How do you get your spouse to help out without nagging?!

Jenny - posted on 02/28/2011 ( 124 moms have responded )

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Its the simple things that add up and get so annoying over time. I feel like im constantly annoyed with my husband for one reason or another. Its always something. Today he decided he wanted to eat iceypolls and when i go to the kitchen there are the scissors he used to cut of the top and there is the plastic tip of the iceypoll and with a little bit of melted purple grape flavoured iceypoll on the counter. arghh. then i ask him to change our daughters poo nappy and he does do it. but then i pick her up to play with her and i still smell poo on her? lol. so i check her nappy to make sure she hasnt pooed again, and she hasnt, he just didnt wipe thourougly enough. argh. just little things like this drive me insane and there is something new everyday to be annoyed at! And when i get annoyed, i nag and then hate myself for it :(



Yesturday one of the annoying things was when i asked him to feed our 9month old some baby food while i did the laundry, all i could hear is him complaning about how messy she's getting and then giving up after only a quater of the food was eatten coz it was too messy and he couldnt handle it so i had to finish the job.



He's always sorry when i bring these things up, and swears he'll change, but he never does :/



Im sure this is not a phenomenom that only occurs in my household so, how do you cope with your partner's inability to clean up after themselves, and help out "properly" with the kids and house chores?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

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I have a few very specific chores that hubby can do properly :P



I try to give him a choice, like I'll say "hon, will you give J a bath while I clean the kitchen, or would you rather do the kitchen and I'll get J's bath?" That way, he still has some control, so it's not so much like bossing him around. Also, by naming 2 things that have to be done at the same time, you are making it clear why you cannot do both. This also makes my hubby feel bad for sitting on his bum while I'm trying to juggle several things, so he get's up and does it right then.



As for the keeping up after himself, like the iceypoll wrapper, I would simply call to him "hon, I think you left your iceypoll wrapper on the counter." That should be enough for him to come take care of it. If after about 5 minutes he hasn't, call again, "hon, the iceypoll wrapper is still here, don't forget about it." then kiss him on the cheek or something sweet so it's not so nagging. Eventually, he'll get used to tossing it himself (as opposed to having you toss it) and just do it when he opens the iceypoll rather than having to come back to it later.



For the diaper issue, I would give the baby back and say "She still smells dirty. Can you go see what the problem is please, while I (insert whatever you are doing)?" That way, you have given him a reason you are not going to do it, and you are forcing him to notice his mistake and figure out a way to fix it on his own. Just keep doing that until he gets her clean, and eventually he will learn that it's just faster to do it right the first time.

Katherine - posted on 02/28/2011

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1. Use a wall-mounted organizer like one that uses wipe away markers or even a chalkboard with chalk and erasers. A calendar style of month-to-month or week-to-week should work best. Agree to what chores are split among yourselves and map out on the board when and by what time they are to be done. This will help establish a communication system and an understanding of who has responsibility for what. On the organizer list children’s doctor’s appointments, dates, times and which parent drives. Determine if Friday night is vacuum night or Saturday morning is bathroom cleaning. Who cooks when? When is order-out night? (There has to be a pizza night somewhere!) Mapping it out can make it seem less overwhelming for both of you. Sometimes the disharmony comes from one spouse essentially determining the schedule in his or her mind and then dictating when things need to be done. Work the timing out together, and you’ll likely see some improvement. Keep the organizer in a well-traveled area, like the kitchen, where you can discuss items that need to be addressed. Make sure you include your spouse’s issues, too, like car maintenance.



2. Working off the scheduler, have a honey-do list and a to-do list for you. It’s a good reminder for both of you to consult during the day.



3. Cooking can be a chore to some and a passion to others. If one spouse is a great cook and loves to do it, then make special use of the talent. To save time in preparation and cleanup, plan larger meals so the remainder can be frozen and reheated later. It goes without saying that no household should be without a microwave.



4. Some spouses just will not get into a new routine. If that’s the case, get help from outside. Housecleaning services used to be just something the rich and famous used. But more and more Americans are realizing that housecleaning services are a) affordable; b) time-saving; and c) marriage saving. Many have a housecleaner once every two weeks do the major overall cleaning—vacuuming rugs; scrubbing floors; dusting; cleaning tubs, sinks and toilets. Plus, the idea that a stranger is coming into your home will often get your spouse motivated to at least organize some of his or her stuff.



5. Also, for those whose spouses aren’t much help, you should have items and a system in place in the home that help relieve housework. For example, high-tech housework electronics like iRobot’s Roomba or Scooba can vacuum or scrub your floors when you’re not even around. For about $200, they can save you a lot of irritation, housework time and frustration. Even something as simple as a dishwasher can save you time, especially if you put a household rule into effect that no dish goes in the sink. Whenever dishes are used, they are scraped in the garbage and placed immediately in the dishwasher. Maybe your spouse finds housework overwhelming? If so, these handy items can remove some of the issues from the to-do list.



6. Is there something your spouse does especially well? Sometimes a little flattery and acknowledgment that he or she does something especially well (when they finally do it) can be a great motivator to them to do it every week. Clearly defining who is to do what often helps, such as he takes out the garbage, he does the cooking, she empties the dishwasher, she does the dusting.



7. When your spouse does make the effort, avoid criticism if it falls short of what you would have done or what you expect. He or she may not do it as well as you, but compliments go much further. Then you can find a way to initiate constructive suggestions for a more thorough job.



