Feeling guilty!!

Julia - posted on 02/28/2013

Hi!

I love your post!
Since you love housework and cooking, please share your secret joy so maybe my husband can be as happy and hardworking as yours!

Thank You!

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Marissa - posted on 11/02/2008

You have to make a decision to drop the guilt. You ARE doing the most important thing for your family, creating a safe, nurturing, beautiful haven for your child and husband. You underestimate your role as a wife and stay home mom when you give into guilt. The best thing you can give your husband is your devotion to his well being and the well being of your child in the role you've chosen. Have you considered that your feelings of guilt about the tight finances and your discussion about getting a job to "help" could come across to your husband that you think he's not doing enough to provide for you? Men need to feel needed, admired, and appreciated. If he's taking extra jobs and not asking you, not complaining to you to take a job to assist financially, have you considered that he takes pride in doing what it takes to provide for you? It's hard to live pay check to pay check, it's stressful to wonder how bills are going to be paid, but don't take away your husband's pride, don't emasculate him by trying to find a job to supplement his income. Especially if he wants you home. I assume since you've had discussions about this, that you two share a good communicative relationship. Just love that man, show him how much you appreciate his efforts, brag on him, let him hear you talk about his wonderful dedication to your lifestyle. Be content with what you have, learn to ignore the "Joneses"--laugh at your setbacks. Don't be afraid to be joyful. Don't be afraid to be grateful. You can't be a good wife and mother if you're consumed by guilt over the choices you've made. You're doing the most important work a woman can do for her husband and children...and if it comes easy for you and you enjoy it, all the better. Drop the guilt. It only makes you a bitter martyr. It's fine and unfortunately all too rare, to be a joyful wife and mother.

Samantha - posted on 11/02/2008

Being a mother is the most important job anyone could ever do. You're doing what you believe is best for your family, and so is your partner. You're a team and both doing your equal share ♥



I am staying home with my baby, and future babies until they are all in school because that's what I personally believe is the best for them - and we're considering home ed, too. The society we live in makes us feel that our contribution isn't valid unless it brings in £ or $ but we all know in our hearts that's nonsense, right?

Teresa - posted on 11/02/2008

I feel being a mother, you feel guilty if you stay at home, not only because of your husband, but also by other mothers who work out, basically in your own mind. If you worked out you would feel guilty by your children, because you are leaving them. In today's world, it cost almost as much as you would make if no formal education to work out verses staying home, from clothes, lunches, transportation and especially childcare. My sister-in-law alone with 3 small girls at the time was spending close to over $200 in child care a week before her girls went to school. I have been a stay-at-home mom ever since my son who is 22 years old now was born (I am a mother of four). I went to work a couple of times over the years, but over all have been home most of the time. My husband is a dairy farmer and I keep up things around the farm, as well as bookkeeping. In the summer I am very busy, but during the winter, the outside chores slow down for me and I, too also deal with guilt. Though I deal with this whether by other mothers or toward him (in my own mind), I wouldn't trade being at home with my kids for anything. I only regret the times I did work out or was to busy working around the farm to be with them. No one else was raising my kids, but me. You can't get these years back. As long as you can get by and stay at home, your child needs you, no one else! They grow up very quickly, take my word for it!

Sarah - posted on 11/02/2008

I used to feel guilty about being a SAHM, but not anymore. In exchange for 'room, board, meals' etc, (joke between my husband and I) I keep the kids fed, clean, healthy, and all that. Plus I get to record all of their milestones, which is something I don't think a day care facility would do.
I am, however, looking for a part time seasonal job so I can put Christmas money away. But I am looking for something that will allow me to work during the day when my husband is home. I am also starting school to finish my degree so he can become the SAH parent.

Trish - posted on 11/02/2008

Oh boy !! I can relate. I am currently a stay at home mom and have been off and on since our oldest (8 yrs old) was born. The guilty feeling doesn't ever really go away but it does get a little easier as they get older. The thing is that sometimes it just wont work with child care. In my oppinion it is better to stay home with your child to be with her than to pay for someone else to watch her and not profit from any of the money your making because it all goes to the cost of the child care. reminding yourself of that makes it a little easier also. I am going on 28 years old and my two boys will both finally be in full day school next year so at that point I will go back to school and help out a bit more. Bottom line is don't feel too guilty because your husband wants you there and your daughter needs you there and fighting with the guilty feelings when yu know it is more cost effective to stay home will just drive you crazy.

I had fought with the same feelings numerous times over the last 8 years and went back to work a few times only to prove to myself that it really didn't work for us. Hang in there.

