How do I get my husband to understand?

Carol - posted on 05/14/2010

Totally agree, get out of the house and go on a deserved break for yourself. I know guilt will overwhelm you but do it for all your sakes. It will make everyone including the kids appreciate you more.

Lindsey - posted on 05/12/2010

make him do it for a whole day then he will change his mind lol either that or do NOTHING then when he comes home and the house is a wreck and kids are dirty and unfed and laundry is everywhere say honey you know that you say i dont do anything and my job isent hard and when he says yes say well today i dident do it

Kathy - posted on 05/11/2010

You don't, they either have the empathy or they don't... move on from that thought... find a day care, family care, family, friends to mind the kids for as long as you need a break... just do it... you need a break.

Rianna - posted on 05/11/2010

i have had the same problems & continuous arguements with my partner, wev split up a few times over it also. i got fed up with his attitude & stayed at my parents for a week with my daughter, i wrote him a letter telling everything how it is & so far i think its finally sunk in.. worth a shot?

Rochelle - posted on 05/09/2010

my man was the same until he had to look after our toddler for four days when i had our second child. he does however still make the odd comment like.. its sooo hard being a mum eh ! ... but he's just winding me up. he knows how testing toddlers can be and how time consuming babies are. your man needs to realise that too. i'd have to agree with the other posts you need to have a iholiday and let him deal with them. if this is not possible then maybe go out for a whole day in the weekend . make it somewhere kiddies can't go and make it a regular thing . after he deals with a few tantrums and fights he'll realise hopefully!!! good luck

Crystal - posted on 05/08/2010

u need to make ur hubby stay home and take car eothe kids for a day or 2 then he may understand i have only in my daughter's life i have wanted to leave her she was abt 4 months old she is 3yrs old now my hubby is in the army he was recruitering at the time i called him and told him i couldnt take it anymore i was bringing her to him at work i didnt care how he or the other recruiters fault i need a break but he got off early so he took care of her i wont have another child because i will be the one taking care of it all the time just like i do with my 3yr sometime around oct or nov he is deploying so i will be alone taking care of our daughter with no help since our families live over 3 and 5 hours away that will be for 1 yr and our family and friends wonder why i wont have another child

Laura - posted on 05/08/2010

I feel everyones pain. My husband thinks I get a vacation by going away for a week with the kids to visit family. Ok maybe it is a little of a vacation but when I think of vacation I think about away from the kids for days. He is the one getting the vacation even though he has to work.

Sitka - posted on 05/08/2010

I think this is a good idea except the idea about hearing it from other moms. My husband would die!

Sitka - posted on 05/08/2010

Wow, if I was a man, I wouldn't want to help out much either!

Sitka - posted on 05/08/2010

First of all, let me say that I have four kids and I homeschool, so I know it's a hard job. That being said, I think that people that think you need a week's vacation is a bit ridiculous. But a day of shopping (or whatever) would be nice!
My first advice would be PATIENCE (w/ your husband). My husband used to be the same way, but he's grown up a little bit. ;)
Also, I always tried to discuss it in a way where I was not nagging or wining, or even needed him to say "yes" to anything. I was just letting him know.
Let him try it. Last year my sister had a baby, I had a brother and a sister getting married so I went home to visit. I was pregnant w/ one and took one baby w/ me, but couldn't bring the older two (I wish I could have.) They were 6 and 4 so I assumed they were no sweat to take care of. Yes, he was begging me to come home b/c he couldn't get anything done. He would say, "They're being good, but...."
Make sure you're not wining so much that he feels you don't appreciate what he does. (After all you BOTH need a break every now and then. Why not get a babysitter?)
Last, fair or not, if you really want to go out, it would make it easier on him if you leave him w/ a clean house and a premade meal so he can just enjoy the kids.

Cecaila - posted on 05/06/2010

My husband use to be the same way. We have five children, with my last pregnancy I was put on complete bed rest, he took over all my responsibilties. At the end of the day he comes to me and says "How do you do it?" from that point on once a week I will leave the kids with him and have a day to myself

Jana - posted on 05/06/2010

Is there a way to make a man understand anything? I am a stay at home mom too and have been for the last 10 yrs. I have one son, but one is plenty. My husband thinks I have it easy since I don't work out of the home and constantly reminds me of that fact. My day revolves around my son who is in 5th grade now and not quite as demanding. My husband works evening shifts so he doesn't get to spend much time with our son. My break comes when his dad is off and that's about it. I am not being much help, but I don't think you can get him to understand. He doesn't want to and doesn't think a stay at home mom is a tough job. I honestly just cuss him out and go about my day! I, and all mothers, know how difficult it is to run a household. Men don't want to know because they don't have to deal with it. They think it's a women's job anyway. Sorry.

