Feeling Lost

Misty - posted on 10/10/2010 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I'm not really good with this whole thing, but I'm going to put myself out there and hope to not get ripped apart...

I am a 23 year old mother. I have a 2 month old baby boy, and a 4 year old daughter. My husband is military, and we are currently living in Germany. Since I had my daughter I have spent much time in a sense feeling stuck at home.
My husband is a traditional style Mexican that prefers a woman to stay home with the kids. I did a lot with my life before I met my husband, and now I feel as if all of "me" has been dumped into the trash to tailor to everyone else.
Doing nothing with me makes me feel torn apart on the inside. I love my husband, and I love my family. Please do not get me wrong.
Since my husband is the sole provider financially, I am the type of wife that does not like to do things unless he is okay with it. I tend to not go do things, buy things, or anything like that unless he's okay with it.
This however, has led me down the path of what seems to have lost me the most. I used to volunteer, I used to be very social, very active. I love sports, I love dancing, I love parties. I love to do thing's.

I have recently learned just how much I don't do anymore. As a military spouse there are squadron groups. These groups do a variety of things. Events for care packages, social gatherings...etc. There is also the PTA, plus there are playgroups. Well, since we are also a one car family, these are thing's I do not do. I am not part of any groups, I don't really know anyone personally, I'm not close with anyone, and I spend most of my time at home, or out shopping alone.

For the past 4/5 years I have begun to feel very lost in my own life. It's difficult for me to make new friends, and when I do meet people it's the type of friendships that feel more like the occassional get together. There are ppl I talk to frequently online, but once in a blue moon see in person. It's not the type of friendships where you call up and go out to coffee and chit chat. They are friendships that usually have a desired purpose and planned events.

Have any of you ladies felt like you've totally lost yourself? Do any of you feel like you've become nothing more then the wife and the mother? I stay home, I cook, I clean, I tend to the needs of my husband, my son, and my daughter. And lately, I don't even feel that I'm a great mother or wife any more. I don't take my kid to playgroups, we don't have a local park we can walk to. I don't drive her to the park on base. There's so many don't's in my life that I wonder what happened. I used to take my daughter outside to play in the pool. I used to sit and watch shows with her. Take her for walks to the mail box or up the street...

I've lost myself, I've lost my luster, I've lost my drive to be happy and my drive of a great mom...

I need help to get back into being more then the bump on the log that cleans and does homework all the time. My life is about my family...but it needs to be about me too so that I can also become better at being with my family.

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Emma - posted on 10/12/2010

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I know how you feel,
I sometimes feel like putting up missing posters as i feel like ive been lost and been replaced with this mommy/wife person who looks just like me .

Laura - posted on 10/10/2010

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Candy and Misty, you both need to get out. You cannot take care of your family if you aren't taking care of yourselves. Misty you sound very depressed and I would recommend some counseling. They have it on base. I don't know if you live on base, but you definately need to get involved in the groups. When i was a military wife and my husband was deployed my life saver was the wives club. It got me out of the house and socializing. If your husband doesn't like you doing things that isn't good either and he may need to change his thinking especially if you are so sad. He needs to realize that for you to be the best mom/wife you can be you need time for yourself. Anyone can get care giver burn out and it sounds very much like you do. Candy you also need to get out. Can you take a part time job? Definately, get your hobbies back in action. Something I did was began my own business. I am a beauty and color consutlant with Mary Kay. Many direct sales businesses are inexpensive to start and flexible to work around the family. It's a thought. I do understand how you feel. I also have a very traditional husband who wanted me home for the kids. I also felt like I wasn't anyone but my children's mom or the wife. I went into counseling and learned that when you do nothing but give and no one fills you up again you get to the point you are burned out and have nothing left to give. Let me know what happens.

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Kat - posted on 10/21/2010

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Misty, I hear you about being lost. I think we as women are so much to everyone else that we all lose ourselves at various points in our lives. We go on like this for a while, until we slowly come to the realization that we don't recognize the person we've become. Then we work furiously to get back our own interests and lives. Not that our children and husbands aren't important, they are. But they are all living lives where they are at the center of the universe. Meanwhile, moms orbit around them, catering to their needs and wants and putting off their own happiness until later. I'm happy to hear that you have realized that all of the things that used to make you an individual have somehow disappeared from you life and are ready to get them back again. You mention that you have friends on the internet that you talk to regularly and not really in real life. I know it's a challenge, but you need to find at least one good friend that you meet with for coffee and see in person. The internet is just not the same. Luckily, you are surrounded by women in the same exact position as yourself. You are all there, away from your families and friends, and I'm sure that you are all looking for the same thing. :) Hang in there! It sounds like you have a very loving relationship with your husband and this is just a small bump in the road.

