How do I deal with a bf who resents me for stating home with my daughter?

Whitney - posted on 11/06/2012 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I am 25 yrs old and a mom to a beautiful three year old girl. My boyfriend works long hours and is gone a lot, I need some advice I feel completely worthless my bf is always telling me I need to get a job to help he says I used to be fun and pretty and a hard worker he asks what happened to me. He says all his money goes to us and we take everything nice from him, he used to not be like this he totally resents me I can't even buy a few cookies with out him complaining I didn't share dumb right? What do I do I've already committed myself to a hospital bc I'm so depressed I should also mention I have an overactive thyroid which makes me anxious tired and emotional.

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[deleted account]

I'm sorry, but the things you described are signs of abuse. You need to leave. If you do not leave, you have only yourself to blame when you fall apart.



He is systematically grooming you--first step is to kill your self-esteem. He will use words to make you feel worthless, like you cannot accomplish anything or survive without him to support you. Next he will cut you off from friends and family by limiting your time and communications with them. He may eventually ask you to move to a new town away from your friends and family (you will agree because you don't feel close to the people around you anymore anyway because you haven't had much time to spend with them) or cut off your means of transportation. Once those steps are taken, it will be difficult to leave--you will not have much courage because his words have cut you down, you will not have any friends or family to go to because you have lost touch with everyone (or they are too far away if he has moved you or cut off transportation). Once he knows you cannot leave, his abuse WILL escalate, this is when the physical abuse begins. That is why it is important to leave NOW and do not wait. The longer you wait, the harder it is to go.



Furthermore, your daughter is witnessing all of this, and she is at her most impressionable years, so when you let him yell at you and belittle you like that in front of her, you are TEACHING her that this is the way a man should treat a woman, that when she grows up, she should expect a man to treat her the same way. And eventually he WILL start hitting you. Is that what you want for her?



I work with homeless shelters in my community. I can walk you through this process.

If you are a sahm, You should have an emergency bank account in your name only. Now is the time to use it. If not, things are a little more difficult, but it CAN be done. Secure an apartment in the town where your friends and family are. You can set up appointments for this online. email or fb your friends,



You will first need to call your local women's shelter. Tell me where you are located and I can give you more specific information.

The shelter will help you outline an action plan. Depending on the type of shelter and your resources, this will vary. Some require you to live there for the first few days while they set things up for you, others may help you set things up online or over the phone before you physically leave--WARNING! This is DANGEROUS! If he finds out you are planning to leave, you need to get out, and get out right then! Do not wait! If you need to go that route, pack two small essentials bags--one for you, one for child, and hide them in a place he will not find them, but where you can get them if you need them. If you have a friend available, put them at her house, if not, find a safe place in your home or put them in a locker at the bus/train station.



Once you have a new place to live secured, DO NOT EVER tell him where you are. Do not give him an address, phone number, or any other information he can use to find out where you are. If you must have a phone, get a prepaid cellphone. The kind that you just purchase minutes for as you use them, and are not billed monthly or connected to a home. This way, if he gets your number, you can change it without having to worry about contract fees and such, and he cannot use it to get your address. Also, take out a PO box for mail. This is convenient not only because you may move several times during this process and lose important documents in the forwarding process, but you will need a mailing address and he will probably eventually gain access to it, so you don't want it to be your home.



If he is the father of your daughter, he may take you to court for visitation. It is your decision as to whether you want to allow him to see your daughter before then. If you do, set up a free email account that you will use for communications with him. You will ALWAYS use this account for communications--do not call him. Do not meet with him unless you have set it up through communications in this email account. This will provide a log of anything he has said to you, dates and times of meetings, and any threats or harassment for court. Be careful what YOU say. Do not say any more than is absolutely necessary because it will be used in court, and it will reflect on you.