Heather - posted on 05/05/2010

I suggest taking a nice walk in the evening, whether you can do it when he gets home from work or after they go to bed! I"m a stay at home mom of 5, and sometimes it's the only me time I get! It refreshes the spirit & mind with some fresh air! Tell your husband that a little time to yourself will help you be a better wife & mother! Hopefully your husband will come around soon enough and be willing to help you out a little bit!

Leesa - posted on 05/05/2010

Sit down and make a list of all the household and kid chores that you do and how long each one of the takes. Be honest. I think you will find it's way more than 40 hours. He will be surprised too. PIck out the 40 hours you can do and divide the rest. I bet he'll understand more when he sees what you are doing in numbers.

Desirae - posted on 05/05/2010

I'm a parent, cook, housekeeper, teacher, nurse, maid, coordinator, supervisor, manager, nutritionist, caretaker, life coach, bookkeeper, taxi driver, and peacemaker. I don't get lunch breaks, holiday/sick pay, overtime or days off. I'm on call 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. Now tell me YOUR job is harder than mine. ...Repost this if you're a Mommy. At the end of the day it's the most rewarding job EVER!!! (This has been going around as a fb status and oh so true... post it and see how many moms re-post... then, bring it to his attention. Also let him know how lovely it is to be able to have a conversation with an adult for a change. This concept worked for me. Now I get 2 hours a day to myself and hubby does too... we finally found a system after arguing for 3-4 years about it. Good luck to you and have yourself a drink ;)

Michelle - posted on 05/05/2010

Make him take a day off of work and leave him a list of what you do all day. your husband is just hard headed. if he cant take the time to take care of his own kids when you need 5 minutes to yourself maybe you should leave for a while. im sorry i wouldnt know how your relationship is working my husband is very grateful of what I do all day and he understands if i dont get the dishes done one because im too tired

Moriah - posted on 05/04/2010

Leave him alone with them anf have him do house work etc. Put him in your shoes!
I now work from home so my house is not as pretty either. LOL!
Oh well, I love it!
Moriah
http://www.WorkingGreenMoms.com

Vicki - posted on 05/04/2010

If you can't afford a trip or want to make this as non-confrontational as possible, keep a running journal that you jot in every 5 minutes. He'll be exhausted just reading about the temper tantrums, fights, screaming, battles and everything else. Even better, do a video message - lots of little ones and turn it on during every crazy fit. After 2 hours of reading tell him to multiply that by 365. And if he still doesn't get it, have a night in with moms and have them all explain a day in the life to him. Or make him a bet- he gets 1 day with the kids and when you get home, the house must be clean and he must be in a good mood.

Clara - posted on 05/04/2010

At least we're not alone ladies! I have a 1yr old and a 3 yr old and took a 2 night weekend away in the new year and came back to find everyone still in their pjs bc he couldn't organize everyone to get out for fresh air! He was up all one night and had several challenges, but still holds his ground stating that yes, I deserve a break, but so does he. As a result I call on my m-i-l to come as often as she can. I've also hired a bbsitter to come for a couple of hours once a week. Just to get something from him, I've also "revised" our marriage contract to include an extra "play date" for him if he is able to provide minimum 3 x 20 minute breaks each week - worked like a charm. I suppose it's something that we as multi-taskers and incredibly gifted planners must figure out for ourselves instead of relying on the ignornance of men in the area of childrearing. Some women are very lucky.

Dallas - posted on 05/04/2010

Oh, Sweetheart. I know exactly how you feel. It just comes right down to the fact that he doesn't see things the way you do. I am a stay at home Mom too, with an Autistic son. So, yeah. I've walked this road too. The way things finally improved between my husband and myself was that my doctor put me on anti depressants. It seemed like it was a wake up call for him. He now understands how I can be stressed, and tries his best to help me with it. What would be nice is to go to his job, or leave for a whole Saturday, and let him see it for himself. I know it seems mean, but I think that's the only way they realize what's going on sometimes. Just keep talking to him, eventually it will sink in. I promise.

