Anon - posted on 06/10/2012 ( 77 moms have responded )
I made an anonymous account because I feel so guilty and ashamed about this.
I love my 13 week old son so much. I would never actually hurt him, i want to make that clear. But since he came home from the hospital...its been so hard.
He never sleeps during the day and sleeps a max of four hours at night. He is breastfed with a little bit of soy formula (he has a cows milk protein allergy) and had HORRIBLE colic up until about 10 weeks. Then at 12 weeks he started teething early. (he has TWO coming through)
When he is awake, he MUST be held. I have to carry him to the bathroom to pee, quickly try to shove bits of food in my mouth (i know I'm not eating enough) during those rare, 10 min naps he takes during the day.
My husband works for a 24hr towing service, not to mention he is also in the Marine Reserve. So he is hardly around. He works nights during the week and every hour during the weekend, so I don't get a whole lot of help from him. It sucks because even on the days he has off, one of the a-holes that his boss just hired keeps calling in sick or doesn't even show and Derek has to come in and pick up his shift.
Its come down to when my son is sleeping, i have to CHOOSE between whether to eat, sleep, shower, or clean the house.
It probably started when my son was a month old. He was crying, crying, crying. Breastfeeding was a nightmare. It hurt, Thrush and a bad latch and lack of sleep and food made me miserable. I went down the list. Fed. Clean diaper. Not too hot or cold. Burped...etc.
I set him in his swing for 25 mins and he was STILL screaming his head off. I was sitting on the couch staring at him on the other side of the room, gritting me teeth and trying not to punch a hole in the wall when finally i just screamed "SHUT UP!SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!" and then I went and took a shower.
It happened a few more times. Of course I tried everything to help him and nothing worked. I've thrown his pacifier across the room after he refused to take it.
Every time it happens I remind myself he's only a baby. He's still an infant! And I tell myself it's the last time. It makes me feel like an abusive husband, saying it's never going to happen again, showering her with love and affection... until it happens again.
Once, after my husband came home from work. I shoved our son in his arms and left without a word. I took some glass bottles out to the woods and smashed them on trees. Needless to say, i did feel a little better after that.
At my 6 week PP checkup, I was put on anti-depressants. And they worked SO nice.
But then, I found out my medicaid insurance was cancelled for no apparent reason. I ran out of anti-depressants and have been going downhill since. We've been so busy moving that I haven't been able to reapply (though I'm hoping to soon)
Earlier today, my son was pretty happy to i decided to take him for a walk. I was putting him in his car seat (it attatches to the stroller) and he started SCREAMING. I strapped him in and was getting his diaper bag together and he cries got louder and shriekier when i finally stomped across the room, stood over him and screamed "SHUT THE F*** UP!"
His cries instantly changed to the most terrible, fear filled cry I have ever heard come out of him and I burst into tears. I felt SO bad. I picked him up and put him to my breast and let him nurse to sleep. I set him in his crib and he's been sleeping since.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop. My husband doesn't know I do this. Our parents live too far away to help often.
Co-sleeping isn't an option. He hates being in a baby carrier.
I just want to cry all the time now. Our son was a surprise and unplanned. I feel cheated out of life. My mother was psychologically abusive and yelled at me a lot and called me names. I was never allowed to have friends or go out and have fun. I got into college and was so much happier but within two years, its gone and I feel like my life is just gone.
I know that none of that is an excuse. I constantly have a headache and feel sick. I can't ever go out with my son because he cries the whole time we are out.
I don't know what to do....