When you do meet with him to let him see your daughter, make sure notes are made in the email account, and meet in a very public place. Preferably a restaurant where people are seated and not walking around. You want witnesses in case he tries anything, but walking people and crowd provide cover if he tries to run with your daughter. BE CAREFUL, because if he is the father, in many states, if he can get her from you, with or without your permission, he has a right to keep her and there is very little legal recourse you can take other than bringing him to court for custody, which can take months or years. Some states have allowances, but you need to check your own state's laws.

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22 Comments

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Tristan - posted on 12/14/2012

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I am sorry that life is so difficult for you right now. The first thing that you need to do is to sit down with your boyfriend, and talk. Sometimes people say what they think will hurt, instead of what is really hurting them. You need to sit down together and decide if it makes financial sense for you to return to work. Look at what you would be making and what it would cost for childcare. Maybe is worried about finances, and maybe he is unhappy with his life right now. You need to sit down and be honest with each other. Good luck.

Courtney - posted on 12/03/2012

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My boyfriend, now husband, was like that when I stayed home when I was pregnant and then stayed home after my daughter was born. I chose to stay home and not work, because I didn't think there was a good job for me. I am bipolar and suffer from other depression and anxiety disorders. I knew I wasn't capable of successfully working for someone else.

Until I found my current job... I work from home, set my own hours, and make my own goals. I have a wonderful support network that understands how to talk to me. They don't make me fell inferior or like a failure if I don't get alot done during 1 month. No matter how little work I put in, I am always guaranteed a check every month.

Now that I'm contributing to the family, he is super happy. He doesn't complain and he supports my work too. I doesn't look like the same will happen in your situation right now.

If you are looking for a work at home, I can show you the business that has worked for me. Just contact me. My one goal in this business is to help people physically, mentally, relationally, and financially.

Lukithia - posted on 11/27/2012

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Whitney, I am glad you are in a safe place and your family is there for you. I was in a similar situation in my marriage for ten years. I have auto immune hypothroid disease and fibromyalgia. Although the plan was for me to stay home he badgered me to work even when I was real ill. It's good that you got your daughte r out early. My kids were older by my divorce and I can see how the mostly mental and emotional abuse I endured has affected them and their outlook on life. Just as your daughter does my kids visit their father and in the beginning it was scary to let them go. I wondered if he would treat our daughter like he treated me. He did at first as far as how he spoke to her and stuff but its been 3 years and he has seen the error in his ways. Now to teach her not to accept or give excuses for a man's poor character and behavior befor she dates. She turns 16 Saturday. Continue to stay strong, understand your worth is in how God sees and loves you and keep getting the help you need. Praying for you now.

Linda - posted on 11/27/2012

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He doesn't want you any more cause it's all too hard get Fukin rid of that looser and get yourself a job in fairness sitting at home with a three year old is a bit of a joke. Become your own person and find yourself a bloke who isn't such a looser

Larisa - posted on 11/14/2012

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Thanks whitney thats what im trying to do just to get out of the house for a couple of hours and interact with some adults. I hope everything goes ok in ur life and things start looking up for you. Dont give up i was in an abusive relationship for 16yrs. I wasted half my life with him. I was 16 when i met him and he was 33, but the only good thing that came out of it is my 4 beautiful children. There is hope out there, there is good men out there. Thank god i found one, thats how i got my latest bundle of joy. I hope you get the same if not better happiness i found, cuz us woman deserve it!!

Whitney - posted on 11/14/2012

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Larissa I understand where your coming from I want a job too it's just there isn't a lot out there I walk to jobs to find one bc I have no car but these men should understand and support us in our decisions see my bf thinks women should do all the house work take care of the kids and work full time he's phsycotic though lol maybe you could find a part time Job that way ur home half the day

Larisa - posted on 11/14/2012

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I feel the same way that im just a burden to my fiance because im not helping out financially. I just had my daughter in september shes only 2mons. Old and i wanted to stay home with her for the first year but it doesnt look like thats gonna happen. My fiance can handle it but i feel like im losing apart of myself, like i have no selfworth. I dont want to miss out on any of her milestones or have someone else basically raising her but i need to feel like im contributing or im gonna go nuts. Plus i like my independence, i hate asking someone for money like im a child.