Kelli - posted on 05/04/2010

I totally agree with these other ladies.....Im a stay home mom as well. A change of scenery does a world of wonders. You are not as cranky and tired....and feel ready to tackle again until it is time for another break! lol Start off going away for a full day with a friend doing something you enjoy. I myself am looking forward to a day of fun with my friend going to a big auction and the Dads are staying home with the kids. Can't wait! hahaha

Karalyn - posted on 05/04/2010

I would agree with the others. Leave him home for awhile with your kids alone. Make sure that he keeps the house clean the whole time, while keeping up with laundry ect. Then he will see how stressful it can get!

Jenn - posted on 05/04/2010

If you've never watch Crash test mommy... http://www.slice.ca/Shows/ShowsPage.aspx... it is a must. I laugh every time because that is so my hubby when he's home with the kids.
I've been there... trust me! Men just don't get all it takes plus the additional seclusion of no adult interaction can be very straining. It's taken a while but my husband is now much more understanding of how much work it is to keep a house full of kids happy and busy!
Get him to watch the show with you and see if he would be interested in a little experiment... go out for a full day and see how he does. Or get a part time job outside the home so he can try it out even for a few hours every week. He'll come around when he has to experience it for him self.
Remember the best thing you can do for your kids is take care of yourself so if you need a break... Take it! And if that means enlisting the help of other family or friends then do it. It wasn't until I started calling my mom to babysit even when my hubby was home that he realized he needed to step up.
The only other thing I can suggest is be empathic to him first. Show a real interest in his day and what he appreciates and it will come around.
good luck!

Christina - posted on 05/04/2010

Why don't you suggest to him for a weekend, to take full control of the kids and the house and you go have a girls day out. I think that after that, he might be convinced!

Tamara - posted on 05/04/2010

Well I am glad I am not the only one having this problem. Plain and simple MEN JUST DONT GET IT. If your tired they tell you to nap when the kids are sleeping, ha because we are obviously cleaning the house, and doing their laundry and cooking supper for them. And they sure do think staying at home is easy, which it is not. I had a very busy job before I got pregnant, and was always on the go and never at home, so now to have the role of stay at home mom can be very difficult. Its hard because some days you feel trapped. You really do just have to leave him alone with the kids. Both of you made those babies so it is well within you rights to tell him to stay home with them. Just wake up one saturday morning and say see ya i'm going to the mall, and dont come back for hours and hours. Then take a vacation and go away for a week, or longer. Wait til he is begging you, before you come back.

Echo - posted on 05/04/2010

Specificallyt this line touched me: "And we once lived in small enough communities where people could help each other. Families were together. That's how I grew up. My grandmother lived around the corner, my grandfather lived two blocks away, they each lived with aunts and uncles. My paternal grandparents lived maybe ten blocks away. It was rare to see a family where one person was trying to cook, clean, watch the kids, do it all. You always had a community. But nowadays people have to move away from their community just to find a job. And then they're leaving their support base. So we have to acknowledge that that's going on and ask what it does to the family structure and what it means in terms of how we have to reengineer support." It mad me begin to retrain myself to ask for help and support. I say rally a group of moms and take turns giving each other breaks.

Echo - posted on 05/04/2010

I understand your frustration. I went and go through similar difficulties. This article helped me to rethink the dilemma. Hope it helps. http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Michelle-...

Lisa - posted on 05/04/2010

Make him stay home for a week and do everything and maybe he will see! You entertain your children, take them out, do the grocery shopping, clean the house, and most likey do all the bills ( lord just doing laundry all day makes me want a 10 minute break) , if your kids are in school you also probally do fieldtrips, and activities as well.
I think people dont get it...they go to work get their breaks and lunch ...get to talk to adults during the day and we dont....yes we have the best job because we get to raise our kids but alot of people just dont appreciate all the work that does get done and the awesome job we do.
You can just tell your hubby to get a grip and that you deserve a break if you feel you need one!!!!!

Rebeca - posted on 05/04/2010

Wow Tracey! You are truly a SUPERMUM. I struggle to cope with my two kids sometimes so I am in awe of how you manage 9 1/2 kids, your husband and still manage to find time for yourself.

I always wanted a big family but both my pregnancies were very complicated and I am now unable to have any more children, although we have pretty much been if not trying then at least leaving it to nature for the last 8 years but no luck.

I am extremely grateful that I have two beautiful, healthy children though, but still YOU are amazing!

TRACEY - posted on 05/04/2010

Oops I for got to mention I'm a mother of 9 kids pregnant with number 10......So finding time for your self is a must... I often take a long walk 2 miles in the morning and 2 miles when the kids come home from school.