Sarah - posted on 11/01/2008

I believe that raising a child/children is the most important work that we can ever do. I also feel guilty, but then I remind myself that I too am working. How lucky are we if we get to have a job that we truely love, housework and child rearing included. With child care being so expensive, why would we want to pay some one else to do a job that we love to do and will do better because they are our children. Our jobs as stay at home parents is just as valuable.

Bonnie - posted on 11/01/2008

Don't feel guilty!!! The more time spent feeling guilty the less quality time with that beautiful baby, cause your mind is elsewhere. Sounds like a great husband and if he wants you home with the baby as much as you want to be there...eat it up!! Hey your a lucky mom. Besides ladies would any of us really change our jobs for what some people call "real" jobs? Can't get more "real" than being a mom. Don't get me wrong mad props to working mothers, but I couldn't do it anymore. No amount of money is more satisfying than all those poopy, pukey, snot dripping, drooling little munchkins we call our children :) The thing I love the most is when my husband will say to me that he couldn't do all the things I do on his own. If anything ever happened to me he would have to hire a nanny. lol that is priceless.

Courtney - posted on 10/31/2008

There are alot of reasons to not not feel guilty. He may bring home a paycheck, but you are working with out a paycheck. Being a stay at home mom doesn't mean that you're not working. I have two girls 7 and 3 and a 2yr old boy. I also homeschool my kids and take classes on line. With five of us, my job doesn't stop. Not to mention that for me to work it would be like me working to cover daycare. I was working when my second daughter was 6 months old. I picked her up from daycare and she had a huge scratch across the side of her head nad they told me they didn't know, then said that a plastic saucer bumped her head. I had the same sauser at my house, I know that scratch did not come from that. I have been a stay at home mom ever since. I have never felt guilty for keeping my kids safe.

Tina - posted on 10/31/2008

I don't have advice because I don't feel guilty,lol. Just thought I'd make you laugh.

There's nothing better than being home with my babies : )

Liz - posted on 10/31/2008

I totally understand. I feel guilty about it too sometimes and my husband and I have also talked it over. We've basicly come to the conclusion that I would end up having to work just for the child care costs alone and it's just not worth it. Luckily, we are pretty well taken care of and we never want for anything. I just try and count the many blessings that I do have and try not to focus so much on what I don't have (besides, focusing on what you don't have isn't very likely to change anyting anyway). :-)

Tanya - posted on 10/31/2008

Hi there i know how you feel, i am a stay at home mom to a four month old. I think that you just need to consider that child care is just too expensive to go back to work. What is the point going back to work just to pay for childcare when being home with your little one is so much more important for her and her development. I also thought about the childcare thing at home looking after other kids but i think it would be too much work for me at the moment. You and I are lucky in a way that our husbands don't care if we stay home. I would sit down again and do a budget and try to cut out some things i know that is hard but it can be done. Like if you have cable then get the cheapest package and with the phone look for the cheapest price.



Anyways hang in there!

Tanya

Jennifer - posted on 10/31/2008

Jaclyn,



Your husband supports you in your decision to stay home and that is key! I know it is easy to feel guilty about it when things are "tight". I just started staying home when our first son was 10 months old and although there are days when I want to pull my hair out and don't feel that I am contributing to the bottom line...I look at my boys and realize I am right where I was intended to be and we are right in the decision that we made. No one will love and care for your child like you do, and the years go to fast. If you haven't already, I HIGHLY suggest joining a MOPS club. They are typically pro-active, like minded women whom are doing exactly what you are doing. The meetings are organized in a way where you have fellowship, key note speakers focusing on "Family", and by joining together with other like minded women...you won't feel so alone, or guilty :) It is a great Mommy and Me group, and they typically even have a coiuple of events every year where the Daddy's come along. You bring your kiddos to the meeting where they are watched by fellow MOPS so that you have 2 hours every other week to be "in the village" so to speak. YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND are doing a wonderful thing for your family...keep your eye on the ball. When it feels tight...challenge yourself to find ways to cut corners :) Have faith :)

Lesley - posted on 10/31/2008

You are doing a wonderful thing for your daughter. Think of all the moments you have shared with her. This a time for her that no amount of money will ever replace. You are not being selfish. On the flipside, you are being unselfish because you are investing in her and not things. This is only one chapter in your life before you know it she'll be going to college! Then you can go back to work guilt free knowing that you've invested in a confident and loving young woman.

Sarah - posted on 10/30/2008

I maybe doing the hardest job on earth (making sure I turn out a responsible person for society) but it doesn't mean, we don't need to pay bills. We have cable and internet but it makes him happy and I have to work some how. We live in an apartment, we can't change the heat other then up or down. I don't buy clothes for me and I don't do luxuries.