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As you see Misty, you are not alone at all. So many of us get lost in our homes and children, only to discover one day, that we are lost ourselves. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing......it means you really wanted to be a good wife and mom....you threw yourself wholeheartedly into the task. and that's says something very good about you. But now you have to throw that effort into something for you. Just pick one thing......just for you. Tomorrow, just do one thing that is for you. Then do it again. and again. Next thing you know, it will be a habit. It can be something simple.......maybe there is a book you always wanted to read. Maybe you always loved photography. Maybe you feel at peace most out in nature. But just do something. Isn't it exciting? You are about to discover something wonderful, lovely and new......YOU! You are NOT lost.....you are still in there somewhere, you just have to coax that fabulous person out into the world again. Don't worry about making friends right now. Just focus on working on yourself. When you feel good again, when you are full of life and love again, people will naturally be drawn to you. It may take time, but it will come. Most of us have been there and lived to tell the tale. If you need more motivation.......your children will surely reap the benefits of time spent with a mom who is healthy and whole. It will be good for them to see you as more than just mommy.

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Lately I had feelings like this but to remedy this I've signed up to start orking towards a degree in criminology and psychological studies online. I already make sure I get out plenty during the week by taking my son to mother and baby groups and I've made some local friends with babies which helps too!

Cindi - posted on 10/21/2010

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I am also a military wife and mother and have been for 16 years. I agree with the other moms that you really need to get out more. I think the PTA is a great idea and joining one of the spouse clubs is a great way to meet people too. It sounds like you do not live on base, but is there a way that you could drive your husband to work some days? I would suggest you try to put some trust into a sitter, because YOU are the most important person here, meaning if you don't take time for yourself and take care of yourself then how are you suppose to take care of your family. I am not sure if they cover Germany, but www.sittercity.com is a site with a listing of babysitters and most of them have a background check done. It cost to join, but for military it is free! Go on the site and look for the military icon. If you are around a base then you will find most of the sitters are younger military spouses looking for extra income. Interview a few of them and go with your instincts. I know moving all the time can make it very hard to make new friends, but friends are definitely what you need. Maybe the spouse's club can provide that. Good luck and hang in there. Oh, and I do think you might need a therapist to talk to. Tell them you are there for you not your husband's shortcomings and if you don't get anything from it then stop. I think every SAHM feels this way at some point or another.

Misty - posted on 10/21/2010

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I have been coming out of my "funk: slowly; however I still feel missing. Some situations I have my husbands support (like with some of you I need his support)

I have not met new ppl here yet. Every time I meet people they are either set with who their friends are which makes it difficult. Even when they welcome me to join I still end up as the extra wheel. I've seriously hung out with someone who asked me to go do something with them and sat in the cr while they talk on the phone the whole time.

It's like I either lose friends cause I have kids or end up with friends who are barely there or not there.

How do you decide whats worth the fight with the options given? I talk to my hubby about it but he doesn't understand.

Never been great at meeting new people, and still not adjusted from the life I had to the life I have.

Will I ever adjust? Will I ever feel normal/sane/fully happy again? Feels as if I am no one with no one yet I'm a person with a husband and two kids...

Davina - posted on 10/12/2010

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I too know how you feel, I feel like I've lost my identity and my spirit. I was always so independent before I had my daughter, had a good job where I was respected and popular, had friends I saw regularly, earned my own money and never asked anybody for anything. Now we have moved to a new area which I love but I don't know anyone and feel totally lost. I feel like screaming I am not just a mom and a partner, I am me too!! My partner works away a lot but he probably would'nt understand anyway, I'm sure he thinks I just sit on my bum all day watching tv!