Jill - posted on 11/12/2012

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Being a SAHM only works with the mutual agreement of both parties and the full unconditional support of the working partner.



If you intend to stay with your boyfriend, and this is the main issue of disagreement between you, then something needs to change. Try couples counseling. If nothing else, you'll both learn to communicate more effectively. If he will not go to counseling with you, it may be a sign that the relationship is just about over.



Look for employment. Ideally something opposite his working ours, or perhaps during the time she can be in 3 year old preschool. You may even be able to get a job at a preschool, thereby still being nearby your child while working. If having a job fixes the issue, great. If not, at least you'll be better prepared to support yourself.

Whitney - posted on 11/09/2012

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Thanks for your replies in needed that I told my mom what was going on I was in a dark place a few days ago but I realized this was not all me it's amazing how a few days not listening g to that stuff has made me feel awesome my daughter even felt better. He says he is going to church Sunday so if he wants to work on himself great but I'm not going to count on it. What websites are legit to do online work that would helP bc I'm saving for my own place but I don't have a car now.

Keri - posted on 11/09/2012

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It sounds like your boyfriend needs a wakeup call. Did the two of you decide you would be a SAHM? If so, he's got nothing to complain about. I would have smacked him for the "used to be pretty" comment. If it's really all about money, which it sounds like it is, there are plenty of legitimate work-from-home jobs out there, which can be worked part-time or full-time. I hope things get better soon.

Dawn - posted on 11/09/2012

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Honey you are being abused, you need to leave this man. He is a miserable man and wants u to feel the same don't be embressed you need help tell a friend or family member what's going on, it's ok to let someone know that you need help and it sounds like you really do!

Whitney - posted on 11/08/2012

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Thank you yes I left he said he wanted to kill me I am staying with my mother thank you for the time to write back I cannot let my daughter go through this anymore it just kept getting worse i set up a therapist for us a week ago butbim just going to go alone, when I went to the hospital they put me down as being severely emotionally abused so I have records somewhat I am letting him see Peyton my daughter it is his daughter but I have his mother do the drop offs I feel so much better already my family had no idea what was going on. He is abusing drugs so that I know has a lot to do with it . I'm sad but is rather be alone then hear this crap everyday. I chose not to go to a shelter he said if I did he would take her from me.

[deleted account]

Please note, I do not use the words abuse and abusive lightly. I very rarely recommend a mother leave her bf or husband without counseling or therapy first to try to resolve issues. Women who know me though this site will confirm that. But what you described are the classic signs of abusive grooming and escalation. I cannot ignore them and neither can you.



He may or may not realize what he is doing, I cannot tell from your post whether it is deliberate or ingrained in him due to his own past, but I can tell you that the issue is too deep to safely resolve at this point. Therapy may help him overcome his abusive tendencies with another woman in the future, but he will never be a non abusive man to you. You need to end the relationship permanently and find someone else because even if he gets help and changes, getting back with a woman he has abused will make him backslide over and over again--it's a vicious circle: You'll leave, he'll get better, you'll come back, he'll start abusing again, you'll leave, he'll get better, and on and on and on.

Amrit - posted on 11/07/2012

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It may or may not be plausible in your situation, but your daughter is old enough that she could be home with dad and you could go out and work for a while. It would give dad a break and a valuable perspective on what you do all day. Maybe that would work for you both long term, or maybe he would want to switch back after a while. If you did decide to bring it up, bring it up tactfully at a neutral time where he might be responsive to the idea.

I have heard that it is very healthy for men and women in long committed relationships to have 6 weeks apart from eachother each year. I don't know if it all has to be at the same time, but it is healthy to rekindle the longing for eachother and then be reunited at the end of that time. Women also need that time to refuel and relax themselves. Men can use that time to feel "less burdened" or "do what they want when they get home" i.e. play video games, drink beer in his underwear, whatever. Obviously if there is any suspicion of one or the other not remaining loyal then you shouldn't try this, but if it is a solid loving committed thing, then it is something to think about.