8. Some people have particular pet peeves. Make them clear between yourselves as to what is to be priority and what can wait. Some people have a greater degree of tolerance for clutter than others. Sometimes it’s a matter of perspective and a matter of understanding the Felixes and Oscars out there, then trying to meet somewhere in between. Plus, even if your spouse slacks off in housework, you might be surprised at some of his or her own pet peeves like leaving the cap off of the toothpaste or failing to replace a roll of toilet paper.



9. Ever go to those work-mediating seminars? You know the kind--how to deal with conflict in the work environment? This may be the opportunity you need to use some of the techniques you’ve learned at work in how to get people to do things they may not want to do.



10. Say thank you and show your appreciation. Some people feel they shouldn’t thank their spouses for doing what was expected of them. A simple thank you can really go the distance even if you feel reluctant uttering it. But if you want your spouse to do the chore again, a thank you can be just the thing he or she needs to hear.



Sometimes having a bit of open communication about what things need to be done and when is enough to get a spouse motivated. Forget nagging. It’s just insulting for him or her and demeaning for you. Instead, talk about how you will both meet the housework needs. Much like trying to get children to help with their own chores, for your reluctant spouse, you can develop schedules and systems and remind your spouse that the more equally you share in responsibility, the less exhausted you’ll both feel and the more inclined you’ll both be to enjoy in some romantic quality time together.



When all else fails, buy a Roomba, hire a housecleaner and lawn mowing service, do your food shopping online and have it delivered, drop the laundry off and pay the laundromat to wash, dry and fold your laundry for you. You’d be amazed at how affordable some services are and you’ll wonder how you did without them in the first place.



















Superwoman Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Jennifer - posted on 02/28/2011

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I've just learned to clean up after him. My husband for the most part is awesome. He works hard, puts me and the kids ahead of himself, and would do anything for us. Well almost anything....except for picking up after himself. Like you, I used to get upset, and complain. Then I sat back and just thought about everything for a minute. In all honesty, nothing was getting accomplished and it really wasn't worth the bad mood it would put me in. He never leaves things on purpose, he just doesn't think about it. So, when I would say something, he would feel bad, because he did something wrong, then I would feel bad, for making him feel bad. Now, if I see something I just shut my mouth, pick it up, and within 30sec., have forgotten all about it. As far as changing our youngest (we have 4 kids with the youngest being 5 months). He is so uncomfortable changing her. He was always fine with the kids once they got old enough to help lift their butts and everthing, but when they were all small, he never could get them all clean. I just decided that it's better for me to just change her, then hand her to him. She's happy, because she is clean. I'm happy, because I know she is clean, and he's happy, because he didn't have to be in such an uncomfortable situation, but he can still hold her and bond with her afterwards.

Megan - posted on 03/09/2011

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I like to give him two choices, Like would you like to give Jake a bath or do the dishes tonight? (and i do this almost every night)
But when my husband gets home from work i know he is very tired and dirty and just wants to shower and sit for 5
minites, So for about one hour after he gets home from work i try not to bug him, and i just clean up after him.

Its give and take, Also twice a month i leave him with the kids for a couple hours, Or sometimes a whole day, It makes him realize how hard i work and uselly makes him work harder when i get home.

Tia Melissa - posted on 03/03/2011

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It's not a phenomenon solely present in your house! :) My husband was a bachelor for 20+ years before we married. He's used to being messy and nobody caring a whit if the toilets were foul.

Every couple/family is different and what works for them might not work for you so, please take my experience with a giant sized salt lick.

I stopped trying to organize DH after a couple of years of constant frustration and just put his things into a pile where I can't see it. He can't find his stuff if I put it away so it takes more of my time to clean up after him and then find it for him because he doesn't know where it's supposed to go (even after YEARS of being in the same place). As for the kitchen stuff he leaves out, eh, I'll either ask him if he's done (like milk cartons) so he can come back, I clean it up or I leave it there. I can ignore some things for long enough that he gets back around to them. LOL We've only had a few containers of milk go bad... Hygiene-wise, my reaction to something nasty is enough to make him aware that "that is NOT clean!" and he really does try to do it to my standards. The real turning point was when our oldest was able to wrinkle HIS nose at something and that convicted my husband where my reactions had not. Somehow, when your kids are grossed out, it's impacting. :)

We've come to a point in our family size that if I have to do everything involving the house and kids, I am unable to do anything for him. He's a big boy and can iron his own shirts because I just cannot do it if comes home and sits on his rear. OTOH, if he bathes the kids and cleans up after dinner, I can get them finished more quickly and that leaves more time for us as a couple.

I have to admit that he puts up with a load of stuff from me - constant reorganizing, trying new projects, flat surface society piles, strong opinions on running the house, wacky in-laws, PMS/Pregnancy/PPD, etc. - that it all comes out in the wash.

I don't know how to advise you BUT I can say this. It seems, from what you've said, that talking fails to elicit a change in his behavior. All you can do is change yours. You can ask him to do things differently and if he does not, you have a choice.

1. Accept how he does things and let it be good enough.

2. Change what you do to keep yourself from being the "nag" or living in frustration. Often the changes that you make create an uncomfortable situation for the other person. (I'm not talking passive aggressive here. Simply adjustments so you can function as a reasonable adult and not his mother) It's like what you do with your kids. "Well, if you had put your toy where it belongs when I had asked you to do so, you'd be able to find it right now. I'm sorry but you will have to play with something else." Move on to your next task and wait for the wailing to die down. Lather, rinse, repeat.