Krista - posted on 05/04/2010

I would agree with the other moms. Leave him with the kids, at least for a weekend if you can't do a week. He'll see how much work it is.

Maria - posted on 05/04/2010

He is clearly a selfish person, without consideration for you or others...I suggest to go separate ways he will never change...

Dina - posted on 05/03/2010

I did take a 2 week break spending time with my parents from my 3 kids staying with Daddy. My hubby called almost everyday cause he realized it is so much work. Just take that time for yourself whether it be a couple of days or a week. You need to recharge your batteries and relax. Let him spend time with the kids, he will appreciate you more and not complain at all.

Anna - posted on 05/03/2010

I kind of have the same situation. I have stopped trying to make my husband understand what we do all day! Fortunately my oldest has started school so down to just one child in the day. I think it is important for you to get time on your own. Having conversations with small children all day is not very stimulating. He will just have to put up with you grabbing a drink or chat with some girlfriends a few nights a month. Hope it gets better.

Andi - posted on 05/03/2010

Leave him with the kids on his days off and be gone all day so you're not tempted to step in and take charge and he's not going to just leave it for you to deal with.

TeBeth - posted on 05/03/2010

go stay in a hotel for 2 days. leave him a list of things to get done. dishes, laundry, baths, prepair food, cleanup, vacuming, grocery shopping, bed time ect. tell him to get it all done before you come home bc thats what we do on a daily task! and to grow a pair and learn to be sensitive. if he thinks its that easy, let him stay home and u go back to work.

Coleen - posted on 05/03/2010

Does he let you have an evening to yourself? Can you do a book club or bible study? Even in your home where you have friends come in and visit, that might help, you need interaction with other females. I dont nessesarily recommend the weekend thing, thats a long time for young kids to go without mom, but an afternoon or evening to yourself once and a while would be nice. Maybe you could ask for one night that he would be responsible for the kids and at first do things for yourself in the home, just alone time, but you would be there if he needed you, ( men sometimes fear taking care of their kids because they know they do not have the knowledge and patience for it, their confidence in this will grow with time and experience ) then if able you could have an evening to shop without the kids (much easier) or go out with a friend. I would choose things that dont look too fun to men, a craft night, that way they will not feel resentful. If your going out to sit in the bar with other women he will definately not want to let you go. Does he have a night for going out or does he just do his job and come home? Discussing this with him would be good, not meanly, but honestly so things do not blow up and cause resentment. I lived like this for 10 years and avoiding and resentment will not work for long. hope this helps

Mari - posted on 05/03/2010

I agree with Tracey and Loretta here. Both of their advices is what I would do. I have hear this from my hubby once in a while but I do remind him that who puts food on his table and makes sure he is fed, keeps his clothes clean, makes sure house is looked after and meanwhile makes sure that kids re fed, clean and happy and on top of that I look good too, so ... this usually helps :) I wish you all the best!!!

TRACEY - posted on 05/03/2010

Well this is probably not the Godly thing to do AND I PRAY THAT GOD DON'T GET UPSET WITH ME FOR GIVING YOU THIS ADVICE''''but a little booth camp for him would do hims some good sounds like. I would leave on a Friday night to Sunday night and let him spend the weekend with the kids alone...Then let him see how stressful it is trying to care for the kids. He will be up set but he'll get over it. and you'll feel good to have a stress free weekend alone ...turn OFF YOUR CELL PHONE OFF DEAL WITH THE DRUMMA WHEN YOU GET HOME. I'VE DONE IT IT WILL WORK. TRACEYJONES21@ATT.NET

Loretta - posted on 05/03/2010

or... instead of leaving or on top of leaving.. let things "pile up" like the dishes, or laundry, leave the toys on the floor. As kind of a neat freak, this is a little hard for me to do, but every once in a while... he comes home to what I "don't do" all day! always make sure my boys laundry is clean, and they're fed obviously.. but I think it may help.

Dana - posted on 05/03/2010

Ask him what his mother did when he was a child. Was she a stay-at-home-mom? Was this something that you and he discussed prior to having children?

Jessica - posted on 05/03/2010

He won't understand until he's put in that postion. Take more time to run errands after he is home so that he is left to care for the kids after he has been working all day. This will help him realize how stressful it can be. (make sure the kids are good and fussy). Also take some time with your girlfriends by yourself. It's important for you to release your stress too. These things might not make him see your side of it but it will help you feel better. Instead of getting fustrated that he doesn't see your side just find things you need to do while he's home that will require you to leave him with the kids while you get the break you need without actually saying you need a break. It's not worth the fight.

