How can I get my husband more involved with the kids w/out being aggressive?

Levasia - posted on 05/11/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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He will play with the boys when he come home from work for about 15 minutes or so then go to bed (he works 3rd shift). On his days off I will ask him to feed the boys, change the boys, give the boys a bath, or even go and check on the boys for me. The answer is always no. I am getting very frustrated and resentful. I always blow off the handle when I ask and he says no. So should I just stop asking and keep doing it all myself or find a way to let him see that it benefits the boys and not me when he's involved with the little things. BTW my toddler never ask his dad for juice or food, and when I tell him to go ask daddy (daddy is in the kitchen) he falls out and have a temper tantrum on the floor until I get up.



Desperately needing sound advice

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Alina - posted on 05/19/2010

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Use wisdom in your approach. He may be able to hear the resentment in your voice, and it may make him feel more pressure than what he's probably already feeling. He's playing with the kids, and that's important. Make him feel like the best Dad in the world by appreciating what he IS doing, and you may encourage him to do more. We work 24/7, but a man working outside the home does not want to do more work on his day off. It's not fair, I know, but like I said, use some wisdom in your approach. Try to deal with your resentment so he doesn't feel attacked. Many men feel they are doing what they need to do just because they're working to pay the bills. We know that's not the case, but nothing will change as long as we're frustrated, argumentative, resentful and annoyed. Here's one thing that worked for me: one day my husband came home from work and I was on the phone trying to get our son signed up for the Big Brother program. He was hot!!! I got off the phone and said I wanted our son to learn male things, and I certainly couldn't teach him. He said that's what he was there for. So I said, DO it then! That's what it took for my husband. Find what will work for yours - everything will work out. You may have to wait a while, but it will turn around :)

Applemalt - posted on 10/14/2013

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Feel so good to read from all you mom's!

I am in the same boat! I find myself constantly worrying about whether or 18month old and my husband have a healthy relationship. I want our son to be more comfortable with their dad. My husband works full time from hone so our son gets to see him but that is about it. My husband is very traditional with roles but I feel that the dynamic we are creatingf as a family is not the best...as in he thinks that raising our son is all my job and that it is a job rather thab a realtionship to nurture!

But my husband has also had cancer and is in recovery and we have lost a dear friend so i have to tread csarefully. All I know is that talking to your husband after sex can be a great time to bring up topics you or both of you are sensitive about.

I found this site helped me
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/03/...

I am going to wait until I am more calm about it all then I will implement soem changes and try not to expect change all at once....he hates that!!!!!

oxoxo

Bethany - posted on 05/16/2010

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All I can suggest is the old Dump and Run. Pick a day that you know he won't be overly tired, or going to work, and get dressed that morning, put food out for everyone, and say "well, I'm off to get my hair done" and walk out the door. For an hour, or a morning or whatever you're game enough to take.

We had to learn from scratch, he's a grown man with a job, so he's not an idiot. Let him figure it out.

Just, when you return, do not judge his efforts at all. Just move forward from that moment, without comment on how he has done anything "wrong" or not done it at all. If you notice he has done anything, give him big compliments, and big thankyous and Oh my Gosh, I feel so much better. I'm so glad I can rely on you..."

If he want's children, he will need to be a husband first, then a daddy. I say" I'm Charlotte's primary carer, and hubby is my primary carer" He needs to look after you if you're to raise his kids right, and feel like being a nice wife.

Men do better if they're not being watched. They like to nut things out on their own, so give him the chance.

PS, you know him better than me, so use your judgment as to how to orchestrate this one.

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Crystal - posted on 05/19/2010

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I have been there. :) Sometimes you have to be agressive, but in a calm and nice way. I definitely agree with the ladies who have said you need to make time for yourself and let him care for the kids - I mean you both wanted the kids, so you have to share the caring of them. When I plan something for myself away from the kids, I make sure to give my husband plenty of notice, make sure we don't have "family" plans already, and also make sure that he will get a day to himself soon too on the weekends.

As far as a relationship with the kids, he can't expect it to just happen overnight when they get older. My kids were definitely "mommy mommy" and they still kind of are (they're 4 and 2), but they do go to daddy too...and it took some work on his part in helping care for them, play with them, take them places on his own, etc. Everything we do on a daily basis, he has to partake in too sometimes, otherwise they won't have that "parental" bond with him, and won't want him to care for them. When my hubby saw that our daughter was freaking out when I Ieft just to go to the store, it hurt his feelings and he realized that he needed to step it up for her to get to know him, and that it was ok.

Jennifer - posted on 05/19/2010

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Definately try talking to him when both of you are calm and not stressed out. Just explain to him that you feel the boys aren't getting enough father-son time, then maybe suggest an outing or something fun they can do together. With my husband, the more time he got to spend with the kids doing something fun, the more willing he was to help with the personal care stuff too. Just make sure you remain calm the whole time. Fighting never gets anything accomplished. Do also explain to him that you are feeling frustrated, and that you feel you are doing everything. Then, let him tell you his side of the story, and keep an open mind to it also.

Silvia - posted on 05/19/2010

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I would suggest talking to him when you are both in a calm peaceful mood, try not to get frustrated or yell.

Gina - posted on 05/15/2010

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hey
we are the same way. i have a 2 yr old and a 6 month old. my husband bathed our baby once in 6 months, he can go days without holding him, hasnt changed a diaper in weeks. Thats just the way it works out. He works and enjoys it, I take care of the kids and I love it. He works 12 hours a day then goes straight to bed. Our 2 year old won't let daddy put him to bed or kiss his booboos or anything else. I thought I was the only who's husband doesn't help with kids. AND MY HUSBAND WANTS ANOTHER RIGHT AWAY LOL! so its not as if he doesnt want to be a family man. anyways just know that you are not alone

[deleted account]

Hi. My husband works away from home during the week, and comes home on the weekends. When he is home, all he wants to do is play with the kids and go to bed early. Also, when he gets home, I am running out the door to hit the gym for an hour. I have been a stay at home mom for ten years, homeschooling too. I KNOW about burnout!



Is there a way for you to leave when he gets home?, give yourself a break and let him have daddy alone-time with the kids?

Levasia - posted on 05/15/2010

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Thank you so much, I will definitely take your advice and let you know the outcome.

Tanya - posted on 05/11/2010

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I would try to talk to him when you do make sure its on level ground no one is mad about anything and when you talk to him sit by him and explain why you want the help or for him to spend time "I think if you spend more time with the boys they will become closer with you as adults" or "I'd like you to spend more time with the boys becuase you are a good man and I can't teach them to be a man only you can" when you do this make sure you touch him this sounds funny but men react to touch and listen much more so touch his arm or leg when saying what it is you are trying to say also make sure it sounds like you need his help with it men like to solve problems so if make it sound like something you can't do .. If this don't work and he is just not changing anything after your talk.. I suggest youclaim the time what I mean is say your goin to volunteer somewhere or join a group (book, parenting class ect) 2 days a month (when he is off and rested) and he needs to hold down the fort while you do.. It will give you some much needed time away and he will be the provider for your children when you are gone and they will go to him then when mom is home it is just convienent that mom is there. Dad will do things different but things will get done.. Also expect to clean up lots of messes daddies don't see messes..lol Good Luck

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