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Kacey - posted on 04/08/2011

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It sounds like he just doesn't have as much patience as you do. :) You can't change a man. You can only believe the best in him. Good luck. ♥ It wouldn't hurt to remind him once and a while that he's a good dad..(even though you may think otherwise). Praise works great.

Saydra - posted on 03/16/2011

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i can see ur point in teling him omethimg neds done and telling him u have to do somthing diferint but that dosint always work i can be feeding our 7 week old son and he will ask me to go get his soks for work or fix his lonch whin hes not doing aneything. whin he takes a shower i have to stay in the room so i can get his towle and robe for him if not he will holer at me to get it know mater what im doing. i understand being a wife means taking care of ur husband but i think hes a little exsesiv with it i have to folow him around all day picking up his mesis then he gets mad that the house is not cleen well what can i do i think i have a realy lazy husband all he dose it go to work sleep and watch tv plz i nead help!!!!! im even thinking about leaving him its to stresful we have 2 kids i nead to worry about with him that makes 3

Eileen - posted on 03/14/2011

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The way isn't as important and the goal, and the result.
Housework and parenting,in my experience are two very different things,and must be approached with two very different attitudes.
No, you won't parent the same, of course daddy's idea of bathtime is loud, excited, splashing fun. yours is probably more calming, light the candles settle down ready for sleep. Different method, same result... a clean smiling child (hopefully).
When it comes to the house, again, you may wash the floors a certain way, he has his , as long as the result is a clean floor;- you should be happy. Even happier if it got done without you nagging and bugging for the help to do it.
I find, if he even thinks for a second i'm "handling" him the way i do the kids, i'm done for! Sure, the approach may be the smae, in a way, kind,respectful, calm..but one must be very very careful.
I have learned, no matter the subject, the key is LOGICAL!! I if try to explain, do it this way because it's how i like it or it makes me happy... though he wants that, its just doens't get it done. Now, if I can appeal to the logic in his man brain, make it make sense to do it that way, i'm sipping my tea and smiling.
ex. Changing baby's diaper... show him how your way isn't your way cuz its yours, but that is the most logical, makes the most sense, get'er done kind of way. show him shortcuts to make it easy, like how to gather supplies, hold baby down etc...
Housework? same approach, LOGIC.
Try using emotion, he'll shut down, and get defensive.
Use Logic, make him think he figured it out himself, how him doing it helps give you more time for him and voila!

Amanda - posted on 03/13/2011

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I used to feel the same way (its our first child) until one of my very dear friends reminded me that men parent differently to us & we just have to let them parent in thier style instead of trying to get them to parent our way...just wont work! :)

SHIRLEY - posted on 03/13/2011

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My husband sounds very similar and we've been married for 28 years! I started mimicing him with his anoying ways and he stopped doing them, well at least some. Don't know if this will help you much but it's worth a try!

[deleted account]

Even though it's annoying, you have to teach him as if he were a child. With love, patience, and repetition. Learn to laugh at little messes while you remind him to go clean them. Never accept "later." If you have to remind him to clean his mess, he should at least hop up and do it right away.
If he does a sloppy job of something like changing a diaper, have him observe how you do it, then the next time, watch over him as he does it. Do this a few times until you think he's got it.
Remember to laugh and love while you correct him. Otherwise, he will not be receptive and you'll both end up angry or resentful.
For seasonal chores, remind him a few times before the season hits that those chores are coming up. This will help him mentally prepare to spend his down time on chores. (Clean the gutters, mow the lawn, split the wood, car maintenence, etc)

Eileen - posted on 03/12/2011

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My first husband was like this. I have to fight fight fight to get help with ANYTHING!
Thank God I've been blessed with a second husband who not only helps, but does it without me even having to ask at all. Sure, sometimes we sit down and say this this and that need to bew done,a nd work out who'lld o them,but most days, with the day to day, bath the youngest, change the diaper, do dishes, it's never been an issue.
We have challenges with other things to do with the kids, but, household chores, rarely (he still can't put alundry away properly, so simply, he's just not allowed to do it,and gets in trouble when he does..but other than that...) .
I guess we're both just do'ers.. we see what has to be done, and one of us just gets up and does it.
He's pretty good about cleaning up after hismelf too. I'm one lucky girl!

Julie - posted on 03/11/2011

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Hi, I am so hearing you. I have a fiance that is exactly the same. I really need to vent but cant now. Will chat soon when I get the chance. Just had my 2nd bub and he's 14 days old, plus I have 13 month old Josephine. All this with a man that does little to help carry his domestic duty weight and complains about the way I mother and do things and how much washing I do.... Argggghh..... I dont know whether the DV comments and put downs are worth the relationship being terminated, or if that would have a worse impact upon the kiddies and myself long term.... HELP!

Rita - posted on 03/11/2011

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One of the things I've learned is that if I focus on what's going wrong, more of it will go wrong. It's the Law of Attraction. So, if I'm complaining about my husband, I'll just find more to complain about. If I'm in the complaining mode, asking for something different is almost impossible.

When I can allow myself to see what I love about him and stay with that feeling, I notice that my requests are easier for him to accept and I find more and more to love about him. I have to be the change I want to see in my house.

Hope that helps.

