'm sorry that you are going through this. There will always be those people in our lives who just want to tear us down but you need to know who you are and love yourself. Do you feel that you are being a good mom by staying home with your child? Do you think you should be working instead? Only you can decide what's right for you and your child. Don't allow others opinions, not facts, dictate who you are. Words can hurt, but that doesn't make them a fact. You can choose what you let into your heart. If it's true, edifying and good then let it in. If it's lies and negative then don't let it in. Choose hope and life over death and lies.

Ev - posted on 12/15/2017

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""Oh my, if you are sole custodian and he has standard visitation, then you *should* have no responsiblity nor requirement to meet him anywhere but at your home for the start and end of his visitation. If he moves 5, 10, 20, 2000 miles away then it should be on him to get her at your home for the start and end."
Mary--she does not have a custody agreement. She has a visitation and child support agreement. When my ex and I had the agreement I had to get the kids and return them from visits--yes, I had the lesser amount of time with the kids by a choice I made for their benefit. The judge added in a clause that if I had any issues with getting the kids or returning them then he had to make sure I had my time with them. Yes, there were a few times he did come get them and even bring them. There was a point that the weekends he was supposed to have I got because of some major issues with his second wife.

"Double check your divorce agreement and make sure of the language, if there is any, about pick up and drop off or check with an attorney to get clarification on the state guidelines for pick up and drop off in your state.""
Mary--it is usual for the non-custodial parent to have to transport the kids to and from the home of the custodial parent. In a lot of cases the judge can be willing to work out something with the parents if parents are agreeable on things.

"And "meet me half way or i'm suing for custody," do me a favor and promise that next time he says that you just start laughing because no judge in his or her right mind would agree to that under normal circumstances ... however if you truly do suffer from depression and he's aware of that, it changes the custody dynamic completely.

Given that, if he threats you with that again I'd *strongly* recommend that you laugh at him because doing so will probably piss him off and he'll "give you his tell" so to speak and let you in on what it is he's really planning, he'll prob say something like "oh you think its funny? Wait till the judge finds out about your depression..." blah blah blah. It may hurt to hear what he says but try not to react all because you're really tricking him for information..."
Mary--the above paragraphs are bad advise....laugh in his face?! That would make the whole issue worse. You just say what has to be said and move on not egg on the person to trick them for information......

""As far as his behavior with the pullups, my suggestion is this, if you want to hear him greiving and moaning about things, then keep asking for favors like that otherwise do as the other moms have said and cease as much communication with him as much as you can. You can make the appropriate decision on how to react when he asks for something but never agree to a special request if you think doing so will change his behavior because it will not. Do it because when you feel it's the right thing to do for your child and there absolutely nothing wrong with saying no. ""
Mary--This is alright advice but have you ever been divorced with custody?"

Sschenkel2 - posted on 12/14/2017

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I am so sorry you have to deal with his belittling. You do not deserve to be treated that way. I understand because my ex- used to tell me that I was not even half the woman that his girlfriend was. He made me feel so inadequate. My relief from my own guilt and feelings of inadequacy of being a mom came through Christian counseling, surrounding myself with loving friends and family, DivorceCare, and reading books about my situation. Have you ever read Leslie Vernick's "Emotionally Destructive Relationship" You might want to check it out at http://bit.ly/2Bp6WBn.. Hope this helps.

Mary - posted on 12/14/2017

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Oh my, if you are sole custodian and he has standard visitation, then you *should* have no responsiblity nor requirement to meet him anywhere but at your home for the start and end of his visitation. If he moves 5, 10, 20, 2000 miles away then it should be on him to get her at your home for the start and end. Double check your divorce agreement and make sure of the language, if there is any, about pick up and drop off or check with an attorney to get clarification on the state guidelines for pick up and drop off in your state.

And "meet me half way or i'm suing for custody," do me a favor and promise that next time he says that you just start laughing because no judge in his or her right mind would agree to that under normal circumstances ... however if you truly do suffer from depression and he's aware of that, it changes the custody dynamic completely.

Given that, if he threats you with that again I'd *strongly* recommend that you laugh at him because doing so will probably piss him off and he'll "give you his tell" so to speak and let you in on what it is he's really planning, he'll prob say something like "oh you think its funny? Wait till the judge finds out about your depression..." blah blah blah. It may hurt to hear what he says but try not to react all because you're really tricking him for information...

How bad is the depression? Are you seeking counseling on a regular basis, been admitted to a hospital, taking medication? That's important.

As far as his behavior with the pullups, my suggestion is this, if you want to hear him greiving and moaning about things, then keep asking for favors like that otherwise do as the other moms have said and cease as much communication with him as much as you can. You can make the appropriate decision on how to react when he asks for something but never agree to a special request if you think doing so will change his behavior because it will not. Do it because when you feel it's the right thing to do for your child and there absolutely nothing wrong with saying no.

(My husband is a lawyer :) And best of luck and please keep us informed

Michelle - posted on 12/12/2017

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None of us want it to get to that stage but unfortunately it does but it is better for everyone involved. It means that each party knows where they stand and what is happening. It gives the child structure as well.

Alex - posted on 12/11/2017

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He does pay child support. 200 a month. We currently do not have a legal parenting plan written out. It's just standard visitation. I am the sole custodial parent. and yes I agree we both have equal responsibility financially. However I always have helped him out when he needed it. this was the first time I asked for help from him outside of child support. oh and by the way, he constantly tells me I "ruined his life" by filing for child support. The bullying just never ends. It is looking like I am going to have to go to court, get an official parenting plan (because he threatens to keep her away from me when she visits him), and establish a reasonable meeting place. I never wanted it to come to this.

Sarah - posted on 12/11/2017

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I agree. Do you have a court ordered support amount? Does he have any parenting time or is it solely at your discretion? And I mean legally, not just because you say so; but a judge made you the sole physical and legal custodian? You are both obligated to support and unless deemed unfit you are both entitled to parent.

Alex - posted on 12/11/2017

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I do have full custody. But since some of his family was visiting from another state for the holidays, I told him she could go over there for a week. We met yesterday, and he told me he was moving 70 miles away so we would have to start meeting an hour and a half away, or he would try to get full custody of her. I know, sounds ridiculous. He literally has a control issue. anyway, my mother did pick up some pull ups for me thankfully. I paid her back this morning. I just didn't want to ask her to get them because it's not her job. She's already letting us stay with her until we get back on our feet.
He does bully me, often. If I could break off all communication with him I would. But I can't :/

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