I didn't mean to make it sound like he doesn't love her or that I am greedy. I just know with today's economy, if I don't keep up on the bills we will be on the street. I am a stay at home mom more out of nesesity than pleasure with Jon way from home so much. One of us needs to be there.

Youre right there isn't a price tag you can put on raising your kids. But being able to take some presure off my Jon as far as the bills go I will do it and I will make suggestions to other moms who feel guilty about staying home.

Sara - posted on 10/30/2008

You cannot put a price tag on the time you spend with your child. That time you spend with her for the few short years you have is worth every sacrifice. You are investing in something that has eternal value. I'm sure that your husband loves and values your daughter just as much as you do and therefore appreciates the time you spend loving on her and teaching her each day. We burn firewood for heat, don't have cable, use venison instead of beef, etc. to cut corners, but I figure that one day when I'm old, I'm not going to look back and wish I'd made more money or accumulated more "stuff"; instead I'm going to wish I had more time with my children. You are doing the most important (not to mention most difficult!) job in the world--your daughter is going to value your sacrifice one day!

Sarah - posted on 10/30/2008

My guilt comes from the fact that most of the bills we pay out every month are mine. I just graduated from University in May (month before Lilly was born) I didn't even try to find a job because who in the world would hire a pregnant chick? Well, luckily I studied something I could do from home. I am now a stay at home mom trying t cut it as a graphic designer and photographer.
Anyways, not to ramble, my Jon and I had to come to an understanding. He is gone for two to three weeks at a time and I feel horrible about driving an hour away just to work. He was trying to make me feel better and the only way he knows how to make me feel better is to buy things (things mostly for luxury or for my business). This made me feel worse. So, our understanding was, if it's not my birthday or Christmas we can't afford new toys. Now instead of buying me things that I want we try to save more money for a house or to pay down bills such as my schooling.
Something else I will start doing in December (to help with my school loan) is donating plasma. I can get up to $240 a month for it and its not counted as income. My biggest prayer is to getmy business off the ground and help support my family's needs.

Lauri - posted on 10/30/2008

Staying at home and taking care of the house and kids may not come with a paycheck but it does have a monetary value. On average insurance companies calculate the monetary value of caring for the home & family at $127,000/yr in a moderate region.



Also, there are lots of hidden expenses with dual income families - one ex: more doctor visits, due to more exposure to daycare germs. Another study I read said that unless you're making more than $57K/yr (again in a moderate region), after taxes, daycare costs, child related days off, etc and so on your family actually loses money.



It is not wrong to love what you do. Should people in the work force feel guilty for having a salary if they love what they do? No, people who love what they do tend to be more successful at what they do.

Jaclyn - posted on 10/30/2008

Thank you for all the wonderful words and thoughful suggestions....I guess I should have mentioned that I do take Saturday's to go do massage....I am a massage therapist....so that helps bring in a little bit of money...and I am lucky enough to have my mom and mother in law available to watch her every other Saturday! God bless them!! And like I said he is so wonderful about me staying at home, and it is usually me who eventually brings up how I am feeling. So if I could just forget about all the money and stress and just focuse on him and her then I know I would feel so much better. Apparently its a battle within me that I am fighting....more than likely the devil trying to make trouble where there really shouldn't be any!!! But it totally helps hearing your stories and realizing I am not the only one who feels this way. And I know that part of it is hormons....cuz it seems I feel the guilt the heaviest during that (not so fun after having children) time of the month! I wonder if there is something I could take just during that time when it feels the worst.....any suggestions on that??? Thanks again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mildred - posted on 10/30/2008

I felt the same way. My daughter was born 3 months premature and stayed in the hospital for three months. In Jan., she came home and I stay home with her, but now she's one. My husband works 10-5, then he goes to class and I'm at home. When I start to feel guilty, I eventually talk to him. He says, staying home and taking care the family is "my part". I am not offended. He's right! I do contribute by taking care of the family. I am a very important part of our family !! Without me doing what I do, who knows what how things would be! It's the same for you.Be happy that you can stay at home!

What I do...Keep In mind that what I do is important in the running of our home. I also started working from home with Work at Home United which helps me feel better, because I am bringing in some income to the family. www.workathomeunited.com/akintundem

Sarah - posted on 10/30/2008

Jaclyn, you are doing the most important job on earth. Without mothers, some of the most important people in history would have never reached their potential.



