How do you deal with a Husband that does not show any affection?

Kimberly - posted on 08/09/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My husband use to be so romantic. And after the birth of our second child he seems like he has no time for me. Well, he makes time for me when he wants his special time. But that's it. No dates, no hugs, no holding hands, no I love you's, no compliments, no nothing. I've talked to him and it got better for a couple of months, but it's the same again.

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Sarah - posted on 08/12/2009

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I know I am going to get some rolled eyes at this post but I think maybe you should look to God. God loves you and if you have a great relationship with God it will help your relationships with others...including your husband.
When I first had my children I felt very disconnected from my husband...and very angry. I was so angry with him because I wanted him to fix everything for me. He was my husband and was supposed to make me happy right? Well, thats a lot of pressure on one person. I heard a sermon about how women look to their husbands for everything and not God. But how can your husband give you everything? He isn't perfect...but God is. And if you have God you can start really accepting and understanding your husband. Maybe when you don't look to him for the world he might surprise you with what he can give.

Kimberly - posted on 08/11/2009

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I would tell him I love you, I would give hugs, and Kisses. But it's hard to continue to love someone that can't love you back. It's almost like showing affection to a tree. After a while it gets old. And you become cold. I should not feel weird when I want a hug from my husband. I should not feel like I'm hugging a stranger. Its good that your husband listened to your feelings and addressed his. My husband is not that caring and he feels that what every he thinks or feels is 100% right. No one else's feelings or thoughts matter to him. And if they do he has a funny way of showing it. Thank you for the post.

Lisa - posted on 08/13/2009

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I have a husband like that too, most of the time. after 14 years, he's just complacent. Sometimes when he leaves for work and goes in for the quick kiss goodbye, I hug him and will say to him,"no good, hug me like you mean it." Men may be visual, but I'm a firm believer that love is love, the weight shouldn't matter. I think we all get into a "comfortable" role, and stop trying as hard. If you haven't read it, get the book "Fireproof" or rent the movie. It has some helpful ideas. Hang in there. Good luck!

Trice - posted on 11/15/2013

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Am also passing to the same thing.my husband doesn't apritiete anything I do to him.i kiss him ,hug lots of love u but in letan he says am pretending to him I don't love him.it real hurts me a lot I have tried to make upto him but still nothing in retain to show me that he loves me even alittle bet.at first it was ok together happily but after giving birth to my son everything is changed.i love him so much I do not want to loose he but things are getting bad between us.as always in fort before him.no making love at al til I beg for it and sometimes make me cam the push away it hurts me alot I feel like a maid to him.no effect ion at al.i have spoken to him many times but he tells me no problem with him it's with me but doesn't say what is wrong with me.pray for me please reall stressed.

Christina - posted on 08/13/2009

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I totally agree with Sarah D. When I had my first, I was bitter too. I was looking to my husband to fix everything, even my postpartum depression. When I got pregnant with my second, I started going to church and now I don't rely on my husband to fix anything. I know he can't.
My husband and I have been going through the same thing. I recently told him that I wanted to have to more affectionate relationship with him and he told me, point blank, why should he be affectionate with me after I haven't been with him for the past 11 years. WOW...that broke my heart. But, I continued to be affectionate with him and he has softened, but has taken the past 6-7 months.
So keep it up!! It's not going to happen over night it does take time.

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Kimberly - posted on 08/11/2009

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I have done everything you listed. But it's hard to do these things for someone that does not responde to anything that you do for them. I have gained weight. When we first meet I weighed 104 and know I weigh 174. I know, WOW. But he tells me this is not a problem, because he sees me losing weight and he says that's what happens when you have children. He use to saw that it was another level of beauty because this is the body that brought his child into the world. I don't know what more I can do. I know I'm going through depression and I'm trying to overlook alot of things so I can be happy for my children. But it's hard to live with someone that you want to just give all your love to and you can't. Thank you for your post.

Ashley - posted on 08/11/2009

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Have you gained a lot of weight during your pregnancy? If so, he might be having a hard time with that. You know guys are visual and all. It was hard for me, too, after having my daughter. My husband wasn't too affectionate, but I realized it wasn't because of him, it was really me and my attitude. I was a little bitter when I had my daughter and didn't even realize it. I was neglecting my responsibilities as a wife and my husband suffered because of it. So what I did was forgot about how I was feeling and dedicated every free moment making my husband happy. I did all the things he likes (a massage, romantic dinner, etc.) and he LOVED IT! Now he's the most amazing, affectionate husband I could ever hope for! If that doesn't work he's probably going through some kind of crisis of some sort. Babies tend to do that sometimes. Just listen to him, and if he has a problem do whatever is in your power to fix it. If you can do that, under normal circumstances he should bounce back. If not, he might need to seek professional help. But have it as a last resort. Try to be his perfect wife. You'll both be happier in the end...

Emma - posted on 08/11/2009

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all i can say is arrange a baby sitter overnight and when he gets home say right have a shower were going out and make him see that ure not just a mum but his wife aswell x

Rachel - posted on 08/10/2009

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I would try to show him as much affection as you would like to have and lovingly hint to him that you would love it if he did so and so. Men always love it when you love them unconditionally. It may be that he just has alot on his mind or has alot of worries that is concerning him. Dont worry it will happen. Just be to him what you would want for you. You may get satisfaction through pleasing him because in return he may respond positively to you.

Samantha - posted on 08/10/2009

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Talk with him about what he's feeling. Thats what I did with my husband, it helped. Also try being the one who makes the first move, An I love you, kiss, holding hands, hugging, so on.

Amy - posted on 08/10/2009

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My husband did the same thing! Now, 11 years into our marriage, I'm kind of feeling that way towards him, I don't show him alot of affection and I tell you, I wish I would have done it 10 years ago! He can't get enough now, he wants me to be like I used to. But after so long without it, you kind of get used to not having it and not being that way. It seems like to more you want it of them, the less they want to give it. I like that he's more affectionate now, but now I'm not. If you could act like him without truly feeling like that, then maybe he will see how bad it feels. Good luck in getting the spark back!

Zuraimah - posted on 08/10/2009

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hi... i've the same things going on too. i've also have done the same things Nubia suggest.... but it seems doesn't work very well too....

Nubia - posted on 08/09/2009

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wow that's pretty harsh but why don't you try being the one who picks a date to go out and see a movie or go out to eat, my husband didn't get like that but he did tell me that he sometimes wanted me to take the initiative so that he wasn't the one having to constantly do the work. I know that we are like but i have kids i don't have time to also do that but it really doesn't take much time to do that. I also have two kids but thank God I feel like my relationship has gotten better and i do tell him i want to go out and stuff and he is all for it. It's worth a try but if that doesn't help well i don't really know what to tell you.

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