Whitney - posted on 11/07/2012

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The sad part is I really love this guy all I was trying to explain was that his words are destroying me and to please not call me names in front of Peyton my daughter and he just says I need to stop making him mad and starting fights. I think I must be crazy I always tell him he's a good dad and to wake up everyday feeling proud of himself bc he works hard to take care of us and what do I get I get told he has to give everything to me phone car and money and he never gets anything . I'm scared hurt confused and I'm putting this all on this website bc I am embarrassed to tell anyone and I'm scared some won't believe me.

Whitney - posted on 11/07/2012

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Ya I agree the only thing that gets to me is feeling so weak have you found anything to help that? I don't know If I'll be able to go on here anymore this morning I got called a c word and a b and my bf said he's leaving and I can't have a phone he told me to get a life and a Job and get my own and get the f out of HIS house. All bc I told him that his lunch was a little expensive I said babe I'm just making u aware he yelled I didn't buy a sand which now he has no f ing lunch even though I got other stuff I explained the deli wasn't open. I'm so hurt all I do is try to be a good mom find a job those are hard to come by, I try so hard to make him happy I clean I cook I don't go out with friends bc he says they are sluts and I may cheat on him . He says I blame all the relationship on him that it's all my fault he said I should just kill myself that he doesn't care ( I was recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt) I solc my car to move with him, I don't understand why I deserve to be treated like nothing I used to be a happy go lucky girl I had two jobs I took care of myself last night he was yelling at me again and my three year old said stop your breaking my life she tells my friends husbands ( why there husbands I don't know) that daddy yells at mommy I'm in so much pain I don't know where to start or what the first step is.

[deleted account]

you're welcome :)

And, hey, if you need to talk about coping with Graves, feel free to message me; I'm on here a good bit, so I'll see it :) Graves is very rare in women, so it is difficult to find people to talk to, but talking helps SO much! Most women have the opposite--under active thyroid--and the symptoms are very, very different, so it is not as helpful to talk to them :(

Whitney - posted on 11/06/2012

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Thank you so much for your response yes all those apply to us it's great to hear from someone with graves it's hard but I'm glad to hear someone who has managed it

[deleted account]

If he is working long hours and does not understand what you do all day, it can be easy for resentment to build, especially if finances are tight. Next time he makes a comment that hurts you, outline for him all of the things that you do to make his life easier, and to make life better for your child. Remind him that you keep the house clean and tidy, take care of his laundry, cook dinner every evening, and do all of the shopping, remind him that he would have to help with those tasks after work if you were working too. Show him the educational activities that you do with your child, note the social functions you take her to, and remind him that if you went to work, a big chunk of your income would go to day care and sponsored social activities for her in order to have her ready for school.



Also, Share. If you buy a treat for yourself, make sure you buy one for him too. Remember, you are the one who goes to the store and does the shopping, he has very little opportunity to treat himself unless you do it for him. After work, he wants to get home, he doesn't think about stopping off at the shoppes to pick up a snack until he sees you munching down the last cookie. Then the thinks "I worked all day, and I never get a treat!"



Btw, I too have Graves Disease (overactive thyroid) and it sometimes makes things tough, but you CANNOT let it rule your life!!! I have found that a good diet, regular exercise, and a good social network help me cope with the anxiety. It is very easy to crawl under the covers and block everything out when I get out of whack, so I make sure that I set up commitments for myself that I will not break, such as lunch dates with friends or volunteering in my community--when other people are depending on you to show up, it is a lot harder to crawl into bed and get off track.



GL

April - posted on 11/06/2012

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why don't you look for a stay at home job from your computer? Or become a nanny to a friend who can not afford daycare! That is what I am doing while I stay home with our seven month old son and finish college. Although my husband supports me staying home with him. I'm so sorry to hear your struggling with this. Good luck

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