Danielle - posted on 05/02/2010

leave him with the kiids for the weakend and when you come back 48hrs later see how he feels then.
men often dont see it they think its easy 4 us woman coz we dont "work" and get to stay home, but the fact it there work starts when they clock in at work and finnishes when they clock out in the arfternoon and a womans work is when she is awake as soon as she wakes up in the morning till the time your head hits the pillow at night but if u have an infant its all night too explain to him the difference, if he still dose not understand then asses your life if the bad outwaighs the good times then it may not be worth the trouble of trying to hold the family togather through all the tough times if its effecting the kids then you cant ignore that, i am a single mother because my kids dad wasnt satisfied with what i did at home and we argued consently and it was effecting my 18month old daughter, it ended the relationship i wasnt married but my daughter now has had the chance to grow up in a loving calmer invironment and i have not regretted my decission ever any way i hope this helps you and i have to go pick my daughter up from school now

Brandy - posted on 05/02/2010

tell him ta try it (takin care of the kids nd cleanin the house like YOU DO) while you go out for a day! thats how I got my husband ta understand.

Mary - posted on 05/02/2010

I have the same problem. so when my husband ask what i want for a gift say for Birthday, Mothers day, I tell i want a weekend away by myself. I think the fact that its a gift makes it easier for him.

Gabriela - posted on 05/02/2010

Let him do your job for a few days, like other moms say. His job isn´t easy either, but having to stay home, take care of everything and everyone else, with little and more often, no time at all to care for oneself, makes being a stay at home mom harder. And if you add the lack of support from your spouse... you´ve earned a vacation! Why do men think what we do can´t be that hard is something I don´t get, but maybe is because they don´t have to deal with a 24/7 job. Ask him if he wouldn´t feel stressed from time to time if all he did was work, if he had to deal with home and job issues if he lived in the same place where he works, or if it´s possible that troubles with coworkers wouldn´t be harder to deal with if he also lived with them. To be honest, I no longer try to make him understand anything. I know that what I do is vital, and not easy at all, and what makes him weaker, only makes me stronger. And I also try to get a grip of my stress for my son´s well being, and enjoy his childhood, for I consider it a blessing to be part of it. Hope everything works out for you and your children.

Julie - posted on 05/02/2010

My kids are 9 & 11. I have been a stay at home mom their entire lives. For many years my husband did not get why I was cranky all the time. He thought that my life was easy. All I had to do was take care of the kids after all. I tried to explain to him that my day never ends. His job has set hours ( & the little perk of a pay check ). A stay at home mom does not get paid one cent & is on call 24/7 even when we are sick. And the job is hard but so rewarding. You get the occasional conversation with another adult during the day. (although usually iinterrupted by a child) It took a lot of years but he finally gets that I need a break every now & then. You need to explain to your husband that a little break every now & then is good for all of you. It gives you a chance to recharge and come back a better wife & mom.

Dawn - posted on 05/02/2010

seeing as how these days not everyone can afford to just "go on vacation" somewhere maybe a good idea would be to just pick a day each weekend and go out for the day leaving him to sink or swim with the kids. you do not need his permission to have time to yourself .
on the part on making him understand.... until he has to stay home and care for the kids he is not going to ever understand what you go through on a daily basis. most men don't. you could sit down and talk to him until you are blue in the face and he still will not get it . if he didn't understand 3 years ago he isn't likely to understand now.

Laural - posted on 05/01/2010

We wives make the child-rearing LOOK easy. Hand the children over to your husband for the day and see how "relaxed" he feels when you return. Husbands all need a little time alone with the kids to appreciate what their wives DO.

Sara - posted on 05/01/2010

That's a really tough one. Have you suggested couples therapy? I only suggest it because sometimes a third party (totally outside the situation- not just a friend or family member) can help you each to see each other's perspectives more clearly. Something you are trying to communicate to him is not getting through to him. I am not a therapist, but it sounds like you guys might have other issues too if he left you only for saying you needed a break. I am also a stay-at-home mom of two, but my husband understands that he gets to leave his job at the end of the day while I'm on call 24/7. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I truly hope you can work this out. For you, for your children, for your marriage. Marriage and parenthood are supposed to be a partnership, give therapy a shot.