Now, by today's standards, SAHMs are not valued the way they should be. We should all be working full time jobs, have happy, well-dressed children, well-fed, happy and satisfied husbands and still have spare time for personal spa treatments and fully finished scrapbooks.



Well, I don't know about you but I am pretty amazing, and I don't have half of that done.Sometimes I am lucky to shave my legs on a regular basis.



So, with all of that said, the time you are spending with your child is priceless. You are providing her with the security she needs to live a productive and happy life. What is that worth to you? As a mom, I can tell you that the money you would be bringing in will not suffice to cover the need she has for you.



It sounds like you husband is working very hard for his family, and truly, it is your job to work very hard for your family as well, rearing your children, making a happy and healthy home, providing for all of the needs that you would have to pay someone else to do if you were working.



You are doing God's work, Jaclyn. Stick with it and see what blessings He will show you. Next time you feel guilty, just remember that you are doing exactly what you should be and aren't you lucky that you enjoy it!!



Good luck!

Julie - posted on 10/30/2008

Your baby will only be a baby for a little while. Enjoy the time you have with her. Keep encouraging your husband and telling him what a wonderful husband and dad he is and how proud you are of him for taking care of you and your daughter. You may not get paid $$ for being at home but your job as a mom is super important! No one else can love her like you can. You are raising a little human being that will some day look back and realize the sacrifices her parents have made for her. Keep having fun with your daughter!

Shelley - posted on 10/30/2008

OH Ladies, I was in this same boat, in 2005 my daughter just about to turn one, My Boss, ( Insurance ) was bugging me to come back to work.... I could not find a daycare that would take a child under 18 m old. I looked into day homes.... I was use to making my own money. The thought of not bring that in was very scary to me. I started looking on the internet for work at home JOBS, Well that was a laugh. Then I started with Home base Business, Well I did alot of Research, Made sure I found something that helped and suited me. I have been with my Home Base Business for over 5 years. I do not Sell products, I am not a sells person LOL, I do not have to leave my home making Deliveries, I do not do any Accounting, ( order taking etc... ) I love it. So I am making the income that I want too. Gives me the options to advance at my own pace... I love it.



If anyone wants more information, email me shelleyshannon@shaw.ca



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Alissa - posted on 10/30/2008

I also feel the same guilt. To help, I made part of my job saving us money. I clip coupons, find the cheapest gas station, keep the electric bill low, and find the best bargains for the things we need. I feel like I'm easing the tension on my husband by lowing our monthly expenses, and it's almost like getting a pay raise!

Jen - posted on 10/30/2008

I stay home also. I have 4 kids but two of them are in school, kindergarten and first. My two at home are 4 and 9mo. I guess i don't feel guilty staying home because i feel being a stay home mom is harder work then it is going to a job. I love staying home, but i do at times feel upset becasue then my husband thinks that's my job and then dosen't help out much. It's gets crazy around here at times and need his help. I sometimes wish he was more involved. Don't feel guilty you have a big job and your working hard to be a great mom. Time gose so fast enjoy them while their little they grow up way too fast you have time work out side the home when they get older. Sounds like your doing a great job keep it up!!

Becca - posted on 10/30/2008

Its a hard place top be. I have 2 yr old twins and a 6 and 8 yrold, I have this feeling all the time... no matter how much work we do around the house it doesn't bring in any money. We feel like we aren't contributing or at least best way I can explain it from my end.



Sometimes I think also with things being tight and family looking at half the picture it makes it even harder because there are times when you are made to feel lazy cause you are home with the kids.



Can't win but we will get through. just make sure to keep honest and open with hubby.

Laura - posted on 10/30/2008

Don't feel guilty. The fact that you enjoy your "job" as a stay at home mom does not mean that it is any less important than the job your husband does outside of the house.

Cheryl - posted on 10/30/2008

It's absolutely ok to be happy being a stay at home mom!! He's NOT doing all the work. He may be the one getting a paycheck, but you are working plenty hard. It sounds like your husband appreciates that fact. This is something I'm very passionate about......Often times people around us make us feel like we "just stay at home with our kids". ARE THEY CRAZY!! :) I worked when my older two were little and now I have two more, who are 3 and 4, that I get to stay home with. Our job is 24/7, 365 days a year with no vacation or sick days! It's the hardest job you'll ever do, but the most rewarding by far. With the cost of daycare, why pay someone else to care for your child when you may end up coming out a few dollars ahead, if that. You also have to consider that you would have to have wardrobe, money for lunches, gas money, etc. to work outside your home. You're exactly where you should be!!



