gonna pull my hair out!! please help!

Kristian Amber - posted on 01/26/2011

Oh wow! I am so sorry Stephanie! That is horrible that you've been having to deal with all of that. Yes, I can understand staying with your hubby because you love him and he's a good father and he's good to you. However, if it were me, I would have told him soon after his son hit me, that I wasn't going to stand for anything like that and that if he wanted to see his son, by all means go for it, but he wasn't coming to our house.
That just makes me worry that he'd be in the middle of throwing a tantrum and strike one of your kids, either on purpose or not, it really doesn't matter. He's shown that he's violent. It sounds like his mom lost all authority over her son a long time ago and thats why he doesn't show any respect or appreciation for authority. And I'm sure it wears on your hubby, since he isn't around him all that much he can't exactly make his presence known and respected. It really sucks in that sort of a situation, and unfortunately there really isn't anything you can do about it. Not to help hubby's son to start growing up anyways, but remember that this is your home and your family, yes he's a part of it, but not constantly and no one deserves, even his father and mother, to be treated that way. It sounds like you and your hubby talk about this pretty often, which is really good, at least he knows your feelings on that aspect. Have you guys thought about just not allowing him to come back over for awhile? That's such a difficult situation, it sounds like the kid needs some "tough love" to start being a little more responsible or whatnot. Not the beating kind of tough love (LOL I'm not that kind of person) but the kind where the kid stops receiving any sort of rewards, money, going out, etc, until he starts earning them. It more than likely will cause him to lash out more, but if its consistent he'll start to realize that he's not going to be getting his way by behaving that way anymore. He might move out, which might be good for him, and get a job to start making his own way. Not to say he won't keep asking for handouts, but at least it'd be a step.
What about his stepdad? Does he try to do anything to correct any of this at their house?
I ask because, granted my boys are 8 and 5 (we're expecting a little girl in March so sorry if I'm a little scatter-brained on some of my replies :) I guess its a perk of pregnancy LOL) but I never let the boys get disrespectful towards him, and he doesn't tolerate it either. They don't really ever go out of their way to act that way, its an age thing sometimes and a boundary testing thing, but he asserted his authority soon after we got married and they know that its not just me they have to get permission from to do things, they have to ask him as well. And we don't allow them to play us against each other by asking the other if they didn't get the answer they wanted the first time.
I was just curious, you made mention of how the boy is affecting you, your hubby and his mom, but it didn't seem like the stepdad was really a figure in this situation really. Maybe I'm wrong, but it'd be good for the stepdad to start stepping up, defending the mom and requiring more respect/good behavior from the boy.
Still though, when you said he'd hit you and then tried to turn the situation around to his mom, that just blew me away! For that sort of thing, I honestly don't know what I would have done!
I really hope you can get through this soon though, and you and the hubby can figure something out to stop making you feel like you're walking on eggshells in your own home and not get sick or anything when he's around.
I gotta run and take my oldest to school, I really hope you get this all figured out soon!
Happy Hump Day! I hope the pregnancy is going well for you! I'm in the home stretch and can't wait to see this little girl!
Talk to you later!

Stephanie - posted on 01/25/2011

thanks ladies! all your responses were very helpful! My husband and I have talked about these problems before, and my husband has to gotten sick and tired of me being sick because then things fall behind in the house and when I feel better i bust my butt to get back ontop of things either that or he comes home from being gone at work for 12 hours and does the housework too! He has told his son that he needs to stop coming around me and our daughter when he has a cough but he just says its his asthma acting up. His son is always talkin about beating someone up so my husband tends to NOT listen to a single thing he says but I listen and the majority of the stuff he talks about is rather annoying or just rude and makes me want to slap him. Hate to say it like that! I can't even imagin what my parents would have done if I talked to them the way he talks to his parents! I look at him as a free loader because I moved out when I was 17, still graduated and everything! When it comes to his time BMX and Dirt bike riding, my husband owns the dirt bike so if he gets a low grade on his report card he takes the key to the dirt bike but his son is SO disrespectful he says he will hide the bike and key so his father cant find them or his mother gives him the key back b4 my hisband can make it back in town to get it just so she doesnt have to listen to him whine and cuss at her and call her a b*tch and stuff like that. I hate to say it but if he were my son and called me a b*tch he would have been slapped a LONG time ago! When I was pregnant with my first child we all got into an arguement that eventually lead to all of us sitting down, all of us including his mother step dad father and me and his. He had hit me a few times and so I had tried to defend myself and he called his mother crying to her and I had told his father that his son had just hit me and he got an ear full and then his mother showed up at our house saying she was going to call the cops on us bc she hadnt heard my side of the story till later that nighgt when we all sat down. Its always been a rough road when it comes to my stepson! but I have stuck around because I love my husband and thats all that matters but there comes a time when its just enough!! But anyways! Thanks ladies!