Rose - posted on 10/11/2010

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I too am going through this same thing . I was honest with my husband and told him I felt Like i don't know who I am anymore or that I don't have an identity separate from being "mom" wife" etc. He told me that I needed to find my own path and do what makes me happy as long as it doesn't detract from my duties at home. so with his encouragement I met some of the moms of my daughter's friends. Some I have really hit it off with and have become friends. and since they are SAH moms too we get each other out of the house at least once a week for "grown up" time. I am slowly finding my independence and voice again and it feels great. All of which I couldn't or wouldn't have done without my husband's support.

Misty - posted on 10/11/2010

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Thanks Christy! :) I think my husband in a way does keep me limited. But not by choice. I think it's just that we only have one car, and that we have kids. He likes when I'm home with him, and he hates having to ask ppl for anything.
I talked to him recently online, and I'm going to join this enlisted spouses group, and maybe the PTA. It has never been easy for me to make friends.
I feel judged in crowded rooms. The friends that I have had all disappear sooner or later. It takes a while for me to build friendships, but it seems it takes seconds to sweep them out from underneath me.
There are many issues going on in my brain that have stemmed from childhood and in one way or another grown or lingered in my mind. I was forced into counseling when I was a teenager because I was moody, and that just made me even more moody. I cannot talk to doctors about it in the military however, because even post partum depression they turn into your spouse is some how abusing or neglecting you. It's pathetic. This is all just lonely woman babble for a woman who once had dreams of successful careers and now my career lives in my pajamas yelling at children.
It's been an emotional summer for me. I went from having friends, working, traveling with my kids. To my husband deployed, my friends all turned to $#!^, I had a baby, my four year old became whinny and poorly behaved...everything has just pilled up to the point that I'm sitting here my 23rd birthday is a mere 2 hours away, my friends have all gone MIA, my husband is yet again deployed and I've got the case of the teary eyed woah's are me's...

I have my fazes...unfortunately this is the birthday blues I think.

Thank you ladies for listening and giving advice :) I do appreciate it. :)

Christy - posted on 10/10/2010

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Oh hon, I am so sorry you are going through all this, esp in a foreign country.

There are several things at play here that are making you feel this way. #1, you are young. You are still trying to figure out who you are, and at the same time you are trying to do this, you have small children and married on top of that. #2 You are isolated. Not only are you in Germany, but you seem to have limited yourself to some great opportunities to make friends there. My question about this is, is your husband limiting you? Does it seem he wants to isolate you from everyday society? Just from what you have written here, it SEEMS that way to me. Of course I could be wrong. #3 You have to be more social if you aren't limited by your husband or the one car situation. Military wives usually support one another. Reach out and don't limit yourself! When you are at playgroups or a get together for your kids, make a point of talking to at least 2 other moms at length. Ask them questions about themselves and their children, and listen (people lile to talk about themselves and their kids when asked). When responding, rephrase what they have told you for clarification verbally, so they know you are listening. Use their names periodically in conversation (ex: Wow, Kim. I never thought of it that way, etc). People also like to hear their names spoken, sounds weird but it's true. The best friends I have made are those that LISTEN. And don't be afraid to put yourself out there. It takes work. I am not a very social person but I have learned over the years that I have to do just that-put myself out there and talk to people to make friends. Finally #4, You may be depressed, caused by what is going on now, or it may be depression stemming from yourself making this whole situation harder for you. Maybe there is a shrink you can get evaluated by to be sure.

These are just ideas. I hope it works out for you. Keep me posted if you can! You are NOT alone.

Misty - posted on 10/10/2010

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I do not wish to do counseling, because I've had experiences where they try to turn it around and put it against my husband.

I do need to get out more, but its hard. My friends disappear quickly, and my husband deploys frequently. I dont trust many ppl with my kids, so that is hard too. I try to go out when my hubby is home to watch them, but its not so fun to go out alone.

I cant work part time because my hubby deploys a lot, I did a home based business ( Body Shop @ Home) which was great...but they closed down the at home division.

I think I'm going to join the PTA, or try to do some of the spouse socials. Only flaw is having one car when my hubby is home, and no sitter when he is gone. But I hear they are usually in the evenings with free child care. Fingers crossed.

Candy - posted on 10/10/2010

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I feel your pain. My baby just started school. I am home alone alot. My Hubby is a firefighter so he works 24 sometimes 72 hours.I didnt and still dont know what to do with myself. I use to have hobbies and I am looking for them again. I havnt figured anything out. I just thought you might want to know you are not alone. Small world,my cousin lives in Germany too.

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