All that being said, I do understand were your coming from. I felt that way too. I'm not really sure why. I guess I just felt I needed to be contributing something financially. I ended up looking for a home based business and have been doing that for 4 years. I still get to be here for all of the kids and go to school functions, etc. and be here when they're sick, but I still am able to contribute to the household income. It's been a process, but I make enough now to cover the house payment every single month. My husband's job is seasonal, so my income has ended up coming in very handy. Have you thought about doing something like that?

Mandy - posted on 10/30/2008

I feel that way too sometimes. The only thing that sets me straight is the fact that we live 47 miles from town so it wouldn't be worth me working because of gas prices. I feel being a stay at home mom is a gift. So enjoy it because those kids grow up fast. Also if I believe that a husband is the head of the family so you can be the heart. If your not happy then it sets a tone for the rest of your family. Mandy

Patricia - posted on 10/30/2008

Have you looked into volunteering? It may ease your guilt and will get you out of the house. You can even get to take your daughter with you!

I stay at home as well, and we live paycheck to paycheck, but there aren't a whole lot of things we need, because I am so happy and lucky to be able to stay home. I don't feel guilty (anymore), but feel privliged!

Tina - posted on 10/30/2008

Sometimes it is hard for stay at home moms to not feel guilty but you have to remember that what you are doing is a full time job as well, even if you enjoy it.

Oliva - posted on 10/30/2008

I also know exactly how you feel. I am a stay at home mom of 3 kids, 2 girls 9 & 7, and a 2yr old boy. I worked full time when it was just us and the girls and when my son came along my husband did some job searching so that we could afford for me to stay at home. I have felt guilty so many times. My husband works all the time and also does jobs on the side. Shortly after becoming a stay at home mom I even thought about getting a part time job. But daycare is so expensive it wouldn't be worth it. I would be working to pay for daycare. I was very fortunate that a friend of mine asked me if I would like to work in the church nursery. I decided to look into it and found that I would be able to take my children to work with me if I needed to, plus make a little extra money. I work in the nursery around 12hrs a week. I enjoy it so much because I'm able to stay at home with my kids, but also make a little extra money and feel like I am contributing a little financially. There may be churches or other facilities in your area that could use help in their nurseries. As far as feeling guilty, I think that comes with being a stay at home mom! We are blessed to be able to stay home with our children and all though we work so hard, we still feel like we don't do enough and could do more. I wish I could give the answer on how to fix it....Maybe one of these days we'll figure it out right?!

Tashia - posted on 10/29/2008

I understand how you feel i'm a stay at home of 2 kids a 4 year old and 3 year old and i'm pregnant with our third i always feel guilty about staying at home but then when i say someting about it he says you save us alot of money by staying at home i was working for 2 years and then i stop cause it was to much trying to get the kids to the sitter and then there's only one car and he has to work to so it was hard so i had to stop but now i want to so mad go and get a job because kids are going to school next year but i will still have a new baby at home again but dont feel guilty if he wont let you baby-sit while he's there just do it while he's at work and make it where your done by the time he gets off because somebody always need a baby sitter if it's that bad then you wont feel so bad all the time

Julie - posted on 10/29/2008

Don't feel guilty. Childcare is expensive and it is important to be there for your child or children. There are too many people who have children and after two months go back to work full time or more. I use to work with preschoolers and miss it but the pay wasn't great. If I went back everything I make would go to paying someone to watch my 17 month old daughter. Plus young children around a lot of other young children are constantly getting sick. I do watch some children a couple hours a week at their houses but don't want to do anything from my house because of daycare lisencing expenses and liability insuranc. I think it is unfortunate that people feel their two year olds should be in preschool full time. You are doing the right thing and don't feel guilty. Sometimes I write down a list of all the things I did that day or new things my daughter did.

Hillary - posted on 10/29/2008

I am in the same boat... my husband if constantly working and we are barely making it however we've talked about it and did some research and it would be pointless for me to go to work because of daycare costs. We have twin daughters so every price doubles. Right now I have some resumes out but they are all for places that will pay over $10/hr... that's the only way we could possibly be any better. Right now though, the way the economy is, its gonna be VERY hard to find a job that pays decent. If you have a relative or someone who would do it for free or for cheap, that may work out. Good luck on everything!

Brittney - posted on 10/29/2008

I know how you feel. I do the same thing, I have fallen inlove with doing house work, and playing with these girls, and just being home! I understand. I also have a husband in the Military so he isnt home a lot. He is overseas right now so we havent seen him since may but when he was home, I felt guilty and I do now but at the same time, Daycare is expensive. We run numbers all the time also and we save a little with me staying home. I wish I had more to say but I know exactly how you feel.