Tracie - posted on 03/11/2011

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One day when I was running around the house trying to scrub it up for MIL's visit, it occurred to me that my hubby and two kids were sitting on the couch watching TV. I'm normally one to suffer in silence because I don't like conflict. But that day something in my brain clicked. I walked into the living room, calm as can be, muted the TV and said, "There's something wrong here. I'm killing myself cleaning up the messes around the house that the three of you made and you are all just sitting here watching TV." They all gave me blank stares for a minute. Then my husband (the man who literally has not changed the toilet paper roll in more than 16 years) gave me the shock of my life when he said, "You're right. C'mon, girls, we need to clean up too. It's not just Mommy's job."

When my girls were little, my husband was worthless. He didn't stay up with them one single night, didn't do one stitch of housework, didn't do a single bath, cook a single meal, run an errand, nothing. Then I went away for a 3 day weekend for my friend's 40th birthday. Those 3 days running the house & taking care of the kids nearly killed him, even though his mom was over helping almost the whole time.

Bottom line - talk to your husband about these things calmly and give him time to figure this stuff out. We're much better at these things because we do them more often. How good would you be at changing the oil in your car or fixing your computer or some other thing that your hubby usually does?

Best of luck to you!!

Tifani - posted on 03/11/2011

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My hubby is gone most of the time as he drives a truck. I try to have the house clean when he gets home, as I am a SAHM. Sure he makes messes when he is here, but he is always wanting to relax when he comes home so I understand. He runs errands and pays the bills when he is here and even cooks sometimes. I try to let the house work go for the couple of days he is at home so that we can have family time (except for the laundry cause he has to have clean clothes for work). If I do ask him for help he usually does what ever I ask of him. The only thing I can not get him to help with is carrying the groceries in and putting them away. We shop for a family of 5 once a month (as we only have 1 vehicle right now and he uses it to get to and from work) and have to carry groceries up the stairs. Our children do help with carrying groceries as my youngest is 7. He ALWAYS without being asked will help clean up after the kids birthday parties or having company over for dinner. I have been with him for 5+ years and just got married 12-22-10 and things have only got better since our marriage.

Tifani - posted on 03/11/2011

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My hubby is gone most of the time as he drives a truck. I try to have the house clean when he gets home, as I am a SAHM. Sure he makes messes when he is here, but he is always wanting to relax when he comes home so I understand. He runs errands and pays the bills when he is here and even cooks sometimes. I try to let the house work go for the couple of days he is at home so that we can have family time (except for the laundry cause he has to have clean clothes for work). If I do ask him for help he usually does what ever I ask of him. The only thing I can not get him to help with is carrying the groceries in and putting them away. We shop for a family of 5 once a month (as we only have 1 vehicle right now and he uses it to get to and from work) and have to carry groceries up the stairs. Our children do help with carrying groceries as my youngest is 7. He ALWAYS without being asked will help clean up after the kids birthday parties or having company over for dinner. I have been with him for 5+ years and just got married 12-22-10 and things have only got better since our marriage.

Jenna - posted on 03/10/2011

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I read this post because of something that happened yesterday and it sparked my interest.

My husband always seems to get us into trouble because of either being lazy or not thinking something through. For example, we have two dogs. One dog knows how to escape from the backyard and cannot be left unsupervised or she'll hop the fence and chase the neighbours. Once before she was hit by a car right in front of our house! My husband knows this, and yet yesterday morning he left her in the backyard while he took his shower. Then he acted surprised that she ran away. THEN somehow it didn't occur to him that he shouldn't leave the front door open and walk away, because the other dog got out and ran away too. It took us an hour trying to get the dogs back inside. I knew he felt stupid about it, so I didn't say a thing. I didn't get angry, I didn't give him a look - I in fact offered to keep trying to get them in so that he could get to work on time.

Then last night, he was fixing a chip in the bathroom sink I have been asking him to fix for months because it's starting to rust now and I can't do it because the chemical gives me an asthma attack. I walked past the bathroom 1/2 an hour after I thought he had finished and found that there was porcelain paint all over the counter. Worried it was going to ruin the counter I said "Could that ruin the counter top?" and gave me a look that could have burned a hole through me. He was mad that not only did I nag him to fix the problem, but then I criticized his way of fixing it. But really - he does things like this all the time and we end up having to pay big $ to fix it. He's flooded the basement, ruined the back porch, caused a rat infestation in the garage (he was too lazy to take out the garbage while I was on 3 months of bedrest in pregnancy but told me he was taking care of it), and ruined the hardwood floor in the living room all through silly mistakes like that. And I never get mad at him for any of these things, I let it go and figure he's taught himself a lesson and he won't do it again. But every once and a while I would like to try to prevent something like that from happening... and even though I tried last night, now we have white paint stains on our new counter. He's going to admit it was stupid, apologize for being a jerk and tomorrow he's going to do something similar all over again! How can I give him my input without criticizing and nagging him?

Julie - posted on 03/09/2011

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Fist -dads are nto moms...
NOR
does his mom live at your house to clean up after himself...
YOU be the mommie and allow him to be the daddy.
Men are raely very good at baby care... its just not in them...
Women are simply not good at mechanical their cars, right? guys are.
Decide who will do what and do remind him to clean up in such a way that you cannot tell he's been in the kitchen!
DO KNOW - that the days of an immaculate home are gone... Back off and let him live... at least eh genuinely is trying!
Everyone has a different definition of 'clean' - I have sure learned that!
Its not worth the stress on him nor your marriage... learn to give a little and swipe up after his not-so-perfect job.

