HELP1!! Frustrated MOM/WIFE

Raina - posted on 07/29/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for 2 weeks but been living together for 6, we have 3 amazing boys who are exhausting. My husband works on an oil rig, even though he comes home every morning (he works the night shift) i feel like he is not apart of our lives. He wants to be the friend not the parent, but complains that I am grouchy all the time and dont have patience with the kids or him. He wants to sleep wake up and sit on his butt, when I leave him with the kids so I can run errands he lets them watch shows I do not allow, do thinks I do not allow them to do, and he teaches them inappropriate "Potty humor". We just got into a fight how when I get mad at the boys I go off the deep end and make a big deal out of nothing but when he gets angry with the he acts like a bully.He had a terrible childhood with a mother who was more of a psycho path than a real mom and a father who worked all the time and treated him like a pathetic excuse of a life. How can I get him to MAN up and be dad instead of friend? I read parenting books all the time I go to classes all the time I want to be a better mom than I am but i feel like i cannot implement structure because he will not follow it himself. I feel like a terrible mother because I cannot emotionally control my feelings anymore.
Please no haters I already feel like a piece of trash for being such a crappy mother.

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Stifler's - posted on 07/29/2012

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You're not a crappy mother but it sounds like he works a lot so he doesn't want to spend his whole time at home cracking down on the kids rather than having fun/relaxing. He also sounds like my husband, would rather watch tv than spend quality time because he's tired from working long hours.



Tell him the rules or write a thing with them on and make them basic and easy to follow and suggest things like going to the park which is easy they run off and play while you bludge or go down the slide yourself or suggest appropriate movies they can watch together.

Katrín Ösp - posted on 07/29/2012

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When he works so much you are the boss at home and he should support your decisions and rules for your kids. Give him a whole weekend with the kids and let him take care of them. Take some time of and go out with your friends and have some fun! We moms don´t do much of that. You should get a little time to take good care of your self and let him take care of the kids.

That is my adwise for you now :)

Chaya - posted on 07/29/2012

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I'm a single mom, but I found that if my kidlet doesn't do as she's told, I don't do things I need to do.
If your husband needs therapy, tell him to get it, I'm not trying to be simplistic, but I had a similar situation, ( Psycho step mother, deaf dad) I don't think I'll ever go without therapy for more than a year at a time, but it's not your responsiblity to make or keep the appointment.
If you have a religious leader, or know one, you could speak to them, they have pull that most courts don't.

Cate - posted on 07/29/2012

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You are not terrible. You are a woman who is doing the best she can under frustrating circumstances. Your approach to parenting is very different from your husband's (and for the record I agree with *your* approach), and that is an obstacle that will be hard to overcome. I can see why you might be having some emotional sensitivity, so stop beating yourself up. It just adds to the emotional pile, and that pile already seems pretty big. It sounds like some counseling might be a good idea. It will help you work out some of these frustrations and maybe you can get some advice on dealing with the hubby and kids.

I know a lot of people have a certain prejudice against seeking a counselor, but you need someone who will be able to provide some emotional and moral support and it sounds as though you aren't getting that from your husband. If you are a religious person you might ask your priest or pastor for advice. If you do not attend any kind of services or are not religious you might speak to your doctor about it. Doctors will usually be able to point you in the direction of counselors in your area or at least give you the number of someone who can direct you further.

And let me repeat - you are NOT a piece of trash or a crappy mother. You just are under terrible stress. Don't beat yourself up. The rest of the world will do enough of that for you.

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