How do I deal with my nagging husband?

Lisa - posted on 11/21/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I'm a SAHM because I'm on disability. Plus, both my boys have special needs. My 12-year-old has Tourette's, OCD and Bipolar Disorder. My 9-year-old has HF Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder and Dyspraxia. With my older son having so many problems lately because of his hormonal changes, the stress has been very high. So high, that the fibromyalgia I was diagnosed with several years ago, has come back after 4 or 5 years of remission. I also suffer from high anxiety and a mood disorder. So, tell me, what would your reaction be if your husband nagged and nagged about the house not being clean, dishes not washed and clothes not finished? I swear, I'm with the children a lot more than he his. I take them to their doctor appointments and occupational therapy. Now, I'm suffering chronic pain due to the high stress of our older son having such a difficult time. Last night, my husband said, "I NEED you to support me in getting the kids to clean up after themselves and take their shoes to their rooms." Okay, so I have a bad habit of leaving my shoes where I take them off - usually at the couch, but I do pick up after the kids almost everyday. My husband does cook because I'm not very good at cooking. He also usually does the dishes. I try to at least get the laundry done weekly so the kids have clean uniforms for school. I just see the priority as being our boys, but I feel that my husband's priority is for me to keep the house clean. He just refuses to see that I do productive things everyday. No, it's not usually housework, but I agree it does need to be done. My husband said last night that he was tired of being everyone's maid and servant. What?? I get the boys ready for school everyday, fix their lunches, give them their medicine, and make sure their book bags are packed. I also take care of our 2 dogs and 3 cats.

How would you respond? Is he right? Do I just need to make time for cleaning, too? I'm so exhausted by the time the kids get off to school, that I feel that I have to recuperate. I'm just frustrated, not to mention in pain all over. I'd like to respond to him in a diplomatic fashion, but I'm just pissed off for now. I'm open to your advice!

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Sandi - posted on 11/21/2011

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Sorry to disagree with previous posts, but you are indeed looking at this the wrong way. You need to work on getting your boys to be more independent. You should not be 'picking up' for a 4 year old, let alone a 12 & 9 year olds. Yes, I understand they are special needs, which is why you need to do this all the more. Work on this now. You need to teach the boys to manage on their own, as you will not be there for them forever. That is a parent's job.
In addition to daily tasks (put away clothes and clear their plates), I have recently started giving my 5 year old, and 8 year old 'chores' - 5 small things to do while I am cleaning the house. Examples - 1) Dust/sweep the stairs, 2) dust the hallway baseboard, 3) sweep under the kitchen table 4) clean your room 5) Clean the play area (put away toys & books). Don't expect perfection. Don't expect much. The idea is to get into good habits that will last a lifetime. Reward effort ('You tried really hard', 'You are a good helper', 'You must be proud of your room now') and ignore imperfection. Let your husband help with their list. Pick things they like to do (mine fight over who gets to sweep the stairs). Change the list if needed.
I pick 11-12 am either Sat. or Sun. after they've watched a bit of TV (which they get to watch ONLY after getting themselves dressed, and totally ready - brushed teeth). You need to meter out any rewards (video games, TV watching, ice cream, candy) AFTER they've done some work. Start with small jobs and then stretch it out - like building up a muscle.
You need to do this for for the kids, but even more for yourself. You can do it. Don't expect perfection in your plan - just start something and build on it, with hubby's help :)
My 8yo forgot her lunch today. I didn't take it to her, which I have done in the past. The teacher said not to - let the kids learn it is not the end of the world if a problem comes up. Learn to figure out a solution without worrying. She decided to ask to call me from the office. She missed snack but I took it to her later on when it was convenient FOR ME.

Kelina - posted on 11/23/2011

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since I don't know you or your boys I'm going to say soemthing entirely different than what everyone else has posted on here-talk to their teachers, their therapists, everyone who comes into contact with them and find out what is feasible for them to be doing at this stage. Is it feasible for them to be picking up after themselves? Are they able to? Is it something that would be beneficial for them to do? Because we don't know these things. Your boys could be perfectly capable of picking up after themselves, or it could be a battle that's not worth fighting. Since I dont have kids with disabilities I don't know. I also don't know you or your kids. But their teachers and the people they come into contact with every day do. and if they say that that's not really a battle worht fighting, or that it's not reasonable to expect that of them then get your hubby in there so he knows that as well and doesn't think you're pulling it out of your butt. If you're able to I would also try getting some one on one time with your hubby a couple times a month. Maybe even counselling could help. See when we say the same tihngs over and over, often they fall on deaf ears. But soemtimes a third party really listening, or helping you to explain it in a different way can really help. You could also try a compromise. I got so sick of having my hubby leave his laundry everywhere he happened to be when he took it off that I put laundry baskets in most of the major rooms in the house. Living room, bedrooms, tv room, bathroom, etc. Would it be possible for you to put a shoe rack close to the couch so that the shoes get put there? That would also have the added bonus of you being able to find the shoes every time you need to go out. Soemtimes we need to adjust our house for what fits our needs instead of trying to adjust us to fit the needs of our house. Good luck!

Stifler's - posted on 11/21/2011

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also personally 5 pets are a bit much when all this other stuff is going on.

Tamara - posted on 11/21/2011

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Maybe come up with a compromise on the other things since he is helping out with the kitchen stuff, and you mainly with the stuff the boys need then come up with a compromise on the other stuff so your both doing it and neither of you feel like your doing it all.