Liliana - posted on 03/09/2011

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I don't know if Beth Fisher dropped out of the conversation, but wanted to say as a Christian woman myself, I understand where you are coming from about the Biblical roles men and women play. I do want you to consider something, because in one post you sounded offended about the response you got to your advice. I want to you consider that our roles have definitely changed in modern day, obviously. Today, for financial or other reasons, women work. But even if a woman is able to stay home (which I chose and am able to do), there are still things outside the household needs that a woman does for her family. It is not uncommon for my husband to ask me to do things that are outside his work responsibility, or even for his work (not doing his job of course, but perhaps corresponding to social invitations from colleagues, because I am better at that). We work to each other's strengths as well as to the time we each have.

In my opinion, we can follow the Biblical guidelines, such as "wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord," suggesting we serve our husbands, help them, care for them, which I gladly do for my husband, but also the Bible says, "husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her," which means husbands cherish us, act as our spiritual leaders, but not our masters. We interpret this to mean that we are equal in the sense that we take care of each other and our marriage for to glorify God. If this means that a husband pitches in after a long day's work because the wife needs help, he does it because he loves his wife and it probably means it will keep her from going batty trying to do it all, that's loving. Just as husbands can have tough days at work, so can wives at home or their work. The point I am trying to make is that marriage should be a partnership. If in the partnership it works best for Daddy to cook dinners and put the kids to bed while Mommy takes care of the household budget or calls the plumber about that leak (or fixes the leak herself) then it works and the marriage and family thrives. I just don't want a strong stance on Biblical (gender) roles to discourage the women in this forum from reading the Bible or applying Biblical guides to their lives. My husband and I talk a lot and often and we don't under value what each of us brings to our family. My husband is my king, but I am also his queen, so we really just try to help and care for each other and together our children. But the stance you took made it seem like a woman had to be home and the husband who worked outside the house had to be taken care of, in other words, not bothered with helping with kids and household because he works, and if I didn't misunderstand, then I just feel like that may not work for many families, including mine.

Joelle - posted on 03/09/2011

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well i have about the same issues with my hubby.. I don't know how to fix it either.. If i start to nag, he shuts down and runs away and then ti's left until the next thing i find irritating.. and it goes on.. i wish i could help.. the only thing i can say is "your not alone!"

Liliana - posted on 03/09/2011

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I've read maybe the first dozen responses and see there is a trend of either giving up and taking over the tasks we'd want our husbands to do or finding ways to help our husbands help us. Every person, personality, and situation is different, of course, and that goes for the women as well as the men in these feedbacks, so speaking to Jenny who asked the question, my 2 cents is to consider your husband's perspective. I actually talked to my husband about this question and he said (specific to your examples) is that often we (women/mommies) make things look so easy so men are intimidated by our ability to do things seemingly perfect before they start helping or become overwhelmed and frustrated when they realize it's not as easy as it looks, so maybe then men just quit. This is not a cop out on my husband's part. He is a very helper. Sometimes he just recognizes I need help and pitches in (like when I am at school until 11PM and dinner did not get cooked before I left and the dishwasher didn't get emptied...he just cooks and puts dishes away). He also knows that he doesn't quite do things the way I would. If he helps fold the laundry, we know it's not as neat as if I would do it, so I decided long ago that it didn't matter much if it got done, with some effort. Sometimes I find utensils in the wrong drawer or have to call him at the office to ask where he put the whisk :) These are all opportunities for us to iron out ways he can learn "my" system instead of complicating it. As new parents we debated the different ways we put the baby to bed. I didn't like the tickling and active play. I wanted baby to be calm, fed, bathed uneventfully, read to, and put to bed. When Daddy took over, it was all excitement and play and giggles. It annoyed that Daddy excited the baby too much. As we worked it out, he explained he is at work all day. He needed that time to play with his son and the baby was flexible, he didn't struggle to sleep with our without the Daddy play time. The next baby was a little different, thrived on routine and needed the calmness before sleep, so Daddy adjusted. For us it's an on-going conversation on how to get it all done as a team. Some suggestions have been to let your husband do the part of the task he is most successful at and I agree that is a good start. You can both build from there.

Terri Lynn - posted on 03/08/2011

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My husband and I presumed from day one that we are equally responsible for everything in the house that needs to be done. To us, the idea that it is all the woman's work and that the guy needs to "help her out" is sexist. If he is forgetful, remind him. If he can't do something properly, teach and supervise him. I don't ask my husband to do things, he just does them. We both work at home and share all jobs.

Jennifer - posted on 03/08/2011

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Well, I can say that I give my husband the option of what he can do. I tell him either it is do the laundry or feed the baby. Then I remind him that feeding our son is a bonding thing, and that usually helps him understand that he needs to take part in it too. Also, when it comes to changing, our kids are very sensitive and get rashes at the drop of a hat, so I make sure that there is diaper cream, top of the line wipes (doesn't have to be in your case), and diapers all around the house in baskets, changing areas or the diaper bag so he does not have to chase them down. I tell him if he does not want our child in pain from a rash he needs to really pay attention and clean thoroughly. So, you can bring that part up, as it is a health concern. Let him know that being a daddy is not part time, and if you are really fed up let him know. Tell him that he is not telling you any other way to communicate with him, so until he tells you another way to let him know you are upset and irritated you are going to continue to talk to him like that.That way you can give him some of the ideas as to communication ideas. Let him share with you in these things, sometimes I stop what I am doing and come sit next to my husband that way it is a family thing. Yeah it takes a little longer to get things done, but it is well worth it when I can get him into a routine that eventually he does not want me there so he can have the full bonding experience.