Kristian Amber - posted on 01/25/2011

I had a similar situation, granted, it was with a much younger stepson. I had been there the day he was born but was only able to be around him on and off. His moms behavior towards me and my oldest son (he was a baby at the time) lead into the way he started to treat me and I wasn't going to stand for it. His dad never said much and just kind of shrugged whenever I'd talk to him about it. Granted it got better over the years.
As for your situation, I'd definitely have a long sit down with the hubby and explain everything to him. This is a partnership between the two of you and he needs to understand that yes, that is his son, but you are his wife and you guys have a family that he is with 24/7. Being the father, he needs to step up and let his son know that there are things that are expected of him when he visits, and disrespect and whatnot will not be tolerated. It does sound like a lot of this attitude is stemming from the boys mom. Unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do about that, and I'm sorry for you there.
I can totally understand about him being around you while he's sick, my stepson was always sick, but his mom constantly had him on medication, which to me, being a "natural mom" was completely ridiculous. I like to let the kids own immune system try to fight off colds and stuff first, if that doesn't work after a few days or so, then we go to the doctor just to make sure it isn't an infection. I feel for you completely though!
You really should talk to your hubby, he needs to be the one to put his foot down and start having your back on this issue. It's not like it's a little kid who's just throwing a temper tantrum because he's not getting his way, this is leading into what sort of adult this boy is going to be in the next few years, and if he's acting this way now, that just goes to show what sort of work ethic and relationships he will be having in the future. Your hubby may be feeling a little lost when it comes to this since not being around the boy all the time, but regardless of who has custody and what goes on in the boys' home, he is still the father and does have a say in how he behaves. I agree with Desarae, he's 18, technically an adult, he needs to start growing up and figuring out things for himself. Sometimes the best way is to just stop helping him out and let him through his temper tantrum and then figure it out. All the parents can do is guide, its up to them to move forward and become the type of person they're going to be.
I'm sorry, I know some of this comes off as telling you what to do. Reading your post kinda sent me back to when I was having this issue and my hubby at the time didn't back me on anything. I was always made out to be the bad guy because since I was home all the time I had to be the disciplinarian when we had him with us. It sucked, and yea, he was a lot younger, but after time, he came to know that I cared about him as much as I did my little one and that I would not tolerate any sort of behavior towards me or anyone else that was disrespectful. Not even his mom.
I really hope you get this situation figured out. It really sucks when you feel like you're at wits' end and can't figure out what to do.
And with the sickness thing, just tell your husband that you can't do it anymore. You are pregnant and have a little one, so colds are more susceptible to you guys right now. And you know he wants to see his son, but until his son gets a clean bill of health, you don't want him around because it just makes things harder on you and your little one when you guys get sick.
Unfortunately, if the hubby doens't understand that, then I think you might have some more underlying issues than you think. Just let him know you need him to be the one to stand up for your family and let his son know who's in charge. Its not saying the boy can't ever come visit, just not when he's sick and not if he's going to behave like a spoiled brat.
LOL, sorry again! I know I can go on forever! I really do hope you get this all sorted out though! Please let us know how things go for the next visit or the talk with your hubby. I really hope he understands and you guys come to a happy medium where everyone will be okay with the situation.

~~~ Amber~~~~

Desarae - posted on 01/24/2011

well, I think it's really an issue you should iscuss with your husband. Plus, he's 18 so if he wants to see his dad, it's time for him to figure it out. If everyone is worried about his grades dropping, then his parents needs to make him take a break from his BMX stuff. He is 18 and living with parents, even if he's still in high school, it's time to grow up. His actions are affecting you, and your husband's new children, and he needs to know it.

Shannon - posted on 01/24/2011

At 18 this is a difficult situation, what does your husband say? I am like a mama bear when it comes to my children and their well being so if i were you I would just flat out tell everyone involved that you have had enough of the disrespect and rude behavior. Hugs and best wishes I hope it all works out for you :-/