fight or not to fight?

Michelle - posted on 09/05/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I am a stay at home mom to a 2 year old and my husband works 6-7 days a week. When we wake up he is already gone and when he gets home he takes a shower eats then to bed.So we dont get much family time execpt for church and some sundays.Here is my problem he wants to take my daughter out to the park or have fun without me.I am very hurt that he dosent want me to come along,he says Im not invited.The reason he gives me is that he wants to spend daddy daughter time together,I do understand-BUT I think when he has time we should be together as a famil not always judt mommy or just daddy.I need help I dont know if I shpuld just leave it alone or if this is detramental to my daughter wanting to be together as a family,I will fight this.Please give me your honest opinions! Thanks

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Katherine - posted on 09/05/2011

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He should be including you. Not exclusively doing something with your daughter.

If he wants "daddy" time he should have that AND family time. Not just time with your daughter.

You should tell him you would like to be included and then he can spend time with her. Does he listen when you talk about this?

Meagan - posted on 09/09/2011

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I have found that writing down how you feel s helpful as well. If you know your husband can talk his way thru a conversation, write him a letter expressing how you feel.
There are time when I feel the same way. I am a stay at home mom (which is not something I wanted to do..I am career driven but have excepted it and now enjoy) and my husband works. We own a business together so it's like having a 4th child. When he gets home, he wants his "me time" but I have to remind him that while the children are awake, he needs to make time for them. Once they are asleep, he can do as he chooses. I normally fall asleep right after they do so we do date nights, or morning coffee on the weekends, just the two of us. It has really helped us and it also gives us a chance to talk. It may not be as much as I'd like but it works.

Tracie - posted on 09/08/2011

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Daddy/daughter time and family time are equally important. Trade off when he has free time.

Toni - posted on 09/06/2011

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It is very important for her to have that Daddy daughter time, and just as important for him. Take this time when they are out and use it for you. Go shopping, get a mani/pedi, read a book, the list goes on and on. Then when they return have dinner all together and maybe play a game afterwards. Make it a fun day all the way around for every one.

Sal - posted on 09/06/2011

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make the most of it and have some 'me time' soak in the bath, have coffee ih peace, catch a friend for a cuppa and a chat, let them have their time, and also make family time and time for you and hubby too....

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√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 09/08/2011

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It seems creepy to me. Why wouldn't he want to spend time with you? If you feel distanced in communication, that is a very big problem and a bad sign. If you feel like he may be with you just because of your daughter, you have problems. They may not be end of the relationship problems, but it tells me you do need to work together and fix what is making you feel this way hun :(
I would try talking to him more.

The letting hubby wind down from stress is a great idea. But give it a time limit (like an hour) and try to dedicate time for just you guys as much as possible (after your daughter goes to sleep?). It is really hard sometimes to find the time, expecially if he is working so so much. But on his days off, you really need to do as much as possible to be together so that would upset me too that he doesn't want to spend time with me. I would feel unloved. I would be PISSED. Stand up for how you feel. Try talking to him, even if you don't make crap for progress at first. I know, my boyfriend can be a TOTAL clam unless I find him at just the right time. It also took us a whole year of talking about talking to eachother for him to actually open up more LOL so good luck! It can take months to make progress, but what do you have to lose?! You're just asking to be closer :) that's not a bad thing at all!

Michelle - posted on 09/06/2011

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thats awesome,we live in a 1 bedroom cottage and there really isnt anywhere to transition I do really like the idea of that though our bedroom doesnt have a tv or anything,but I amsure we cancome up withj something.but I think he does do that anyway when he comes home he goes to the shower then to the couch for tv,and i never ask him to do anything.When its bedtime for daddy my daughter puts him to bed but she always wants me there too, and I want that time to be special time for them how can I gret her to go jujst with him?

[deleted account]

The way my hubby and I do evenings is like this. When he gets home, he gets about 30-45 minutes to himself to relax and catch his breath--he'll take a shower, chill in his office for a little bit watching TV, playing a game, or reading--then he comes out to be with us. I find that if I give him this time, he is much less stressed the rest of the evening and is more willing to interact and focus on us. When he has to switch straight from office to daddy duty, he is preoccupied and grumpy. It's not his fault, he has a stressful job and NEEDS a little time to transition.

I don't really expect him to help with chores or taking care of J, but he should spend time with him, play and bond with him while I finish up around the house or cook dinner. When J was in diapers, he did change diapers if I was busy with something else. Now that J is older, he helps with the bedtime grooming--shower, teeth, etc. and that is their special "man time"

Michelle - posted on 09/06/2011

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Thank you!I thought so but he dosnt think so...He tjinks because he works and I dont I have to do everything else.

Katherine - posted on 09/06/2011

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Yes, he should be helping at home. You have a 24/7 job, his is only what.......?

Michelle - posted on 09/06/2011

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I think the other problem is 8 out of 10 Do you think that if when he is home he should take over feeding and changing diapers and playing with US.....?

Michelle - posted on 09/06/2011

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Thats just it, I feel like he doesnt want to spend time with just me,sometimes I feel like he is only with me because we have a daughter.Its actually very sad.Our communications sucks,He is a very good talker,he is good in sales,he can talk his way out of anything!I am oppisite.So its hard to talk to him.I do understand that they need bonding time, I just want to bond as a family too.

Stifler's - posted on 09/05/2011

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I would love it if my husband took the kids away and wanted to spend time with me alone.

Tara - posted on 09/05/2011

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Your daughter needs "mommy time", "daddy time" and "family time" - all 3 are essential to her. It is also a good idea for you and your husband to have "couple time" as that is essential to you/your husband.

My girls have really benefited from having time with both me and my husband separately, as well as the time they have with us together. My husband and I try to get a few minutes each day with just the two of us - we don't have much chance at "date nights" but those few minutes as a couple, even just talking, really help us weather the terrible two/three stage we are in.

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Your daughter should have both "family time" and one on one "daddy daughter time" with your husband.

I agree with him in that he should get to take her out on his own sometimes--it is great for their bond, and it gives you a break to do something outside of mommying.

That said, he must also make time to spend with you and daughter together as a family--that is equally important.

If you are going to fight it, ask him to do one family outing for every daddy daughter outing.

Also, don't forget about time for just you and him alone without your daughter. If you cannot get a sitter, at least make time to watch a movie or have a romantic dinner at home after she is in bed for the night.

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