Laura - posted on 03/08/2011

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i know the feeling I have the same problem, I go on strike after so long of him not helping he'll get mad that the house is cluttered and do it himself and ask why I didnt do it I say I need some help and everytime I need help and ask you you just give me attitude, so after a few times of going on strike he has learned if I ask for help then I better do it or it will be more for me to do. My house is not unsafe just cluttered if and when I went on strike i did the smallest amount of stuff I needed to make it safe. For instance if there are dishes in the strainer I ask him the night of the day I did them to put them away and if he doesnt put them away I don't do the dishes from that day and I ask him again to do it he usually does them the first night but it took a few times for him to understand it but he did get the point that I wasn't going to be a maid

Deanna - posted on 03/08/2011

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Wish I knew! Minor meltdown (b/c I am also a full-time student) and it still didn't help!

Corinne - posted on 03/08/2011

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Would he eventually get around to tidying up after himself if you just left it? Maybe you are stepping in and taking over too quickly. Perhaps let him do things his way but don't let him off the hook by taking over when he can't be bothered to finish the job properly. Also the more we nag - the less they listen! When he doesn't do something right - choose your battles. Remember that you want to change his behaviour rather than nag. Wait until you are not feeling fraustrated then praise the good and explain what he has missed. (no different from teaching a child really - woops did I just say that!)

Melissa - posted on 03/08/2011

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At least he helps you out with feeding and changing the diaper. He may not do it exactly like you do or want him to do it. But, the fact of the matter is that he does help you out some. That is a blessing. My husband wouldn't help me out until my kids were into their toddler could use the potty stage. So, I don't feel sorry for you, sorry. Give him a break. Some men do not do domestic chores well. And yes, always pick and choose your battles. Explain that when leaving poo on a butt in a diaper it causes diaper rash and it's very painful to the baby, instead of nagging him about it.

Beth - posted on 03/08/2011

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I am very fortunate. I have a spouse that volunteers to clean the dishes/kitchen after dinner. And when I am on a deep cleaning mode, on a weekend or whatever he'll just jump in and vacuum or do whatever needs to be done. I am lucky. He makes other guys look bad.. ;)

Jessica - posted on 03/08/2011

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I let him try to help, then I go back and fix the things that bug me that he did or didn't do. At least he is trying at all! Just remember to pick and choose your battles,my advise is take two seconds to think to yourself, does this really make me mad, or just annoy me because it's not how i would do it...if it's the latter of the two, just remember there are lots of different paths to the same outcome, he's just doing what works best for him. Best of luck!

Andrea - posted on 03/08/2011

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Um yeah....I understand all the comments about choosing battles and trying to find ways to politely get their hubbys to help out but that doesn't work with mine! He ignores all requests, whether I'm nice about it or not. I can give him two choices and make it known that I can't do both but instead he just goes on with his day. Actually, I've gotten him to do things more often with nagging than not because it begins to annoy him. He doesn't like being annoyed so when he gets mad about my nagging comments and tells me so, I always say well too bad. If you just did it, you wouldn't have to hear me complain anymore. Now mind you what I try to get him to do usually involves his own personal mess. He comes home from work, changes and one of two things either happen:
1. He "folds" the stuff up and puts it on his closet shelf. Then a few days later when I do laundry, he waits until the load is practically on the rinse cycle and then pull that "folded" pile out from the closet shelf and says I need these washed. OR if I do remember his closet "piles" he comes home and complains that he wanted to wear it again but can't because I put it in the washer.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
2. it ends up in a "folded pile" on the couch or kitchen table. dirty socks crammed into his different pairs of shoes n boots. hoodies and jackets hanging off the back of my dining chairs. And there's 3 different pairs of "slippers" in 3 different rooms. His crap is EVERYWHERE....a trail just falls off behind him when he comes home. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
oh and my personal favorite...I have a laundry sorter. During most days it's pretty simple. the bags are different colors-white for towels, light blue for light clothes, and dark blue for dark clothes. That's as far as I make him go. Simple. But when laundry day comes around he can't even make the effort to use common sense. And if he asks me what he should do, he's always saying it with an exasperated voice like I am inconveniencing him. What happens is I like to seperate each bag into delicates and regular wash. So the two blue bags get seperated into four piles. As I finish bags, if anymore seperating needs to be done I used the empty bags to help. So sometimes sheets or blankets end up in the blue bags after a few loads, etc. Then he comes home and says I'M not sticking to the routine....i guess he'd prefer me to leave his Broncos blanket on the floor while it waits to be washed so the cats (that HE wanted but doesn't clean their litter box b/c they "like" me more) can pee on it. AHHHHHHHHHHH
I appreciate all he does, I don't go to his job and tell him how to do it, and all I want is a little respect in return. And if I have to nag to remind him of that here and there, I'm gonna. I just try to add some humor when I'm calling him a big baby, then he's less likely take my complaint to heart but still gets off his skinny pa-toot and quits acting like a 3rd child....