Or maybe get respite and have them come in and help with the house cleaning or taking care of the boys after school.

Kelina - posted on 11/24/2011

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Lisa that's a really tough thing to cope with, especially if your therapist was an integral part of your lives through your son. how is he dealing with it? and has the nagging from your husband increased since this happened? It could be that your husband has other things on his mind that he doesn't know how to deal with. Would you guys be comfortable looking for a new therapist now? I know sometimes when I get really frustrated with my husband not doing things around the house it's because I feel like he's not putting the effort not only into that but into our marriage and our kids. Usually a night to ourselves really helps. Good luck!

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Josephine - posted on 03/07/2013

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please when u ve a nagging husband dont ever argue with him. just keep quiet and watch him mess around with his tongue when he is though ,he ll come back to his sense. I ve a nagging husband too i allow him to talk and talk and when he is though, i ask him if he need any thing that makes him look stupid right but thats d best way to avoid conflict at home.It helps if u can try it u ll soon get use to it. dont hurt urself .it dont worth it.

Lisa - posted on 03/09/2012

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Thanks for the info, Stacey. The only thing that I've tried that helps the fibro is chiropractic care, but I will also check out the link you posted.

Stacey - posted on 03/09/2012

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as far as cleaning goes, I don't know what advice to give you, but what are you doing to help deal with your fibromyalgia? Have you looked into dietary changes? Going off gluten has been known to help with all of your and your kids conditions. Have you all tried dietary changes in the past? GAPS is an excellent diet to help heal the body of disease! Check it out. http://www.gapsdiet.com/

also, www.westonaprice.org

Getting enough dietary fat, particularly clean, healthy animal fat has been known to reverse many ailments!

Lisa - posted on 03/02/2012

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I'm sorry I never posted an update! I applied for local respite care & I get 4 hours each 2nd Saturday of the month without children. Just that alone helps a lot. Our 12 year old is still not doing well. We actually have had to hospitalize him, however, I'm getting some things done around the house that I haven't even had time to think about in months. My son also finally has a good replacement therapist. Our younger son is doing well with his brother off getting help - he'll be there for at least 2 weeks. My husband actually asked his doctor for an antidepressant & is taking better care of himself. I still get overwhelmed - like on a daily basis - but my tolerance is a little higher and I have lots more time to accomplish tasks with my older son away. It's a bad thing that he has to be away, but it's really for the best. He was becoming a danger to himself and everyone else in the house, especially his brother.



Anyway, I was just going through old posts, saw that I never gave an update to this post, and thought I'd let you all know how it's been going with us. Thanks for your advice and support.

Joanne - posted on 11/23/2011

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Your husband obviously doesn't know what its like to carry the load that you're carrying, including your fybromyalgia. He's lucky you can even get around. I agree that if your children are capable, they should be trained to help out around the house. Instead of nagging at you and saying things that make you feel like that what you're doing isn't worth anything, your husband should talk to you with some sense and help you come up with ideas to help the household (you, him, the kids, and your pets). Another thing, when people lash out like your husband did, there's usually an underlying reason (he may be stressing over a number of things and just taking it all out on you). If you need to get a sitter to take care of the kids for a few hours, do so and take your husband out on a date. Everyone needs a breather every now than. After a relaxing breakfast, lunch, dinner (whichever you choose) tell your husband how much you appreciate him and all that he does and let him know that you are doing all that you can to help take care of things and then ask him for any suggestions on how you and he can help each other make things better.

Lisa - posted on 11/23/2011

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We did have a fabulous therapist & he was also my older son's therapist, but he died suddenly early last month. It's been tough on the whole family. :(

Tinker1987 - posted on 11/23/2011

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I think you can make a effort to clean more,and i mean that in the nicest way possible.my fiance works 12-14 hour days so id never expect him to come home to work more. Fibro is hard to deal with my mother has it and its been tough seeing but she still manages to do alot! Im sure your husband is just as stressed with thinking about the boys condition and snapped. I say compromise and try to work together as a team,and i think the boys are perfectly capable of being shown to be more independant, my friend had a kid brother who was Autistic and he was taught to do things for himself and it became routine for him..

Candhl - posted on 11/22/2011

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I honestly think if you can attempt to clean your home for 15 minutes 3x a day (on top of anything you do now) it would make a world of difference. in your daily life. I can pretty much clean my entire kitchen and wash dishes in that amount. Keeping your kitchen clean helps make the rest of the house feel cleaner (In my opinion!) It might also help your boys to function better in a cleaner, calmer invironment, thus taking a little stress off of you. Also, my best advice is the house should take priority over the animals. That many animals takes alot of time and effort that could better be spent cleaning your home. If your home is well organized and clutter-free you will spend much less time cleaning and more time enjoying your boys.

Stifler's - posted on 11/21/2011

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I would get someone to come in and help with a bit of washing and vacuuming and stuff. I can't imagine having to deal with all that and be unwell myself! I do agree the kids need to be packing up their own stuff and helping with dishes. don't be everyone's maid and servant.

Medic - posted on 11/21/2011

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Tell him to shut up and deal with it or step up and help. If he doesn't want to help more he can just deal.

Sharlene - posted on 11/21/2011

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Darls I know how you feel at the end of the day,Course I've also have 3 special needs children but my husband does'nt nag he helps me in everyway,Just tell your husband can he help with the house duties and the care of the children and if he's that worried about the house been dirty ,tell him to bloody pull out the vacum and do it him,LOL , Put your foot down and tell to do his half of parenting .I hope this might help you all the best

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