For all the SAHM moms you gotta read this!!!!

Katherine - posted on 05/26/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Lesson 17 by Jenny Lawson



Recent studies have shown that women who have a maid or nanny live an average of 11 years longer than those who don’t. Typically, these same women have lower stress levels and are significantly less likely to poison their partners (who have been shown to lose their hair at a slower rate, and who also have a much more exciting sex life).



This study comes on the heels of another recent poll that showed that women are not your damn slaves and that maybe you could pick up your own damn socks yourself for once. My husband says I should point out that I made up these studies myself, but that doesn’t make them any less accurate. He says, “Yes, actually, it does.”



It’s like he’s asking to be stabbed.



Honestly though, if you’re struggling in your marriage, one of the best things you can do is to hire some domestic help. They help around the house and they make great witnesses. Your husband isn’t going to tell you that you look fat in front of the nanny, and your wife isn’t going to intentionally set fire to your shirts in the oven in front of her either. So you both win. But if you’re anything like me, you can’t actually afford domestic help, so instead you should just make a secret pact with a neighbor who has the exact same problem, and then pretend to be each other’s maids. That way it’s free and you still feel like you’re rich.



Besides, it’s basically the same as cleaning your own house, except that you just unexpectedly show up to do each other’s laundry. Which is actually more fun than doing your own laundry anyway, because if you’re the same size, you can totally swap clothes. So you’re getting a maid and new clothes. Plus, your husband will overhear it whenever your “maid” walks in and loudly asks you, “Is that a new haircut? Is it for your anniversary? Have you lost weight?” and then your husband will be like, “Damn. I DIDN’T NOTICE/REMEMBER ANY OF THAT.” And technically neither did your fake maid. That’s why you need to text her beforehand to tell her exactly what to say. This might sound manipulative and that’s because it is. But it’s also how you’re going to keep from stabbing your husband, so technically it’s like he owes you. Plus, he’ll be less likely to murder you as well, because he won’t know when the maid might show up to find him dismembering you, so you’re saving him from prison, while also saving yourself from ending up in the trunk of his car. See. You’ve only had a fake maid for a week and you’re multi-tasking already.



Also, if you forget to tell your husband something and he’s pissed off, you can be like, “Of course I told you that you needed to pay the phone bill last week. I said it right in front of Janie, remember?” and Janie will totally back you up (just as your phones get reconnected). And if you really fuck up and lose your wedding ring or something, you can just blame it on “the maid” and fire her for stealing it, and that way you totally can’t be blamed. Just be sure to have another friend standing in for back-up, because if you’re as irresponsible as I am, you are going to be firing a LOT of fake maids. I suggest organizing a list of fake-maid standbys during your next large mommy-and-me playdate.



Honestly, it’s about time those things finally came in handy.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Amber - posted on 05/26/2011

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@ Bernadette~ NO! Men with no respect for themselves, their spouses, their children, or the commitment they made are the ones who cheat. And they will do that regardless of whether or not you have a nanny or maid. If they have that little respect for their spouse, they will find a willing woman somewhere.


And really? Having a maid means that you have MORE time to spend with your children because you aren't scrubbing the floors and bathrooms. You have more free time to give to your spouse and kids.

Also, I think you misunderstand the general concept of having a maid. Maids rarely ever clean a person's house every day; they come in once a week and do the big things. Mom's and dad's are still doing laundry, dishes, and other daily chores; they just aren't doing the deep cleaning.

Katherine - posted on 05/26/2011

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Amber is right. I think you may have missed the point of this blog.....

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Tasha - posted on 05/29/2011

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I love it! Too funny, seriosly though id love to be able to afford a cleaner to come once a week and do the floors, between my husband and the dog ive given up!

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Bernadette- Noooo! If I had someone to help clean my house a few times per week I'd have MORE time to spend with my children and husband! It wouldnt be like 'Oh great, some chic's here to take over. See ya!' and take off. The point would be to have more quality family time and make wonderful memories for them. I dont want my kids to think back on their childhood and the majority of their memories being me trying to keep up with the housework. If we lived in an apartment, yeah no problem, I could zip right through it. But we dont. We live in a 4 story house with 3 floors of living area. I appreciate the home I have but it's not easy to keep up with! Help would be great and I can say with 100% certainty that if I chose to get a housekeeper it would have no influence on my husband's penis. There's no way my man could ever find a better woman than me anyway so that is something I'd never worry about. He could never find a better wife or a better mother and could never find a woman better looking with a better body than mine. Love yourself. It sounds like your words are coming from deep insecurity. Maybe you need to find a new man if he's making you feel that way. No woman deserves that. You shouldnt have to live in fear that if you make the wrong move he's going to cheat on you. That isn't love.

Katherine- I ♥ this post!!! HILARIOUS!!! I copied and emailed it to my husband haha! : p

Lisa - posted on 05/27/2011

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I think if I had a maid or even just an occasional sitter, I'd have more time for myself. I could go work out, get my nails done, take care of ME, and be more energetic for my hubby. Then I wouldn't have to sit there and wonder if he is checking out more attractive options.

Sriwanti - posted on 05/27/2011

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@Katherine Collins: hahaha.. ow doh!! u make me read for so long and it's a joke! ;-)

Katherine - posted on 05/27/2011

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You guys are missing the point!!! This is a joke!!!! A funny!!!

Sriwanti - posted on 05/27/2011

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I've always have maids who stay in the house but i only let her do housework. I take care of my children myself and I do the cooking. Yes it's stress free when u have maids but u still need to know whats happening in the house.

Bernadette - posted on 05/26/2011

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Oh k,but do ppl realize when u hv a nanny or maid..that's when husband cheat on their wives cuz they to busy doing things to pay attention to them and also the wives don't puut much attention to their children and ppl wonder why their husband cheats on them and their kids don't care what mommy say cuz she really not around much..I always make sure I clean my house every night and wash my dishes n the morning after everyone eats their breakfast..

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