Eve - posted on 03/08/2011

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I share your feeling too Jenny. My husband's practically incapable of handling domestic chores! He lost touch of everything! I find myself doing all things by myself cos even if i assign him to a job, i end up re-doing it! Worse of all, he sings always that he's very tired even when he's just got up from bed (that gets me REAL mad) cos i let him have long morning sleep wkends. Sometimes i've i feeling that he's begining to take things for granted!

Jennifer - posted on 03/08/2011

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I have been married going on 13 yrs and in the last two I have struggled big time with the frustration at my husband. No one is perfect or does it right all the time but at least show the honest effort. Do not let yourself get bitter at him, remember he is your partner and if he is like my husband spends all of 3 hrs a day at home not sleeping. If I walked into his work and tried to do his job I would hope someone would be patient and understanding if I forgot something or did it shoddy. He needs to be gently and respectfully told he's falling short. We have the joy (sometimes the misfortune) of spending all day perfecting our housekeeping skills, they don't. And honestly I find pride in being able to do it for him. My husband has finnally gotten to the place where he can acknowledge that what I do on a daily basis makes it so he doesn't have to worry about our children or the house while he isn't here. He can focus on his job and get home faster to us. Hold his hand and remember this is your territory and he needs help navigating it. You know they aren't good at asking for directions

Cyndi - posted on 03/08/2011

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Mine doesnt know what the word NO means. If our 2 year old wants to play in the garage, ok: car- sure, why not. open all the drawers in his dresser throwing clothes everywhere-ok. Then he complains the house is always a mess and that our boy never leaves him alone and screams constantly while chasing him around. He doesnt get that hes already learned that by chasing daddy and screaming, he will get a special treat and daddy will do anything to shut him up, aside from saying no. He also still thinks its easier to just give him a cup full of milk than to feed him (and my son doesnt eat well to begin with!) Youre not the only one.

Shelley - posted on 03/08/2011

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I kind of cheat. If I know things that are going to need to be done a week ahead of time, I will slip them in on a conversation with my hubby without asking for help but then it will kind of be half way on his brain. Then the week that I need it to be done, I will tell him how awesome he is for offering to help me with that particular chore and that I couldn't ask for a better husband and that since he is offering his services around the house, I planned to make his favorite dinner just for him because of the awesome husband that he is. I'm really sneaky about it because if I ask my hubby more than once to do something he says I'm nagging, but if I do it that way, and I compliment him on how great he is and offer something in return such as the dinner, then he's all about helping and he does more than I asked for him to help with because I made it sound like it was his idea to help and bragged about how great and wonderful he did. Oh and to top it off, when someone like my mom or a friend would call, I would brag about him offering to help out and him helping out to them and tell them how wonderful my hubby is. Men like being bragged on, so just use the reverse psychology on them like that. So far, it has worked like a charm for me and after 11 years of marriage, my hubby still has not figured out what I do............. Good luck!!!

Kheytz - posted on 03/07/2011

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this has been my problem as well.. waah just couldn't help but nag to get my partner to help around. sometimes im just getting fed up of asking that i try to do things myself hoping he would initiate to help but men are just so insensitive!..

Kristle - posted on 03/07/2011

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My husband can't see when things need doing and doesn't respond well to being asked either. I spent 5 minutes typing up two charts, one with daily jobs and one with weekly jobs. Each time a job is done we sign it off with our initial. The weekly job have to be done by Sunday so without any nagging he can see the list (and how many of my initials are on there!) and decide which jobs he'd like to do. It's only week 2 of the chart but so far our house is so clean and tidy all of the time and neither of us feel overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. It's worth a try!!

Julie - posted on 03/07/2011

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Your right , it happens in many homes. Choose your battles wisely i have found and bring it up in a non judgemental way which is easier said then done. Just make sure you remember yes they dont do things our way but well at least they are tring. It has taking us many tries to simplify everything, they dont do half of what we do or what we worry about, they just do and if no one is getting hurt smile and grin. good luck:)

Melissa - posted on 03/07/2011

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Girl....i know what you mean. I feel like i'm nagging on my husband all the time also and just hate that! I feel like my words are always ___, can you do this? ___, why didn't you do? It seems like I'm always repeating myself which increases the nagging because he doesn't do it without me asking nor after I ask him once - i have to bring it up over and over!!!!!!!!!!!! We haven't even been married a year. I'm a stay at home mom or i mean a work from home mom and I'm also responsible for making majority of our income to cover the bills...so not only being a first time mom, new wife, now I have all that to stress me out also. My bottom eyelid has been twitching for over a week....i guess it's stress.

Charlotte - posted on 03/07/2011

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I was just curious how many all of you stay at home mums with your partners going out to work full time? Of finding your partners not wanting to help out much. I was curious because that my partner working full time and Im a stay at home mum that my partner expects for me to do all the household chores aswell mostly looking after our child while my partner finsh work then likes to sit down for most of the evening. I think we do need a rota for some housestuff and child help then I wont get so overwhelmed

Sharon - posted on 03/07/2011

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You have to do they same thing you did when your were teaching your mkids to use the potty; make a big deal out of it...how happy you are, how you appreciate it so,blah, blah, blah. :).

Christine - posted on 03/07/2011

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My husband has been excellent in taking over all house hold duties and looking after the kids since i've had my hysterectomy 2 weeks ago tomorrow. He is know back at work but he's realized that its a full time job. He's like I might have to take every second friday off to keep on top of things while i'm unable to do anything for the next 8 weeks. LOL
you go dear!

Katie - posted on 03/07/2011

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Sometimes its a battle and sometimes its easy. One of my favorite tactics is this: I give him a choice of 2 tasks that need to be done. For example, we are potty training: he could clean up the pee pee mess made on the floor or he could watch our son on the potty and clean up the mess there. Also, he has chores that are just his to do: like dishes or vacumming ( jobs he actually will do) while I pick up other tasks. When he doesn't do something, I typically theaten to stop cooking or other task that makes life better for us.

Raquel - posted on 03/07/2011

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woman i think were all in the same boat! lol....but what i like about my husband is that when i do ask him to do things he does do it and does it properly but there are other things that takes forever to get done and that ill have to ride his butt for it! like for instance we just moved and i wanted him to put our curtains up, its been 1 week and he hasnt done it yet! so last night i told him listen if your not gonna put the curtains up then i will but they might be a little crooked! haha...he doesnt like things hung up crooked! so he said ok ill do it as long as you get the stuff ready!! lol...also how do you ask him when you want things done?! what works for me is trying to keep my cool! as long as i ask nicely and not sound like im nagging typically it works out alot better, and when he does do it wrong i quickly try to correct him with the issue and explain properly why he needs to wipe our daughters poopy butt alot better! ;) good luck!

Kell - posted on 03/07/2011

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One thing that does seem to work with my hubby is that id he's NOT doing something that I want him to, I make sure it's sitting on his computer desk so that he can't get to the computer without physically moving it. If he has to move it, he might as well put it away or do the job...

Natasha - posted on 03/07/2011

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i know exactly what you mean, my partner does nothing to help me with my son or daughter, even when i ask him to help with one of the children when im attending to the other all he does is complain about me asking him to help, i cook, clean and look after 2 children by myself, i just dont know what to do any more, its so fustrating

Jessica - posted on 03/07/2011

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No tactic works on my husband exept when I am VERY sick and threaten to do it myself... generally that is the only time I het help. He was on the computer all day and then he gates mad at ME because I am STILL sick cuz I am still NOT resting my sickness away... who has the TIME to be sick?

Kell - posted on 03/07/2011

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I think most men don't fully realise that looking after a baby/toddler/child is a full-time job in itself (they may pay lip-service to it, but they don't think of the full extent). Many women also work outside the home, whether full or part time (i work part time 3 evenings a week so i can be home through the day with Xan) and still take on the bulk of childcare themselves, then are expected to also keep on top of all the household chores!

Im' lucky, my hubby realised very quickly how hectic it can be just keeping an eye on an active toddler (in fact, he learned he couldn't do it himself when I went out one evening and he had to call me to come home early because he couldn't stop Xan crying - oh, he got an earful for that, believe me!).

I'm doubly lucky in that he really does pull his weight (99% of the time, anyway) around the house and I rarely have to ask him to do something more than once - if I ask, he usually does it prety quickly, and sometimes he does it without my asking. The laundry is almost entirely his domain, and the cooking is entirely mone 9as I love cooking and he can barely empty a jar of sauce into a pan - LOL!), but we share the chores pretty much equally. He's a postie and works full time. He's always been good about nappy changes etc and now that Xan is a bit older, he's better at looking after Xan while I pop out for a couple of hours - just as well or I wouldn't be able to work ANY evenings - LOL!

Rebecca - posted on 03/06/2011

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We all just need to find out what works for us, and the best way to do that is Communication. Take time to have a discussion about responsibility. Include the kids!! At our house we also have a Chore Chart for everyone in the family. Dad's job is to provide for us, and my job is to raise the kids. It's everyone's job to keep up the house.
The only way to make better husbands is to teach your sons now what you want in a husband. Then when they are married, they will have something better.

Emma Jean - posted on 03/06/2011

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I have to say that I am very lucky. My husband and my oldest son is really wonderful about helping me out with chores around the house. They make sure that I am taken care of when I come down with one of my migraines. Most of the time, all I have to do is ask for some help, but sometimes, he just helps because he loves me and wants to be helpful

Kim - posted on 03/06/2011

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The first thing that comes to my mind is, make sure you get YOUR time while he watches the child/children. I notice that my husband is way better when I'm not there and I feel a lot better after leaving for some me time.

Meagen - posted on 03/06/2011

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of course its not a phenomenom, My husband is the same exact way right down to the poopy nappy, the same with my girlfriend in arizona and her husband, its like their programmed to become idiots when it comes to houskeeping and child care, seriously, what i do with my husband when it comes to picking up after him, i've gotten so fed up that i have started to just throw his things that he lays around into a trash bag and put it into our storage unit, my father did that to us as kids growing up, so i figure, if he cant learn to pick up his things then he must not need them that much, as far as everything else, i have officially given up on it and just do it myself, cause honey no matter HOW much you nag or compliane to him, its never gonna get done, so you might as well just do it yourself.

Samantha - posted on 03/06/2011

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I think my husband is using my parents as his example...my parents relationship is very old school in the sense that the woman takes care of the kids and cooks the meals everyday and keeps the house clean and the man goes to work and when he comes home its his time to relax and have his wife take care of him. So my husband sometimes makes little comments about why am I not more like that and it really annoys me, that is not the relationship that I want and its not like I made our son on my own so why should I do everything for him he can pitch in when he gets home.

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